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Hi Captain,

My husband and I have enjoyed three years of wedded bliss. He’s a super-organized, left-brained engineer. I am a right-brained, less organized creative-type. We’re crazy about each other and get along very well. But there’s one minor, recurrent issue that I want to address, and I’d appreciate your input on how to discuss it with my husband.

It seems like sometimes my husband micromanages me. I say “seems like” because what feels like micromanaging to me is what he would call “being helpful” or pointing out the “right way” to do something. An example: Last night, while putting away the rice cooker, he tells me how I should wrap the cord around the handle of the rice cooker in order to make it easier to unwrap the cord next time we want to use it. To his engineer brain, this is him “being helpful!” because if there is a more efficient way to do something, of course that’s the right way to do it.

I’m fine with him offering suggestions some of the time, but when he does this on a daily basis, it grates on my nerves. And honestly, it feels pretty patronizing. I might be more flighty and disorganized than him, but I’m also a competent adult who can figure out how to put the rice cooker away, thank you very much.

Another example: While I’m making dinner, he suggests that I’ll save time if I chop up an onion his way instead of my way. (I do 90% of the cooking. If one of us is an expert in onion-chopping, it’s me!) Also: After lots of thorough research, I purchase travel insurance for our next vacation; after I make the purchase, he reads the policy and the emails me with questions/issues—all of which I already addressed when I called the insurance company. This leaves me with the impression that he doesn’t trust that I did my homework, so to speak, before I purchased the insurance.

I’ve tried addressing this in the moment by saying “I’ve got this covered, okay?” and “I think I know how to chop an onion, dear,” but my words aren’t sticking. I want to sit him down and have a conversation, something along of the lines of: “Sometimes you do This Thing, and when you do, it feels like you think I’m not competent or capable. I feel like you don’t trust me to handle things on my own without your participation.” I’m worried that his response will be what it usually is. He’ll pull out the “helpful!” card or claim that his way is the right way. Got any ideas/thoughts/scripts for me?

Thanks a million!

Not his employee

Dear Not His Employee,

Let’s begin today with a musical interlude:

HE COMES OUT DAY AND NIGHT

TO TELL YOU HE’S ALWAYS RIGHT

HE’LL TELL YOU THE THINGS THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW-OW-OW

WATCHING AND WAITING

OOH HE’S SITTING WITH YOU BUT HIS EYES ARE ON LIFEHACKER

WHOA HERE HE COMES

WATCH OUT GIRL HE’LL FIX YOU UP

WHOA HERE HE COMES

HE’S A MANSPLAINER

:dance party:

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