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Families

Hello! It’s time to answer a bunch of short questions on a Friday. Here’s the thread from last time and here’s how it works:

  • Patrons can submit questions at this thread (Advantage: More than 280 characters).
  • Anyone can submit questions anytime via Twitter – @CAwkward, #awkwardfriday. Please use the hashtag, my mentions are busy enough that I might miss it without.
  • Deadline for questions for this week is noon, Chicago time, Friday, Oct. 12. If a question comes in after that, I try to include it next time.
  • I answer as many questions as I can between noon & 2pm. If I think something is too much/too big for the venue, I’ll tell you and we’ll figure something else out.
  • I’m asking people not not submit questions about abuse & sexual harassment & violence in these short answer threads.
  • Comments open when everything is posted.

Since we were talking so much about fashion this week, here is a kitten hate-modeling his shark Halloween costume:

danielshark.jpg

Getting the feeling Daniel Striped Jason Mendoza Tiger does not want to be a shark.

danielsharksad.jpg

Shark-bonnet available on Etsy should you also want to make a portrait series called “Resignation.”

Here is another kitten hate-modeling her Halloween costume:

henriettapirate

The Dread Pirate Henrietta Kim Wexler Pussycat. Hat available from this Etsy seller should you wish to also photograph “Betrayal” in its truest form.

Hint: If you rub catnip all up inside the hats it buys you 45 more seconds of photography, for a total of 90 seconds before they rip the things off and bite them.

Looking forward to your questions! These are really fun to do and I love how much ground we cover.

Q1: My partner and I have been long distance for years, and it’s going to be more years. I love them very much but I feel so lonely. It’s like being single but only the bad parts. I’m also really into someone else. How do I know whether to stick with it or leave?

A1: If you’ve ever read this blog before you know I think you can have strong feelings of love and loyalty for someone and still decide that they aren’t a person you can create a happy, stable life with.

Whenever I get a “I’m torn between two partners” or “How long should I stay in this situation” question my automatic suggestion is to daydream about what you want your life to look like (where do you want to live, do you imagine sharing that home with a partner, what do you want money to be like, do you want to have kids, how do you want to spend your time, are you doing everything you want to with your education and career, what are your friendships & family relationships & social life like). Does staying in your relationship as it is make you feel more confident and happy about your life and your plans for your life? A lot of times we use the question of romantic relationships & where it’s all going as an excuse or a barrier to doing stuff we need to do for ourselves, or as a reason to put things off for someday.

Q2: Any tips for a single straight lady trying to motivate herself to do online dating in Trump’s America? It may be that I spend too much time on Twitter, but I’m having a hard time remembering “not all men.”

A2: If a straight single dude of voting age is in the USA right now and he’s not doing everything in his power to turn out the vote* for the midterms so we have some hope of putting a check on some of the worst of it, why should he even get to make eye contact with you in the next 27 days? (*Or some other concrete form of activism)

Ask me again after November 6.

Q3: Happy Friday, Cap’n! How do I handle coworkers cutting their nails and flossing in the office? I’m a contract worker at a small company, and I’m the youngest there and conflict-avoidant (she/her pronouns). Two coworkers do this, one being the president of the company! My desk is in the hallway and they both have offices. I don’t think I can ask this of the president, but I once asked if I could close my other co-worker’s door while he cut his nails and he seemed genuinely surprised it bothered me. Should I keep doing that? Can I also tell him “hey, I would prefer if you washed your hands before handling equipment we are both touching after you floss?” Please send help!

A3: This is one of those “yep, this is gross and people should really do this in private” questions but also one of those “choose your battles” and “your relative power to these people matters, esp. since you’re a contractor” questions.

Like, you’re correct that the company president isn’t gonna make it a priority, and it could damage your relationship to even bring it up.

As for the other coworker, who expressed surprise when you closed his door, did he start closing his door himself after that or does he keep right on going as if it never happened? I think “Hey, could you wash your hands between flossing and touching equipment?” is a reasonable ask if this is a situation that keeps cropping up, but I can’t promise you it will be friction free for you. They think what they’re doing is normal and you’re the weird one.

Sometimes it helps to present it as a personal quirk and own being The Weird One, like, “It’s my weird quirk, just can’t stand the sound!” or “I know it’s my weird quirk, but I really can’t watch anyone floss.” “Yep, I’m super touchy about it, appreciate your help, thanks!” Are you able to absent yourself from the situation until it’s over, like, “Oh is it nail-clipping time? I’ll be back in a bit” and use that time to take a tea break?

Q4: I moved near my aunt & uncle about a year ago (I’m in the city, they’re just outside in the suburbs) and since then they’ve been incredibly generous toward me. They know I’m essentially living paycheck-to-paycheck (I’m a recent grad) and since they don’t have any children and are fairly well-off, they’ve been doing lovely things to help me out such as taking me out for nice meals, helping me buy bulk groceries, gifting me beautiful older pieces of furniture and even offering to sell me one of their cars for a very discounted rate once my trash car kicks the bucket (likely to happen soon). I house sit/watch their cat for them when they’re out of town, but I want to do more to pay them back for their generosity. They’ve been such a help to me this past year and show no intention of stopping. I try to invite them into the city and treat them for dinner, but my uncle always gets to the check first and insists on them paying! I know they can afford to do all these great things for me, and they want to, but if you or the commenters have any ideas on how else I can express my appreciation, I welcome suggestions!

A4: First, trust that it is their pleasure to do nice things for you. Second, because they know your finances and are in a position to pick up the check, they’re not gonna let you pay for things like dinner out. Which leaves you with:

  • Spend time with them!
  • Send periodic nice handwritten thank you card when they buy you groceries or do something else nice for you!
  • Keep watching their cat & house sitting!
  • Next time you house sit, right before they come home, take an hour to dust the place well and vacuum the floors and otherwise tidy things so the place is fresh and welcoming. Maybe even buy some flowers.

Q5: My first marriage was to a jerk, and is thankfully over. My current sweetie is delightful, and plans to propose soon (this is not speculative, I’ve been included in ring consultations with the jeweler, etc.) BUT my ex proposed on October 22… scripts for asking that he not propose on/near that date? I don’t want the new memories tainted by the last mess.

A5: “I don’t want to ruin any ‘surprises’ you have planned, but can you give me a sense of timing, and if possible, can we do the ‘surprise!’ in November?”

Q6: Occasionally (maybe once every few weeks) my mom will leave a comment on one of my posts or send me a message phrased as a curt, abrupt demand instead of a request. For example, she commented “Ingredients please!” on a photo of my lunch, or texted “Show me your new apartment!” a few days after I had moved. We had not been talking about my new apartment. I cannot express how much this annoys me and puts me on edge. Do you have any scripts for setting and enforcing a boundary around this in a mature and loving way, when I can’t even quite articulate to myself why it annoys me so bad? I don’t want her to stop asking me things altogether, but I very much want her to stop talking to me like I’m the computer on Star Trek.

A6: “Did you mean that as a question?” “Mom, why are you talking to me as if I’m Alexa?”

Q7: No question for you, but Daniel is sooooooo cute!

A7: He’s a total sweetheart. I can’t believe they’ll be 6 months at the beginning of November.

Q8: Applying for a university teaching job. The ad says that they encourage applicants with career interruptions for parental leave, do I point out my career interruption with that cause? Or stick with the strategy of avoiding all hints of family?

A8: It’s great that the institution is encouraging this. In your cover letter, I would make the strongest possible case for yourself based on your credentials, accomplishments, and experience and if you address this, somewhere toward the end/in the paragraphs where you talk about being excited to work with them, compliment them for making explicitly family-friendly practices (WHICH ARE HUMAN BEING-FRIENDLY PRACTICES, LET’S BE CLEAR) part of their recruiting. Best of luck!

Q9: Etiquette Q: When you have guests helping clean up dishes, who gets to say how to load the dishwasher? Defer to the guests because they’re guests helping out, or defer to the host, because it’s their dishes/dishwasher? 

A9: Let it be written and spoken, unto the furthest corner of the land:

If you are hosting dinner guests who offer to help clean up, and you care enough about how the dishwasher is loaded that you would even consider offering verbal instructions in this case (vs. waiting until they’ve left to privately rearrange it yourself), because you are unwilling to let even one load be run with the “wrong” configuration, then you should commit now and forever to a lifetime of doing the dishes your damn self.

And if you are a dinner guest who is helping clean up after a party, and you wish to instruct or correct your hosts on the way to load their dishwasher, I hope you like eating alone for the rest of time (because this is what you deserve from now on).

May the Kindly Ones be gentle with you and with us all.

Q10: Hi there. This question is from a Twitter mutual with her permission. She’s been skipping a particular class due to whispered racist comments by classmates being traumatizing, and wonders how to explain this to her prof.

A10: How awful for her! She should go to office hours and tell the prof what happened, but first she may want to check the school handbook’s language on racist harassment and at least identify the administrative office that handles complaints about this on campus.

It would help if she’s documented who, when, what was said, who also heard it, and anything else about context. Document = written the details down somewhere with a date attached to it.

She should also go into the meeting with an idea of what she would like the professor to do about it and not assume that they know what to do next. Does she want her seat moved? Does she want a way to make up material she missed those days and to have those absences excused? Does she want the offenders talked to or disciplined? Does she want an alternative way to complete the class?

If the professor has been trained in teaching at all (big if!) they may not have been trained in what to do about this. We all get handbooks with harassment policies when we’re hired and sometimes those get updated, but that’s it – students can’t depend on professors having been trained to deal with situations like this. It’s unfair and fucked up, but it’s where we are, so knowing that can help your friend get the most from the meeting. It also means she should document the discussions she has with the prof at the meeting in case she needs to follow up with the school because the prof’s solution was “grow a thicker skin” or some bullshit.

I hope it goes well. Nobody should have to deal with that behavior from classmates.

Q11: A teenage relative recently moved in with my partner and I. She’s a pretty cool kid who is unable to live with her mother because of Reasons. I think we’re doing all right with the basics: warm bed, meals, inclusion, listening. But as a person with zero experience as parent/guardian, what might we be forgetting about? Are there legal, administrative, financial things that need to get sorted? Or just really simple things that not everyone thinks of? She’s shy about asking for things from us, understandably. I’d also really appreciate hearing from commenters who are parents, or who changed homes in their teen years. 

A11: I’m hoping commenters have detailed insight here – the first thing that comes to mind is yes, there are definitely legal things to sort out, like making sure that you have legal standing as her guardian (in case of emergency) and that the school also has you documented as such.

Q12: Ahoy, Cap’n! I have a middle school level dating question even though I’m (she/her) an adult in my early 30s. I’ve been seeing a GREAT guy for the past few weeks – so kind, funny, witty, distinctly not an asshole, great conversationalist…we get along like peaches and cream. And I feel physically drawn to him! But unfortunately, he is bad at The Stuff. I want to kiss him! But when I do, it’s just…not pleasant. Sometimes it verges on actual discomfort. I don’t know what to do with this. It makes me particularly fraught given that I had been dating another guy not too long ago that was the best, hottest, easiest sex of my life – and truth be told, I miss it. I know this new guy doesn’t have a lot of experience, so I’m very sensitive to hurting his feelings/pride/whatever about this, but I just can’t continue with the bad kissing, I like kissing way too much. But I also like HIM as a PERSON and that is really important to me too. Is this something that can be discussed gracefully and maybe even improved over time? Or is this just a fundamental incompatibility? What do?

A12: Sometimes we seem to luck out with a partner here & there whose instincts match what we didn’t even know we needed and it just all happens wordlessly and it’s accidentally just right (what Erica Jong famously called “the zipless fuck”). Well, we luck out until we move on to a new partner and find we don’t have the practice or skills to say “not so much pressure, more like this!” When you’re feeling discomfort during any sexual/romantic activity, you gotta be able to put the brakes on and redirect! Nobody has to be a “bad” kisser or sexy stuff partner for a thing that was really hot that one time to be not so hot now, or for somebody’s knee to get in a weird position. We’ve all got bodies, bodies are weird, and  “not so much with that, let’s try this instead” has to become part of everybody’s vocabulary, both to say and to hear!

We all start somewhere. This guy isn’t experienced, so, you are his experience and you can be a good one. Maybe try saying “Can I show you how I really like to be kissed?” and then take the lead and demonstrate. And be specific: “I really like when you put your hands here.” “I really like to go slow.” “I really like this much tongue/not that much.” 

One of my favorite early-dating memories with Mr. Awkward was the night we created a hilarious catalogue of purposefully terrible kissing and gave it all names – “The Dentist,” “The Somnambulist,” “The Prober,” etc. He and I had excellent baseline kissing compatibility, but giving names to the stuff we didn’t like helped confirm what we did. I offer this up to you as a fun kissing game.

Q13: We see so many examples of bad relationship modeling on the big/ small screen. Any examples of movies or TV that do relationships right? The Addams Family? The Santa Clarita Diet? What else?

A13: This is a great question that someone should compile (and get paid) to write as a Buzzfeed or Bitch or Bustle pitch. T’Challa & Nakia?

IDK, while I love The Addams Family, to give you an idea how much this is not the criteria that I use to guide my personal escapist viewing consumption, the last two movies I watched were A Star Is Born (the new one, maybe someday I’ll get ‘Shallow’ out of my head but not today) and Three Colors: White (I don’t want to spoil it, but married people gettin’ revenge on each other is definitely a theme).

Q14: Hey Cap! It’s a year since I broke up with my exhausting ex! What’s some good music to add to my “I Am So Angry At Men” playlist? Thanks lots!

A14: I have recent experience that Tori Amos’s Precious Things will make the men very quiet and the women all sing along when you do it at karaoke: “I WANNA SMASH THE FACES/OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL BOYS/THOSE CHRISTIAN BOYS AIEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Q15: My (long distance) partner is planning on moving over early next year and we’re planning on moving in together. I think I’ve figured out how to support him in building his own local social groups through your other blog posts but I’m wondering if you have any tips on how I can remind myself to step back and not try and do this for him. I know I’m going to need time to maintain my own social network and because I’ll be working and he’ll be at home job hunting I know I’ll feel bad if I’m out and he’s alone some evenings too!

A15: Hi, I do have tips on that, because you are talking about a move that hasn’t even happened yet and you’re already doing emotional labor about whether another adult person will make his own friends! Is he doing anything about this, like, seeing what groups & activities meet his own interests in your area? Also, what does he do with his free time/hobbies/sports/interests now? (I ask b/c how social he tends to be is unlikely to change).

What you can do is nurture and invest in your own social life, of which he is part but not all.

What you can do after he moves is make it clear that you’re glad he’s here and plan time with him, invite him along to some things, but also make it clear that you want to do your own thing sometimes, and keep doing those alone- or friends- things that make you happy.

And if he’s lonely, he can make some friends or find social stuff to do!

Until he does stuff, do zero stuff! (And maybe not even then!)

That’s all for this week, happy weekend, happy commenting, happy dressing your pets in costumes. Comments are open. Moderation will be light over the weekend, as usual, so if something gets stuck in the spam trap don’t panic – I’ll set it free as I can.

Hello!

I’m sorry, this is complicated. I am in my late thirties and have fallen in love for the first time in my life. We have been in love for a year. I believe he is the love of my life, which I have never believed about anybody, and he believes that I am his. He still lives with his ex-wife and their three children. This made me hesitant at first, but we have been so open, honest and intimate that I trust him.

His ex-wife suffers from depression which renders her unable to work, unable to care for the children, and unable to take care of household tasks. They have been living together, divorced, with him taking care of her and the children for several years. He does not like this, but believes it is best for the children. I am happy to live separately and I don’t want kids of my own, and I trust him, so I am fine with that situation.

However, his ex-wife is hoping that he will eventually come back to her. When we fell in love, he asked me to keep our relationship secret for a while, wanting to wait for when she was on an uptick so that he could break the news to her that he is seeing someone. He is also wary because one of the kids has explicitly said that he does not want his parents to date anyone else (although he hasn’t said that in the past year). So I agreed to keep us secret until the right time.

The other day, he came to me absolutely shaking, like he had just walked away from a plane crash or something. He told me that he tried to take up with his ex that he would like to start dating other people. His ex had a complete breakdown and told him that if he dates anyone else, she will move out and have the kids every other week. He couldn’t let that happen, partly because he can’t bear to be without his kids so often and partly because she won’t care for them when it is her turn. He was also panicking too much from her breakdown. So he promised her that he would not date anybody else.

Now he is asking me to keep our relationship secret for 10ish years, until the kids are grown. He feels extremely guilty for asking me this, and says he understands perfectly if I don’t agree to it, but he seems to think it’s the best option for the situation. I don’t think it’s good for the kids for a parent to keep such a huge secret from them, but that’s not my call to make. I also think this is preventing his ex from moving on with her life and her love life, but that’s also not my call to make. Having a secret relationship for 10ish years sounds horrible for both of us, and of course there is the risk we will be caught. I think his solution is terrible, but I don’t have a better suggestion. Does anyone have a better idea?

Sincerely,
A person with a she pronoun

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Good morning! We’re doing the thing today!

To ask a question, patrons can post to this thread and anyone can reach me on Twitter (@CAwkward, #AwkwardFriday). Submissions close at noon Chicago time, at which point I’ll answer as many as I can between then and 1pm.

Comments are open! So many great questions! Thanks everyone.

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Sorry about the premature postulation of the draft version yesterday.

Dear Captain Awkward,

I’ve just said yes to marry my Mr Right. Our friendship is the most important part of our relationship, so although there are some imbalances in the emotional workload, these are usually corrected after a stern talking-to – which can be delivered by either one of us. He often discourages me from giving favours to people ‘not worth the time’; e.g. friends who won’t return the favour, or a task that’ll cause me grief. He encourages me to stand up for myself, and is equally infuriated by the fact my mother thinks our wedding wishes are optional/plan B.

My mother started off small: changing the time of year from January (our anniversary) to May because of the weather. I agreed and my fiancé and I agreed on a Friday before a Bank Holiday weekend. When I told her this, she told me to change it again… *deep breath*… because my sister (currently in university) is going to be a teacher and wouldn’t be able to make it on a Friday. I told her hard cheese. Friday suits me better because cost, availability, plans etc. I said that if being there for me on my day wasn’t important enough for my sister to book a day off work that she’s not even got yet, I didn’t want to inconvenience her by asking her to come. Mother tried guilt tricks but as fiancé’s mum is also a teacher and said it wouldn’t be a problem; that issue has been shut down.

My mother then told me that I had to change the venue if I wanted a Catholic wedding. I said that it was important for my fiancé and I to marry at the venue we’d chosen… she spoke to my home parish priest behind my back and is leaving me to deal with the fallout of that.

Now, she wants to organise my bridesmaids. She doesn’t know them well and there are two she would rather I didn’t include. When I lived with them, their idea of clean and mine were on completely different planets, causing my mental health to depreciate. Unsolicited, she has suggested a way I can exclude them without upsetting them: ‘Sorry, my sister is going to be my only bridesmaid.’

There are a couple of flaws in her plan. First, I actually want my friends to be standing up with me on the happiest day of my life. Secondly, my sister is one of those people I would not like to have standing up there with me.

Due to past (still raw) issues that I have with my sister, I have said she will not be MOH. We are (I am) trying to mend these issues but I cannot trust her to have my best interests at heart nor be happy to give up her time helping me plan a day that is not about her. Did I say happy? I can’t trust her NOT to be upset about planning a day that isn’t about her.

She criticised my fiancé to me, claiming she would start to like him when they have a close relationship. She expects him to put in all the work to their relationship, which is also how she expects me to improve our relationship. Fiancé’s response: hard cheese.

She is totally unaccountable and has not apologised for recently telling me I would be a terrible mother to any children I might have. The last time she spoke about this argument: ‘You’re my sister and I know you can take it. In that moment, I just wanted to hurt you, but I don’t anymore so we’re okay, right?!’

Because of my fatal flaw as THE REASONABLE ONE, my mother believes that I’m the key to fixing this relationship. There is no expectation for, I don’t know, my sister growing a freaking conscience!

Despite this, I am prepared to accept my sister in my wedding party because she is my sister and if the situation was reversed I’d still want to be there for her. I am only comfortable with this because of said friends volunteering to buffer for me in case issues arise. I need TEAM ME to be strong because I will try to make the smoothest route and I don’t want to negotiate with my mother over MY DAY. But it seems that my mother wants to scatter TEAM ME and recruit me to team sister. This makes me angrier that I can even express. I’ve taken steps to start creating boundaries with both of them but with wedding planning all this progress seems to have flown out of the window.

This is just the start of my planning process. I’m sure that there will be a million other decisions my fiancé and I make that my mother will try to change. I’m sure there’s also a million freaking hurdles my sister will expect me to jump to guarantee she doesn’t get hurt feelings. There’s definitely a sense that I’m getting married AT HER, as she’s never had a boyfriend.

So, scripts. I need one that will help me avoid issues with my sister while being able to enjoy myself because this is the one day I’m going to get where I can demand that it’s about me. I’ve been trying scripts with my mother but whenever I talk about how important things are to me, she reminds me that it’s ‘tradition that the bride’s parents pay’. Translation: if I don’t like it, your father isn’t paying for it.

The last script I have yet to try is also the one that will hurl me from the family tree: “You’ve had two weddings, let me have one!”

Sincerely,

Don’t want to be my own something blue

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Dear Captain Awkward,

My best friend (Willow, she/her) and her wife (Tara, she/her) are about to start a family. (I am writing to you at Willow’s request, and she has approved the contents of this letter). They are anticipating some intrusive and inappropriate questions, since this process will involve a sperm donor, and I was hoping you could help with some scripts to shut that down. Both Willow and Tara come from somewhat conservative families, who have not always been 100% supportive of their relationship, and who also tend to trample any boundaries they set. This is on top of the fact that a lot of people, even those motivated by care or innocent curiosity, seem to feel entitled to personal and medical information when a pregnancy is involved. Neither Willow nor Tara is comfortable discussing their process of creating a baby—how often are straight couples asked intimate questions about how their babies were conceived?—with family members, co-workers, acquaintances, etc., no matter how well-meaning the questioner. Having met some of their family members before, I can attest to the fact that “That is a very personal question *awkward silence*” will not work on everybody. Some of them will interpret that as an invitation to justify the question and/or ask it again in a different way. Do you have any ideas for ways to shut down this line of questioning that will make it clear that it is inappropriate without alienating the questioner?

Thank you for your help!

Sincerely,

Concerned Friend/Future Cool Aunt (she/her)

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Hello, it’s on!

Patrons can submit questions here (advantage: 1st dibs, more words). Anyone/Everyone can submit on Twitter (@CAwkward, #awkwardfriday), questions close at noon Chicago time, I answer as many as I can and update as I go between noon and 1pm. Whatever I don’t have time for gets held over for next week. Comments open once everything is posted.

This is also the last day (for a while, at least) that I remind folks about supporting the site. You can become a patron or send a donation anytime, of course, but these biannual reminder drives really help me be able to plan out nice things! One of these nice things: I’m officially hiring a graphic designer and a proofreader/formatter to put the finishing touches on an e-book of previously-published columns called #ThisF-ing Guy (And How To Avoid Him), so I can make it available before the end of the year. Thank you so much for all the support so far. This site is a labor of love, but it is labor, and it feels so great to be able to say “I run a fan-supported advice website.”

Cue the jazz flute which, I confess I started out including as a humorous homage to the NPR and WGBH-Boston pledge drives of my youth and my middle-school bad flute playing, but then I ended up listening to a crapload of jazz flute on YouTube this week, and now I’m like “JAZZ FLUTE IS AWESOME, MOAR JAZZ FLUTE PLEASE.” Proving that irony will lose out to sincerity every damn time.

Let’s begin: Talking to the neighbors about misbehaving kids, KITTENS, ADHD and learning to take compliments, bickering family/feeling bad about interacting with family, crushes (it’s okay to just ignore them!), when do you know if couples’ counseling is working, how to therapy, when to say ‘I love you’, drop-in houseguests, parents who want you to be their therapist, compliments that aren’t compliments.

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