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Miracle Max from The Princess Bride

Maybe you’re only Mostly Gay.

Dear Readers, I promise a work or friendship or health or family question tomorrow, I swear, but this came in over the weekend and I think we can answer it pretty quickly and keep this week’s theme going.

Ahoy, Captain!

I’m another wayward really insecure dude with a lady problem. But I think it might be a moderately different kind of lady problem than you usually deal with. I hope! (Ed. note: SRSLY)

My parents always taught me at home that expressing any kind of attraction to a woman was wrong, because women are too pure for that- but they were so busy losing their shit over the idea of hetero sex, they didn’t even imagine other kinds. I was proudly out as gay since the end of high school. I had several boyfriends in college, some of which I was reallyy serious about. I know I like men. A lot.

I think it is obvious where I am going with this- I then fell HARD for a female friend, in the last semester of college, and it was requited. I can’t even describe how much I like this girl, Captain … I kind of want to pull a Tom Cruise and shout on national television about how much I love her. I totally get that I sound like an idiot. But she’s amazing and I am hella proud just to be her friend, let alone date her.

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Dear Captain Awkward:

I’ve been a closet atheist for almost five years, and it’s getting kind of stuffy in here.

Here’s some background: I’m a Dawoodi Bohra Muslim, which is sort of like the Muslim equivalent of the Catholic Church, only smaller. We have organized clergy, a pope-like figure, etc, etc. My parents are devout. Most of immediate relatives are devout, with the exception of my dad’s family, whom I am no longer close to thanks to a lot of drama. My closest friend is devout.

There are a long list of reasons why I’m afraid to tell the truth to anyone:

1) I’m a freshman in college and dependent financially on my parents. If I tell them, they could do anything from disowning me to forcing me to live at home to sending me to India to attend some sort of religious camp.

2) I might lose people I love — my friends, my family.

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