Oh yeah. You read that right. Putting this one behind a cut.
Dear Captain Awkward,
I’m a 23 year old college student, and the kind of degree and profession I want to work in requires constant joint projects where working alone is not an option, and because our industry is so small, making good connections in college with your peers can be really important.
My problem is this: last semester, while working on a project together, a class mate told me he liked me and wanted to go out with me, and I turned him down because I wasn’t interested. We finished the project, he was professional, and I pulled back from hanging out at school because I didn’t want him to feel awkward.
Then the semester was over, we didn’t really talk, and when a new semester started, we hang out a bit more at school (sitting in class together, chatting at breaks), because I liked him as a friend and would have liked to work on more projects together. Two weeks ago we made some vague plans to go see a movie, he saw it without me so I offered to go to a different movie. We ate something and saw the movie (each of us paid for ourselves), and apparently he thought it was a date. Thing is, I deliberately leaned away from him and put my beg between us to not give the wrong impression. He took my bag and put it on the floor (wtf), then put his hand on my knee. He asked me if it was okay, I said no and he took his hand off. We’re on break from school now, and haven’t talked since.
I’m mad at him, and I don’t know if I’m being cruel or not. On one hand I’m pissed off he just assumed I changed my mind. On the other hand, did he harbored a crush on me for months and I was careless with his feelings? Did I sent the wrong signals, or did he ignored the signals I sent? Should I assume he is not interested in being friends?
Truth is, I’m a very traditionally attractive woman and I usually gets more romantic\sexual attention than I would like. I work with other women on projects, but only working with ladies will really limit my options.
The whole not-date throw me into a spiral of insecurities (I’m not really talented, nobody really likes me, guys lie to me and only put up with me because I’m pretty etc) and I’m feeling really shitty right now, and I can’t focus on my school work. What can I do to make things better, and to prevent situations like this in the future?
I went to university to be a screenwriter and, as i’m sure you know, it’s not exactly an easy industry to break into (especially if you’re female – ‘old boys club’ indeed). A couple of years ago (late 2013-ish) I went to a casual networking event with a couple of classmates and met a television writer (let’s call him Dale) who’s at least in his early to mid 40s. I was 20 years old at the time.
Dale and I exchanged email addresses and I sent him a copy of the television pilot I’d written and then we met up for a late lunch/early dinner shortly after so I could get his notes/pick his brain about his career/networking etc.
Fast forward to 2015. We’ve met up maybe once or twice a year at most since then, always to talk about writing stuff. I was planning a trip to LA last year too so I asked him for some tips on networking etc because he spends a lot of time over there. He kept complimenting how I looked and offered (multiple times) to let me stay with him at his place in LA and one point even to fly me out on his own dime to stay with him when I jokingly complained about how expensive my trip was going to be. He’s also invited me to a number of parties with him and his and other middled aged male friends and has texted me subtly suggestive sexual things in the past(it’s always him initiating the conversation).
At the end of December, I asked to meet up with Dale one last time because I needed a professional reference letter for a program I was applying to.
We meet up, Dale stares at me really suggestively the entire time and makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable with some of his comments about my appearance and then when we leave (it’s night time by this point) he refuses to let me walk to the train station by myself and puts his arm around my shoulder and gets really close to me without asking. He did eventually take his arm away and finally left me alone when we reached the train station (not before getting into my space again and kissing me on the cheek).
I stupidly ignored my intuition and also because I figured it was worth putting up with a bit of creepiness if it meant i could get some solid career advice and a reference letter. I stopped replying to his emails and his texts and just the thought of seeing him again gives me intense anxiety. We both live in the same city and I’m terrified I’ll bump into him somewhere.
Dale still keeps contacting me and clearly cannot take a hint even though i have not replied to a single one of his messages since late December. He refused to respect my boundaries or even stop to consider that I, as a female in my early 20s, have no desire to sleep with or date someone his age (especially considering i’m not even interested in dating men period).
How do I get him to leave me alone? Every time I see a new message from him I feel sick to my stomach.
Majorly Creeped Out
Dear Captain Awkward,
I think my partner has a big Geek Social Fallacy problem.
We live together in a small house in an expensive area where lots of people live with parents or roommates. So, ever since before we met, he’s hosted huge blowout theme parties for his entire geeky friendgroup. He always encourages them to bring new people and expand his social circle. Partner enjoys being The Cool Fun Host.
Partner was a late bloomer socially, had terrible ostracizing experiences and some related depression issues, so now he’s trying to make up for lost time. He wants to be as inclusive and welcoming as possible. Which sounds great in theory! He’s big-hearted and just wants everyone to be his friend.
When I first moved in with Partner, I enjoyed these parties — organizing them, coming up with themes. But the more comfortable I became thinking of it as “our house” instead of “partner’s house”, the more protective I’m becoming of my living space. The more I dread the thought of prepping the house for a destructive messy horde of nerds and cleaning up after them and yielding my space for a night. I’m finding I’m enjoying hosting smaller, more controlled gatherings.
On top of this, our good friend recently pointed out a Missing Stair in this friendgroup. Missing Stair has made a few people uncomfortable, and, who knows, may be driving away others. But we just know a couple of anecdotes, and while Partner admits Missing Stair is a jerk, he doesn’t know where he should draw the line. Because inclusivity. And Missing Stair hasn’t done anything egregious and maybe a few people just don’t like him. Partner isn’t comfortable disinviting _anyone_, much less this specific Missing Stair, because he knows how it feels to be uninvited and it’s evil and horrible.
So how wrong and awful does Missing Stair have to be for Partner to disinvite him? And how do we balance how much control over the parties I get to have? Obviously I think Missing Stair should be uninvited right now. But these are still mostly Partner’s parties, even though I help host and I live here too. I hate feeling like I’m trampling all over Partner’s fun and trying control everything now that we live together.
Normally Partner and I are great at communicating, but he has a terrible blind spot here.
My friend told me a creepy story this weekend. A clean cut man with a clip board knocked on her door and asked her questions about one of her neighbors. He asked my friend if she knew the neighbor, and when my friend demurred because something about it felt off – “I just moved here, don’t know anyone that well” – he pulled out a picture of the neighbor from a manila envelope and was like “are you sure?” My friend held fast and eventually he went away.
She asked the neighbor (who she does know) about it later, and the guy is a stalker. Fun!
So, safety reminder time:
- Just because someone knocks on your door it doesn’t mean you have to open it or engage with whoever it is. If you’re not expecting anyone, and they sort of catch you out as being home, “It isn’t a good time!” + ignore.
- People who have some legitimate reason to be there will show you an ID, and (esp. for utility company) if you say “Mind if I verify that?” will be okay with you looking at their ID, writing down numbers, and hang out without protest while you call the company. Someone who gets squirrely about this is bad news.
- Stalkers like to glean information anyway they can. Don’t give out information about your neighbors and/or coworkers to strangers. We are socialized to tell the truth and to be nice, and that’s hard training to overcome especially when someone catches you off guard, but “I don’t know” and “Why don’t you leave your information” are good stock phrases.
- If you live in a multi-family housing situation, be a mensch about security. Lock doors and gates. Don’t randomly buzz people in. Walk downstairs and greet the pizza delivery person, don’t prop the gate or door open or let strangers into the building.
- Creeps will often manufacture very good reasons they need to get into the building. “Your downstairs neighbor knows me, I’m early, can you let me in to wait for her?” or “I’m friends with your neighbor, and she said she was leaving a key out, but I can’t find it, and my cell phone battery is dead, can you help me find it” = NOPE. You don’t have to let anyone in. “Sorry dude, there’s a diner down the street where you can wait. What did you say your name was?“
A woman who used to be plagued by a dude who would drive to her house in order to look into her windows and jack off (true story!)
I just found your blog an hour ago, and haven’t really found anything fitting my situation.
I have a creepy friend I already turned down in no uncertain terms when asked on a date. I don’t see him often, only every few weeks at work. But he touches me – every time, the whole time. Too-long hugs, rubbing my back, touching my arm, sitting next to me instead of across from me in the cafeteria, and the most uncomfortable of all – saying I love you every time I say something slightly witty or funny. When I used to go after work for food with him and others, he would always pay for my meal. First time I literally did not have enough money for a meal. Every time after he would sneak talk to waiters, or steal the bill from my hand. When I told him I did not like him paying for my food, movie ticket etc, that it made me feel very uncomfortable, he waved it off, saying he was raised this way (What?).
Yesterday he crossed some line in my head. I said goodbye, I need to clock in, and you should go home since you’re off. He followed me outside to the clock in area and just kept hanging out there even though I was technically working. I realized then, he isn’t going to get a clue, and I do not want him to follow me around, touch me, or pay for my food. Ever.
Unlike similar situations I saw you answer, I’m not making excuses for him, I don’t care to keep his friendship if he doesn’t stop acting like this, and while I do think he is just terrible at reading clues I also know he does not touch other girls – or guys – as often or … creepily … as he does to me. He seems very nice, we’ve worked for the same company over two years, but I wouldn’t say I know him well enough to keep making excuses. I Do Not like his touch, and WILL tell him to stop.
I need advise on HOW to tell him to stop. He didn’t catch the subtle clues of shifting away from him, never initiating any contact, and tensing up whenever touched. I don’t care one way or another about losing this “friendship” but I do care about how this future conversation will get around to the rest of my co-workers, and how THAT will interfere with doing my job and the social situation there.
I am sick of worrying that he will be working the same shift as me, and need help on how to say something without being my normal blunt-edging-into-mean-self.
Desperate for advice,
Stop Touching Me
The “Am I the Next Bill Cosby?” subject line was the Letter Writer’s own word choice, if that helps you decide whether to keep reading.
Also, comments are closed as of 3/15.