I am a part of a lovely circle of friends that at its core is good and strong and free of toxicity.
If you graduate out a bit in the social circles, we have a couple of friends that kind of move in and out of the friend group that are prone to dramatics (openly untreated depression because they say no therapist understands them, say things like “I don’t know why anyone even wants to be my friend, I’m a terrible person”, have chosen particular diets but never bring their type of dishes to potlucks so they passive aggressively make comments about having nothing to eat OR the host will make a special dish and at the last minute flake. Probably due to the depression(s), their homes are also at various levels of hoarding/uncleanliness-literal bags of garbage in corners, filthy litter boxes, etc. offers of “are you doing ok? Do you need help with anything” aka reaching out are met with indignation and weeks of “can you believe they insulted me that way!”.
These folks also smoke a lot of weed. Inside their homes and outside at other people’s homes (although if you ask them not to at your home because of piss test concerns from secondary they will begrudgingly stop). I am terribly allergic to almost all kinds of pot. I can be around the liquid form in vapes for whatever reason, but raw burning weed gives me a full body migraine that can last for days.
However not inviting these people to my home for gatherings would be…..well I don’t have the spoons to deal with the fallout. But when I don’t go to their house often enough for one of their parties, i inevitably get a message or text “why don’t you ever come over? Did I make you mad? I feel like you’re mad at me? It’s because I’m a terrible person isn’t it? It’s a wonder I have any friends at all” and literally I want to chuck my phone into the river from frustration.
Because I’m not going to be THAT PERSON and go to someone else’s house and demand they not smoke pot. But I also can’t be in bed for two days to protect someone else’s feelings. And as an addendum, my spouse does have a piss test issue so I worry about it showing up if they get checked at random.
Help?
Not a Narc, just got bad genes (They/them for anonymity)
Content note: There are mentions of suicide later in this post and also some very US-specific political stuff.
I promise not to turn this blog into an all politics, all US health-care policy all the time site, but this couldn’t be more important or personal to me. I could not in good conscience neglect the platform that this site and this community has given me to speak. Thank you for reading.
Submit your questions on Patreon or on Twitter (@CAwkward, #AwkwardFriday) before noon Chicago time today and I will answer as many as I can. Comments get turned on after everything’s posted on my end.
Great questions this week! Transcript below, updating sloooooooooooowly.
And yes, it’s that time of the month, when we treat the things people typed into search engines as if they are questions they want answers to.
1 “How to handle snubs from close relatives.”
Sometimes you end up related to people you would never interact with by choice.
If you’re the one who messed things up and you know it, apologize once and then try to do better.
If you’re not the person who caused the breach, or if your apology for what you did is not accepted, stop trying so hard to make the situation better. Your effort is probably wasted, and you don’t have to keep auditioning for the approval of people who regularly show that they don’t care about you or want you around.
When you absolutely have to deal with the person, it might help to find a basic amount of polite that you can be to them suitable to the occasion. Not because they deserve it, but because it might make you feel better if you have a plan for interacting with some dignity. If it helps, imagine they are distant acquaintances, like, employees of a satellite office of your company that you run into once a year at the holiday party. In that instance you’d say “Hi, happy new year!” and then you go talk to the people you actually like and want to see.
Don’t treat the family like a monolith. Form your own relationships with the people you care about and who you want to connect with. The uncle who hates you hosts Thanksgiving every year? You do not have to go to his house and choke down his grudge-turkey, but also you don’t have to let Thanksgiving and his turf be the only time you see any of these people. He doesn’t own your grandma or your cousins or the month of November.
2 “My aunt says my partner is not welcome, what do I do?”
“Well, Aunt, we’ll be sorry to miss you. Maybe next year.” It’s okay to skip events where your partner is not welcome.
Unless your partner is some form of Nazi. In that case, I’m Team Aunt and also you should dump that Nazi dickhead.
3 “Do you have to invite adult son’s girlfriend to family parties.”
Depends. Do you want your son to come to these parties and feel happy and welcome there, or do you secretly wish he’d stay away?
Also depends – is his girlfriend a Nazi? If so, definitely don’t invite her to anything.
4 “My neighbor doesn’t respect the property line.”
You need to find someone who knows the laws where you live. That’s not me, even if you live where I live.
5 “My boyfriend tells me how to eat how to exercise.”
Did you want a free volunteer personal trainer? If so, enjoy! If not, tell him it’s none of his beeswax.
6 “What do you say to someone who is trying to set you up with someone you’re not interested in?”
“I appreciate the thought, but I’m not interested.”
“No thank you!”
7 “I’m in New Jersey when is this oak pollen going to go away for god sakes.”
I’m in Chicago and I also want to know this.
8 “Where will Harry and Meghan live?”
Google says “Nottingham Cottage” in “Kensington Palace.”
9 “Stories of sexy young girl with huge tits.”
Stories of people who are not efficient users of search engines.
10 “Boyfriend wants me to better myself.”
Did you ask him to be your amateur life coach? If not, tell him to focus on his own issues and ambitions.
11 “I don’t like my grandchild’s name.”
Learn to love it, or learn to be quiet about it, or both.
12 “Coworker dating app.”
My jerk of a brain initially read this as “Oh shit did someone make an app to try to help people date their coworkers please god no” when really the person is probably looking for “what do I do if I spot my coworker on a dating app.” Picture my entire body seizing up with revulsion for a few seconds until my brain caught up with the more likely interpretation.
My instinct is almost always to say hey, just leave the person alone, it’s not like it’s some terrible secret that you’re both on the app, and it would be pretty cool if you could give each other the gift of a bubble of privacy while you both try to do something vulnerable, especially since you work together. If they spot you as well and are interested in you, they can find a way to let you know!
13 “Husband doesn’t want me on birth control.”
If you’re a person who can get pregnant, you are the ultimate boss of whether, when, and if. No exceptions.
14 “I want to call suicide hotline but don’t know what to say.”
“Hi, I’m [Firstname] and I’m having suicidal thoughts.”
“Hi, I’m nervous about calling this hotline and I don’t know what to say.”
You won’t freak them out or get it wrong. They want you to call even if you don’t know what to say. I really hope you get what you need.
15 “When family wants you to visit but they never visit you.”
Visit them when you want to and when it makes sense for you, and if they pressure you for more visits say “I won’t make it, but you’re always welcome to visit me here! Can we put a plan together?”
16 “jean luc picard open shirt”
HEL-lo!
Image description: Patrick Stewart as Jean-Luc Picard wearing shorts and an open shirt reading a book on a green lounge chair. First spotted on this site here.
17 “Is it rude to invite guests to someone’s house without letting them know?”
Almost certainly yes! Even if you know this person is very hospitable and wouldn’t mind extra guests, why wouldn’t you at least let them know to expect them?
18 “firthing”
Refers to the way Mr. Darcy (as played by Colin Firth in the 1990s Pride & Prejudice adaptation) treats Elizabeth Bennett when he develops a crush on her. Especially characterized by weird, intense staring bouts or standing really close to someone while studiously NOT looking at them, general glowering, and hostile non sequiturs intended to camouflage romantic interest. If unchecked, Firthing can lead to cornering one’s love interest and vomiting a bunch of feelings all over someone who didn’t even know that you liked them, or doing weird shit like showing up in the middle of the night to give them wordy letters.
Mitigating factors: A really nice house
Best avoided by: Asking the person on a date pretty soon after you know that you like them.
(Please tell me someone who knows Colin Firth reads this blog and has told him about this, it would make my year.)
NOTICE: By request, this behavior will from now on be referred to as “Darcy-ing.”
I’ve been seeing my therapist twice a month for about five years. I got lucky in finding the right person for me – at the time – on my first try, and he’s helped me through severe depression and anxiety as well as dealing with a lot of the underlying causes of same.
For the past six months or so I’ve been feeling like our sessions are not productive. I am in much, much better mental and emotional health than those first couple of years, I’m well beyond crisis, but I still have several issues I want to work on and the responses I’m getting from him are…disengaged.
Whereas before he was helping me work through tough stuff, roleplaying difficult conversations, pushing me to socialize more (world-class introvert here), even giving me homework between sessions, now I get bordering-on-snide comments like “ya think” and “oh really” and “I’ve already given you clues about where to start”. He also checks his phone at least once per session and has even taken a personal call once during a session. Clearly he’s no longer invested.
Yesterday I went to my session with two specific things I wanted to discuss, thinking perhaps I needed to be more focused instead of falling into the “vent about how stressful work is” habit that’s marked the last few months. Even though I told him outright that I wanted to work on these two things, I got very little useful feedback. Honestly, I think I need to see a female therapist because what I want to work on now, I don’t think he can relate to (he’s a straight white male in his 60s).
One of the issues he and I have been working on pretty much from the beginning is knowing when to let go of a person or situation or thing. Well, I think I need to let him go and find someone else to help me through the next set of issues. But…how do I do this? As you can probably guess, confrontation is not my strong suit but social awkwardness is. Scripts and roleplaying are very helpful for unfamiliar or difficult situations.
Help?
[insert clever alliterative name]
Pronouns: she/her
P.S. I did a search on the site but didn’t find this particular question. If it is there and I missed it, I apologize.
School/life has been kicking my ass this semester and I am really behind on search terms posts, friends. Let’s make up for lost time!
1 “I feel like I have said too much”
You are in the right place!
2 “Boyfriend won’t take showers”
Try bluntness. “Please take a shower, babe, you don’t smell so great.”
3 “My new partner has a filthy toilet”
Try bluntness, again. “Hey, this is awkward, but can you clean the toilet at your place?”
The longer you let stuff like no showering or a sketchy toilet go, the longer it bothers you, and the more awkward the eventual conversation gets.
4 “Guy doesn’t want a relationship because of depression”
Guy doesn’t want a relationship. Hope he gets some help for the depression and transfer your time and attention to a different guy or (better yet!) your badass self.
5 “Boyfriend is a MRA/My husband is a men’s rights activist”
(+ many more variations of this)
I hate saying “he is lost to you” but HE IS. Get yourself safe and far away as soon as you can.
6 “How to get the girl from long distance”
Ask the girl if she wants to be with you.
7 “My husband tells me I’m socially inept”
You might have a social awkwardness problem. You definitely have a mean husband problem.
8 “My bf makes fun of mental disorders”
Try bluntness: “Stop making gross ‘jokes’ about mental illness.” If he won’t, make him your ex-boyfriend.
9 “What effect on a new relationship does ‘getting intimate too fast’ have.”
If you’re asking about “when is it ok to have sex” my answer is “Whenever it seems like a good idea to both you and the prospective other person.”
One reason I advise going slow in getting to know someone and watching out for people who escalate relationships very quickly is that sometimes unsuitable people do this deliberately so you’ll be too high on orgasms and love notes to stop and evaluate a) whether they are really a good fit for you and b) whether the idealized picture they present in early dating is congruent with who they really are. The Dirty John podcast & article series (which gets allllllllll the warnings for stalking, violence) is a good cautionary tale about ignoring a lot of warning signals and outright lies because the feeling of being in love with someone who is so focused on you is so powerful.
10 “Boyfriend wants a love triangle with ex”
Hope boyfriend enjoys that love segment that he and ex are about to be in, minus you.
11 “How to respond to “you’re not my dad” from a 30 year old roommate”
“No, I’m not your dad and I don’t want to be, which is why reminding you to [do household chore][pay the cable bill][keep your mess in your room] is equally annoying to me! Can you just do the thing please? We’ll both be happier.”
12 “46 years old and my mom gives me the silent treatment”
The silent treatment is cruel and abusive. The only way to really fight it is to take the silence of an abusive person as a gift they are giving you. Your mom wants you to bow and scrape and ask her what you did wrong and chase her approval and attention. What if you didn’t do any of that, and just decided, hey, that’s her problem? If you’ve never worked with a therapist, this is a good time/issue.
13 “My family hates my bf because he hit me”
I mean…yeah? Do you get that this is a pretty reasonable position on your family’s part? Instead of trying to change your family’s mind about this guy, I hope you can work on getting yourself free of him.
Here’s a short film by a father and a daughter about her high school relationship with a boy who abused her. It is painful to watch (again, all the content warnings apply) but they made it to help people who have been there, or prevent others from going there.
14 “Coworker wears tons of makeup”
That’s your coworker’s face, not your face, ergo you are not the boss of it ergo nunya beeswax.
15 “How to reject short notice invites”
You can just say “Sorry, can’t make it” on a case by case basis, but if it’s a recurring thing with a person you really like, maybe try “I’d love to, but with my schedule I need more lead time to plan. Can we plan something for [future date] instead?”
16 “Do I have to extend an invite every fucking time Captain Awkward”
Apparently you do? If you’re always the person who does the inviting, it’s okay to pull back if you don’t have the energy for it, and tell the other person “Hey, can you make the plans next time? I’m a little burnt out on doing the inviting, but I do like seeing you.”
17 “Is it a disservice to give someone else your junk”
Most of the time, probably!
18 “Thank you for letting me know the decision and good lick to you”
Good lick to you!
19 “How to react if boyfriend wants to fix you”
“If I want a life coach I’ll hire one.”
20 “11 reasons why you should be bummed about missing big guava”
I’m guava-neutral, but, tell me more?
21 “He’s still on the dating app after a month/I know he loves me but he’s still online/Why is he still on the dating site/Why is his dating profile still active”
There is one person in the world who knows the answer to each of these questions, and that is the “he” in the equation. Could be he forgot to delete it. Could be he’s keeping his options open. Only one way to find out!
Step 1: You’ll need the head of a creepy doll, a bundle of hot chili peppers, any piece of political campaign literature stolen from a recycling bin, the grossest leftovers from the back of the fridge (something green is best), and glass of a refreshing beverage of your choice.
Step 2: Gather these items and bury them at the crossroads during the dark of the moon. Or, don’t gather any of these things – they don’t really matter, except for the beverage.
Step 3: Drink the beverage so your throat isn’t scratchy. Then ask the dude what’s up and tell him where your head and heart are at with this whole thing. For a new relationship, try “Hey, I’m thinking about taking my dating profile down – I’m really happy with how things are going with us and I want to see where this goes without the distraction of dating other people. What do you think about that?” For a more committed relationship, it gets a bit more awkward & blunt, right? “Hey, I thought we were in a committed relationship – is there a reason you’re on dating sites that I should know about?” See what he says. See if it washes. Talk about what you want from a relationship and see if y’all want the same things. See if you’re on the same timeline for figuring all that out. And if you haven’t already, please make sure you have those awkward, important talks about safer sex practices and STI testing if that’s something that affects you & this relationship. Sometimes you gotta be awkward in the name of protecting yourself!
I am in a tough place with a long time close friend. My partner and I are currently roommates with this friend. We have been all living together for a little over a year in a shared apartment (everyone’s name is on the lease).
Friend is a wonderful, kind, smart person, but he’s been in a bad spot for the past 4 years and seems to constantly be in a very slow decline. We are all in our early to mid 30’s college educated professionals, but roommate has not worked consistently in years and nearly at all in 3. He’s been fired from multiple positions in a row. He has not ever had a relationship though he claims to want one. He is not in school, volunteering, or otherwise doing anything to move forward in his life. He’s clearly struggling, but while he’s openly discussed that he’s had issues with anxiety and depression, and is on medication/sees someone about this, he otherwise attempts to act like everything is completely fine. He spends large amounts of money he doesn’t have on his hobbies, hangs around the house constantly in his pjs, sleeps very late/stays up all night, and really only goes out if its to do something “fun” or if it’s related to his hobby, and is often not conscientious to the household as a whole.
Other notes on our and roommates situation
– He does pay his portion of rent. See next point for more on that
– He is not in a position to not work. He is being given cash by family members to float expenses but there is also large amounts of debt on multiple credit cards. His family is not able to do this indefinitely and it’s clear that his finances are a house of cards that is going to collapse.
– Partner and I do not want to live with roommate after our lease is up. We have a few more months on the lease, and for us all to find housing we need to inform him now. We do not plan to kick him out. Current plan is to offer to either turn the apartment over to him and move out, or take over the lease if he’d like to move. However I doubt he will get it together enough to make a plan to move (see above stagnation), and there is a high likelihood landlord would not allow him to remain in the apartment without us (see lack of income), so us moving “kicks him out” by default
– His alternative free housing option would be with a family member. This is roommate’s last choice option and he would hate it. It is not unsafe or abusive, but it would not be what he wants
– He does not have a drug or alcohol problem ( I am 99.9% sure of this)
– We knew he was having issues when we got a place together. At the time we thought it was more situational and less due to his actions/ lack of action, and that living with people who cared about him and were also productive adults would be helpful to roommate. My partner and I both agree now moving in together was a bad call on our parts
– We live in an area where finding employment in things like retail/ serving jobs/ temping etc is not difficult. He seems to think this type of hourly work is beneath him.
– It’s clear he views himself as a part of me and my partner’s family unit and seems to think he will remain as part of our household indefinitely.
At this point myself, my partner and all our mutual friends are extremely concerned about him. It’s become clear that his situation is a slow moving disaster but that eventually he’s going to hit some type of wall and not be able to continue on pretending everything is fine. Conversations to try to help him or make him see reality have been unsuccessful. Having a frank conversation with him is like nailing jello to the wall.
My question is, how do I explain to him that we are not going to be living with him on the next lease cycle without destroying our friendship or setting in motion an emotional collapse from him, while also making it clear he needs to take this seriously and make plans on how he’s going to house himself going forward. I’m worried about having to spend the next several months with an angry and seriously depressed roommate or alternatively him in a panic come the end of the lease when he’s done nothing to prepare. I do feel like I have some responsibility to preserve his mental health and our friendship in all this.
