Dear Captain Awkward,
So I met a girl last night, one I’ve run into occasionally when the orbits of our respective circles come into gravitational alignment. We spent the time chatting together and exchanged numbers afterwards. I have zero experience with romantic relationships, but what little knowledge I’ve accumulated from rom-coms and trashy novels leads me to believe we mayhavekindofactually been flirting. She’s smart and funny and similarly awkward, and I felt like we connected really well in the short time we had. It’s early stages yet though and I’m in this weird excited for possibilities but desperately trying to play it cool space.
The thing is, I’ve never considered it possible for me to be in a relationship with someone so I’ve never tried. Ever. I’m trans but lodged squarely in the back of the closet (assigned and currently perceived as a guy, wholeheartedly wishing otherwise as a girl). I can’t imagine myself going through with transition though because I have extremely negative self-image, and the first person to laugh at me would crush what remains of my misbegotten soul.
Thus far my motto has been that if I can’t even love myself, how could I begin to love someone else? That way lies jealousy, resentment, and a whole host of Bad Feelings. I couldn’t do that to anyone because I know that I would do that, eventually. Not the best basis for a healthy relationship.
I don’t even know why I’m suddenly considering the possibility, but something about it strikes me as very selfish. Like, doesn’t my not being upfront about being trans constitute deception? I know I’m on shaky ground here because there are a whole bunch of nasty transphobic deception narratives that trans women have to contend with every day and so I shouldn’t propagate or internalise those. But I’m approaching it from the other side; in my nail-studded closet I’m not being true to myself and I’m lying to everyone else. So… deception, right?
This girl, who is by all accounts an awesome person, who is not obliged to be a receptacle for my obsessive worrying (we haven’t even been on a date, for pete’s sake!), who is totally unaware of all this inner turmoil, doesn’t deserve this kind of baggage. What’s more is that like me she has also struggled with depression and social anxiety. I’m terrified of making things worse for her and fatalistically certain I will. How can I start building a relationship with her while witholding such an important self-defining secret, and even if at some point I became comfortable enough to share it with her, what then? Cisgender people are generally not well-known for reacting positively to such admissions.
I don’t want to assume here but statistically speaking she’s likely to be straight (as opposed to bi, or even more unlikely to be gay). When I interact with her (or anybody else for that matter) I don’t put on a big macho act or anything. I’m more or less honest about who I am and what I like/dislike, just with dampened emotions and responses. A restricted version of me, pushed into the neutral zone between genders. Apparently androgyny is in? I’m not going to cross the boundary into masculinity or male-identification, that’s not me and will never be me. But in an ostensibly heterosexual relationship that burden would typically fall upon me and exert all sorts of pressure to conform. On the other hand I can’t really emphasise my femininity or female-identification because a) I’m too scared to do so regardless; and b) it wouldn’t be what she signed up for.
Can you tell I’m an obsessive worrier? We might date and find we don’t gel after all. She could click her teeth for all I know. But if I put myself out there and something special happens, haven’t I created a moral conundrum hammer that’s bound to smash that special thing into teeny tiny pieces? I also wonder if I’m just in love with the idea of love, or being loved, and wish fulfilment is a shitty way to treat someone. Proximity to Valentine’s Day does not help at all, funnily enough.
I don’t know whether to even attempt a romantic relationship with some careful guidelines in place, or to explicitly make it friends-only, or to NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN!!!!!!111 What should I do?
Faith, Mope, Love?