Hello, Community. Mr. Awkward is improving and we’re starting to talk about release either later this week or next week. Thanks so much for the kind words and the Uncle Julio’s.
Shall we tackle a question?
I’ve got a sort of weird question for you. How in the world do you accept an apology without letting the other person off the hook? All I really know how to do is either say it’s fine (indicating it wasn’t a big deal/they didn’t do anything wrong), or continue to act mad about it even though all I am is deeply hurt.
Here’s the situation. I have a friend that often works conventions for a vendor she knows/likes a lot. They needed people last minute to join them for a con this past weekend. I happened to know another friend who enjoys conventions of this sort, so I asked her to come with me to fill the numbers for the booth. Literally all we would have to pay for is food and our transport. We were both totally stoked to be going, since people we really admire were going to be there, and it was kind of a once in a lifetime opportunity. I also thought it might be a good opportunity for her, since she has been unable to find a job for several years now, and if they like you at this booth it could evolve into other opportunities. So I took off work, she got a ride to my apartment, and we took the train to the con.
The trip up was kind of stressful, mostly because it was stupidly early and friend stresses about things a lot more than I do, and then stressed more when I did not also feel/exhibit signs of stress (because I honestly didn’t see what there was to stress about). Then, when walking to the hotel, she was constantly walking waaay ahead of me and not keeping to my slower pace (I’m not in the best of shape, and I’d torn my feet up in new boots previously so it hurt to walk. And there was no reason to hurry-it was 6am and we weren’t needed anywhere until after 9) then excused it with “that’s just how I am”. Which, fine, not a big deal.
But then she met a friend at the con she hadn’t known would be there. (Not someone I had known before). So she wanted to hang out with him instead. Ok, cool, makes sense. I’ll just do my own thing. But when I was hanging out with her when he wasn’t around/ available she was just… not kind. Like, I was helping her find an autograph session and we had to climb under a metal barrier at one point, as we had gotten in the wrong line. Said barrier fell and hit me on the head, hard, stunning me. She tried to put it back and snapped at me when I didn’t jump to help her (because I was seeing stars). I still have a bruise at the base of my skull where it whacked me.
After the signing, we agreed to meet up to go for food before we needed to be back at the booth. But when she showed up, her other friend was there too. And they wanted to go about a mile away for food, which I pointed out that my battered feet couldn’t take, especially not if we were going to go, eat, and get back to the booth to help at closing time (we had worked the morning, so had the afternoon off). I was also developing a killer headache and just wanted to stay in the general vicinity of the booth. Friend and her friend ditched me without a second thought.
I ended up going back to the hotel alone for some down time before we were to meet the rest of the crew for dinner. She came in and I told her about my head hurting. She apologized for snapping at me and ditching me, which I said was ok.
Fast forward to the trip home. She’s stressing again, and snaps at me several times while getting to the train. Then she orders me to a certain seat (several seats away from hers, but it’s a fairly packed train and these were the only two where we wouldn’t have to have someone in the seat next to us). After the train starts moving, she texts me apologizing for bossing me around.
I texted back that I understood, but not to do it again because I don’t appreciate it. Now, I feel weird. Should I have just said it’s ok? Because it’s not, not really. I feel vaguely abused and hurt. I didn’t asked her to come to be bossed around, ditched, and yelled at. She’s apologized for part of her behavior, but not all of it. My head still hurts, and I feel like a lot of the joy I had at coming to this con has been taken away by this and other instances of her inconsiderate behavior. I’m sad and hurt she felt ok treating me this way. On the other hand, she did apologize for some of it. So I should just let it go and swallow my hurt with a smile.
My question is, in the future, how can I accept an apology like hers, which isn’t for everything that upset me, while not making it sound like it wasn’t a big deal and everything is ok now? I’m also worried I upset her with my response asking her not to boss me around again. She said she was just trying to help me find a seat, after all. Was I ok in setting that boundary? Or should I have just said I understood and it wasn’t a problem?
Thanks for your time, and I hope despite all the bad in the world right now you’re having a wonderful day
-overly emotional and exhausted (she/her)