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Tag Archives: search terms

These are edited slightly for punctuation, but otherwise unchanged. Find out how people find this blog!

1. “Do I tell my son’s teacher he has a crush on her?”

No. What possible good could come of this?

2. “How to react when your cousin brother loses his mom.”

Tell him you are very sorry for his loss. While it’s tempting to ask “Is there anything I can do?” grieving people are often too overwhelmed to think of anything they need. It’s emotional “work” they on top of everything else. But they still need the love & support of family and friends. So see if you can bring dinner over/take him to the movies/spend time with him/otherwise let him know that you care.

3. “Why doesn’t my husband like for me to masturbate?”

We covered this, so I hope you found it, but the short version is: Learning to love yourself is the Greatest Love of All. It’s none of his business.

4. “Someone called me “girlie” in not a nice way..is it condescending?”

Fuck yes it is.

5. “Feeling sad and lonely inside a relationship.”

This sounds like a relationship that is profoundly Not Working, and I’m so sorry.

Maybe it’s time for a little journaling. What’s going on in your life, overall? Are you generally feeling a little down? Do you need to call in Team You (could be a therapist, friends, family, partner, mentors) and take some steps around self-care and feeling good? Is there something you wish your partner was doing that s/he’s not that you could ask for specifically? Is it time to end this thing and focus on taking care of yourself and being around people who don’t make you feel “sad and lonely”?

6. “Why does my my girlfriend keep inviting a guy with us to hang out?”

This is one of those “ask her” questions, and if it bothers you, then also “tell her.” Don’t torture yourself with possible reasons. Script: “I’ve noticed that ‘Steve’ has been coming on a lot of our dates, what’s up with that?” Who knows, maybe Steve is lonely and she’s trying to do him a solid. Whatever the reason, you are allowed to say “Could we have some one-on-one time next time we go out?

7. “Advice for one who has been abandon by the man coz of his family and yet she is pregnant.”

That’s a heavy one, my friend. My advice for you is to sit with the idea that he is never, ever coming back. Make your plans for the future knowing that he will never be a part of your life the way you want him to. In that world, what do you want?

8. “How to control your girlfriend that’s too sensitive.”

Wow. Scratch a situation where a person is “too sensitive” and you’ll usually find someone who makes mean, belittling comments and jokes that aren’t really jokes and violates boundaries nearby.

Is that person you? Because as soon as you are asking “how do I control this other person who is separate from me” you have gone far, far, far over to the Dark Side. Maybe it’s time to break up with this fragile soul and find someone who can take what you’re dishing out.

9. “My boyfriend doesn’t come to watch me perform.”

Oof. My ex-boyfriend didn’t like to come watch me perform at storytelling events, and while I was mostly okay with it (I’d rather have someone not come than come grudgingly and not enjoy whatever it is), it was such a good feeling when The Gentleman Caller’s attitude to such things was “Of COURSE I will be there!” Like, oh, this is what I need and deserve. Oh.

There are limits, of course – a working performer is going to perform way more than even the most dedicated partner wants to sit at the table with the band-spouses until Last Call, and nobody wants to be in the “fan” position all the time. But wanting someone to like your work and be there for you at least some of the time is not wrong, pushy, needy, diva-like, etc. If you’ve been playing it off like it doesn’t matter, it’s time for a serious talk about this. Tell him how important it is to you that he support you in this, and see what his attitudes are.

10. “My friend is cheating on me.” 

Like in this short film?

Content notes: Made by a former student for my class! Has some non-realistic parody violence & references to popular horror movies that may not be your jam.

“I didn’t know you didn’t want me seeing other friends.” 

Your friend gets to see other friends, Friend! So if you talk about this, I would stay away from accusations of “cheating” or mentioning the other friends and keep it to wanting to spend more time together. More on rebuilding fractured friendships here.

11. “how 2 tell my new gf that i want 2 hav sex with her.”

“Girlfriend, would you like to come back to my place and have some sex?”

Or “I would really like to have sex with you, what do you think about that?”

And then really listen to her answer.

Also, talk about this when you have your clothes on long before the intended moment. You’ve got logistical things to work out. What are your safer sex protocols? Is this the kind of sex where contraception is needed? When was the last time y’all got tested for STDs?

Taking care of yourself and the other person around sex IS romantic and sexy.

12.” after two dates do you still keep online date options open?”

It sounds like YOU do, so do!

And if you’re really into the two-dates person and not so into meeting other people, then don’t.

When I met the Gentleman Caller, after two dates I had no time for anyone else and cancelled any other plans I’d made. He had also been dating around a bit and had some things scheduled with people who he’d met before meeting me and it took a few weeks for that all to wind down. Which we mutually learned when we had a conversation about being exclusive.

Sometimes keeping options eternally open is a habit, sometimes it’s a sign you’re “meh” about someone, sometimes it’s about wanting to feel like you have options in case the other person isn’t as into you as you are into them…but it’s not hugely meaningful on its own and if something is really working it will find a way to work.

13. “Not wanting to be burden on therapist.”

Oh, sweetheart,  make your appointments, keep your appointments, pay for your appointments in the agreed-upon manner, and freely unload your troubles = being a good patient. Your therapist is there to listen to ALL of your worries, and does not think you are a burden.

14. “How to say no to a second date nicely.”

“No, but thanks!”

Creepily, I can see what Google searches bring people to this blog. Sometimes it’s fun to try to help these searchers out.

“I think I’m very unattracted to my boyfriend, is that a good reason to break up?” 

Yes. One of the best, in fact.

Do I text the girl that blew me?”

Depends. Do you want to see her again? Do you plan to do something nice for her if you do get together again? If the answer to both those questions is no, then, no. If yes, then text away.

“I want to be a teacher but I have an embarrassing name.”

Really? You’d let that stop you? Kids can be cruel, but if they make fun of your name it’s far more likely that they sense your shame and weirdness about it and are going for a weak spot than anything about the name itself.

Names can be changed, btw. It’s a hassle, but it can be done. Maybe this is the year that you reinvent yourself as NewName NewName Comma Teacher.

My boyfriend was rude to my parents, what do I do?

Ask him why he behaved like that. Let him know that it’s not cool and you’d like him to apologize to your parents. Watch carefully for his reaction – if he tries to make it your fault or your parents’ fault instead of owning up to his own behavior, proceed directly to breaking up. If he steps up and owns the behavior, write it off as a mistake for now but be watchful – is he rude to other people? Is he rude to you?

“What if when I left our second date my crush said nothing but ‘text me’?”

You could try texting him or her. Someone who likes you will text back promptly and it will begin a conversation. Someone who isn’t that into you will not respond quickly and it will not feel like a conversation.

I hate my girlfriend now that she’s moved in.

Oops. Do you think it’s just the strain of adjusting to having someone around all the time and that it will get better in time? Can you remember why you fell in love with her? Are you being kind to each other?  If you do break up with her now, you’ll feel like less of a jerk if you put a little money aside to help her find a new place.

“My parents hate my boyfriend.”

This is a rough one. Sometimes parents have really good reasons for being concerned about their kids’ dating partners, but sometimes they are interfering and controlling. Have you asked your parents to lay out what they don’t like about him and listened sincerely to their concerns? Are those concerns good ones? What do your friends think of him?

“Girl with ugly teeth gets fucked”

That’s extremely specific, son.

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I love seeing what search terms bring people here  to Captain Awkward Dot Com Enterprises. “Today can eat a bag of dicks.”  “Wealthy women have needs, too.”  “How do I find a rich bad girl?”  In this post, I’ll try to answer some of the questions I found in my search terms.  Sometimes you don’t need the backstory to know that something is a terrible idea.

I’m putting the actual questions behind a cut.  Some of them involve rape and sexual pressure and coercion and are 100% A+++ NOT FUNNY and the fact that people are Googling this stuff is breaking my heart.

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This fake blog milestone brought to you by 50,000 Polish zloty.

Page views (which, like all bloggers, I monitor with the attention of a cobra watching the rat who has wandered into its lair…yesssssss…refressssssssshhhh) climbed over 50,000 today.

Welcome! I love seeing what search terms people use to find the site.  Until I get a chance to write about this topic (I Have Thoughts), I’d like to refer those of you who searched for  “consent is sexy” and “how to make sex with someone new not awkward” to Manboobz for today’s awesome sex education post.  It’s for both assholes and non-assholes, so everyone should be covered.

I feel like I can help the person searching for a  “clingy friend who’s always up my ass” and the one who wants to know  “is it awkward to tell a guy he’s cute” (Answer:  Yes, it’s a little awkward, but the payoff is high – he might like you back, and you’re also doing a solid for feminism by breaking down the stereotype that men ask and women wait).  As for the person who searched for “i need a rich sex girl” and “how 2 make a decent girl dirty”…I don’t know what to tell you.  If you’re trying to “send boyfriend’s ex a message,” don’t, and if you “want 2 get over someone,” ask yourself what would Dune protagonist Paul Atreides do?

I have a few really interesting questions in the mailbag – How do you interact with parents who were abusive when you were a child now that they are old and mellow?  How do you build community for yourself and find people you can really count on?   – that I’ll be writing up in the next few days, but I can always use more.

Thanks for reading and for celebrating this arbitrary milestone with me.  Stay awkward.