#902: “My Grandma made a huge fuss when I got a tattoo.”

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September 15, 2016
Families, family, Overthinking It
221 Comments

Dear Captain,

I’m 25 years old and when I was 21 I got my first tattoo. It was a memorial tattoo for an uncle and I’d been thinking about it for a few years, so finally I decided to do it. My mom took me to her tattoo guy and after it was done I posted a picture on facebook.

Now, my grandmother hates tattoos, and I didn’t tell her about it beforehand, so she found out on facebook. Two days after getting the tattoo and posting about it, she called me to tell me how disrespectful I was for not telling her about the tattoo, how hurt she was to have found out about it on facebook, how my mother and I are so disrespectful toward her and what’s next? Is she going to find out I’m engaged on facebook, too? Why didn’t I tell her I was planning this? I didn’t know what to say, but after the phone call ended I cried and felt like an awful, terrible person. It had been 100% intentional to not tell her beforehand, because I know my grandma and she would’ve seen me telling her I was getting a tattoo as a discussion about whether or not I should get a tattoo. I knew she didn’t like them and I didn’t feel like being lectured. Moreover, I didn’t want to pretend to ask for her permission because, at 21, I didn’t need anyone’s permission to get a tattoo in memory of my dead uncle. (I should note that this uncle was not her son, but her ex husband’s brother, and a good friend of hers.) My mom got super upset with my grandma about the phone call, saying that she was trying to make me feel guilty, and they talked and nothing was resolved but we sort of came to a peace about the issue. My tattoo isn’t visible, so she never has to see it, and I never mention it around her.

Almost two years ago I got a second tattoo, this one on my wrist. It’s visible. My mom once again took me to her tattoo guy. It was a week before Christmas. We decided that for the sake of peace I’d wear long sleeves to Christmas dinner.

But I still haven’t told or shown my grandma that tattoo. I’m afraid of another incident, and I know the longer I put it off the worse it’ll be, but it feels like it shouldn’t matter? I’m an adult. I barely told anyone about the first tattoo beforehand, and I didn’t broadcast the second one; people have found out about it as they’ve seen it. Maybe I should’ve told my grandma that I was getting the second tattoo before I got it, but that felt too much like asking for her permission – which, again, I don’t need. But I don’t want her to get upset again and act like I’m a terrible granddaughter over this. I want to get another tattoo, and I want to be able to be around my grandmother without choreographing my movements so that she doesn’t see my inner wrist. Should I sit down and have a conversation with her? Should I just say fuck it and let her notice when she notices? Am I a terrible granddaughter for hiding a tattoo from her for almost two years?

(I feel like adding that my mother has two tattoos, and three of my grandmother’s second husband’s grandkids – her grandkids, basically – also have tattoos. Two of them are younger than I am. Was there any reaction to their tattoos? Of course not. Just mine.)

Sincerely,
Potentially Terrible Granddaughter

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#901: “I was dumped by my theater group. Now what?”

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September 15, 2016
bygones, collaboration, Pep talks for the creatively blocked, Reader Questions, rejection, self-care, Uncategorized
109 Comments

Dear Captain,

I’ll preface this letter by saying that I’m a chronically depressed woman with big anxiety problems and BDP (and one of the ways it manifest is a crippling fear of abandonment).

I have been dumped. By a theater group. I was friend or friendly with all the members (some before the theater). I didn’t see it coming.

We’re an amateur group, so each year our director is whoever volunteers. Someone, let’s call her Loki (I’m feeling petty) took over the job, was congratulated (it’s not an easy job and nobody else was rushing for it). She organized a few reading session over the summer; I attended the first, the second I was in vacation and the two last ones I was too depressed to attend, which I didn’t think would be a big deal. The decision was ultimately hers, she took it, chose a play with eight roles even though we were ten comedians. One week ago she announced it, and last night called me to tell me I was out because she has chosen “to keep the people most invested this summer”. Somehow I’m the only one out.

An additional reason I’m pissed: she chose to cut me out even though I was already a member of the group, but brought her brother in and in an subsequent text she sent me, she talked about the scheduling difficulties (why did she told me that??) (I had no schedule constraint as I have a job with regular hours, no partner or kid and no other activity).

She repeated she was sorry, and I could still be part of the group by doing the grunt work (my words, not hers) of building the set or sewing the costumes (not interested). She also repeatedly offered to me to talk this over around coffee, which I’m very wary about because 1)i don’t see the point beside easing her possible guilt 2)I get emotional real quick and rn all I could see happen is me crying or me yelling, which are both bad. 3)I don’t want to somehow get back in because she would take pity of my mental health issues.

The rest of the group probably doesn’t yet knows what she did and why, they would have said something and I assume she wanted to tell me first.

The final thing is that the scholar year has already started, so it’s gonna be hard to find another, if any, theater group (full of strangers!) I guess my question is: how do I deal with those feeling, how do I deal with Loki and the rest of the group?

Sad And Pissed the Hell Off (she/her)

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#900: “It’s been two years. My sister is still mad that I did not choose her as my Maid of Honor at my wedding.”

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September 14, 2016
bygones, Families, Manners, Reader Questions
272 Comments

Dear Captain Awkward,

I got married 2 years ago, and since then Older Sister & I haven’t spoken. What prompted the silence was that she wasn’t a Maid of Honor at my wedding.

Let me preface this by saying I come from a Southern family where weddings are a big deal, but if it had been solely my choice, I would’ve happily eloped at city hall. But we did have a traditional Southern wedding, which my mom planned.

My husband wanted his brother to be his best man, so knowing that I needed a MOH, I picked my younger sister. I figured that Older Sister, who’s 11 years older than me, would’ve been relieved that she didn’t have to stand in front of everyone and buy a dress she’d only wear once.

Welp, when I called to update her on the wedding plans, she was very upset and ended the call abruptly. I felt terrible and called back later, apologizing, asking to talk. She didn’t return my call for three months and only did after my mom drove down and convinced her to reconcile. We had a nasty conversation of “how could you not know this would hurt me,” etc.

I thought about having 2 MOHs, but that would mean my husband’s sister would be left out, and I wasn’t eager to include her because we haven’t always been on best of terms. So I sent Older Sister an email asking her to do a reading, and she said fine and that she wasn’t upset anymore. Then she sent a hurtful email to my mom, which was about a lot of other things, but also said how mom should’ve “made” me have two MOHs.

Anyway, the wedding day wasn’t fun. Older Sister ended up crying in the bathroom while I was getting ready, and I had to be the liaison between her & mom the entire weekend. It was terrible. I didn’t even want this damn wedding, and I spent the entire time on edge and nauseous. Afterwards, I wrote Older Sister an email explaining how angry I was, and she said not to contact her anymore.

Captain, I still feel so guilty about the MOH thing. Maybe I should’ve had 2 MOHs, my husband’s sister as a bridesmaid, and gotten two groomsmen to even things out. I was trying to protect myself against more drama and stress by not doing those things, but that clearly backfired.

I don’t have a plan of how reconcile with Older Sister, and that’s fine for now. But I need an honest answer to this question: Did I really mess up? Did I wrong Older Sister?

Thanks for reading,

Guilty Sis

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#899: “Disclosing a long-ago marriage and divorce feels awkward.”

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September 13, 2016
Abuse, boundaries, COMMUNICATION, control, ethics, Overthinking It, Reader Questions, saying no, self-care, Social Interactions, THE FIELD OF NO FUCKS GIVEN
115 Comments

Hi there,

I have a bit of an odd quandary. I am divorced, and I divorced young. My relationship was a very bad and abusive one, and that was a dark time in my life. I have gotten therapy, learned a lot about myself, and I think I’m doing well. It’s daily work to deal with lingering issues, but I typically feel most comfortable addressing those to my therapist or close family who knew me then. It’s intensely personal to me, and revisiting it in casual conversation isn’t something I’m interested in doing. I have PTSD, and it coming up usually sets me up for a good day of feeling anxious and awful.

I’ve since moved across the country and none of my new friends really know much about my divorce or that I was ever married. I don’t hide it, and a more in-depth peruse of my social media probably holds some clues, but I don’t proactively bring it up. I’m an age where many of my friends are getting married and navigating serious relationships for the first time, so it’s very plausible and even likely that none of this ever happened. People assume that (I never lie), and I don’t correct them.

That said, I’m fortunate that some of these relationships are becoming closer, which raises two issues:

1. It is normal to not tell a minor acquaintance your life story, but it is starting to feel like a purposeful omission to people whom I see often and confide in me. I know I’m not obligated to share it, but occasionally they’ll find out and when they do there’s a bit of “whoa, that was a pretty big thing to leave out.” I stammer and ineffectually mumble some sort of half-apology, but I have no idea how to even start. I don’t feel like I need to apologize, but I always feel like I kind of lied, even though I didn’t.

2. I’ve been asked, directly, a few times – “were you once married?” and I don’t want to lie. I also, however, want to be clear that it isn’t something I enjoy talking about without disclosing more about the relationship than I’d like to.

I want to set a boundary, I don’t want to lie, and I don’t want to sensationalize. I feel like I need to give a reason why I never said anything, but that gets into self-disclosure I’d rather avoid (“Yes, I was, but it was a difficult and painful time and not something I talk about” generally creates pity and curiosity and gossip and more prying, all awful.) Not giving a reason or changing the subject generally creates a weird, stilted conversation or doesn’t adequately communicate that it’s off-limits so then it comes up again.

I need a polite way to communicate that this is not a secret but not something I talk about without making it into a bigger deal than it is and not making anyone feel as though I’ve slighted them by leaving that out. I’d love to have scripts for either of these instances because right now I’m just floundering, it’s awkward, and it’s starting to become the elephant in the room, and I’m sad I can’t think of something better to say.

Thank you so much. She/her pronouns.

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#898: “My friend’s wife loathes at least half of us but comes to our weekly games night to hang out anyway.”

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September 13, 2016
boundaries, COMMUNICATION, Events, friends, Geek Social Fallacies, Manners, Reader Questions, Social Interactions
135 Comments

Hi Captain Awkward,

I have a good female friend, V. Friend V has a wife, O. Every weekend, all of our friends group and SO’s will get together Saturday night to hang out, have a drink and play games. This is great. What is not so great is that O has privately reached out to every masculine person in the group that she has not dated and let them know that they make her uncomfortable and would they please not talk to her or interact with her in any way. She has also publicly said that she thinks each one is an asshole and will ask people who date those men what they see in them anyway.

When I thought that she only felt this way towards me, I was hurt, but tried to do the right thing to make her more comfortable. At this point, as more of the situation is coming out, I’m struggling for a solution. Her discomfort is beginning to feel secondary to the discomfort of the half of our group she’s slagging and asking to tiptoe around her, but I don’t know how to deal with this.

Please, help!

Sincerely,

Frustrated

(He/Him pronouns are fine)

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#897: “Every time I invite our friends to something, this person suggests a competing event.”

By
September 9, 2016
Friendship, Geek Social Fallacies, invitations, Manners, Reader Questions, Social Interactions
122 Comments

Hi Captain Awkward,

I find myself in a very awkward but relatively low-stakes situation with a classmate. There is a woman in my cohort at college who has this weird habit of rescheduling other students’ social events (not just mine, but mostly mine). For example, someone invites the group by email out to go hiking, and she’ll respond saying let’s all go bowling instead. Once I invited everyone to a dinner party I was hosting at my home, and she tried to change the event to be a restaurant outing at a different time!

I understand that in the course of group planning, sometimes people negotiate things like whether to meet at 8 or 9, or whether to get Mexican or Italian, but her behavior is going way beyond that. And frankly, sometimes I don’t really care if everyone can make it – I just want to go see this awesome concert and it’d be even more awesome if others wanted to join.

There’s obviously a lot of GSF5 going on here. How can I talk to her about this without making it seem like I don’t care about her presence? I do care, and I love spending time with her, but I can’t accommodate her on every social outing. Also/alternatively, what is a polite way to indicate to the group, after she inevitably makes some “helpful” suggestions, that my invitation is not up for negotiation?

Just Send Me Your Regrets
(she/her)

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#896: “One wedding, one funeral, and a crapton of sibling conflict.”

By
September 8, 2016
Captain Awkward's Laws of Social Media, COMMUNICATION, communications, death, Families, family, making up, Reader Questions
180 Comments

Dear Captain Awkward,

My brother died suddenly in an accident in May. He was my only full sibling. The only sibling I grew up with and lived with. I also have 3 older half siblings from my father’s first marriage- we’re not super close, we see each other at holidays and text quarterly updates. After the funeral, I had to plan my wedding happening just 8 weeks after my brother’s death. The trouble starts when I am texting with T (the oldest half sister) and say that I am having a hard time because my mother is emotionally unavailable due to her grief. T has a tense relationship with my mother and uses this moment to tell me how unreasonably angry my mother was acting when she last saw her. I am LIVID and stop responding. T says “sorry, it just made her sad.” I lose a day of wedding planning to being angry and trying to figure out how to respond. I give up and send no reply.

In the following weeks, T sends a message explaining her behaviour and then tells me that I am acting unacceptably. I tell her that I need some time and space. My other sister K is sent to get some answers and I tell her to mind her own business. T gives me 10 days and then tells me I’m being abusive and I’m just mad because her siblings are alive and mine is dead, that everyone was at her wedding and my brother won’t be at mine. She doesn’t want to come to my wedding because she’s not sure if I even love her anymore. I tell her that needing space was about me not her. At this time she also makes a plea to my parents to get them to make me talk with her- they say she should just leave me alone. My father sobs and begs T to attend the wedding.

At the wedding, T shows up late and leaves early. I generally avoid them and have a fine time. After the wedding she blocks me and my parents on facebook and gets her husband and mother to do the same. I text T that I am available to talk now, but understand if she needs space. No response. I text K and say apologize for being snappy and telling her to mind her own business. She blasts back demanding I take responsibility for everything – for making my “wedding into a battle ground”, shattering all of the relationships, and “single handedly tearing our grieving family apart”. I’m at a loss. Am I selfish? Are they? How much of this is my fault? Should I just cut my losses? Help?

-One wedding and a funeral

(Preferred pronouns she-her)

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