Tag Archives: search terms

Creepily, I can see what Google searches bring people to this blog. Sometimes it’s fun to try to help these searchers out.

“I think I’m very unattracted to my boyfriend, is that a good reason to break up?” 

Yes. One of the best, in fact.

Do I text the girl that blew me?”

Depends. Do you want to see her again? Do you plan to do something nice for her if you do get together again? If the answer to both those questions is no, then, no. If yes, then text away.

“I want to be a teacher but I have an embarrassing name.”

Really? You’d let that stop you? Kids can be cruel, but if they make fun of your name it’s far more likely that they sense your shame and weirdness about it and are going for a weak spot than anything about the name itself.

Names can be changed, btw. It’s a hassle, but it can be done. Maybe this is the year that you reinvent yourself as NewName NewName Comma Teacher.

My boyfriend was rude to my parents, what do I do?

Ask him why he behaved like that. Let him know that it’s not cool and you’d like him to apologize to your parents. Watch carefully for his reaction – if he tries to make it your fault or your parents’ fault instead of owning up to his own behavior, proceed directly to breaking up. If he steps up and owns the behavior, write it off as a mistake for now but be watchful – is he rude to other people? Is he rude to you?

“What if when I left our second date my crush said nothing but ‘text me’?”

You could try texting him or her. Someone who likes you will text back promptly and it will begin a conversation. Someone who isn’t that into you will not respond quickly and it will not feel like a conversation.

I hate my girlfriend now that she’s moved in.

Oops. Do you think it’s just the strain of adjusting to having someone around all the time and that it will get better in time? Can you remember why you fell in love with her? Are you being kind to each other?  If you do break up with her now, you’ll feel like less of a jerk if you put a little money aside to help her find a new place.

“My parents hate my boyfriend.”

This is a rough one. Sometimes parents have really good reasons for being concerned about their kids’ dating partners, but sometimes they are interfering and controlling. Have you asked your parents to lay out what they don’t like about him and listened sincerely to their concerns? Are those concerns good ones? What do your friends think of him?

“Girl with ugly teeth gets fucked”

That’s extremely specific, son.

Read More

I love seeing what search terms bring people here  to Captain Awkward Dot Com Enterprises. “Today can eat a bag of dicks.”  “Wealthy women have needs, too.”  “How do I find a rich bad girl?”  In this post, I’ll try to answer some of the questions I found in my search terms.  Sometimes you don’t need the backstory to know that something is a terrible idea.

I’m putting the actual questions behind a cut.  Some of them involve rape and sexual pressure and coercion and are 100% A+++ NOT FUNNY and the fact that people are Googling this stuff is breaking my heart.

Read More

This fake blog milestone brought to you by 50,000 Polish zloty.

Page views (which, like all bloggers, I monitor with the attention of a cobra watching the rat who has wandered into its lair…yesssssss…refressssssssshhhh) climbed over 50,000 today.

Welcome! I love seeing what search terms people use to find the site.  Until I get a chance to write about this topic (I Have Thoughts), I’d like to refer those of you who searched for  “consent is sexy” and “how to make sex with someone new not awkward” to Manboobz for today’s awesome sex education post.  It’s for both assholes and non-assholes, so everyone should be covered.

I feel like I can help the person searching for a  “clingy friend who’s always up my ass” and the one who wants to know  “is it awkward to tell a guy he’s cute” (Answer:  Yes, it’s a little awkward, but the payoff is high – he might like you back, and you’re also doing a solid for feminism by breaking down the stereotype that men ask and women wait).  As for the person who searched for “i need a rich sex girl” and “how 2 make a decent girl dirty”…I don’t know what to tell you.  If you’re trying to “send boyfriend’s ex a message,” don’t, and if you “want 2 get over someone,” ask yourself what would Dune protagonist Paul Atreides do?

I have a few really interesting questions in the mailbag – How do you interact with parents who were abusive when you were a child now that they are old and mellow?  How do you build community for yourself and find people you can really count on?   – that I’ll be writing up in the next few days, but I can always use more.

Thanks for reading and for celebrating this arbitrary milestone with me.  Stay awkward.