The Expectation: Easy, seamless, romantic, mint and jasmine scented sex with Jon Hamm.
I am in an awkward sexy-times situation (the best kind of awkward! …Or is it?), and am in need of a script and Jedi hugs. Halp?
I grew up in a horribly repressive, fundamentalist Christian household; the entirety of my sexual education came from the church, and can be summed up into:
1. All men want is sex.
2. A woman’s most precious gift to her future husband is never having any sexual experience whatsoever prior to marriage.
3. Women are responsible for protecting their purity from all those sex-crazy men, and if they don’t they are BROKEN FOREVER.
4. Women don’t want sex, ever, actually (and if they do they are SINFUL FOREVER).
(Yeah, helpful things like consent, healthy relationship dynamics, birth control, anatomy and the actual mechanics of how things work Down There? Not even mentioned. Anyway.)
So, all that (plus some childhood abuse thrown in just to make things more fun) resulted in my being pretty fucked up in the whole sexuality arena. I’m 23 now, have done a ton of work on this, and am seeing a wonderful therapist, but… I’ve got a long way to go. I often feel like I’m a teenager for the first time, just discovering that my body can be awesome and that all dudes are not out to get me and that I don’t have to beg God for forgiveness after kissing my long-term boyfriend. It’s awkward and messy and scary! And occasionally great! But also REALLY SCARY, because everyone else around me went through all this shit when they were, y’know, actual teenagers (and most of them without the whole church+abuse factors). Thus, my current dilemma.
I recently started seeing this beautiful, attractive, awesome man and things have been going fairly well. We haven’t had sex yet (and I haven’t ever, actually, but am thinking that this might be a good first experience), but we’ve fooled around and cuddled and all of that lovely stuff. The problem is, I have no idea how to reciprocate the sexy things he does for me, and I’m scared to try to initiate things when a) I don’t know what I’m doing and feel really dumb, b) he’s WAY more experienced than me, and c) I’m still fighting all that ridiculous sexual programming from my growing-up years. We had a short chat about it last night, after he brought up the “Why don’t you do things for me?” conversation, but I’m kind of at a loss as to how to just… start.
So, in summary. I’m working through some issues, but want to make my manfriend happy, but don’t know how to do the things he likes or how to ask him what I should be doing or get past the feeling that I am sexually stunted beyond recovery. I’ve used my words and told him some of what I’ve written here (and we will be having further conversations on the matter), but what do I do/say in the heat of the moment when I am feeling dumb and not knowing what to do?
Jesus Is Not My Boyfriend