I’d like to offer T-shirts, greeting cards, mugs, cross-stitch patterns, and other swag for sale through the site. My graphic designer friend going to get to work soon, so we need to know:

What is worthy of being worn on your chest or hung on your wall?

We have some ideas, but would love to know what most excites you. Leave your suggestions in the comments below, or email them to me if you like. Put “SWAG IDEA” in the subject of the email to make it easily sortable for me, ok?


  1. thneedle said:

    Swag idea: (not content but surface):

    Small cloth bags for putting yarny projects in. Knitters/crocheters like me will be all over it. Not tote bags but drawstring ones. If you’re not sure what I mean let me know.

  2. lisa said:

    Use your words

    Awkwardeers, assemble!

    Don’t make me have to African Violet you…..

    I am Jedi hugging you right now

    (last one, only if there aren’t copyright issues.)

    • entendante said:

      Maybe instead of “I am Jedi hugging you,” use “I am hugging you with my mind!!” in a Star Wars-ish font, bathed in a lightsaber-green glow.

      • thneedle said:

        This is extra good, since that was the original phrasing that someone’s 6-yr-old used. (If I remember correctly.)

        • AB said:

          That sounds awfully cute. Is there a link to the original post?

      • hilliary said:

        Zen hugs-the hugs I would give you if you were here and if I could hug you, but you aren’t and I can’t
        I think this is from “The Ship Who Searched” by Anne McCaffrey and Mercedes Lackey.

        • Bobbin Ufgood said:

          It IS! that is one of my all-time favorite books

  3. Tshirt ideas:
    “I survived a House of Velociraptors” because dinos on shirts look cool and I think a lot of us can claim that survival status.

    “I Tamed the Rageasaurus.”

    Bonus: Could be prizes for future contests and/or things we buy ourselves to reward coming through a difficult time.

    Obviously a superhero-logo style Captain Awkward shirt! Ditto any other Cafe Press-flavored offerings.

    An African violet on a shirt that you can give someone instead of an actual potted plant

    Ditto greeting cards!

    Also greeting cards with the most salient things like “I am giving you a Jedi Hug right now” and “Your Rageasaurus knows” and “Sandwich = Love” of course “IF YOU DON’T SPEAK UP THEN YOU WILL ONLY GET MORE VELOCIRAPTORS.”

    I would shop the shit out of these shirts.
    Obvs the URL on the upper back by the neck.

    • Simone Lovelace said:

      I’m really feeling “The Sandwich Means I Love You” with a cute cartoon of an actual sandwich.

    • Amy Pond said:

      Obviously a superhero-logo style Captain Awkward shirt!

      Or maybe a tote bag or something?

    • Muse142 said:

      YES. As someone who has survived a House of Evil Bees / Velociraptors, I would LOVE to see “I survived a House of Evil Bees” or “I survived a House of Velociraptors” Tee.

  4. AB said:

    Aww, a greeting card with African violets on the front!! When you have to African violet, do it with a card 🙂

    • caryatid said:

      this is a great idea.

    • Theamander said:

      Inside the card:

      “It’s been real. I wish you all the best.”

      • Epiphyta said:

        A thousand times YES.

  5. Maggie said:

    Bees! I’d cross stitch a bless-this-bee-free-house sampler for sure.

    • M Dubz said:

      I would wear the SHIT out of a shirt that said EVIL BEES (preferably with a picture of an evil bee)

      • H.Regalis said:

        Seconded. For graphics I think a scary/haunted-looking house with mean bees shooting out of it would be cool, and then with a circle around it and a slash through it, maybe with some text that says something like “No evil bees.”

        Also, a pony and the moon since I’m asking for everything 😛

    • entendante said:

      OMG, “Bless this bee-free house!” Yes, all kinds of yes! (I’m already considering the possibilities of converting the cross-stitch pattern to a knitting pattern…)

    • caryatid said:


    • Meredith said:

      +1 million

    • Yes yes yes! I say this to myself aaaalll the time.

    • nevermind said:

      Would buy one of these in a heartbeat!

  6. I should note that I feel strongly about potential dinosaur imagery being as scientifically accurate as possible. (Feathers! Feathers on EVERYTHING! And my money, it is yours.)

    I would be interested in a greeting card or t-shirt in the fabulous “Let’s Make It Awkward” range. Potentially very useful for communication; potentially very couture on me.

    • Suzy said:

      Oh wow! I would so wear this! ALL THE TIME. Or a badge! Badges are cool.

    • Hazel said:

      Yes! Dinosaurs with gaudy, colorful feathers!

    • Rose said:

      Love it!

  7. Quinapalus said:

    Delighted that I’m not the only one who read “and most importantly, greeting cards”, and instantly thought, will African Violet delivery be offered?

  8. VA said:

    “Thank you for being on Team Me” greeting cards would be wonderful!

    • RP said:

      Oh my goodness, YES! Plain old “Thank you” cards aren’t really up to the task when you’re thanking someone for supporting you through a difficult time instead of a toaster.

    • Naamah said:

      Oh, yes. *hugs the Great Idea*

      I honestly would love to be able to give these to my friends, who have had my back like the total badasses they are.

    • GrouchyABD said:

      Agreeing really hard that “Thank You For Being on Team Me” cards would make my life more awesome.

    • mintylime said:


    • MHM said:

      A sweet idea!

    • xenologer said:

      Agreed, 100%.

    • steph said:

      yes. this.

      I would also wear “Use Your Words” as a shirt and use “Thank You For Being on Team Me” as a card.

    • I second Ignore Your Jerkbrain as a shirt, and Thankyou For Being On Team Me as a card.

      Regarding shirts, if they do happen, please can there be options for necklines (and plus sizes but I figure that would be covered already). I simply cannot wear t shirts with high necks, I find them so uncomfortable. Scoop necks or generous V necks are the way to go for me.

      • JenniferP said:

        I want to find a company that sells custom iron-ons, to be honest, because researching shirts (I am a plus size lady who loves V-necks) there is NOT much out there that would make us happy.

        • Iron ons are a great idea. You could take that further and instead of selling cards, sell stamps that say ‘thank you for being on team me’.

          Maybe there is an etsy seller you could team with to make merchandise if you don’t have the resources for it yourself. The stuff would be more expensive, but more ethical, and lower overhead for you in terms of your own time (altho maybe for less revenue). You presumably need or want to make money out of the good stuff that comes out of your brain but you don’t have to be the one actually doing the enterprise, just collecting the royalties!

  9. I’d like a badge (maybe button for Americans) which says “”No” is a complete sentence.” Maybe a set of badges of your most empowering your-happiness-is-just-as-important phrases.
    I want to remind myself of it every day and, more importantly, when I am outside and in a situation when I need to say no and I feel too frightened to do it, or I’m being shouted down.
    No is a complete sentence. I get to choose my own happiness. My needs are important. I’m allowed to change my mind.

    • (I suggest a pin-on badge because I wouldn’t necessarily want to flaunt it, but would like a portable reminder I can pin upon my person to remind me that I am worth standing up for when I feel threatened.)

    • staranise said:

      Hugely seconding “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

    • AutistLiam said:

      Nth-ing ” “No” is a complete sentence”. I would hang that on my wall as a poster or as greeting cards and wear it as a t shirt (possibly while dating or visiting known houses full of evil bees to remind the people I’m with that “No” is something they can say to me).

      “No” is a fairly late addition to my practical vocabulary, being disabled as a child meant I was very explicitly taught to be obedient and do whatever not-disabled adults wanted me to do. Now I often preface requests with “It’s okay to say no if you can’t, could you….?” or follow requests with “I understnad if the answer is no” just to make sure people know that they have options and I am genuinely making requests not demands-with-question-marks.

      • Greg K Nicholson said:


        At work when asking my more-technical colleagues (my role is semi-technical) whether something is feasible or practical, I often say “…and this is a question, not a demand: can we … ?”, or I append “( ­— question-not-a-demand)”.

        In Britain it’s impolite to phrase instructions as instructions; instead they SHOULD (see RFC 2119) be phrased as questions. Even only-jerks-would-refuse–type requests like “pass the salt” have a “…, would you?” or a question-inflected “…please?” appended. Hence genuine questions can sometimes sound like demands.


        “Team Me” badges! — which could be given as gifts or kept for personal use.

        I also feel like we need a riposte to Questionable Content’s “Defeat Awkwardness with Maximum Ridiculosity” T-shirt ( http://ur1.ca/eg8pb ). I once passed someone wearing one of these (without saying hi), and I think an impromptu air-swordfight would have been in the right spirit.

        Also, high fives with all of the other things everyone else has suggested! PANTSFEELINGS pants would be the best kind of pants.

    • Ghost said:

      I like the idea of “a portable reminder of… self-worth” very much! Buttons are not so much my thing, though, so may I request stickers be considered, too? To put on a sketchbook/journal/relevant thing?

      • Erin said:

        Stickers that say “‘No’ is a complete sentence” would make me want to buy a whole bunch and then sticker-bomb – well, everything!

      • To hopefully not derail too much, but my tattoo serves a function of portable (always attached) reminder of self worth.

      • Muse142 said:

        Buttons, stickers, fridge magnets? I would own those fridge magnets so very quickly.

    • xenologer said:

      A button or badge with this would make me super happy. Hell, I’d put a sticker on my car, too. Then everybody behind me in traffic will learn things.

  10. Christine Taylor said:

    Please PLEASE have a T-Shirt or a mug or ANYTHING with a “Beware the house of evil bees” slogan! Its my ABSOLUTE favorite slogan!!

    • Lynn said:

      As someone who is currently trying to leave the house of evil bees, I would LOVE a t-shirt saying “I survived the house of evil bees.”

    • Ann said:


    • I would love a cross-stitch sampler in the theme of “The house of evil bees”. Or even a poster in cross-stitch-sampler effect.

  11. Xenophile said:

    “With great kink comes great responsibility.”
    Seconding Anastasia’s nomination of “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
    “The sandwich means ‘I love you.’ ” Perfect for Valentine’s Day! It can be either romantic or platonic.

    • Muse142 said:


      Better yet if “The sandwich means I love you” could be printed on brown paper lunch bags.

      • Xenophile said:

        OMG yes sandwich bags! And lunch boxes!

      • I second third fourth and fifth “The sandwich means I love you” sandwich boxes. That way awkward tortoises like me who give people food instead of talking about feelings can do both. I would love to give my friends and loved ones the food means I love you boxes full of food.

  12. caryatid said:

    “don’t be the missing stair”

  13. staranise said:

    I’d like “Camp Survive Alive” memorabilia.

    • I was thinking about this in the shower earlier.

      Like, Olde Fashioned summer-camp t-shirts with “Camp Survive Alive” around the edge and a circle in the middle which is a picture of a log cabin surrounded by woods, only with bees pouring out of the windows.

  14. c said:

    This may be too long. But it is my very favorite:

    When you’re dealing with an “overbearing” personality prone to browbeating, manipulation, silent treatment, and/or temper tantrums, absolutely the best thing you can do is convey that you’re perfectly okay if they’re unhappy. Their unhappiness doesn’t scare you. Their negative emotions are their own problem to deal with. You’ll be over here, doing your thing. If you can get through that conversation with her without giving in or negotiating? You will have handled your shit like an EMOTIONAL BADASS.

    And here is an example of knitting bags: http://www.ravelry.com/stores/ravelry-merch-store/products/104448

    • thpbblttt said:

      Even just EMOTIONAL BADASS would be, well, badass.

      • Finn said:

        Seconding the hell out of EMOTIONAL BADASS

      • SilliestofYacks said:

        That’s a T-shirt I’d wear on a day I needed a little extra something to get me through, emotionally speaking.

    • Quinapalus said:

      “Your unhappiness doesn’t scare me.”

    • RP said:

      This needs to be a mug as well: “I’m perfectly OK if you’re unhappy” or even “You’re manipulative, browbeating, and prone to tantrums and I’m perfectly OK if you’re unhappy.”

      • Naamah said:

        “I’m perfectly okay if you’re unhappy” is awesome. I vote for that one, too.

        • emmych said:

          Ehhhhh, see, this is the kind of thing I WOULD dig, only it is a phrase easily manipulated by bigots and manipulative jerks, like the Stephen Fry “who cares if you’re offended” quote.

          • With the full sentence in the quote it works better, I think.

  15. Jessica said:

    There was a request back on this post for a T-shirt saying, “It takes 1+n to tango, where n is an integer larger than 0.”

    • JenniferP said:

      Ha, very nice!

    • Tautological Cat said:

      After reading that post, I made myself a shirt which read “It Takes N To Tango, Where N > 1.” I plan on wearing it the next time I visit Northampton.

    • I have, shall we say, more than one person I would buy that for!

  16. notemily said:

    How about some underpants with “PANTSFEELINGS” on them? Heh. Just throwing ideas out there.

    • thpbblttt said:

      i love this one!

    • JenniferP said:


      I once sent my boyfriend a text that just said FEELINGS. 🙂

    • Canomia said:

      I’d buy them. But they better be comfortable. I want to be alowed to be comfortable with my pantsfeelings.

      • Happily, PANTSFEELINGS wouldn’t fit on a thong, anyway.

      • I just slowclapped to my kitchen about needing comfortable PANTSFEELINGS. Thank you for the laugh. Obvs I would buy them!

      • Proffie Galore said:

        This is another place the iron-on option works well so people can provide their own feelingspants. Did some iron-on “Burning Moms” panties some time ago using a glow-in-the-dark transfer printed on my inkjet printer. Cotton works best.

    • inarticulacy said:

      Thirding this so hard!! I would also buy greeting cards having to do with PANTSFEELINGS

  17. Suzy said:

    I’ve tried to find it and I can’t. There was a thing about having free speech, but that not meaning that you can pee on the carpet at your friend’s party.

    I’m sorry, but it’s a great quote, I just can’t find it….

      • Suzy said:

        YES! That’s it! I sat there giggling for ages after reading that!

      • Amy Pond said:

        That needs to be a badge or a sticker or a magnet or something.

      • I would buy that shirt. Also any shirt or totebag with the Rageosaurus or House of Evil Bees on it.

  18. Josie said:

    The golden retriever of love! I would very much like that on a t-shirt.

    • griffykate said:

      YERS! 😀

  19. harvestkitchena2 said:

    I love all these ideas and would definitely buy these things. I was excited when the Captain mentioned pursuing this…my not-so-secret hope is that if we all buy enough swag she can take the awful ads down. Who’s with me?

    • JenniferP said:

      Please use an Adblocker without guilt if you are a frequent visitor! I use one!

      • I do use one, but somehow this is the only website that the ads slip through. Sadness!

  20. Suzy said:

    “Smeagol has lots of reasons he’d be awesome at your party.”

  21. Naamah said:

    Oh, lord. I’m just gonna flat-out BEG for a ’50’s movie poster inspired House of Evil Bees shirt or poster or tote bag. Anything.

    SEE the House of Evil Bees turn on its residents!

    WITNESS it thwart their escape at every turn!

    FEAR its attempts to draw them back in!


    There should be a person in the foreground with their hands to their face, looking horrified as a stream of evil bees comes from the bleeding windows of an Amityville-style house. The bees are carrying flowers, but have massive stingers. And possibly have heads that are basically steel-jawed animal traps.

    Or something like that, but more clever.

    I am STILL in love with Marie for that comment, and we will probably never meet.

    So many great ideas above! I also second the African violet card. “Emotional Badass” is great! “Pantsfeelings!” pants! “Thank you for being on Team Me” cards would be lovely! And “With great kink comes great responsibility.” Totally.

    • Badger said:

      Absolutely the “Thank you for being o Team Me” cards. I can think of several people that I would send those to.

      “The House of Evil Bees” needs to be both wall art as the ’50s style movie poster, and a tee shirt with different art. You can’t get the detail, really, on a tee-shirt.

      I’m surpised that this wasn’t up already, but a gas lamppost with a big circle and bar through it, like the no smoking signs? No gaslighting. Someone please take that and make it cooler.
      I love the “sandwich = love” pin idea.

      Several of these, actually, should be wall art. Including the gaslighting thing. “GASLIGHTING FREE ZONE” or something.

      Jedi-hugs to all of you!

      • Badger said:

        One more thing. A laminated card for us Awkwardeers to carry in our wallets to remind us of the following things.

        “I am a member of the Awkward Army. I use my words. No is always an option, and always means no. If that is a problem for you, that is your problem, not mine. I have the power of the African Violet. I fear no gaslights, nor evil bees, for lo, the Army is with me, with sandwiches and Jedi-hugs and Party Smeagol.”

        Something to that effect, anyway.

        • Myrin said:

          That. Is. FANTASTIC!

          • Badger said:

            Thank you. This community means a lot to me. I may not post a bunch, but knowing I’m not alone is priceless. & the little card thing or a fridge magnet or something with that sort of manifesto might help somebody else remember it when life takes a turn towards Suckville.

        • Amy Pond said:

          That’s awesome.

        • datdamwuf said:

          Yes to the awkward army card! well done Badger, I so feel better here many times when needed

        • thneedle said:

          I love the beginning of this.

          At “I have the power of the African Violet” it starts sounding too much like ?? a psalm I think? (Not Xian.) That turns me off. But the part before that? Genius!

          • Badger said:

            Not Xian either. Once again, we are shown that tongue in cheek does not translate well on the internets. I apologize. Change it up any way you like, the formatting doesn’t matter, the message does. Cheers!

          • uuuuuuuuuuuh said:

            “It’s Psalm 121, although Psalm 23 is also similar. Although A) the Psalms are not Christian literature(I’m sure there’s a decent amount of stuff out there on the Ugartic pagan influences on the Psalms actually and B) being throughly absorbed into Western culture and all that jazz.

        • Xenophile said:

          Ooh, what about badges shaped like epaulettes and medals and stuff? Like a merit badge shaped like a medal that says, “Terrifyingly Awesome” and then you could sew it to your jacket/shirt/bag/garment of choice.

        • Chris J. said:

          I realize this is more than a month later, but not only is this cool, but a similar card with the Captain Awkward Rules for Dating would be good. Yes?

      • mintylime said:

        I sign on to alllll this.

    • wonderbink said:

      YES! I was also thinking that a House of Evil Bees movie poster would be fantastic. Or maybe a 50s-style horror comic cover on the front of a T-shirt, with a page on the back so you could do the original bit panel by panel (“WAIT I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY” etc.)

      • JenniferP said:

        Oh man, the movie poster idea is great. GREAT. So great. Yes, this will be a thing.

        • Jesse the K said:

          If this suggestion is a go, this site would be very useful:
          you feed it text, pick fonts & backgrounds and it creates a 50s pulp movie poster image. You can get different sizes — actual posters, tees. There’s a “will be resold as swag” rate, and I think it’s worth every penny.

        • Can we have an art contest or something on this site? Please? I’m drawing all these things tonight and I want to see other people’s versions so bad.

          • JenniferP said:

            I will think about how to go about that for sure!

          • Virginia G said:

            An art contest would be so awesome! You’ve got amazing fans, and I bet they do amazing art!

    • mjau said:

      Slight side note, but wouldn’t it be terrifyingly amazing if we also made that film? The poster idea is super inspiring and the original text is just brilliant. I can totally see it as an animated short.

      I don’t have any additional ideas at the moment, but I just love seeing all of this CA candy in condensed form here in these comments.

      • Quisty said:

        This reply is the latest but that would be awesome! Kickstarter!

        • mjau said:

          Yay! Maybe I should make it then 🙂 Any other animators out there who’d like to join?

  22. Karyn said:

    I’m not doing this AT you.

    • Glorificus said:

      Oh! Yes! I cannot tell you how helpful “I am not living my life AT you” has been for me.

  23. if you are strong enough to stay, you are strong enough to leave.

    • Jesse the K said:

      * weeps *
      that conveys so much so quickly — would be particularly good on a sticker or button/badge

    • xenologer said:


  24. Can we get an “I drive it like I stole it” T-shirt? That was one of my favourite statements anybody has ever made about their self-image, ever.

    • or a sticker? There’s a spot on my wheelchair that is just crying out for that

    • MV said:

      Yes to this!!

  25. JA said:

    [<3] on a mug.

    (coined by fizz as an abbreviation for sandwich-that-means-love)

    • JenniferP said:

      Already on my list. 🙂

    • Bunny said:

      “The cuppa means I love you”?

    • EitherAda said:

      Seconded, after reading that post and bawling my eyes out in my office cube. And also T shirt. And also I am totally knitting this into a scarf.

  26. This was just commented in the “Pollyanna Defense” thread, but I think it’s up there with the best of ’em:

    “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig will like it.”

    Also, Captain: I know you already have a graphic designer friend on board… but if you guys would like help with the project, I am also a graphic designer-type person and I would be thrilled to lend a hand. Or mouse, as the case may be.

    If you want. 🙂

  27. I adore the Rageasaurus. I would love some Rageasaurus posters, maybe a pair, one that is upset and trying to get your attention, and another curled up and happy. Unfortunately, I lack artistic talent, so I can’t volunteer to help.

  28. Simone Lovelace said:

    I really really really really love the quote from some long-ago post about how feeding your friends homemade soup is a way of saying “here, have some time and love.” How about a cross-stitch/needlepoint pattern of a steaming pot/bowl of soup, maybe surrounded by artful veggies/spices, with the phrase “Have some time and love” underneath?

    • Bunny said:

      Ooh ooh can it be all 70s style like these mugs from my childhood that I adore and miss?

      • NessieMonster said:

        Awww, I love those mugs. Mum has several at home and when I found two in a charity shop it made me so happy!

        • Bunny said:

          I know, right? They were a huge part of my childhood – great gran had something like 6-8 different types of them, and I sadly have no idea what happened to them when she passed.

  29. Ohhhh if we have jedi-hug themed swag I will be buying several of whatever it is, for my best friend, her brother, and her brother’s little son who brought me that phrase at a sad time.

    In addition to that, I will also definitely buy greeting cards. If it were possible to have a mixed pack with various expressions of love and friendship (terrifyingly awesome, the sandwich means I love you, etc.), I’d be beside myself.

  30. biobitch said:

    Pet your Ragesaurus.

    • I really, really need a Ragesaurus!! On a button or coffee mug, preferably. I quite enjoy buttons…

      Also PANTSFEELINGS. Buttons again, and funny cards.

    • ReanaZ said:

      I know I am late to the party, but I think the Ragesaurus needs to be a stuffed animal.

      • liyyspoon said:

        OMG a stuffy! YES!

      • Quisty said:

        YES! Awesome!

  31. Amy Pond said:

    ‘The Hulk is my spirit animal’ – I loved that (although I think ‘spirit animal’ was replaced with something else, can’t remember what)

    • Simone Lovelace said:

      Patronus 🙂

    • Xenophile said:

      Ooh, what about hulkus on tshirts?

      • JenniferP said:


      • Amy Pond said:

        Omigosh yes, some of those were great!

  32. MHM said:

    My all-time fave CA terms are “firthing”, the “ill-fitting pants”, “FEELINGSMAIL” and “jedi hugs.” Greeting cards or mugs would be my preferred products. I bet others could figure out better lines than I can, but some ideas: “I don’t settle for ill-fitting pants” (or maybe “Congrats on not settling for ill-fitting pants”), “Your firthing is disrupting my tea-drinking”, “Stay strong, be awesome, and may your FEELINGSMAIL remain unsent”, “Please don’t touch me (jedi hugs are welcomed)”.

  33. Madb said:

    One commentator at some point said something along the lines of “Awkward introverts unite, but only if we feel like it! It’s okay to need our space!” I would buy the hell out of anything that had that on it, especially a bag or t-shirt. It’s pretty much become my motto.

    • Xenophile said:

      I think someone once said, “I am introvert. Hear me not roar!” I would buy ANYTHING with that written on it.

    • notemily said:


      • Madb said:

        Yes! That was it!

      • Amy Pond said:

        Ha, that’s awesome.

  34. adorkable said:

    Building on the various sandwich comments, I’m picturing a cartoon of a sandwich with a speech bubble. Obviously, saying ‘I love you.’ Or maybe just a heart?

    • JenniferP said:

      I really like this idea!

  35. Ms. Kittenwhiskers said:

    I love all of these ideas!
    It might be a bit long to fit on anything except maybe a poster, but I would love love love some sort of thing with the last lines of the answer to Question #122 on it.

    “In the future, there is a small, quiet room that is just yours, where you are safe and you are free. In that room your shoulders will finally start to come down from around your ears. Nobody can come into that room unless you let them. In that clean quiet place, you will work and you will study. You will love and you will heal. I know this is true because I am there with you. We are there together because you saved us. You saved us because you were brave and because you never stopped believing in that room.

    See you there,

    Your Future Self”

    It always makes me want to cry, but in a good way. I would put it somewhere I could see it, and I would feel safe and loved by you wonderful strangers on the interwebs, and by my Future Self. I would put it in my small, quiet room. Even just the first five lines of it would be enough (up to “You will love and you will heal.“).

    (Posting under my #440 pseudonym because, well. It’s kind of relevant, isn’t it?)

    • Suzy said:

      That one is gorgeous, I remember it well. There may be too much text for a mug or badge though. Maybe a mouse mat? I’d love that, and get a warm glow every single time I sat at my computer. ^_^

    • This on a little poster or something, yes.

      (Capt. A, I’m going to do ALL my shopping at you!)

    • KindToMonsters said:

      I am a therapist and I really, really, want something with this quote on it to put in my office.

    • datdamwuf said:

      weird maybe but, even tho I’m out I haven’t found that place completely. So put this on the front of a t-shirt, upside down so the wearer can read it – on the back put “I survived the house of Evil Bees”.

  36. catyshark said:

    “Beware the Darth Vader Boyfriend”

    Seriously. I’ve been grappling (still!) for a year and a half. I will wear that t-shirt in front of the ExDVBs nose and look him right in the eyes as I say: ” ‘No’ is a complete sentence”.

    • Badger said:

      *jedi-hugs* to Catyshark.

  37. Jill said:

    I would love to see illustrations of ill-fitting pants! And anything with Firthing (which is now part of my standard lexicon, thank you). I also really like the simple phrases “Wow.” and “Thanks?” with appropriate punctuation – maybe a set of business cards to hand out when I get too worked up to respond verbally.

    • suzymiscue said:

      Holy yes! Business-size cards that say various things. I’d buy a variety pack that would ideally say things like the aforementioned “Wow.” and “Thanks?”, plus PANTSFEELINGS, FEELINGSBOMB, Awkward Army, “Use your words”, etc… This is a genius idea, Jill! You could give them to friends, to make them laugh. You could give them to people who are freaking you out. Endless uses.

    • Xenophile said:

      Yes yes yes! Cards for social occasions where someone says something super offensive but I’m not able/willing to verbalize it at that second. Some variations of “I respect you and your opinions, but what you just said was very hurtful. I am going to walk away now. Goodbye.”

    • hummingbear said:

      It would be extra great if the business cards had a (short) URL, too, directing the recipient to the appropriate CA post(s). Then they would have the chance to be educational – even transformative!

    • YES! With the Firthing.
      Stop FIRTHING me – on a T-shirt with a picture of Firth/Darcy with a filthy look.

      Also something with the “A giant side-eye” thing.

  38. Jill said:

    I know there are a lot of knitters in the Awkward Army. If you’re interested, I would like to volunteer my services to convert any of the simpler visual/typographic designs into a knitting pattern – perhaps for a hat or scarf – that could be sold as a PDF download. A Rageasaurus scarf? A pompom hat that just reads AWKWARD? Most folks will pay $4-$8 for a single pattern, or up to $12 or $15 for a collection of patterns.

    • Katie said:

      Oh, I so wish I could knit so I could make myself a pompom hat that reads AWKWARD!

    • Badger said:

      A bee with a Snidely Whiplash mustache and a huge stinger for the Evil Bees. That would be epic on a hat.

  39. Ann said:

    Things on stickers make me happy, because I am a goddamned adult.

  40. I love things that just have a salient image too, with no text. I would love anything (shirt, bag, mug, trivet) that just had an African Violet on it. And/or the sandwich with a heart.

  41. Badsack said:

    “Feelings aren’t Facts”

    It may be a profound revelation to many.

  42. Suzy said:

    “I’m not being happy AT you.” On a t-shirt. That would also be a profound revelation to many, those who take other peoples’ good news as a personal attack.

  43. What about t-shirts simply saying Team Me and Team You? I would wear a Team Me t-shirt when I wanted to remind myself to do some self-caring and I would wear a Team You t-shirt when I was doing something like making sandwiches and cleaning the house for a sick friend.

    • Xenophile said:

      I’d totally go out for Halloween with a friend wearing those t-shirts.

    • ona555 said:

      Reversible. Reversible Team Me/You shirt!

  44. A while back, someone said something to the effect of “Sometimes, Feelings!Coffee only leads to Feelings!Pee” and someone else threatened/promised to make a cross-stitch pattern of it. (I tried to find the original, but no combination of the search terms “coffee” “pee” and “cross-stitch” brought up the relevant post. Sadness.)

    Anyway, that. Obviously, there is a market of at least one person for the cross-stitch pattern, but it would, I think, also make a fabulous mug.

  45. There’s a website called Zazzle which lets you produce things like custom mugs and t-shirts by uploading a design and then applying it to various products (buttons, mugs, gift boxes, t-shirts etc) and selling them. In theory it would be great for this, because you could take a single design and put it on t-shirts, stickers, mugs, and all the other various things people have been asking for relatively quickly.

    That said, I haven’t ever actually bought anything from Zazzle, so I don’t know how good it is in practice. Does anyone else know?

    • I’ve got a shop on Zazzle. Kind of pricey, as all the print-on-demand places are — CA might be able to do lower prices by looking elsewhere. But great for flexibility and letting people get whatever weird kind of shirt they want with a given logo. And decent quality.

  46. JessC said:

    I’m normally a bit of a lurker, but I LOVE the idea of Awkward swag and would buy SO many of these things–especially anything with “EVIL BEES,” “The sandwich means I love you,” “Darth Vader boyfriend,” or “PANTSFEELINGS!”

    One I image I really enjoyed but haven’t seen in this thread yet is The Couch of Plausible Deniability from the open thread on crushes.

    I would love to see this on a t-shirt with an image of a couch and a handful of people not-so-sneakily–well…getting handfuls of people.

  47. therufs said:

    I hear that ‘“The opposite sex – just humans!” should be on a t-shirt somewhere’ …

  48. Could we get gift tags that say “This ________ means “I love you””?

    • Lesley said:

      Man, why are you guys so brilliant?! Cards would be fantastic!

  49. Frequent reader, fairly infrequent commenter.

    Is there a way to get a stuffed animal version of the Rageasaurus? Something to hug when the anger gets past the breaking point and turns inward because you’ve been too socialised to do anything else with it but attack yourself and cry?

    • JessC said:

      YES! This is the best idea EVER.

      • Lesley said:
    • I would be so down with this, but even amazing custom plush companies like Gann Memorials need cash upfront. From posts I’ve seen from artists/bloggers who used Gann, I believe it would cost ~ $5000 to do a run of 500 custom plushies. They could then be sold on for a decent profit, but the money would have to be raised first.

      Captain, there seems to be reasonable interest in the Rageasaurus, and I would be so happy for it to make money for you. Let me know if I need to sign a thing, or draw a thing, or something.

      • Quisty said:

        Wouldn’t this be great for a kickstarter project? If the money is raised – ALL THE AWESOME. If not – Sad feelings (but we will DEAL THE SHIT OUT OF THEM) but no financial repercussions.

  50. Lesley said:

    In light of the last few columns, I would love a shirt that says “Survivor of a Scapegoat Family” or just “Scapegoat.” But in general, I would adore a Cpt Awkward logo and “use your words” tag, in a nice cut-for-women t.

  51. amandaw said:

    “Only YOU are responsible for your feelings.”

  52. Virtulla said:

    I want to vote for popesuburban’s “I’d rather be some horrible adult bitch than a really cool doormat.” on a t-shirt, even though it is gender-specific.

    • [picture of actual bitch-dog] > [picture of doormat.]

      African Violet and PANTSFEELINGS and “Thanks for being on team me” cards. yes yes please.

  53. therufs said:

    I’d totally wear a shirt with a can of/ad for PANTSFEELS B GONE portrayed thereon.

  54. Queen of scarves said:

    Can we get “Done is better than perfect” on a mug/sticker/mousepad/cross-stitch pattern? Because I need to plaster my whole work area with this message… (h/t Jiggs in the #510 thread)

    Also, maybe a “recovering perfectionist” t-shirt or sticker (maybe a tote bag?)? I would totally wear that.

  55. It didn’t originate here (though perhaps in sentiment) but in answer to the internet’s “Tits or GTFO” I’d love a t-shirt along the lines of “Respect my boundaries or GTFO”.

  56. freak.perfume said:

    Wow. I love all of this (long-time lurker and avid reader de-lurking for the first time).

    Speaking of clothes and other fabric-based merchandise, I think it would be good to use fair-trade clothing as a base, if possible. Just an afterthought.

    • JenniferP said:

      I would very much like to do this if I can find something that is available in a variety of sizes, which the fair trade vendors I have researched do not do well. Like, at all. If you can suggest a resource I’d be very open to it.

  57. I just want PANTSFEELINGS underwear. I will buy a pair for every day of the week

    • JenniferP said:

      Ahhhh, such a good idea!

      I’m having a hard time finding a company that has the right mix of size ranges + ethical manufacturing. Next step is working on finding an Iron-on company so people can put whatever we make on any item.

  58. Just reading through a few posts that I missed, and I think “the goal is coffee, not FEELINGSCOFFEE” (from #528) would make a good coffee mug and/or t-shirt.

  59. I can’t believe “take your faults and walk into Camazotz” is not already a t-shirt. I need that t-shirt yesterday.

  60. Angela said:

    OMG can we pleeeeeease have one with the CA logo & in big block letters, “LET IT BE AWKWARD”? I would wear the ever loving fuck out of that. 🙂

  61. I haven’t read the 200+ other comments so i apologise if i have repeated anything that has already been suggested but i would REALLY like to see Darth Vader Boyfriend slogan merchandise. Like “My ex is Darth Vader” or “Darth Vader Boyfriend Survivor” etc. Please!

  62. Vicki said:

    How about refrigerator magnets for some of the ones that we can use reminders of, like “No is a complete sentence” and “I survived a house of evil bees”?

    • Meraki said:

      “You do not have to be with someone who makes you unhappy. You do not, in fact, have to be with anyone at all.” would be another good refrigerator magnet.

  63. Cait said:

    Pleeeease work in “Darth Vader Boyfriend.” Somehow? Double seconding all the Darth Vader comments already made!

  64. Glorificus said:

    Seriously, there are so many Captain Awkward things/ideas/sayings/visuals that must go out into the world! While I don’t make enough to support this endeavor singlehandedly, I would support it as best I could. I’ve got to wear shirts, they may as well be awesome. Speaking of Awesome, I betcha those Nerdfighter guys might have some ideas about merch. (Hoping to buy one of their rainbow internet killed television hoodies, next paycheck maybe)

  65. Naphtali said:

    “Behold, the field in which I grow my fucks – lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!”
    Definitely needs to be on a shirt, and a poster, and a fridge magnet, and y’know, ALL OF THE THINGS.

    • RubyMendez said:

      Yes! Yes!

  66. orchestrali said:

    Just occurred to me that a mug that said “TEA OF GETTING SHIT DONE” would be awesome. Or coffee, I suppose. And like, ice cream bowls that say “ICE CREAM OF GETTING SHIT DONE.” After Elodie’s latest post I would love to use something like that.

  67. Rae said:

    I have read all of the comments and I love all you people.

    nthing “Ignore Your Jerkbrain” shirts, “Thank You For Being on Team Me” giftables, and “The ____ Means I Love You” tags. I would also buy the shit out of a mug with COFFEEFEELINGS on it, because how can you look at that many F’s and E’s in a row and not laugh. And I love coffee. Then again the last one’s probably just me and I can inkgarden it. Ah well.

    I’d like to add that, while all the Awkward inside jokes are great, my favorites of all the suggestions are the ones that would help others see things in a new light/find this site/be terribly awesome too. Those of us who can give Jedi hugs and run from evil bees are already, y’know…safe.

    “The house wants you to leave. It is full of bees. If it didn’t want you to leave, it wouldn’t be full of bees. It would be full of you.”

    • Rae said:

      Oops, -terrifyingly- awesome.

  68. Bookwyrm said:

    Swag Idea: I recall reading something about a Cafepress store? Basically, if you offer coffee mugs, make sure to offer the extra large sized coffee mugs. Standard 11 oz size doesn’t cut it. 15-16 oz is where it’s at.

  69. Thanksforallthefish said:

    I too would like to second “This sandwich means I love you” and “Tea of getting shit done” and “No is a complete sentence” which would be very helpful for me to internalize. I like the idea of dictionary phonetics style “STFU (FU:silent)” although I’m not entirely sure how it should be presented.

  70. Elysia said:

    Adding to the jerkbrain-themed stuff: either a t-shirt with a “voodoo doll” of a jerkbrain, or an actual stuffed Jerkbrain doll that comes with pins. (Having one of those “shut up, jerkbrain” days.)

    • Angel said:

      Aw dude I am so making a knitted brain and keeping it with a box of pins in a container labeled “In case of Jerkbrain attack” or something like that.

      This is so all kinds of happening.

      I may have to make some for friends too.

  71. just_like_the_blues said:

    “Unfriend someone you dislike today!”

    A much-needed shirt.

  72. I have been spreading the term ‘bitch eating crackers’ amongst my friends and colleagues because it so succinctly (and discreetly) explains exactly how you feel in that situation, so I would LOVE to see some merch with that. Not that it’d prob ship to nu-zelund, but it would make me happy that it exists 🙂

  73. Virginia G said:

    I want to buy all the things! I hope you find someone to help you make swag, because I’d like to give you money for it! (And yes, I already donated, but I want swag!)

  74. Carpe Librarium said:

    Captain Awkward is my patronus.

  75. AutumnFire said:

    Oh yes, please!!!!

  76. I'mNewHere said:

    Mybe you can negoationate something with: continentalclothing.com (EarthPositive) or organic-fair-shirt.com

    I realy like:

    0) https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/04/426-a-mean-e-blast-from-the-past/

    “Freedom of speech” means you can’t be locked up by the government for expressing an opinion. It doesn’t mean you can’t be kicked out of a party where you’re peeing on the carpet.

    1) “No is a complete sentence”
    2) “With great kink comes great responsibility.”
    “In the future, there is a small, quiet room that is just yours, where you are safe and you are free. In that room your shoulders will finally start to come down from around your ears. Nobody can come into that room unless you let them. In that clean quiet place, you will work and you will study. You will love and you will heal. I know this is true because I am there with you. We are there together because you saved us. You saved us because you were brave and because you never stopped believing in that room.

    See you there,

    Your Future Self”

    >>so touching <<

    4) recovering perfectionist
    5) “Done is better than perfect"
    6) “Respect my boundaries or GTFO”
    7) Captain Awkward is my patronus.

  77. RSVP said:

    Decades ago I was a track cyclist, though not a particularly good one. One night in a weeknight league race, a higher level woman shot off the front of the pack and I (along with many other women in the pack) was too intimidated to chase after. I was mad at myself afterwards – even though I wasn’t fast enough to actually catch her, I should have at least tried. Who knows, I might have ended up in second place, or at least higher up in the results than I was.
    Not long afterwards when I got a bronze at provincial championships in an event, mainly because hardly anyone showed up due to the weather being crappy for two weeks beforehand.
    So, I came up with my Three Rules of Track Cycling:
    – Underestimate no-one
    – Overestimate no-one
    – Chase down everything that moves
    That last one especially – even if an effort results in failure, making the effort pushes the envelope on what I was previously able to do.

  78. RSVP said:

    Whoops, should have added a fourth one:
    – You can’t win a prize if you never show up in the first place.

  79. dirtythirty said:

    When are the shirts coming?

    • JenniferP said:

      when I have time (I don’t know when that will be)

  80. Ria Hawk said:

    If you’re still taking swag ideas, I’d love to see a shirt or a coffee mug or something with “Welcome to the Fuckits”

  81. Xandra Mirum said:

    This one might seem odd, but I just found it in an old letter and it so resonates with me:

    ” Remind yourself of what’s true”

    This would be glorious on swag in my opinion. It’s a thing I frequently have to do, and I suspect anyone who’s had toxic relationships may need to do too. It helps to be reminded.

  82. elirarey said:

    I want a t shirt that if people ask me about it will be a chance to bring up rape culture and explain what that is to people who don’t know

  83. rubymendez said:

    Swag idea: A tote bag that says “My loves, don’t pour your beautiful selves into other people’s empty spaces. There is nothing there for you.”


  84. rubymendez said:

    Also… am I weird for secretly wanting the Captain to get rich off of merch? I mean, she’s awesome + made a huge difference in my life + I love good things happening to good people + I kind of want her to treat herself TO ALL THE THINGS 🙂

  85. mm said:

    YYYEESSSS. also I think that the captain will become rich and famous and will take over some parts of the world with legions of awkward people cheering. I will be cheering!

    Also she is already famous with me. But more people will find her and glory in awesomeness.

    • mm said:

      Oops, I meant YYYEESSS to CA getting rich not to that being a weird idea. It is a fine idea that I can entertain with ease!

  86. KS said:

    From Nope Octopus on letter #1035:

    “Self, you are tired.

    And all your friends are just as tired as you are.

    All your friends are way too tired to elaborately fake being your friend as a joke or a prank. It is much more reasonable and sensible that they’re actually your friends, who sometimes Have Stuff Going On In Their Lives.”

  87. Teresa said:

    Fair Trade resources, eh? Hehehe. That’s been a total obsession of mine recently. So:


    —–“Browse FTF Members”
    ———-“Shop Online”
    —————“Search By Product Specialty”
    ——————–“Custom Printed or Promotional Products (T-Shirts, Bags, etc.)”

    Also, I would be beyond thrilled if you found this helpful. 🙂

  88. Teresa said:

    Just HAVE to second these two suggestions:

    #1 “If you are strong enough to stay, you are strong enough to leave.”


    #2 “In the future, there is a small, quiet room that is just yours, where you are safe and you are free. In that room your shoulders will finally start to come down from around your ears. Nobody can come into that room unless you let them. In that clean quiet place, you will work and you will study. You will love and you will heal. I know this is true because I am there with you. We are there together because you saved us. You saved us because you were brave and because you never stopped believing in that room.

    See you there,

    Your Future Self”

    That place, you guys. It’s real. 🙂

  89. Yes, awesome post. I am fine about stress in my personal life, but work stress can nearly do me in. Probably because it is another set of values (not mine) that I have to adhere to and conform to, and I find that stressful. Music and singing to the old pop songs at my workplace take enormous stress OFF me; I think music is such great therapy.[] Reply:October 12th, 2010 at 8:12 pmI agree Daisy! Sure is![]

  90. “Life is short, be picky!”

    really really needs to be on a t-shirt, and a wall hanging, and a door mat, and a mug, and pretty much everything ❤

  91. the invisible one said:

    Just spotted this today on #1180/1181: “Honesty is for safe people.” To go with “Reasons are for reasonable people.”

  92. Alchemilla said:

    A New Home card with
    “A Small Quiet Room”

  93. Ashley Harper said:

    Feeeeeeeelings would make a great t-shirt, with as many E’s as you deem appropriate.

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