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Dear Captain Awkward:

An ex (X) asked if I had reservations about X hooking up with a mutual acquaintance (A). I told X my reservation/opinion. X then told A what I said. A is angry and upset

On one hand, I gave an opinion when asked based on my knowledge of situations involving A. But on the other, regardless of my intention, A got hurt, and I do not know A that well, so what I said could of course be totally wrong. I wish A had not been hurt, and it was not my intent.

I am thinking it over and trying to figure out if there is something I should have done instead. I am really stupid about human relationships (so often I don’t grasp what people find stunningly simple/common sense), and I would like to know how to address situations like this correctly in the future. Any insight or advice you have is truly appreciated. Thank you.

Honest but Awkward

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Captain-

I’ve been keeping a secret from everyone I know. My husband, my best friend, my family. I haven’t even written it down until now.

I want a divorce.

I met a great guy in high school, and we started seeing each other. Things got serious fast and we moved in together, and that was it. I’ve never dated anyone else. Hell, I haven’t ever been sexy in any capacity with anyone else. Kissing, heavy petting sex, you name it. We didn’t marry until about a year ago, but we’ve considered ourselves married for a long time. Until recently, we were trying to get me pregnant. I really care about him and love him and want good things for him. But I also want good things for myself, and more and more it looks like that’s not going to happen with us together. We’ve been over these things in the past, they’re still problems and they’re problems I can’t swallow anymore. I don’t know if I’ve changed or simply reached my limit, although I guess it doesn’t really matter.

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Joseph Gordon-Leavitt from 500 Days of Summer, looking pleased with himself.

500 Days of Summer: A movie about selective hearing by a nice guy who turns into a Nice Guy (tm).

O Captain! My Captain!

Our fearful trip is not at all done.

I’ve moved quite recently to a city I quite like.  I have a lot of casual pals but few close, trustworthy friends.  I’ve just started a new job, and am trying to balance my time between this job, a long-term creative project, taking care of myself (cooking, exercising, etc.), and of course making friends.

I also met someone who is, in some ways, really great.  (That “in some ways” may tell you all you need to know.)  He’s attractive, considerate, fascinating, and fun.  He’s also ridiculously intense. Like, RIDICULOUSLY.  I’m pretty sure that I am going to have to have an awkward conversation with him, and I’ve actually already figured out what I need to say, so that’s not the question.  (“I just moved here and am trying to put my life together, and I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed.  I really do like you and I want to be friends and hang out, but I need to get my life on track and make friends before I can even think about getting involved with anyone romantically.  I really do mean the friends part. Will you still come to my party?”)

The question is, instead, two other things.

One.  The way he’s intense reminds me of myself, like, five years ago.  I can totally understand why anyone didn’t want to date me then – I thought everyone would be the love of my life, and I was obsessed with my own perceived inability to have a normal relationship, and I took things personally that were not at all about me.  My do-gooder heart wants to find some way to be able to help him.  Can I?

Two.  A much more selfish query.  Is there any way I can go backwards in time, get rid of all the serious crap, and somehow just do silly things with him and maybe sleep together for a while?  (I didn’t sleep with him, never fear, in part because I was trying to find a way to get him to chill out.  In retrospect, maybe I should have; he’s bending over backwards trying to tell me he doesn’t just want to have sex with me, which might not actually be a bad thing.)  I suspect the answer is no, but I can keep hoping.

Love,

Too Much Too Soon

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