Hello! Lenée aka @dopegirlfresh is still filling in for Captain Awkward (who came through surgery fine and is grateful for recuperation time). In addition to discussions of stalking, this post has mentions of past sexual assault and some abuse/trauma stuff.
For over a decade, I had a really bad relationship with my sister. She struggled with addiction and suicide ideation and, often, was just plain mean. I enabled her by making sure I was always available to her during her emotional crises and never saying no to anything she wanted. I got a weird sense of superiority from taking care of her, which I realize now, was a really sick source of self-esteem.
Fortunately, our relationship is a lot better now! She’s been sober for nearly two years and has apologized for many of the things she did when she was using. For my part, I apologized for being a condescending goody-good.
I thought things were fine as they were.
Recently, though, she called off her engagement and has started calling and texting me a lot. This is a common pattern. When she’s happy and busy, I don’t hear from her much. That’s fine by me. But, when she’s sad, lonely, or upset, the intensity of her communication ramps way up.
The other day, I asked her if everything was ok – noting that she’s been calling a lot lately. She said everything was fine, she just wants us to be closer. But, this is exactly what I don’t want! I want to enjoy her company when we see each other a few times a year. I want to talk to her maybe once a week. I don’t want to be her best friend or confidante. I’m just not ready for that.
The guilt I feel at not wanting to be close to someone who wants to be close to me is eating me up inside. Does forgiving her mean we have to be good friends? Is it ok to want the best for my sister, admire her good qualities, and still want her to kind of…stay in her own world? Is there any way I can convey this to her without seeming like a monster? Especially, since she’s going through a tough time?
Sister, Not Friend (#1182)
Hi Sister, Not Friend, your letter came in at the same time as some others, I hope nobody minds if we tackle these all together.
Dear Captain Awkward,
I have a sister who has been bothering me a lot lately. She has depression and a few other minor health issues, she is divorced, on disability. She is very negative and usually only wants to get together to complain about her health, my parents, her kids, or ex husband. She doesn’t have a lot of friends and constantly texts me all day. I would like to put some distance between us because all her issues are stressing me out which is leading to my own adverse health affects and I just don’t have time for them. I have tried to say things in the past but she always says “this is the straw that broke the camels back” or she feels “attacked”. She has always been like this and it’s really starting to bother me. I feel bad saying I need space when she doesn’t have any one else but I’m tired of her drama. I don’t want to cut her out of my life just limit our interactions to once or twice a week. Do you have any advice on how I can achieve this?
Hi Sally, your letter came in at the same time as several others. We’re going to have a group discussion. Read on.
Dear Captain Awkward,
Thank you for the existence of your blog! I love reading your advice and have been slowly trying to implement this into my own relationships.
The problem I have is that I am a very passive, live and let live kind of person, living in a family of opinionated people. My dad loves to rage on about articles he’s read and refuses to acknowledge alternative theories. My mother has an uncanny ability of seeing the world through everyone else’s eyes, and therefore believing she has the authority to cast judgement on their decisions. Loudly.
My sister combines the two and adds another ingredient. Selfishness. When her friend’s parents were getting divorced, she worried that her friendship with friend would suffer. When her university frienemy announced she was moving in with her boyfriend, to the same county as my sister after graduating, my sister worried that she would be obligated to spend all free time with frienemy, despite living 30 miles apart. My dad once complimented me on my jumper as I sat down to dinner with them. Her immediate response was to cry out: ‘But what about my jumper, dad?’ I bit my tongue so hard it metaphorically started bleeding. Call her out on any of the above, though, she calls me rude and gets angry.
Captain, your scripts and advice have been invaluable in building up my confidence to confront the aspects of our relationship that I’m not happy about, in addition to making everything about her, the way she has targeted me in the past has led to many of my insecurities.
I have put her on an information diet and refuse to engage in arguments. We have barely interacted for a number of months now.
We have recently had some bad news in the family which, I hoped, would start to bring us closer together in a positive way. It has had the effect of her calling me frequently to spill her emotional guts.
I’m dealing with my own fair share of emotions in reaction to the bad news. I don’t feel comfortable enough to share them with my sister whenever she calls, and I’m certainly not about to tell her that my eating disorder has started to resurface, because she will make it into a competition about who is having a worse time. This is one of her patterns and an easy way for her to avoid acknowledging that I have feelings.
I know my own strength and while I know that I can talk to her about family news, I don’t know how to increase the time and energy spent with her knowing that she won’t acknowledge any boundaries I’ve set up. Keeping her on an information diet has helped, but I worry that she’ll try to break past that as our relationship progresses.
I know you can’t choose family, and I want to have a good relationship with my sister, I just don’t know how.
Struggling Sister (#1184)
Greetings, Struggling Sister! Something’s in the air, right? I hope it helps to know you’re not alone. You’re not alone.
Now that we’re all gathered here together, I think that if improvement is possible in these sibling relationships, there is a common approach that gives all of you the best chance of making that happen.
Hi readers, I’ve started writing a series of posts about caring for mental health while engaging with the rocky political situation in the US over at my Patreon site. Financial support is always appreciated (and how we get to not look at ads when we hang out here), but this particular content is free for anyone to read and share.
Posts so far in the series:
- The Half-Assed Activist
- Some Social Media & Media Engagement Hygiene And Self-Care Lessons I’ve Learned From Spending Several Years On This Hellmouth
- I should include the post that kicked it off: Depression and Anxiety and ANXIETY, about the time back in 2017 when I tried and failed to start a book club with my therapist and learned some important things along the way.
I’m still messing about a bit with Patreon rewards that can be both maximally attractive to you and sustainably delivered by me. I will be reviving the Search Terms posts and the Friday Short Answers very very soon, but for now I’m also going with: MORE CONTENT, as I realized in December when all my attempts to answer reader questions started turning into book chapters (alas, not from any of the same books) or Twitter rants that a slight separation between “the advice blog that I dearly love writing” and “ALL OF JENNIFER’S THOUGHTS, EVER” might be wise, if only to keep *myself* a little more organized.
In other news, if you missed it, a bunch of people who write advice columns talked to each other about our processes over at BuzzFeed Content notes apply for mentions of abuse, animal harm, and something called “the jizzcliner.” Next time I’d love to hear from ¡Hola Papi!, Dearly Beloved, Asking Bear, Everyone Is Gay, for starters, the advice column form is rich and varied right now.
If you’re in Chicago, Mr. Awkward is telling a story at The Stoop’s Six Year Anniversary Show
on January 31 postponed until Tuesday, Feb 5, same venue, same everything, different levels of cold! (I think it’s about how his dad founded a second franchise of the family), and I’m telling a story at You’re Being Ridiculous at Steppenwolf on February 1 –happening as planned, sold out as far as I know – My plan is to tell the story about the time I lived with a roommate ripped from the pages of The Gift of Fear, but I might write 6 more things between now and then, shhhhhhhh don’t tell the producers).
Here’s a song:
It is time for the return of the feature where we answer things people typed into search engines to find this place as if they are questions. Obviously we are missing details and nuance and the larger story. (That’s what makes it fun).
First, as traditional: music with the month somewhere in the song.
Second, the “questions.”
1 Wife refuses to take birth control.
The opposite/other angle of this post! Everybody’s the boss of their own body and your wife doesn’t have to put anything in hers that she doesn’t want to. So, if you are a person who can have the possibly-results-in-babies brand of sex with said wife, and you don’t want to risk making babies, I recommend the following steps to control your controllables:
- Don’t do any of the sex stuff that could possibly result in babies until you have a clear and reliable path/decision about this. You can choose to not cause an unwanted pregnancy!
- Talk to your wife honestly about what you want out of your life and your relationship. (Babies…never? Babies…but not yet?) and listen to her. Maybe she wants babies more than she wants you, and that’s sad, but giving her a chance to make an informed choice about that is the most loving thing you can do.
- If what you truly want is “No babies (or risk thereof)!” your wife doesn’t have to go on birth control she doesn’t want. Instead, you could take steps to limit your own fertility.
2 “Mistake of loving a man who does not love himself.”
“How can you love anybody else if you don’t love yourself?” is the axiom, right? It’s one of those things that seems logically sound, but I’m not sure it is. I think it’s possible to love other people even when it’s hard to love yourself, I think sometimes that loving other people is how you teach yourself to love yourself (Like, “wait, would I let someone treat [person I love] the way I’m treating me?”), so I’m not always one to make “love yourself, then others” the absolute order of operations.
Given that, how does this man treat YOU. How are his behaviors toward YOU. What kind of care does he take of YOU. Is he good and kind to the people in his life? If he doesn’t love himself but he’s good to you, maybe you can work with that (though it’s up to him to figure out how to be better to himself, not you to make that happen).
3 “My best friend had a baby and I can’t stand little kids.”
Here are your choices:
- Learn to “stand” your friend’s kids, at least a little, the way someone had to learn how to “stand” you when you were a tiny human.
- Don’t, knowing that you and your friend will grow apart.
If you Just Can’t with kids and babies, I believe you and I don’t want to fight with you. You can’t. So, don’t! Just, I strongly believe that decision will have consequences for your friendship and you should know what they are. The kids won’t always be little, but your friend will probably always remember if you disappear from her life when she has a child or treat her child like it’s something she inflicted on you. Friendships can grow and outlast big changes, and it’s possible to balance time with small kids with solo friend time, so I hope the people looking for this can realize kids are just humans and they live here, too.
4 “My friend never wants to go out anymore now that she has small kids.”
Good timing! A common problem! Small kids can’t be left alone, “cool” venues and outings are wasted on them, and babysitters are expensive (like, mentally add $40-80 to every planned outing you want your friend to do and see if you still expect them to cheerfully do it). For years, Mr. Awkward and I have followed this program for brand new parent-friends:
- Set a day and time. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight before naptime can be the best time (maximum quiet) or the worst time (the longer they sleep, the worse the diaper situation when they wake).
- Show up to friend-parents house with food or makings of something hearty and large, a casserole or stew with strong leftover potential.
- Parents leave house, go see matinee.
- Awkwards keep baby alive and prepare large food thing.
- Parents come home, we all eat.
- Baby goes to bed.
- Parents & Awkwards stay up, watch stabby television that needs parental guidance warnings, drink booze, play games with complicated rules and swears!
- Awkwards go home, leaving a clean kitchen, alive baby & parents, and a fridge full of leftover stew behind.
- EVERYBODY STILL HAS FRIENDZZZZ.
Alternately, parent-friends like to go out sometimes without their small kids, but sometimes you gotta alternate which parent you’re gonna entice out of the house because someone’s gotta stay behind (or spend $40-$80).
5 “Friends forgot my birthday quotes”
I don’t know about quotes, were you looking for this post?
I’m still sticking with “It hurts when people who usually acknowledge your birthday forget” and “If you are an adult who wants something in particular to happen on your birthday, please tell people! Please help them give you what would make you happy.”
6 “Getting husband to buy flowers”
Look, it’s the old “I don’t just want flowers, I want my spouse to want to buy me flowers ‘just because’ without being asked” problem, like, I know, we all want small acts of romance and kindness, but you married that person, the one who could clearly use some verbal reminding about flowers, so:
Do you want flowers, or, do you want to be married to someone else?
Legit either way, I guess? If asking “Would you surprise me with flowers once a month or so? It would make me so happy if you did that sometimes, even a really inexpensive grocery store bunch!” seems more difficult than divorce, you know your own life best. For example, I’m not gonna tell you you have to stay with the person who sees a direct request for a small happy-making thing as an opportunity to argue with you, so if you tell them they are like “it’s not really a surprise, now, is it,” and therefore “there’s no point” to doing a tiny thing that you told them would make you happy, leaving you both “without flowers” and “vaguely wrong for even mentioning them.” If you’re married to WELL, ACTUALLY, THEY’RE JUST WASTEFUL USELESS DEAD PLANTS, AND ALSO, I WAS PLANNING TO ‘SURPRISE’ YOU SOMEDAY BUT YOU RUINED IT FOREVER BY ASKING Guy, here you go. Be happy and free!
But I don’t think it’s a happy path to expect love to involve a lot of mind reading and then setting up little tests for each other to (probably) fail. There probably are some “I simply love to surprise people with flowers out of the blue!” people on earth, but there are way more of the “Yay, I am happy to buy some flowers sometimes, I knew that was a thing Some People liked but not that My Person liked it so much, this will be fun, I’m glad they asked!” people. And we will bring you flowers sometimes, if you ask.
7 “How to ask for financial assistance from my uncle.”
Weirdly, this search term comes up EVERY SINGLE TIME I look at my search terms, but I have never (as far as I know) answered it.
:DRAMATIC SOUND EFFECT:
My suggestion would be be very direct, specific, and get to the point. A mad lib:
I hope you are well.
Would you be willing and able to help me out with finances for [Reason you need the money]. The estimated amount I would need from you is [$$$$.$$. And yes, name the exact number, and name the maximum/most you would actually need right here, don’t underplay it to get someone to say yes with the expectation you can go back for more later], and I would ideally need it [when and how you need it paid, all at once, over time, once a year for x number of years, etc. Lay it all out clearly.].
[At this point, clarify whether you intend this to be a gift or a loan, and if it’s a loan, when and how you realistically expect to pay it back. Also offer to put any loan terms in writing].
Please let me know if you can help, I appreciate it so much.
In my experience, people can tell when you’re about to ask them for a favor, the more time you spend psyching yourself up to ask or pretending you contacted them for some other reason or overselling the thing, the less respectful it actually is in the end and the more the person will want you to get to the point. If it’s worth asking, ASK. Make it very easy for the person to know what they are saying yes or no to.
Good luck, Niblings of Earth!
8 “Calling sister a slut.”
Don’t. I frown upon this. I don’t think it’s a word you get to apply to other people, or use as an insult.
9 “Why does your fiancé keep his toxic father in his life?”
I don’t know. Lots of reasons: Loyalty, nostalgia, they think they have to, hope for a different ending, a little bit of a relationship feels better than none, having a toxic parent feels better than having no parents, not ready to let go/give up.
I’m a big fan of letting people make their choices about their own relationships while also setting boundaries about how much a toxic person is allowed to annoy/inconvenience/hurt/alarm YOU. Abusive people tell their victims what to do and how to feel, who they can and can’t have in their lives, and they are generally terrible at boundaries, so one way to counteract (not undo, unfortunately, but thwart) their abuse is to say “Babe, you can have whatever relationship with your dad you think is right for you, you’re the boss of all that! If you want to take a break from seeing him, I support you – I don’t think you have to let him into your life just ’cause he’s family if he doesn’t treat you right, and I also know that I don’t feel comfortable around him, so I’d prefer to not spend much time with him, if any. But it’s really up to you, if you want to see him, please do. This is where my boundary is, so you know.”
10 “How to tell my step dad my biological dad is walking me down the aisle.”
Obviously this is a glimpse of a longer, more complicated tale. Without knowing that tale, I’d say some guiding principles are 1) Assume nothing about who is ‘supposed to’ do what at a wedding and assume nothing about your stepdad’s likely expectations around that, ’cause he may not have any? and 2) When you talk to him about it, do it in terms of asking what you WOULD like him to do at your wedding.
Stepdad…knows…you have another dad? So, if it’s overall a good relationship, maybe instead of treating this like bad news that you’re breaking, you could say to Stepdad, “StepDad, I’m gonna have BioDad walk with me down the aisle, will you escort Mom, and then all three of you can stand there with me for the ‘who presents this person to be married?’ part?” (The truth of your relationships/relative affection for all/any of these people will be what they are even if they all stand with you for that moment).
I would also think about when/how you decide to communicate this depending on the relationship and how far away your wedding is. Depending on your aisle, the “walk down the aisle” is literally a few seconds and a photo-op, does the question of it need to hang over y’all for months at a time or is it something that can be sorted at the rehearsal, with a breezy, “Okay, you’re over here with me, you’re with Mom, glad all my Dads can be here, let’s do this thing, yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy, so happyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! (+ i.e. I’m getting married tomorrow and I goddamn dare someone to pick a fight with me about this)!” attitude. The benefit of delaying this decision (or at least delaying communicating it): If a grown-ass man/dad figure is likely to get angry/punish you/act super weird and possessive about who is walking you down the aisle at your wedding, you always have the option to walk yourself down.
11 (plus) “How to say you want a relationship on dating apps?”
Straightforwardly! I find the whole “I’m looking to have a long-term romantic relationship someday, but I’ve internalized that the only way to find someone is to fake that it never even occurred to me fall in love with any living creature before, lest I scare them off forever with my enthusiasm!” game to be second only to the “I know we said we were getting married and we share a household, so when are you going to SURPRISE! ask me to marry you, as a total surprise?” game in pointlessness and tedium.
Say what you want. For instance:
- “I’m interested in finding a long-term partner and I’m interested in meeting other people who are looking for the same thing.”
- “I’m on this app because I’m looking to meet people who might be a good match for me for a long-term committed relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to fill out an application and have an audition tape before we can meet for a drink, but if you’re looking for something more casual we’re probably not a great fit right now!”
- “I’d like to date people who are cool with at least the notion of getting married and having kids, ideally within the next decade. As fun as it is to bait and trap a series of reluctant, relentlessly single people into a lifetime of domestic partnership they never wanted, why not work less hard at this and just admit from the get go that we’d really like to fall in love someday, with someone?
I want the people like the determined child-free guy in this letter to find the child-free woman he’s looking for, without apology! And without wasting the time of people who want different things from life!
Looking over my inbox, there are lots of brave folks who want to meet new people to smooch (or emphatically Not Smooch) in 2019, so I adapted some of them into personal ads below. If you see your letter sort of adapted here (there are definitely composites), please know: I SEE YOU and I LOVE YOU and I WANT WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOU and I hope you will a) laugh b) feel seen and less alone c) feel like you can ask for whatever you really and truly want from your precious beautiful life, for real, just please say the thing you need even if it’s oddly specific or seems hopeless. Someone else is gonna see themselves here in what you wrote to me, and they may not be exactly your type/single/geographically feasible/into you, but you are not the only one who feels the way you do, I promise you.
Please enjoy (and freely copy/adapt) Some Highly Specific Dating Profiles I’d Like To See In 2019:
- FRIENDS FIRST FER SURE: “I think I’m a demisexual,which means I like to get to know people for a very long time before the idea of any sex is on the table. I’d love to fall in love and have sex and all of it someday, but I need to take all of that verrrrrrrrry slow, which can make being on sites like this pretty frustrating: Frustrating for you as you wait to see if I’ll bang you someday and frustrating for me (as I wait to see if I’ll bang you someday, as meanwhile I fall in love with my friends one by one). Any fellow sexual snails/turtles/other slow-moving-but-completely-adorable creatures out there want to go on some dates with me? As friends?”
- ACES IN (MEAT)SPACE: “I am asexual and looking for fellow local asexual people to meet and maybe snuggle with sometimes without pressure to do anything else about that. There has to be someone else on this app who is like ‘I think I want a romantic partner someday but not exactly in the way that most people mean that, so how do I even do this without it being soooooooooooooooo exhausting’, right? Everyone I know who identifies as ace is online and farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr away. They are wonderful, but a girl can’t live by Tumblr alone, so follow the ACE-beacon I’m flashing in the sky. I’ll buy the first bubble tea.”
- I AM YOUR WILLING SEXUAL HOUSEPLANT: “I’m an extremely horny, mildly kinky, bisexual polyamorous graduate student with a long-distance fiancé and almost no free time, looking for someone who wants to have a really fun sexy date ideally once a month, preferably every third Thursday between 3pm and 12 am (no sleepovers, I have an early class the next day) as well as a standing invite to the regular 2nd Sunday metamour community potluck and D&D game. Who else has a totally crap schedule and would like the occasional hot make-out session with someone smart and nice and low-maintenance, especially someone who will not give you sad puppy eyes when you return to your research for weeks at a time? P.S. HARD NO ‘people who just love debating.'”
- LET’S FIGURE THIS WHOLE DEAL OUT: “I’ve never dated anyone before, and at 28 I wanna go on some first dates but I don’t really know what I’m doing. What if we figured this out together? Let’s go dutch, do inexpensive fun things in the city, and not have too many expectations or preconceptions. Who’s with me? Maybe we’ll fall in love, maybe we’ll just help each other feel less weird about being alone and not really knowing ‘how’ to do this awkward thing everybody but me seems to already know how to do.”
- MILD AGORAPHOBIA AND EXTREMELY CUTE CATS: “Listen, it’s winter. It’s cold outside. I want to meet you! But I have a low-level anxiety disorder that makes it so that don’t want to leave my house more than I have to. What if we met up in public/with other friends around for safety reasons and after that we could skip right to “friends/dating for 1 year mode” where everybody wears very comfy clothes, you bring over books and craft projects or whatever you like doing, I make us soup or order delivery, we sit under warm blankets and watch good (or bad) television together? If sex & love follow, great? I’d probably be up for that? And I could come to your house sometimes, I guess? I just…I don’t want to go ‘on dates.’ I like to be at home, which I promise you, is as cozy and welcoming as it can possibly be.”
- NOT YOUR ______- 101 TUTOR. “I need to meet some fellow Gen-X queer and transgender POC lovelies who have figured at least some of their personal bullshit OUT. No disrespect to the newbies (I love y’all so much, but I just can’t right now), I need the people who ‘came out’ at least a decade ago, the ones who either figured out how to have a relationship with family or who wrote those jerks off. (I’m not playing the ‘No, where are you *really* from?‘ game with your Grandma ever again. I’m from Maryland.) Please also be… not a white person (I love…some…of you…so much, but I can’t right now), and please have a political agenda beyond making sure rich white Republican men who don’t give a single shit about the rest of us can claim each other on their taxes. If you have a therapist, great, if you’re on your 10th therapist, EVEN BETTER. I know I sound like a buzzkill but I promise I am a creature of joy and light (and really great shoes) and I swear we will have the BEST TIME. I’m just very tired of teaching unpaid impromptu Intro To The Local Scene workshops to the beautiful children and hungry to meet some grown folks. Let’s go to concerts and sit down in actual seats like God and my aching knees intended!”
- EQUAL PARTS HOPE AND RESENTMENT ABOUT HAVING TO BE HERE: “I’m divorced. You’re divorced. We both have kids. We did not think we’d ever be doing this dating thing again, we’re not sure we want to, but we’re starting to think that sometimes it would be nice to have someone smile at us, laugh at a joke we told, do a small nice thing for us again (and appreciate the reverse), or have an adult conversation. Does any of this sound good? Happy to schedule around custody stuff, I’ll save my ‘terrible ex’ stories for ‘not the first date’ if you will!”
- GRANDMA. SCHOOLTEACHER (RETIRED). BASS PLAYER (NOT RETIRED). “I may be old but I’m not dead. Swipe left if you think what’s playing on ‘the oldies’ station sounds like ‘that racket’ your adult kids used to play before they all moved out. Swipe right if you want to go to shows and confuse the young.”
It’s 2019. New year! New plan! Stop trying to be open to every possible person, stop worrying about what’s “normal,” you don’t want every possible person, you aren’t for every possible person, you are who you are and you want what you want. Own. It. The good responses will be better, the crappy ones will have to try harder (and at least be more entertaining), and maybe some of the people who are just gonna bore you or waste your time will pass you by.
This letter came in last week, and a lovely blog reader who will now be known as “The Girl Sparky” helpfully volunteered to tackle the “sudden unemployment” part of the question. Her answer is below the letter/the fold.
Here is my (Jennifer, Captain Awkward’s) one additional suggestion to her beautiful post, dear Fed Up Fed:
Consider emailing or calling your coworkers and getting them together for a pot-luck of some kind.
Back in 2003, when I was in the first year of my graduate program, our financial aid did not come in until Week 13 of a fifteen-week semester. I lived in the same city as the school and already had housing/friends/a romantic partner in Chicago, but a lot of the students relocated here without that and had to live for several months and undertake an expensive art form without knowing when the money would come through and without having anyone local to turn to. In addition to pulling out all the 2-for-1 Subway coupons in the Chicago Reader every week and being Sandwich Buddies between classes, another thing the group did was to gather informally at the apartment of one of us who had a big, centrally-located place (with no furniture in it)(but that’s another story)(good for dance parties!). People would bring “a food” or “a drink” with them. Cheap vodka worked well, we’d mix it with the seemingly unlimited supply of V-8 that this student could “borrow” from his Aunt’s nearby storage room and a little hot sauce (“So we don’t get scurvy!” was the joke-that-was-not-really-a-joke), the cooks among us would turn whatever random groceries were on offer into a few hot dishes – spaghetti, big pots of ramen dressed up with a little green onion, baked mac & cheese with frozen broccoli in – and we’d sit on milk crates and dance and tell stories and Not Starve for one more week.
Some of those people are lifelong friends, and some are not, but if anybody from that cohort knocked on my door right now and needed a hot meal and a couch and a shower and some V-8 (to avoid scurvy!), I would open the door, if only because of what we shared that year, because of how we got each other through it.
If what you’re feeling right now is LONELY, Fed Up Fed? Maybe your coworkers are, too, and maybe there is some warmth and light to be found in a couple of those magical cheap-ass giant pizzas from Aldi in the living room and something silly on TV and a no-obligation jar by the door where if people have a few $ they throw it in and together you take care of each other a little, and you take turns making sure the jar goes to the food pantry or to the coworker who needs a little help to get through the week.
That might not be possible or comfortable for you, so I offer it as a suggestion only, but if you’ve been demurring out of pride or worry about crossing those professional lines, I’d just say: We need each other. It’s okay to need each other.
I’ll let The Letter Writer (The Fed Up Fed) and The Girl Sparky take it from here.
Dear Captain Awkward,
I (she/her/hers) am one of the hundreds of thousands of government workers who is currently furloughed. I am very fortunate to be in a place financially where I can survive missing/late paychecks, and I am also very fortunate to know that I will be getting back pay, unlike contractors (which include all custodial and food service staff). I have a supportive partner, and several friends who are also furloughed. In many ways, I’m very well situated right now.
But, this is taking a major toll on my mental and emotional wellbeing. I do not do well with unstructured time, and my ideal level of social interaction is having people around me making some noise, and having short interactions throughout the day (ie: working in an office). I also am happiest when working on discrete, manageable tasks that build to a larger goal that has a purpose I support. The shutdown has destroyed this for me.
I’ve scheduled activities and left the house every day. I’ve taken advantage of the many free things my city has to offer. I’ve signed up for volunteer opportunities that use the skills I use at work (still waiting to be called back about those). But I’m finding myself in tears, feeling utterly miserable, and knowing that ideal solution–going back to work–is entirely out of my hands (I don’t even have a Member of Congress to call!). I love my job, so I’m not ready to give it up yet and look for another one. But I want to stop being miserable. And people telling me how much they’d enjoy time off and a long-term vacation isn’t making it easier.
Do you have any tips for dealing with this?
Fed Up Fed
Dear Captain Awkward,
Thanks so much for this blog! I read most of the archives during a recent overnight hospital stay and it really helped keep me entertained. I (she/her pronouns are fine) was a year away from completing my dissertation when my body rebelled. I have two very large liver adenomas, larger than the doctors have seen before. Thankfully my parents live in a city renowned for its hospitals and took me to consults. I had to immediately go on medical leave in September but was hoping to return in the spring. Unfortunately the adenomas are extra stubborn. I’ve had two embolization procedures and I’m in for another two before the surgeon can operate (one of them is in a really risky place and she could hurt me if she tried). With the extra hospital time, she recommended that I extend my leave, so I did.
Everyone congratulated me on how well I’m handling things, but I don’t feel that way. I feel constantly fatigued, I’ve been in a lot of pain, I feel like I’m losing my identity as a scholar and I’ve been living with my parents during the week in case one of these stupid things ruptured. I’ve had to spend a lot of time away from my wife, which has killed both of us. Luckily the surgeon says I should be safe to go home for longer periods now. I’m just wondering how I stay afloat. With a massive surgery looming in May, applying for summer jobs is now unlikely. My father has been helping me financially and I am so grateful. I’m just depressed. I’m done with hospitals, needles and the whole mess. I’m even getting depressed over stupid things like getting denied for a credit card. I feel like I’m a drain on everyone around me and I can’t even contribute academically anymore. I’m writing a 3500 word paper for a big conference in April and even that is a struggle.
My advisor has told me not to worry about the dissertation unless I feel completely up to it, but I would feel better if I could bang out a chapter draft. Therapy would probably help and I was seeing someone before this went down but she wasn’t very effective and then I’ve had to spend so much time in my parents’ city that I haven’t been able to go to appointments anyway. I am also on medication and have been since I was 16. I know that what I need to do is be nice to myself and for the first few months I could do that, but now I’m having trouble. Thanks for everything you do.
Eeyore’s got a bum liver
My quirky, genius, self-centered, deeply insecure, pathological boundary pushing mother took my 5 year old “out” without telling me while we were visiting over the holiday.
I didn’t know where he was, he was in his pajamas (it was 40 degrees out), she did not have a jacket for him. She did not have a *carseat* for him. I ran around her house and yard in a panic trying to find him before my sibling suggested she might have him. She wouldn’t answer my texts or calls but did answer when sibling called her, she said she would drive slowly on surface streets (so it’s totes fine!), and that she was coming right back. My dad worried I would over react and send her into a depressive episode.
When I asked my 5 year old about it he said he wanted to tell me before they left, but she seemed mad when he suggested it, so he thought he should just do what she said.
So husband and I decided she’s so fired she can’t ever be unsupervised with our kids, and probably we won’t stay at their house anymore. But setting this hard of a line puts awkwardness on my (mostly) rad dad, and some amount of awkwardness on the rest of the family who think I’m taking it too far.
I did tell her “Never Again” and “I Can’t Possibly Think Of Every Boundary That Needs Setting” and “I Don’t Know How To Feel Safe With You Around My Kids”. She says she’s very sorry and just that she didn’t want to deal with the logistics of taking kid out for an adventure. She says she didn’t realize my anxiety was that limiting (spoiler, I don’t have an anxiety disorder). When I said if something happened to my kid while with her that “would be the end of our relationship” she said she didn’t realize the stakes were so high. But Captain, the stakes are absolutely that high.
I don’t think I’m over reacting, but am I over reacting? Or is my mom the most fired? Can we just decide never to stay there again and let the chips fall? She does a many rad things but they don’t cancel frequent Super Bad Judgment Boundary Smashing. Can I still accept gifts from her that don’t smash boundaries? Why does my mom suck this hard?
Sad, Hurt, and Angry