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EDIT: 14th not 15th as a kind commenter pointed out!

 

Royal Festival Hall, Southbank Centre, SE1 8XX near Waterloo station, 14th January, 11am onwards.

The theme is New Year’s Revolution! This is the time of year when we’re deluged in body shaming etc, so let’s counter that. Please bring a (positive, supportive) resolution to donate to the group, and then people can take away any they find helpful. Or just come and chat with us.

The venue sell food in a cafe (standard sandwiches etc.), but they also don’t mind people bringing food in from outside. There are several other local places where you can buy stuff as well. The excellent food market outside has loads of different food options, which can fit most food requirements, or you can also bring a packed lunch.
Meet on the fourth floor, outside the Blue Bar (go up in the JCB lift, lift 7, which is bright yellow and quite musical). I have tried to check with the centre to make sure the Blue Bar is free, but if not I will update this post and in the Facebook group to say where we are – or email me if you’re lost…

Here is the internal map of the Royal Festival Hall: http://www.southbankcentre.co.uk/sites/default/files/documents/RFH_map.pdf

I will have my Cthulhu with me, which looks like this: http://forbiddenplanet.com/3950-cthulhu-baby-plush/  I have shoulder length brown hair and glasses.

The venue is accessible via a lift, and has accessible toilets. Waterloo tube station has step free access on the Jubilee line but not on the Northern line.

The London Awkward group has a Facebook page, which is here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/549571375087294/. There is also a thread in the new forums for saying hello.

My email is Kate DOT Towner AT Gmail DOT com

(February meetup will be the 18th.)

Cheers,
Kate

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Hi Captain –

I have a question about keeping yourself sane while trying to get out of a bad situation.

I’m trying to leave my job. Everyone I work with is too. I’m at a very small startup, and the main person in charge is both incredibly demanding and extremely volatile, which makes it virtually impossible to succeed. For a variety of reasons,* I can’t just quit, but I am actively looking and trying as hard as I can to get out.

The problem is that, for me at least, job searching is stressful too, and I’m much better at it when I’m in a good place mentally. Unfortunately, our head honcho makes this really difficult. It’s not just a matter of ignoring or deflecting manipulative or unkind comments; it’s that they’re in touch constantly, with all of us, making it hard to even get the time or space for reflection. They don’t have a lot of family and have devoted the last few years to making the company work, which means that they constantly want engagement and validation (even if they’re berating us), and they won’t stop trying to engage until we cave and give them the answer they’re looking for.

For example: they’ll ask, on a weekend, if a previously-undiscussed deliverable can be done by Monday. If I say it can’t, they’ll ask why we’re not working on the weekend when everyone else is working “like mad.” They’ll then keep messaging me asking what it is that they haven’t explained properly about the opportunities before me, and what they can do differently so that I understand it, and then ask if I’m receiving the messages. If I don’t answer, I’ll receive a talk on Monday asking what it is that can be done to make sure a situation like that, in which we’re unreachable, doesn’t happen in the future. (This is often followed by “I’m tired of arguing with you and want to make this work, but I don’t know what else I can do.”)

So my options boil down to either a) completely acquiesce to all requests, regardless of their merit or any other factors, or b) have a pointless, hour-long conversation that consists mostly of being reprimanded. I should also note that they also want to hang out socially with all of us a lot, and pout if we won’t, which, as you can imagine, also affects the workplace dynamic.

I will be much, much better off if I can stay in this position until I find another one or am in a better financial position to leave. In the meantime, though, I’m so stressed and busy that it’s hard for me to do anything, including look for other jobs. Do you have suggestions for scripts I can use on *myself* here in order to keep myself going? My therapist says just to remind myself constantly that I won’t be here forever and that I am leaving as soon as I can, but the more frustrated I am, the less likely that seems. And I feel like this is a situation that a lot of people get into – cutting toxic people out of your life is necessary, but it’s so complicated.

Sincerely,

Working on Freedom (she/her)

*You can include these reasons if you want, but I left them out for brevity. I’m including them here to indicate that I really have thought about leaving, and really have decided that the best option for the moment is to stay until I get another job. Those reasons are:

– I have < 1 month of rent in my savings account, and am reluctant to borrow from my parents
– My job history has quite a few short stints, mostly due to coincidence and/or bad luck (yearlong grant programs, getting laid off, leaving a part-time job in order to take this one, and, yes, one where I was a bad fit)
– I’m in a weird specialized field where the work I’m doing is actually hugely beneficial to my ability to get a job in the future

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Dear Captain Awkward,

Context: My sister and I are incredibly close and talk about everything. We grew up in a Charismatic Christian home. We’ve spent a long time trying to work out The Right Thing, first as Christians, now on our own. These days we’re both happier, but it’s still difficult trying to figure out if I feel guilty because the situation warrants it, or if it’s a hangover from religion.

Current day: We live together, we’re both bisexual and poly. My sister is currently seeing a small group of lovely people who’re all involved with each other. I haven’t been in a polyamorous relationship to date, but I also identify as poly.

One of my sister’s partners and I have had some flirty chemistry for a while. Over the holidays that went from light physical affection to an enjoyable makeout session. (My sister knew about us getting handsy and kissing btw).

Now my sister and I are discussing the possibilities of whether I should date him as well, and what could happen as a result. We’ve tried to cover all the bases (it’d be awkward if one of us stopped seeing him, how the group would handle it, who goes to parties with him, etc) and are currently at an impasse.

Neither of us wants to police the other’s behavior. She won’t tell me I can’t date him because she doesn’t feel that’s her right and she wants me to be happy. I don’t want to date him if it’s going to cause any harm or hurt to our relationship or her relationship with any of her partners.

To add more context, this isn’t the first time someone has been interested in both of us, (though we’ve not yet dated the same person). It’s ranged from more emotionally complex (her ex-husband, an ex-boyfriend) to a guy we got to know at different times. We have similar tastes in a lot of things and we get along very well, and people are drawn to that. (We also both have anxiety over everything, be it big or little, lol.)

I desperately don’t want to hurt anyone here, mostly my sister. I know I have a tendency to shut things down before they have a chance to develop, partly out of self-preservation. Realistically I know this won’t be the last person I have chemistry with and it won’t kill me not to date him. At the same time, it’s been a while since I’ve been attracted to someone and enjoyed being around someone this much.

I also don’t want to not take a risk simply because it’s unconventional or complicated.

Any advice is muchly appreciated.

Anxious Sister

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As a Letter Writer to the blog, you are never obligated to update us. Use the advice that’s useful to you, ignore what isn’t useful, and go live your (hopefully) happy life where you are hopefully able to use your own bathroom whenever you want to. (This letter haunts me to this day and I really, really hope you are okay out there!). I don’t usually do updates although I love reading them at Ask A Manager partially because I never want to create a sense of obligation for Letter Writers.

That said, if you’d like to update people on how things are going since you wrote in, this thread is for you. You may want to try commenting from a different browser than you normally use or taking other steps to make sure you’re logged all the way out of WordPress to keep things anonymous.

Comment moderation note: If you are not updating us about a past letter, this is a good time to either stick to “Yay for you!!” comments or hang back and just read. Talking directly to Letter Writers in a thread you know for a fact that they are reading and participating in is a little different from commenting on the situation in general. People don’t owe us updates, they don’t owe us the decision that you would have made or advised, they don’t owe us a happy ending, they don’t owe us a breakup or the whole new lease on life that we rooted for. If they are generous enough to share how things are going now, hey definitely don’t need deluged with more advice or to have their decisions picked apart. You can hear the ending to the story OR you can be right about everything and today we’re only about the stories. Good? Good.

:chinhands:

Let’s do this.

 

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Cupcakes with a #6 birthday candle. Photograph by Lynn Friedman, used under a creative commons license. 

Six years ago today I registered the CaptainAwkward.com domain and started posting.

Since then we’ve had:

  • 1202 1203 posts
  • 38,992,754 million page views from about 7.3 million visitors
  • 129,495 (approved) comments

2012’s #322 & #323 “My friend group has a case of the Creepy Dude. How do we clear that up?” was still the most-read post last year, and sadly “creepers gonna creep” was a theme in many of the other most-read posts:

  1. #823: Another Day, Another Creepy Dude Who Doesn’t Deserve Friends You wouldn’t have sex with me, so I’m going to let my dog maul you. Cool?
  2. #862: Q: “Does my boyfriend actually love me?” A: “Who knows? He treats you like crap, so time to go!” Hope he enjoys the center of the sun.
  3. #872: Dating strategies that don’t involve the phrase “breaking the touch barrier.” Bonus: recap of all dating advice for straight men
  4. #857: “I thought I made it clear that I just wanted to be friends but apparently not.” Bonus” “Leave Your Female Classmates Alone, They Just Want To Study!” rant.
  5. #842: “I have a much-older boyfriend who has seven kids. Is my situation ok?” Age is just a number, but are you sure you want this guy to be the dad to your future kids
  6. #825, #826, #827: The Art of Losing Is Actually Pretty Hard To Master  Captain Awkward: The Marie Kondo of Breakups has a nice ring to it.
  7. #830, #832, and #832: Boundaries and the power of “no!”

Your letters and the love and respect you all put into this place have changed my life in so many wonderful ways. Thank you for reading and for making this a home on the internet.

Here’s a video of fireworks:

 

Hi,

First I just want to say, I think Ive acted like an asshole. well, I know I have.

I recently had a job, and one of my coworkers was this amazing girl, we hung out a bit and I can honestly say that I had so much fun, she’s smart, she’s funny, I loved our conversations.

Then I asked her out and she said no. Now, I have never, and will never, resent her for saying no, but I did become quite sad and working in the same office was HARD. I don’t have a lot of friends and so I really wanted to get over my feelings and keep up our friendship. She was happy to keep talking to me, but in hindsight I should have stopped, although it’s not like I could’ve avoided her anyway.

Then, when I found out I wouldn’t get my job back the next year (1 year contract) I just spiralled. I stopped sleeping, I became convinced, that it would be the end of our friendship, and I was so desperate to hold onto it that I started feeling really ashamed of having feelings for her, and sort of tried to repress them. Cue neurotic obsession and feelings of guilt.

Next thing I know It’s 3am and I’ve just sent a message saying how I’m ashamed of my sexuality, how maybe I only said I loved her because I wanted to sleep with her.

This isn’t true at all and looking back I can see that I had become so so manic, and while I did feel an attraction to her, it was never something that I cared that much about. Mostly I just enjoyed her company.

I’ve apologized and am planning to wait 2-3 months and then try to contact her, but I’m not sure if I should. Should I just wait and see if she gets in touch with me? Is there any way back to being friends? I really miss her.

P.S. Actually, as a follow up question, I feel like real bastard, but I can’t tell if I did act like one, or if it was just an embarrassing and unwelcome overshare? I’m not actually ashamed of my sexuality, but I am ashamed of the way I acted, as a general question, how should you deal with feeling of shame in social situations?

Pronouns: He, him

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