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Robert Shaw as Quint in the movie Jaws 1976

“The thing about scars is, when you look at ’em, you remember what bit you.”

Two fans of the blog asked themselves “How would Bartholomew M. Quint answer that question?

Here is the result.

Ahoy Captain!

Over the past few weeks, I had more than one conversation steered towards having a list of dating criteria. I was surprised to discover that most of the people around me have a list of dating criteria. When they asked me what mine were, I came up with values, rather than a list of things I like and dislike. According to them this is vague and describes anyone… and to be honest in the past I have made absolutely horrendous dating decisions and ended up in an abusive relationship, another one that ended with my partner leaving me for my best friend, and one resulting in a long legal battle so I can see my son that is not yet over. I find having a list sounds petty, but is it really something people should have? If so, more importantly, what should be in this list? How do you make such a list?

Thank you,
Looking for Love

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Bruce Campbell looking bloodied and confused.

Like Ash, I want to help! It just takes me a second...a long second...to figure out how.

Question:  How is coming out to your family like admitting that you’ve never seen The Evil Dead in a room full of nerds/filmmakers/filmmaking nerds?

Answer:  Those two things are in no way similar. Which is why I called in reinforcements for this question. Please welcome Julie and Jessica, the filmmaking duo known as King is a Fink.  They don’t need secret identities or quasi-military titles because superhero is their day job.

Dear Captain Awkward,

My family is great compared to most–my parents love us, my relationship with my siblings is good now that we’re all adults, we’re financially stable, etc. But I’ve had persistent problems getting them to stop making homophobic, racist, and/or sexist comments. When I tell them to stop, I usually get hit with the “it’s a joke, lighten up” excuse, and because there are more of them than there are of me I’m very quickly overruled.

Two out of the three categories are personally hurtful to me because I’m a gay woman, not that my family knows it (er, the gay part, I mean). Their casual homophobia so pervades all our conversations, especially the ones I have with my siblings, that I’m far too scared to come out to them. Unfortunately, this also makes the tactic of “this is personally upsetting to me, please stop talking like that for my sake” too frightening to use.

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Captain Picard in shorts reading a book.

Captain Picard is on vacation and can't help you, so for now, you get us.

Today, the awesome regular commenter known as “k”has been promoted to Ensign Perception in the Army of Awkward. She will help this letter writer explore the universe of people he would like to sleep with.

Dear Captain Awkward,

I have a problem when it comes to being attracted to people. I suppose colloquially this problem would be called “low standards,” but I don’t like to think about it that way, because I don’t feel like it entails any disrespect on my part toward the people I’m attracted to. The many, many people.

The best way I can describe my feelings about intimacy is this: I basically have no friend zone. If I have a lot in common with a person and I’m reasonably certain that they won’t turn my skin into a lampshade, I find myself wanting to be intimate with them. I try to be discerning about who I actually try to initiate anything with – if I feel like they have no interest in me whatsoever, I don’t bother. But still, this results in a lot of rejection for me. The rejection itself isn’t so much the issue. I respect their right to not be attracted to me and all that. But more than being hurtful – although it is, as I imagine rejection is for anyone, always at least a little hurtful – these rejections just confuse me. Not because I think I’m awesome, but because my barriers to desiring intimacy with another person seem to be just way, way lower than they are for everybody around me. I’m just not certain what’s stopping them unless they find me physically repulsive (and in most cases, I’m pretty sure people don’t).

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