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York, United Kingdom Meetup on April 3

By
March 30, 2019
Events, Meetups, Uncategorized
2 Comments

Details from your organizer, Agne:

Meetup in York, United Kingdom

When: Wednesday, 3rd April, 6pm

Where: Cafe at City Screen Picturehouse, 13–17 Coney Street, York YO1 9QL. Directions here.

Venue: The cafe is on the ground floor of the picture house. They serve cake, beer, tea and hot food. Both the venue and the toilets are fully accessible by wheelchair.

How to find us: They do not reserve tables, so I will turn up early and take up the biggest table I can get (I’ll try for sofas). I wear glasses with bright blue frames and I will have animal figurines on the table.

What to bring: Anything you want! Knitting, colouring, games, cards. Bring it all. Or nothing. Let’s talk!

Contact me on: dalelocalATtutanotaDOTcom and I will send you my phone number just in case.

Have a great time!

 

#1188: Grief and the empty chairs at the wedding feast.

By
March 19, 2019
bygones, death, Events, Families, family, Manners, Reader Questions, rejection
144 Comments

Dear Captain Awkward,

After almost a year of planning, we’re in the home stretch before my wedding day in early May. Everything was lining up smoothly until I reached out for RSVPs that hadn’t been received yet, namely my stepdad, my aunt, and my grandmother (my dead mom’s sister and mother). These are my only family members from mom’s side of the family. And I was informed that none of the three are coming. My stepdad says he “doesn’t feel up to it” but honestly we’re not super close so I kind of get it; my aunt can’t afford it (no loss there, honestly, she’s a pain).

My grandmother at first said she can’t afford to come. When I offered to pay her way, it became “well I just cain’t (said in an East Texas drawl)”. I’m not proud of it but I was sobbing on the phone with her. She then wrote me a passive-aggressive letter, full of “I” statements, talking about how she has all these wonderful memories of going and doing things for and with me throughout my childhood. I’m glad for her to have those memories. Problem is, the memory I’m going to get to keep with me for the rest of my life is that she couldn’t be arsed to make an effort for me. I’m feeling really abandoned and very, very sad. Am I off base here? How do I let this go (short of going in to therapy for it – I already am looking for a new therapist after a little over a year out of therapy because of insurance reasons)? I also haven’t spoken to her since the phone call where I cried – she hasn’t called me, and I don’t know what I would say if I called her. After the letter, I’m not even convinced I want to talk to her.

I guess what I desire right now is to be told I’m not insane to be hurt by this, because past-trauma-brain is gaslighting me super hard right now and I’m tired of crying every time I think about it.

Fucking why.

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Meetups: NYC (March 16) and Perth (March 17)

By
March 12, 2019
Events, Meetups

New York, assemble!

NYC March Meetup!
Hello NYC Awkwardeers!
What: Captain Awkward NYC meetup
When: Saturday, March 16th, 2019, 3pm onward
Where: Think Coffee, 123 4th Avenue, Manhattan
Feel free to bring games/board games, crafts, or just your wonderful selves!
We’ll meet at Think Coffee at 123 4th Avenue on Saturday, February 9th starting at 3pm. It is right by the 14th Street – Union Square Station on the 4, 5, 6, L, N, Q, W or R trains. The platforms for the L, N, Q, W, and R trains at this station are wheelchair accessible. The platform for the 4, 5, and 6 trains at this station is NOT wheelchair accessible. Think Coffee is on street level with an accessible bathroom.  They serve coffee, tea, soups, sandwiches and baked goods.  They have vegan options.
I will be wearing an orange hat and will be knitting a white hat or reading a book. I’ll be sure to have a little sign that says Captain Awkward so you can find me. Feel free to email me with any questions or to let me know you’re coming. My email is ciaonsd@gmail.com
I’m looking forward to meeting you soon/seeing everyone who came last month!
-Natalia

Perth, you’re invited! 

Friends of Captain Awkward meetup – Perth, Australia

When:

Sunday 17th March, 2pm

Where:
Gino’s Cafe

1-5 South Terrace
Fremantle WA

Details:
BYO craft or colouring in activity, and/or just come along to have a coffee and chat with other fans of this blog.

How to find us:
I (Jess) will get there 5-10 early and put a sign on the table that says FOCA. I have dark brown hair.

Questions? Suggestions for future meetups? 

Please join our discussion thread in the Meetups section of the Friends of Captain Awkward forums. (Note: you will need to log in to the FOCA forum to see the thread).
Have a wonderful time.

#1180 & #1181: Graduation Days

By
February 25, 2019
Abuse, boundaries, Culture, Events, Families, family, Manners, Overthinking It, Parents, Reader Questions, self-care
165 Comments

Dear Captain,

I’m graduating from college very soon, and I’ll be the first in my immediate family to do so. This road has been a long one, and I am so happy to finally be done. I’ve had amazing support from key people in my life, aka: My Home Team– a mix of family and chosen family.

In an ideal world, my Home Team would have an exclusive invite to the graduation ceremony/dinner. I have a hard time with Big Life Events, and my last graduation ceremony did not go well, so this is bringing up *things* for me. Having only the people there who make me feel comfortable would help a lot.

There are people not on the Home Team who are expecting to be invited. Here are the problems:

– My mom is currently housing a family member who has some serious mental health/addiction issues. This person would expect to come to any graduation events. I do not want this as this person takes up a fair amount of emotional space and makes me/others feel awkward.

– My in-laws also wish to attend from out-of-state. This would mean they would have to stay at our house, for at least 3-4 days (hotel is not really an option). My in-laws are nice people (and they are very excited for me), but I have difficulty spending time with them, let alone hosting them in my house. They often make me feel uncomfortable with the way they talk to/about me. There are more detailed issues here surrounding money, religion, and general boundaries (in-laws, go figure). Also, they have sort of already invited themselves. My husband would be a buffer for some of this but he can’t mitigate everything.

– I have packaged group of cousins who I’m not close with but who have invited me to their events, and I feel obligated to reciprocate. Some of them are very nice, but some of them are awful (like blatantly racist/homophobic/sexist) and their presence would mean that the other people listed above would definitely have to be invited. It would be an obvious slight if they weren’t.

I feel like I only have a few choices here:
1) Lie and tell everyone that I only have limited graduation tickets so as to only invite the Home Team. This would be a very obvious lie. These things can be Googled.
2) Try as delicately as possible to not invite the people listed above. Deal with the emotional fallout, not just for myself, but for my husband and mom, for whom this would be awkward as well.
3) Suck it up and invite everyone and deal with my feelings on my own.

I have a hard time telling others what I want (even/especially with my Home Team), so the “do nothing and internalize” option feels easiest. In theory, this should be simple. You invite everyone and they show up and stay in their emotional lanes. Instead of focusing on this exciting thing, I feel like I’m playing Emotional Traffic Director when I want to be playing Happy College Graduate.

Are there options I’m not seeing? Am I an immature person for even wanting to not invite people I don’t like? I am being a spoiled ass who needs to grow up and not make this about me?

Thank you,
Sad Grad
*(29 yr old, female)

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The Half-Assed Activist, Chicago Storytelling Events (with 1 reschedule, hence the re-post), and other links.

By
January 30, 2019
Events, Mental Health, Patreon, writing
19 Comments

Hi readers, I’ve started writing a series of posts about caring for mental health while engaging with the rocky political situation in the US over at my Patreon site. Financial support is always appreciated (and how we get to not look at ads when we hang out here), but this particular content is free for anyone to read and share.

Posts so far in the series:

I’m still messing about a bit with Patreon rewards that can be both maximally attractive to you and sustainably delivered by me. I will be reviving the Search Terms posts and the Friday Short Answers very very soon, but for now I’m also going with: MORE CONTENT, as I realized in December when all my attempts to answer reader questions started turning into book chapters (alas, not from any of the same books) or Twitter rants that a slight separation between “the advice blog that I dearly love writing” and “ALL OF JENNIFER’S THOUGHTS, EVER” might be wise, if only to keep *myself* a little more organized.

In other news, if you missed it, a bunch of people who write advice columns talked to each other about our processes over at BuzzFeed Content notes apply for mentions of abuse, animal harm, and something called “the jizzcliner.” Next time I’d love to hear from ¡Hola Papi!, Dearly Beloved, Asking Bear, Everyone Is Gay, for starters, the advice column form is rich and varied right now.

If you’re in Chicago, Mr. Awkward is telling a story at The Stoop’s Six Year Anniversary Show on January 31  postponed until Tuesday, Feb 5, same venue, same everything, different levels of cold! (I think it’s about how his dad founded a second franchise of the family), and I’m telling a story at You’re Being Ridiculous at Steppenwolf on February 1 –happening as planned, sold out as far as I know – My plan is to tell the story about the time I lived with a roommate ripped from the pages of The Gift of Fear, but I might write 6 more things between now and then, shhhhhhhh don’t tell the producers).

Here’s a song:

 

NYC Meetup – February 9, 2019

By
January 28, 2019
Events, Meetups
2 Comments

From your host, Natalia:

NYC February Meetup!
Hello NYC Awkwardeers!
What: Captain Awkward NYC meetup
When: Saturday, February 9, 2019, 3pm onward
Where: Think Coffee, 123 4th Avenue, Manhattan
Feel free to bring games/board games, crafts, or just your wonderful selves! And please make note of the time change. January’s meet-up started at 2pm, but February’s will start at 3pm.
We’ll meet at Think Coffee at 123 4th Avenue on Saturday, February 9th starting at 3pm. It is right by the 14th Street – Union Square Station on the 4, 5, 6, L, N, Q, W or R trains. The platforms for the L, N, Q, W, and R trains at this station are wheelchair accessible. The platform for the 4, 5, and 6 trains at this station is NOT wheelchair accessible. Think Coffee is on street level with an accessible bathroom.  They serve coffee, tea, soups, sandwiches and baked goods.  They have vegan options.
I will be wearing an orange hat and will be knitting a white hat or reading a book. I’ll be sure to have a little sign that says Captain Awkward so you can find me. Feel free to email me with any questions or to let me know you’re coming. My email is ciaonsd@gmail.com
I’m looking forward to meeting you soon/seeing everyone who came last month!
-Natalia
Thanks for putting this together, Natalia!
Reminder: Anyone anywhere can host a gathering, some guidelines are here.

Perth, Australia Meetup, 11/17/18

By
November 12, 2018
Events, Meetups, Uncategorized

Your host, Jess, proposes an outdoor excursion. Here are the details:

Friends of Captain Awkward meetup – Perth, Australia
I have decided to host an outdoor meetup for a change.
When:
Saturday 17th November, 2.30pm
Where:
Bibra Lake – a shady spot on the grass north east of the Bibra Lake Reserve Car Park. This is the car park near the intersection of Progress Dr and Gwilliam Dr. (Google maps knows which car park it is).
See the red outline on the map – I will find a nice shady spot inside that area.
bibra lake
Details:
BYO coffee/drink of choice. BYO folding chair/something to sit on (optional). I will bring some snacks to share, a bird watching book, and a board game/card game.
There are public toilets next to the car park but no cafe. (There’s a Red Rooster on the corner of Gwilliam Dr and North Lake Rd – about 500m walk). Sometimes I’ve seen an ice cream van in the Bibra Lake car park, but I don’t know how regularly it’s there.
How to find us:
I will get there 5-10 early and will have a sign that says FOCA. I have medium length dark brown hair.
Bad weather plan:
The current forecast for sat says partially cloudy. However if does rain, meet at the undercover picnic tables near the small jetty south of the meetup area. The meetup will only be canceled if it’s bucketing down or a thunderstorm. I will keep the discussion thread on the FOCA forum updated so check there if the weather is iffy.
Questions? Suggestions for future meetups? 
Please join our discussion thread in the Meetups section of the Friends of Captain Awkward forums. (Note: you will need to log in to the FOCA forum to see the thread).
Have a wonderful time!