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Welcome to the re-activation/remixing of “Short Answer Fridays,” where patrons of the site have first dibs for getting short questions answered. I broke it up into two parts, I’ll post the rest this weekend.

Q1 Scripts for when my mom talks about how she looks like a slob, or how she is such a lazy wretch because her house is a wreck (spoiler, it looks a million times better than mine). Or should I just grit my teeth and let it go, always an option. Love your work. Thank you for doing it. (she/her/hers)

I am allergic to self-deprecation in others (my own is another story), I strongly dislike the bonding ritual of putting yourself down as a gambit to get the other person to try to convince you that you’re great, and one way I deal with all of it is to playfully agree with the person. So I would go with “Ha mom, you’re right, what a dump!” or “Sure mom, you’re a slob, everybody knows!” 

I keep my tone light, I laugh, I change the subject as soon as I can because I don’t want to give it a ton of attention, the message is “I’m not playing this game with you.” I think these conversations are more between the other person and themselves than anything to do with me, so who am I to take a side?

Other people have luck with “Stop saying mean stuff about my mom you big jerk!” or sincere talks like “Why don’t we try saying only nice things about ourselves for a change” or “If you’d like some compliments or reassurance you can just ask, you know.”

Or there’s always Mr. Awkward, who’s 95-year-old friend often grouses about looking old and Mr. Awkward answers, deadpan, “Well, good news, Scoop, you don’t look a day over 96.” 

More questions after the jump.

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Dear Captain Awkward,

So, I live in a small home with my boyfriend and one of our mutual friends. Before we moved in with said friend, we thought she was far cleaner than she actually is, as she often complained about her parents’ cleanliness and messiness when she lived with them.

Turns out, that is not the case.

She doesn’t clean up after herself. Dirty dishes remain in the sink, or in her room, for days, and when she went away for a week on a trip, she dumped all the dirty dishes from her room into the sink before peacing on out, leaving us to deal with it. When she cleans up her cat’s poop on the carpet, she just picks it up and doesn’t spray anything on the carpet itself to actually deal with the bacteria left behind, saying “it’s okay, it was dry!” She leaves splatters all over the stove and counters, grit all over the floors, crumbs all over, and her hair all over the bathroom floor.

And now there are the bugs.

We got fruit flies everywhere one day. Upstairs where our rooms are, swarming in the bathroom, and downstairs in the kitchen. I cleaned like crazy and set up natural fruit fly traps to deal with the issue, but the flies just weren’t diminishing even after killing literally hundreds.

After dealing with them actually coming into mine and my boyfriend’s room, I had enough. I did investigating and followed the trail of flies…to my roommate’s room. (She never closes the door.) Her trashcan is overflowing, trash all over the floor, and full of fruit flies, and she has ants all over her bedside table swarming over left behind food. There is food in her bed.

The ants and food are STILL THERE. Days later. She has to have noticed. It’s right by her bed, where she sets everything.

Captain, how do I even broach this conversation? I don’t care what she does in her room, but this is affecting us all, the flies are already everywhere and I don’t want those ants to come our way next. Or for us to get roaches or rats or other pests.

That, and I feel like me and my boyfriend are constantly cleaning. It’s exhausting, since again, her one contribution is to maybe take out the trash every now and then. We do all the bathroom cleaning, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen…everything. And most of it is cleaning up her messes, as both of us are kind of neat freaks who clean up after ourselves as we go. Just. What do. I love my friend, but her lack of cleanliness is driving me crazy.

Signed,
I am not your maid.

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Hey, I’m not a big one for New Year’s resolutions, because my jerkbrain can usually take that list and turn it into “List of Things I’m Currently Failing At” by March, but I do have one for this blog.

There is a big election coming in the USA, you may have heard about it?

I’m sure that where I stand on political stuff is not a secret. My personal vote is 99.99% sewn up (yes, even if that candidate has done/will do some stuff I don’t like that I’m very, very aware of) and my Twitter feed will likely be full of all kinds of political links and retweets all year long, but the blog is not the place for that.

We’re not bugging people to vote for a certain candidate, we’re not rehashing the horrorshow political theater debates, we’re not linking to very important articles about the election, we’re not getting all riled up and outraged about and at each other, we’re not pleading with each other to vote or telling each other to sign this important e-petition. Deal?  If I slip up, call me out, though I’m definitely leaving up that thing I said about a certain candidate’s supporters from the other day. That’s just the truth.

Clean slate going forward. Politicking and electioneering at Captain Awkward Dot Com will be deleted.

Matt Paxton from Hoarders

"Honey, don't make me call Matt Paxton, World's Sexiest Cleaning Guy!"

Dear Captain Awkward,

My boyfriend (late 30s) and I (early 30s) have been dating for about 2 years and pretty much everything is great. He’s kind, generous, supportive, and smart; he understands “privilege” and “the kyriarchy”; we have similar goals in life; and the sex is awesome. We’re talking about getting married and having kids. However, I have a problem: his personal hygeine and housekeeping skills are disgusting. 

He doesn’t shower daily, only brushes his teeth 3-4 times per week, and wears the same clothes for days on end. We live in an area notorious for being super-casual and laid back, and even here his employer has had to have a talk with him about his grooming habits. Yesterday I jokingly brought up the tooth-brushing thing, and he protested that he brushes “almost daily” and that his oral health is fine. He thinks his gums are healthy and is convinced he’s cavity-free, but he hasn’t been to the dentist in years, and his gums are visibly receding and discolored. It’s revolting.

His apartment is gross – it stinks of ammonia since he rarely cleans his cats’ litterbox. When they vomit or drag in dead rodents, he picks up the chunks off the carpet but doesn’t treat the stain. His toilet bowl is brown on the inside. There is a layer of dirt, hair and scum on practically every surface in the kitchen and bathroom. When he washes dishes, they don’t get clean – they just come out greasy from the filthy water he washes them in. 

I don’t know how to broach this topic with him. I love him and want to make a lifetime commitment to him, but I also want him to take care of his body and of the house we’re eventually going to share. When we live together, I don’t want to be solely responsible for keeping the house in habitable condition. I also don’t want his teeth to fall out before he’s 50. Am I a nagging harpy for wanting to change his habits regarding grooming and housekeeping? How can I discuss this with him in a way that won’t make him feel attacked? He sometimes tends to regard criticism as an attack on Who He Is as a Person, if you know what I mean. Help!

– Fastidious Girlfriend

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