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Hi!

I am 28, she/her. My sister in law (“A”) is also 28 and my brother (“D”) is 31.

I have a question about gift etiquette.

Last year on my birthday, A and D gave me a bunch of used DVDs. They got me slightly damaged copies of a couple movies and every season of a TV show my parents liked in the 90’s that I have never expressed any interest in. They wrapped each one individually so they could watch me unwrap them and giggle. I got the joke – this is a terrible gift! Hahaha – but I wasn’t included in the joke. With each one I opened, I got more confused, which seemed to make it even more funny for them.

That Christmas, they did it again, and this time they did it to my parents as well. They got me individual seasons of a TV show that is available in its entirety on Netflix and that I have had conversations about with them in the past where I said I did not like the show. They got my parents copies of DVDs they already owned. All of these were slightly beat up from being previously owned. They giggled and said things like “That’s an important one” and “Better get on watching that soon” the whole time.

My parents pretended to like them the whole time, but as A and D had already done this on my birthday, I finally got frustrated and refused to open more presents from them, because they just kept coming. We all take turns opening gifts and every time it was my turn, it was another used DVD.

Meanwhile, I work very hard on gifts. Last year I got A, a notorious anglophile, a certificate to a years subscription to a service that gets a ton of different British TV shows she had been wanting to watch but hadn’t been able to get access to. I nestled the certificate in a box of fortune cookie fortunes I had collected throughout the year (she collects these and plans to cover a table with them someday). For D I spent months searching for a sweater that had the Coca Cola logo on it. (He loves Coke. He once wrote an essay on its history for a college history class.) These were in addition to other things – games they didn’t have (they love board games) and nice teas (they enjoy tea). I spent ages trying to find thoughtful gifts and then I wrapped each one in nice paper that’s in their favorite colors.

The Christmas before last they didn’t get me a joke gift. They got me a “gummy candy maker.” It was essentially brightly colored silicone molds and unbranded Jello to put in them. It was obviously a children’s toy, and when I opened it, it was sticky from being previously owned. I pretended to be interested and thanked them, which made them smirk at each other. They also gave me a wine-scented candle. It was branded as being from a winery A’s parents had gone to a month or two prior. (Meaning I think they regifted it.)

So they have always given gifts like this, last year was just kind of a new level.

After they left last Christmas, my mom pulled me aside and was like, “Do you know what was going on with all the used DVDs?”

I said, “I think they just thought it was funny.” She seemed a bit crestfallen. She gives gifts similar to mine. She had gotten A a rare kind of tea set.

Furthermore, I don’t think A used the gift certificate and I know D got rid of the sweater because this year Mom said we should take a family photo wearing goofy sweaters and D said he didn’t have one. I said, “What about the one I gave you last Christmas?” He said “Oh, right. I might still have that.”

This is not a money thing – they both make more money than I do and buy nice, new things for themselves regularly. They’re just giving me joke gifts and doubling down when my feelings are hurt. I guess they just don’t like the gifts I give them.

I don’t mean to seem like I’m bragging about being super great at giving gifts or I’m entitled to lots of cool presents. I only meant that I try to put a lot of thought into their gifts and save up for them for a long time. They take a long time to think of and pull off. And A and D get cheap gifts at the last second. I would rather they didn’t get me anything at all.

My question is, what is the etiquette for receiving gifts that hurt my feelings? Do I have to keep pretending they don’t? What should I feel about trying really hard to get them things they like and having them openly dislike them? I want to just get them Amazon gift cards this year, but if they decide to get me non-joke presents this year I’ll just look like an asshole. I don’t know what to do or say.

Sorry this is so long. Thank you in advance.

Hello, thank you for the extremely timely seasonal question that is also an example of when rules that we’re taught about good manners as a child stop working around certain adults.

A Rule Most Of Us Were Taught: “It’s rude to interrupt.”

Sometimes it is, but when you’re dealing with someone who never lets you talk, or who says upsetting things (shame spirals on an unceasing loop, un-constructive criticisms, various bigotries, answering questions you didn’t ask by explaining shit you already know, and yes – even well-meaning, enthusiastic conversational overflow from ADHD kids like me!), it really, really pays to interrupt them, and you’ll be much happier if you do. People who tend to dominate conversations won’t shrivel and die of interruption. (Truthfully, we might not even notice.)

A Rule Most Of Us Were Taught: “It’s ruder to criticize someone’s etiquette mistake than it is to make the etiquette mistake in the first place.” This is a rule about culture and fitting in.

Emily Post, one of the best-known proponents of this approach, saw her advice as a way to a) help both new immigrants to the United States and the suddenly proliferating middle and new-money classes understand social mores so they could better assimilate (with assumed advantages to them for employment and upward mobility) and b) remind her own snobby, crusty, filthy-rich peers to value kindness and making an effort over polish. She was hardly a revolutionary, but for every “don’t swing your arms please it’s unladylike” tip she ever wrote there is definitely a delicious aspect of “If a guest doesn’t know what a finger-bowl is and you, the host, try to embarrass them, call attention to their difference, or make fun of them for not knowing, YOU are the asshole in this situation and next time we run into each other in the lane be careful I don’t issue the Cut Direct in the form of a kid-gloved fist to your puckered little jerkface, you absolute failure of a human being”* running through her work. Good, right?

Sadly, somehow people have translated and handed this down as “When someone is being rude, it’s even ruder to speak up about it” even when the failure on display isn’t one of form but of kindness. Worse, they’ve taught some of us that what’s “most polite” is our silence and compliance and “civility” at all costs. The costs are adding up, to the point that thanks to old-fashioned white supremacy and widespread Fox News poisoning, next Thursday in these United States I doubt a single minute of daylight will pass without someone’s relative saying something downright genocidal without a peep from anybody (because: politeness!), but the second someone does challenge Uncle I-Put-The-Eugene-In-Eugenics, that person will be told  “Shhhh! No arguing politics at the holiday table!”** and get treated like the originator of the problem.

Is it an exaggeration to say that every word of this blog for the past nine years is meant to be a deliberate rebellion against this expectation and conditioning?

A Rule We Were Taught: GIFTING EDITION

“I don’t care if it’s a dog turd in a cereal box! When someone gives you a gift, you say ‘thank you’ and act like you love it ’til we get home.” – My Dad, Christmas, 1982, when my aunt gave me an E.T. figurine she’d crafted in a paint-your-own-ceramics workshop and I cried both because I’d wanted something Star Wars or Barbie-related and because, well, look at it. (The rest of the story, including, why is it in the top rack of a dishwasher, at Patreon).

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Image: A hideous though no-doubt lovingly crafted ceramic E.T. figurine, in the top rack of a dishwasher.

Dad was absolutely right, my aunt had worked hard on something she hoped I’d love, and she deserved a polite thank you. She didn’t know about the nightmares! But this doesn’t apply when it’s a repeat offender giving deliberately bad gifts. My big brother and I gave each other matching $35 Borders gift cards wrapped in increasingly elaborate packages for a solid decade as a way of saying, “I have no idea who you are and what you like as an adult, we can still beat a joke into submission and resurrect it, kill the joke again, and laugh hysterically at the zombie joke lurching through the room just like we did when we were kids!” It infuriated my mom that we weren’t giving “real presents,” but for us it was 100% a way of expressing love. Pranks where everyone isn’t in on the joke, pranks where everyone isn’t actively participating, pranks that fall flat every year? Are just being mean. 

Letter Writer, your parents’ confusion at the idea of joke gifts and pretense that this was in any way enjoyable tells me that you were taught something similar: Gifts are exercises in care and thoughtfulness; the worst thing in the world is to be visibly ungrateful for a gift.

Unfortunately your brother and his wife are being jerks and they need to be TOLD.  Either they genuinely think it’s funny and that you’re in on the joke, or they get off on bullying you, either way, they will not get hints. They will never ‘read the room.’ You gotta tell them.

Possible script:

“[Brother], I know you and [Spouse] love the joke gift thing, but I really hate it. This year can we either do real gifts – I’m happy to send you a list of a couple affordable things I could use and you can do the same, I’d love to get you and A. something you would definitely use – or, otherwise, can we agree to skip the whole thing? I’d rather just do nothing than have to unwrap a bunch of damaged crap again and pretend it’s fun.” 

Your parents are responsible for their own approach to this but maybe you could also ask your brother to give you money to purchase a group gift for your parents. You like picking out gifts! Volunteer to do the work and pick out something actually nice from all of you. If he offers any resistance, know that this is more trouble than its worth, get a nice gift for your parents from yourself and let your parents handle him.

If they agree to a cool gift and try to prank you with a shitty gift again, when you open the first scratched DVD of Two-And-A-Half Men or whatever utter garbage they chose this time I give you permission to say, “Oh, are we doing this again? Here, you open them, then since this is really a present for you.” DON’T PARTICIPATE IN OBVIOUS BULLSHIT. You may feel intense discomfort and pressure not to react this way (because of the “it’s ruder to acknowledge rudeness than to be the rudeness” conditioning you’ve received and because you are a good, thoughtful person) but like, enough already, Brother and Sister-in-Law! If they insist on making it weird, then let it be as fucking weird and unpleasant as they make it at least once.

As far as what to give them, may I suggest:

  • Nothing. “Oh, I didn’t bother this year – you like joke gifts and I don’t have the energy for all that. Who wants more eggnog?” I mixed a few joke suggestions in below but I am incredibly serious about trying out “Nothing” this year. They felt comfortable giving you nothing in the past, so…?
  • A single pair of white unisex gym socks each. (Socks are useful.)
  • Who couldn’t use an AA battery? You had this one in the junk drawer. It’s probably still good.
  • Donate to a charity you like in their name.
  • Your suggestion of gift cards is perfect, they never go out of style and you probably aren’t a person who can be comfortable coming empty-handed, but honestly, they don’t deserve you.
  • Seriously, save your money and your thoughtful, careful gift choices for people who appreciate them, these two are never gonna really get on your wavelength about this.

Additionally, readers have shared stories of deliberately mean, crappy, “I got everyone a nice gift and you an obviously ill-suited afterthought gift to show how much I don’t actually care about you” incidents from family members with me and asked what I suggest they do next time with repeat offenders, so may I offer up a flat “Oh thanks I would never have thought of this for myself” response and then leaving whatever it is behind under the tree, neatly tucked in a hall closet, or under a bed somewhere when you go. They’ll find it or they won’t, once it’s given to you it’s yours to do with as you please, and they can draw their own conclusions.

Yes, of course you coooooooooooooooooooooould quietly take it and throw it away or try to donate it or regift it once you get home but there’s something symbolic leaving this obviously hostile turd of a present behind for them to figure out how to store or dispose of. Of course this opens the door to the gifter trying to chase you down and get you to accept it (any excuse to bully you, right), so in that case try, “Oh, I didn’t forget, I had no desire for a [child-sized jumpsuit the color of dog doodoo][some dusty crap from the basement you’re trying to pawn off on me][a broken ice-scraper][a food thing I’m 100% allergic to, and oh goody, it’s expired][“Look I thought we covered this when I married your son and every one of the twelve years since, but I’M JEWISH, MISS ME WITH THE LIGHT UP MANGER SCENE AND THE ‘IRONIC’ CHRISTMAS SWEATERS], so hopefully you can use it? Thanks for the thought!”

Also, see above, and consider giving these people the gift of NOTHING from now on. They can try to play their game but you don’t have to participate.

*Obviously I’m paraphrasing  but if Emily Post were alive today she would 100% haunt the Am I The Asshole Reddit in her free time exhorting people to come correct even if they are tragically reduced to wearing last season’s gloves and keeping only one manservant. Believe it. P.S. Laura Claridge has written an excellent biography.

**“Don’t talk politics at the table.” Okay, I’ve been guilty of hoping  that one would work in the past, in the sense of giving hosts tools to shut down the loudmouths, but it needs an update. Most “politics” “arguments” afoot, especially among my fellow white people, currently aren’t “zoning laws should be slightly different, let’s discuss that and find the best solution,” they are more like:

Our Worst Relatives: “THOSE people with certain identities deserve to DIE and THEY are the ones VICTIMIZING ME by EXISTING LIKE THAT and YOU are being RUDE if you don’t agree, in silence.”

Us: “The opposite of all of that, actually? Also, I am somewhat Those People?”

Missing Stair Enabling Squad: “Why are you antagonizing them when you know they’re ‘just like that’? There’s no need to be uncivil!”

These lopsided calls for civility are bullshit, this isn’t about MANNERS, it’s about ETHICS and the SURVIVAL of our fellow humans, so let’s get fucking real and start Returning. Awkwardness. To. Sender. 

 

Dear Captain,

A year ago I (she, 26) made a male friend (25) over OkCupid. We were both just looking for new people to hang out with, I was lonely after  moving to a new city, and also happy to make a male friend because all my other friends are female. We started hanging out pretty regularly, just watching movies at home or going out for coffee or food.

Fast-forward a year, I invited him to my birthday party. At midnight  everyone gave me their gift, but he said that he would only give me his  when he leaves, so he doesn’t have to see me open it. He had done the  same at Christmas, so I wasn’t surprised, but imagine my shock when this  time, instead of a cute plushie, I opened the wrapping to see…a purple dildo. I was so shocked. The card he gave me explained how it was supposed to fit all the things on the list of “things I like” that I mailed to all my friends who weren’t sure what to gift me and I guess it was sort of a clever and funny play of words?

My friends laughed hysterically for like an hour, and I laughed with them, but the more I thought about it, the more disappointed I was. I have, I guess you could say a *thing* with presents, which is that I really really hate things I cannot use. I grew up poor and I like owning things of value and he knew that. I mean, that’s the whole reason of why
I sent that list around. But instead of respecting my wishes (and really, it’s not like they were outlandish, I wrote “stuff for my balcony” on that list so he could’ve literally just gotten me a plant), he chose to make a joke that *he* thought would be funny. Maybe I’m
being selfish, but to me, that’s an insult. It’s not even about the fact that it’s a sex toy (he knows I’m asexual), I wasn’t mad about that. I was mad that he didn’t think about what *I* would want.

I then told him that while it was funny for a while, I would prefer him to take it back and just give me the money. He refused, telling me how “disappointed” he is that I didn’t like his “troll gift” (literal quote), thus making everything about himself again.

Since then I’ve been unable to get myself to like him again. It’s like the floodgates have broken and I’ve started noticing other stuff that has been bothering me for a while but that I’ve overlooked – him never offering to do the dishes when we eat at my place, leaving behind a huge pile of trash when we get takeout, never checking in over Whatsapp how I’m doing, almost never being the one to set up the meeting place and
time for our meetings, never talking about #deep stuff and just joking around when I try…

He’s not a bad person, I know that if I tell him what bothers me, he will probably try to work at it. But why should I be the one to teach him basic manners? I’m not sure I want to take on that emotional labor. I can’t stop comparing him to my female friends, and I work a lot so I have to carefully choose the relationships I want to invest time in. Am
I really going to end a friendship over a dildo? On the other hand, were we really such good friends in the first place, or was I just lonely? Will I like him again if some time passes? Please help?

–Disappointed Birthday Girl

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Every Kiss Begins With Kay

I grudgingly bought you this ugly necklace because commercials told me I was supposed to. Now you have to wear it and pretend to like it for the rest of time.

Hello, it’s time for the day where if you are single you feel pressure to be in a couple and if you are in a couple you feel free to do something “special” and romantic that will satisfy the other person’s secret unspoken hopes and expectations for what Valentine’s Day should be like.  The potential for Overthinking It + Trying Too Hard = CAPTAIN AWKWARD GOLD.

First, if you’d like to give Captain Awkward a valentine, you can go vote for my guest post (The Man Who Would Not Break Eye Contact) at Sexy Typewriter.  Or vote for one of the other posts – it was a carnival of hilarity!

Second, a reader writes:

Hey Captain Awkward, I’ve been seeing this girl for about three weeks and I kind of blanked on Valentine’s Day, but now it’s here, and we’re supposed to hang out later, and I don’t know if she has expectations that we should do something special.  I’m a college student and don’t have a lot of money to go to fancy restaurants, and everything’s super-expensive tonight anyway.  Any advice?

This kind of question is what sends otherwise brave men to the terrifying pink and red aisle of the pharmacy or grocery store.  Resist!  If you like this girl and things are meant to be with her, it will be okay for you to just say “Hi, I kind of blanked on the whole Valentine’s Day thing, but I do really like you and am really glad we got to hang out today.”   Then you should just do whatever you did those other times that you hung out over the past three weeks, maybe with some extra kissing thrown in.  If you really want to go over the top, a couple weeks from now, get her flowers (NOT RED ROSES, THEY ARE PLAYED OUT – think tulips or irises or lilies) for no reason other than “I’m really happy with how things are going and I thought you might like these.”

MehIf you’re the guy who blanks on Valentine’s Day, but she is a girl who expects les fleurs et le chocolat and dinner at a place with prix fixe and fondue and gets disappointed when they don’t appear because you didn’t magically read her mind or save up hundreds of dollars to celebrate a “special” day in exactly the way that everyone else celebrates that day, every single holiday is going to be a study in disappointment.

A good guiding principle:  If it’s not fun for you and doesn’t come naturally, don’t do it on Valentine’s Day or any other day.

Let me also say:  Except in the minds of all mainstream marketing and media outlets everywhere, Valentine’s Day is not some holiday where men “prove” their devotion by buying crap for ladies.  However, the questioner is a man thinking about whether to do something special for a lady, and I’m going with his flow.  Hopefully his lady also has some butterflies in her stomach and will be doing something nice for him tonight.

I think the best gifts are ones that showed that you pay attention.  I read a lot of student screenplays where the writer is at pains to represent romance visually, so they are full of generic symbols like flowers and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and stuffed teddy bears holding hearts and engagement rings (that are thrown in the lake when the relationship sours, which seems expensive and wasteful to me).  Probably the most romantic Valentine’s gift I’ve ever received was an external hard drive that I still use to this day for video editing.  It was a new relationship and the person (Intern Paul, if you must know) showed me that he understood what I was about.

In the past, when a boyfriend sent me a big bunch of roses at work, it felt a) like he was territorially peeing on me by displaying to everyone that I was ‘taken,’ and b) like everyone in the office was way too interested in the whole thing.  I was in a special Club now, the Club of Women Who Get Roses on Valentine’s Day, and who are somehow Special and Chosen, and women who were not in The Club were looking at my flowers and feeling bad about themselves or about me, like “Wait, I’m single and she’s not?  But she is so fat and crazy and weird!”  I don’t know, maybe for some women it’s really important to be in The Club, and what men do by sending Valentine’s Day flowers to work is give them the gift of being in The Club.  Having been in The Club, I’ll take half a terabyte of video storage from a dude who knows my deep abiding love of Final Cut Pro.

If you did leave things until the last minute, and you do feel like you want to make some gesture, here are a few inexpensive catch-all suggestions.

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