My boyfriend, who I met online through a mutual friend, and I have been dating for about two years now. When we first started talking online, we lived on opposite sides of the country and were in a long distance relationship for over a year before I decided to move to the same city as him. (We each have our own place, though.) Due to his job he was unable to move to my city, so I decided to be the one to move. I had fallen out of touch with many of my friends from back home for varying reasons and had a job that was just okay, so aside from the fact that it was expensive, the move wasn’t too hard on me.
Now, about eight months after moving here, I am falling out of love with my boyfriend. He hasn’t done anything wrong – in fact, in many aspects, he’s a fantastic partner. But the days are fewer and more far between that I can see myself having a future with him. I rarely feel any sexual attraction towards him, and more and more things about the relationship are becoming things that I don’t see myself being 100% cool with in the future. (He’s not really excited about the prospect of kids, he’s not close with his family, we have incompatible sex drives, etc.)
I’ve talked with him briefly about how I don’t feel totally satisfied with the relationship, but with the holiday season in full swing as well as a vacation we’re taking together in the near future, we decided to push things under the rug. However, at this point I’m feeling pretty confident that this relationship isn’t meant to last.
However, my fear (and by extension, the underlying question of this email) is that without him in my life, I am completely alone. I have no friends here, and all of my friends that I do have are either in a mutual friend group with my boyfriend or live very far away. I’m worried that I will essentially hole up in my apartment and never leave because I have no one with whom to do activities. (As a sufferer of depression, this fear is only increased.) I don’t like the idea of spending that much of my time alone. And, of course, while I do not feel this relationship is working out, I do care for my boyfriend a lot and would miss him so, so much. (I would love to stay friends, as he is genuinely one of the best friends I’ve ever had, but I’m not sure if that’s possible.)
Do you have any advice on how to go about this? I’m not even sure how to break up with him, let alone what either of us will do afterwards. It’s funny- I can’t see him being my partner forever, but I also can’t imagine my life without his friendship.
Thanks a bunch! -Moving on after moving away (She/her pronouns)
I started seeing a man who claimed he and his wife were ok to seek outside relationships. He said the friendship of those outside liaisons was important to him. Seemed on-board; I heard his wife mention one or two outside-the-marriage dalliances.
I fell into an emotional clusterfuck with him. I truly didn’t want to be his “primary”, I didn’t want to tear him from his family, but I was emotionally invested in him on some level. He could be utterly sweet and he initiated daily conversation, but it often felt all about him. I told him how it bothered me when he reached out and shared a bunch of info and then proceeded to act what I thought was dismissively to what I told him. He said it wasn’t intentional but it always happened again. Were we fuck buddies, I wouldn’t have expected anything but because of the “friendship”, I was stupid enough to want the support and consistency that I get from my closest friends. But when it was good…it was goddamn magical.
1 year in, I learned that we’d crossed a line. I never got a succinct explanation but it related to the fact that our relationship was emotional, not just physical; they weren’t that open. He wanted to continue, secretly. I was unwilling to forego my attachment, so I stayed, for the magic and the self-absorption.
One day, after he dropped plans with me in what I thought was a crass way, I had a come-to-Jesus moment that I just didn’t matter to him when he didn’t need a distraction. I left. It’s been months. I hear from him sometimes because he wants to remain friends, but he’s been respectful of my request for way less contact and he isn’t trying to be amorous. But I don’t know what to do. Not talking has been awful, but talking brings back memories and leaves me wanting. I miss the intimacy but I’m emotionally drained. I don’t want to cheat but I kind of do. I feel like a failure and an asshole and like he has all the answers. I torture myself with thoughts that he’s found someone else. And I love him, but I think it’s ego that is truly driving my consideration of staying in touch with him. I’m so fucked up (I know this letter sounds awful).
What is wrong with me? Why is it I feel sick to my stomach about not having him in my life anymore, but I feel sick to my stomach about some of our interactions? Please e-slap some sense into me. I hate this and I can’t seem to get myself out of this rabbit hole.
Dear Letter Writer In A Rabbit Hole:
No slaps for you. You crossed paths with a charismatic liar who toyed with your heart and you feel like a pathetic asshole. It happens. Now we do damage control.
Step 1: Write him a message that says some version of “It’s time to let all of this go, please don’t contact me anymore.“
Step 2: Block his number. Block him on all social media platforms. Block his email. BLOCK HIM. It’s time to go cold turkey and stop wondering “what if?” about this dude. You can take complete control of this situation by choosing to end it. The thing that makes it all better is time and distance away from him, and you can’t get the benefits of those things until you take them for yourself.
Step 3: Here is a really good song, calledBetter Thingsby the late (eff you forever, 2016), great Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings.
Listen to it on repeat. How long? All of 2017, probably. Listen until the words are true.
Step 4: Get in touch with nice people who love you and who you can count on and spend time with them. Remind yourself that there are lots of kinds of love in this world and that you are connected to many other people who think you are important and value your time and who don’t suck you into weird cheating dynamics.
Step 5: Do some good stuff for the world. Bug your elected officials about things that are important to you. Find a neat volunteer gig that brings you in contact with new people. You need to distract yourself from texting some crap dude and the world could frankly use the energy you’re spending on thinking about him right now.
Step 6: Be nice to your body, whatever that means to you. Maybe it’s getting a massage, or a really great haircut, or culling your closet of things that don’t look or feel right, or getting enough sleep, or stretching for 10 minutes every morning. Maybe it’s dancing your ass off with friendly strangers for a few hours. Find a friendly not-creepy feminist sex shop and stock up on accoutrements and go to town on yourself.
How this dude made you feel in your body felt addictively good, I’m thinking. But he’s not the only source of that goodness – your body and its goodness belongs to you. Reclaim it.
Step 7: When you think of him, and you will think of him, acknowledge the moment and then move on. Don’t linger – distract yourself with something else. “I miss (Darth Vader). I’ll probably miss him for a while. Not gonna text him though. Oh look, kittens.“
Step 8: What plans and dreams were you putting on hold while you dallied with this guy? Work plans, study plans, art plans, travel plans, daydreams? It’s time to dig back into that stuff and throw yourself at it as hard as you know how. DO THE THING.
Step 9: Forgive yourself.
Step 10: Forgive yourself.
Step 11: When you’re finally feeling like yourself again, these exes have a way of coming out of the woodwork back into your sphere of attention. I don’t know why, they just do. Be ready, ignore whatever bullshit he says, don’t respond to any messages from him, don’t hug him or “get coffee” and catch up with him. Sing along with Sharon. Laugh at the insipid stuff he says to try to get back in your pants. You’ve got better things to do than spend any more time thinking about that dude.
Step 12: Let time do its work. You WILL heal and you WILL get over him.
It’s time for the monthly ritual where I answer the questions that people typed into search engines to find this place.
1 “I have a crush on a guy who treats me badly.”
Crushes can be fun, but unlike what you’ve seen on Buffy The Vampire Slayer and every other show/movie/comic, love doesn’t turn assholes into acceptable boyfriends. My recommendation: Fantasize darkly about dirty-hot-hate-sex with him at your leisure, but save your actual affections and time outside your head for people who are kind to you.
Now more than ever we must hold the line and not waste our time with charismatic assholes.
Admire my cheekbones from afar. Do not waste your precious life trying to turn me into an acceptable person to date.
2 “Talk about sexual relation first time.”
There is a site called Scarleteen. It is a national treasure, and while it was built so that teenagers could get non-judgmental, scientifically accurate, kind and sensitive sex advice, adults should read it, too. This topic is covered amply in their archives and forums. The creator of the site, Heather Corinna, wrote a book called S.E.X. It’s great. They also have volunteers who answer questions confidentially.
While we’re on the topic, here are some other good books about sex:
In the movies, sex just, like, happens. People stare at each other intensely and then grab each other and kiss and suddenly clothes are off and it’s all seamless and softly lit.
In real life, it’s important to talk about things with the person you plan to have sex with, especially when one or both of you is new at it. Everything from what consent looks like to “What are we gonna do about contraception (if that’s an issue in your pairing) and safer sex?” to “I think I’d like it if we….” to “Definitely please do not ever….” to “That doesn’t feel good, please stop!” to “That feels really good!” Real life sex is awkward, and vulnerable, and that’s part of what’s great about it. Get thee to Scarleteen.
Happy talking! And everything that might come after!
3 “Working with the person you had an affair with now its awkward.”
Aw, buddy.
Without knowing the particulars (relative power structure in company, how it ended, what the feelings were and still are, how much time it’s been, did anybody know, what was the fallout, how much each person respectively likes/needs this particular job, etc.), some smart steps that you can control might be:
Keep your distance. You probably work in somewhat close quarters, which is how the whole thing started in the first place, and you can’t fix that or at least fix it right away, but you can start to mentally work on keeping your distance. Stop keeping track of the other person – their moods, quirks, likes, dislikes, what they ate today, who they talk to, where they go, reading their horoscope, etc. Stop fixating on them. Use the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear to distract yourself, if necessary, or just say to yourself , “We broke up, it’s not my business, la la la” when you find yourself getting obsessed.
Step up your professional game at work. Pay attention to the “little things,” like tidying your workspace, paying attention to dress & grooming, making sure you’re on time every day, being reliable & correct in your communications, keeping your boss updated on your projects, keeping small talk with coworkers very light and not revealing of personal life. I don’t think there is shame in crying it work – it’s a natural human response to stress and anger, and we shouldn’t be as dismissive of it as we are as a culture – but if you’re someone who is trying to keep an intra-office breakup private, try to do your crying in private. Put your best foot forward, even if you don’t feel like it right now. If you look to others like you have your shit together, it can sometimes help you keep your shit together.
Polish that resume. Look for another job, or an assignment in another department. I know, it’s not fair that you should have to leave your job, but it might be the simplest way to cut the cord of awkwardness. Join a networking organization for your profession if there is one. Make some new connections. Take a class and boost your skills in something. Maybe you feel like you can’t or don’t want to leave your job right now, but reminding yourself that you have options can’t hurt. Anything that reminds you of your own value is gonna feel good right now.
If there is stalking or harassing behavior of ANY kind, document & report it if you can. Whatever happened happened, but you don’t deserve to be terrorized or retaliated against professionally.
Give it time. Like the pain of all breakups, this too shall pass.
4 “How to break up your daughters gay relationship.”
Try these search terms instead:
“How do I show my daughter I love her and accept her?”
“How do I stop being a homophobic asshole?”
Okay, speaking of affairs:
5 “What do you say to a married man’s wife who you have an affair with when she confronts you?”
Start with “I’m really, really sorry” and DO NOT try to justify or explain. The aggrieved spouse has probably saved up some things to say, so, just listen while they speak their piece. You don’t have to answer questions – “You should ask your spouse about that” is a good script if you start getting an interrogation, and if at some point you gotta end the conversation say, “I’m so sorry” again and refer the person back to their spouse, like, “I’m so sorry, I hear you, I know I hurt you. I don’t have answers for you, you should talk to (spouse) directly about this.“
There’s nothing GOOD you can say, so, focus on not making it worse.
6 “Husband doesn’t believe his mother hates me.”
What if you said, “You don’t have to believe me, but when we’re around your mom and (this specific behavior) happens, I do need you to (defend me/shut it down/back me up/leave with me).“
Focus not on the emotion (she hates you) but on the behaviors (the specific things she does that hurt your feelings or annoys you), and give him an idea of how he can best support you when those specific behaviors arrive. Choose your battles, and do what you can to minimize time with her. Annual Reminder: Nobody HAS to go home for the holidays.
7 “What to say in a Xmas card to a sister you did not talk with in five years.”
“Merry Christmas! I hope you’re doing well. Here’s [email/phone/the best way to contact me], can we catch up sometime in the new year?”
Take the pressure off to come up with something eloquent. This moment is literally what greeting cards are for – short, non-emotionally-charged communications. Give her a way to contact you and then leave it in her court. She’ll call/write or she won’t.
8 “Boyfriend does no chores and never wants to spend his free time with me.”
You could dump the boyfriend and get a cat. It wouldn’t do any chores, but least the cat would be cute and hang out with you sometimes.
9 “Happy birthday to a friend you had a misunderstanding and now friends again.”
Say/Text/Facebook Wall: “Happy birthday!“
Do you really want to rehash the misunderstanding? In someone’s birthday greeting? No. You don’t. Bake them a normal cake, not a shame-cake, and be glad that you mended fences about whatever it is.
10 “Boss upset I quit and I feel guilty.”
Your boss will get over it. Or they won’t, but you won’t work there anymore, so you don’t have to care.
11 “How to start the baby conversation with partner.”
“Partner, I’m thinking a lot about having a baby, and I’m pretty sure I want to start that process soon, with you. What do you think about that?”
Or, “I’m pretty sure I don’t ever want to have kids, so I wanted to see how you feel about that.”
Full disclosure, here’s how this conversation goes in my house:
We hang out with Commander Logic’s freaking adorable smart amazing children, aka, The Gateway Babies.
Spouse: “Someday, you know, my/our kids will….”
Me: …
Repeat for a few weeks.
Me: “You keep mentioning these kids that will be doing stuff someday. Are these real kids or hypothetical kids?”
Spouse: …
Me: “So, hypothetical. Ok.”
Spouse: (lots of stuff about parenthood and money and anxiety)
Me: (corresponding anxiety-brain-vomit)
Me: “If you really want kids, I’ll have your kids! I’ll have kids with you.”
Spouse: “That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement.”
Me: “It’s what I got. I can be happy either way.”
Both of Us: …
Me: “Talk again in six months?”
Spouse: “Sure. Good talk, everyone.”
12 “What does it mean when a guy tells you ‘I cant ask you to wait for me’?”
It means, “don’t wait for me.” You have been or are about to be broken up with.
13 “A guy likes and comments on everything on Facebook stalker.”
You can: Set your posts using privacy filters so he can’t even see them.
You can: Unfriend his annoying ass.
You can: Block him so he can’t even know you exist on Facebook.
When/if…okay probably when…he contacts you through other channels to ask “Are you okay?” or “Did I do something wrong?” here’s your script:
“I wasn’t enjoying our online interactions so I stopped them.”
Monitoring a person’s every online breath is stifling and creepy. You don’t have to tutor him as to why.
14 “After party with my former students sex stories.“
No.
15 “My toddler seems lonely but I hate playdates and playgroups.”
From what I understand from my friends who are parents of young kids, EVERYONE HATES PLAYDATES. The other parents hate it as much as you do. They are going through the motions because they want their kids to have friends and be socialized. They are something you suck up and do until you find some other parents that you a) can stand to be around while the kids are very small and drop-off/self-play isn’t possible b) can trust with your kids as they get older so you can take turns dropping off the kids and getting a few hours to yourself.
Do you have a co-parent? Can they take some of the play-date and play-group pressure off? Like, if you both hate that, can you take turns sucking it up for the sake of the kid?
Can you find more structured stuff – craft things, a local children’s museum, story time at the library, swim/dance classes – that allow your kid to interact while you check out and read your phone in the bleachers?
You’re a good parent because you’re noticing your child’s loneliness. You’ll do the right thing. And this won’t be forever.
Firstly I wanted to say that your blog has been, like, profoundly life-changingly important for me.
I have two parents who are both, in their different ways, abusive. My mum has had a difficult past but can’t control her outbursts of destructive rage, and my dad is the more cool, calm, evil genius type of abuser who thinks really hard about how to twist the knife while appearing totally rational. They are divorced and used me and my sister as weapons in their proxy war for years.
Coming to realise that they were abusive was really important and useful for me, but it also drastically reduced my tolerance for their bullshit. Earlier this year my mum started some weird guilt-trip stuff about me moving in with my partner, and it was one thing too many and I ended up slow-fading her. This weekend, my dad and I got into a row about him being needlessly aggressive – I told him I didn’t want to hear from him until he was willing to apologise, and instead he sent me an appallingly offensive drunken rant about how insufferable I am – which he ended with that Oscar Wilde quote about losing your parents. I know, right.
So I’m now, for the moment at least, without parents. I’m 25. I’ve just started training in a career I love. I have a stable living situation and a caring partner (who incidentally has an absolute cinnamon roll of a mum). But I don’t know how to deal with this emotionally. There aren’t many protocols for how to get over a break-up with your parents. I feel relieved to be rid of them but angry they treated me so badly and it’s all a bit mixed up.
Can you help? Your guides for how to get over romantic breakups are so good, so real, so true, but I feel like they don’t quite apply here in the same way.
Oh, and one more think – my dad has a nine year old son, my half brother. I adore him and he adores me; he’s the only bio family member I have who just unproblematically loves me and likes to be around me. He lives in another country with my dad and doesn’t have a phone of his own yet. Every time I think about what I’m going to do about that, I cry. Can you give me a nudge towards knowing what to do?
My partner and I have been together for 6 years and we recently moved to another country where I know the language and have some friends. My partner has been focused on jump-starting his freelance career and doesn’t have many friends in our new country, nor does he know the language very well. Over the last few months, there has been some major conflict culminating in a moment when I made him feel stupid and blamed for us leaving an event my friend was having. This was all accidental on my part, but I have taken ownership of my words and actions. Since then he has made it clear that that moment has colored the relationship and he can no longer move forward. He is still here until we go back for a visit to our home country in a month and during this time we have been acting like normal – planning future trips, being in love. I had asked him to give me a chance to show him that I can balance out the past with our future. Today, I asked for an update and although he says that he sees me being a more supportive partner, he still feels like he can’t continue this relationship. What can I do in this next month to “re-color” the relationship? He is giving me this chance because he wants to be with me, but he feels “burnt out”. How do we heal and move forward? Is it possible?
This is Captain Awkward Dot Com Pledge Drive Week, as you know. Ways to contribute:
You can become a patron at Patreon. We just hit the second funding goal of $1000/month, which means that I’ll release a .PDF book of favorite columns later this year, free to patrons, a few $ to download on the blog. THANK YOU!
When/if we hit $2000/month at Patreon, the blog goes ad-free.
Monthly contributions not your thing? Paypal , Cash.me and Dwolla also work for a one-time gift. Whatever’s convenient for you!
Thank you so much for reading and for your generosity. It really makes a material difference in my life.
It’s been a long time since we’ve looked into the abyss…the internet’s unfiltered Id… the words that people type into their search engine windows in order to find this place. Good news, Patreon contributors met the first monthly goal, and this will be coming back as a monthly feature. Shall we dance?
1. “Colleagues surprised I got promoted.”
And they point out their surprise? To you? Depending on my comfort level & closeness with the people in question and the likelihood that they’d have the grace to be embarrassed, I might say something like “Thanks for that astounding vote of confidence, Marian!” to help everyone laugh off the moment. I might also call no attention to it and pretend I didn’t notice, based on the fact that sometimes people have weird reactions to things when they first find out about them and do better when their first reaction can be private.
Now, if they keep bringing it up after that first announcement, like, “I was so surprised they promoted you and not Andy…” – it’s time for a wicked smile and “And yet…here we are!” (+ subject change).
2. “Can I ask neighbours not to be on my drive.”
Yes? “Please don’t use my drive, thank you.”
3. “My mother died without resolving our strained relationship or saying thank you.”
We all die in the middle of something unfinished.That SUCKS and I’m sorry for the loss of your mom and for the loss of the chance to make things right between you. It sucks to be grieving someone when you’re bouncing back and forth between grief and anger and regret.
I hope you will honor your mother’s memory and your own experiences with your mom (the ones that made you need to keep your distance) someday when some more time has gone by. Write her a letter of all the things you wanted to say to her, but didn’t. Write the letter back to yourself that you wish that she would send you, the one where she says, “Thank you” and “I’m sorry” and “I understand.”
Be kind to yourself.
4. “Why would a man tell you he will take you out for coffee once in a while, even after breaking up?”
Maybe this man has some idea that you’ll still be friendly. Only he knows for sure, so before you say yes you might ask him: “Hey, was there something in particular you wanted to talk about over coffee?”
Before you go, ask yourself:
Do you want to go out for coffee?
Do you want to stay in contact, or would you benefit from a clean break?
Do you want to go even if it doesn’t really mean anything special about your future together?
5. “People who care about grad school too much.”
Duuuuuuuude. Seriously. What is it with grad school, being all expensive and intense and competitive and interesting and stuff.
(I have no good answer, sorry. Grad school: It’s absorbing.)
6. “She says, ‘Not now, sorry’ when I want to talk with her.”
My best guess is that she is busy and doesn’t want to talk right now.
Try saying, “Ok, let me know when it’s a good time” and then going and doing something else with your time for a while.
In a good [romance][friendship][artistic collaboration] she’ll come find you when she’s ready.
7. “My brother is an insufferable ass.”
You can’t choose your family. Can you limit the amount of time you spend in his company?
8. “If my boyfriend forces me to change my appearance”
Is this one of those fill-in-the-blank scenarios?
“If my boyfriend forces me to change my appearance, and it is not a matter of life and death because we are on the run from an international spy ring, then I should dump him for being a controlling jerk!”
People who “force” you to change important things about yourself are not on your side, Young Googler. Please love yourself enough to get away from this person.
9. “Why is my boyfriend really aggressive about me wearing makeup?”
The simplest explanation is that he does it because he is a controlling asswipe. See #8. He is literally trying to control your face.
10. If a family member shuns you, do they ever think of you?
Maybe? Sometimes? Without action on their part, it’s hard to know.
11. “I found my grandmother’s sex toys.”
Yes! GET IT, GRANNY!
My best suggestion is: Put them back where you found them and act the way you’d like Nana to act if she stumbled across your sex toys (i.e. “quiet” & ” discreet”).
12. “‘Sorry I can’t date you’ message.”
I like replacing “can’t” with “don’t want to” or “am not interested,” if you feel safe to do so. “Can’t” implies circumstances beyond your control, like, “I would totally date you, but this tornado just spirited me away to the land of Oz, so I can’t.” That little window of ambiguity can send a persistent lover into a tizzy of looking for ruby slippers that will click you back to Kansas when really you just want them to leave you in this Technicolor world where it’s not the Great Depression. Whereas, “It’s nice of you to ask, but I am not interested in dating you” is clearer and more specific.
14. “How many times should I invite myself to stay as a house guest?”
This is my personal house-guesting code as a 42-year-old white American lady with a job. It does not have to be your personal house-guesting code.
With a close friend or family member,
Where I have a good history of reciprocity,
And I trust them to say an honest “no” if it’s not a good time or whatever,
And the dates of my travel are pretty well-defined (nobody likes “sometime” hanging over their head) and short (1 night – a few days);
…I may ask once or twice or every now and again. More likely when I know that the hosts have a guest room and a habit of saying “Please come visit, we have a guest room and we’d love for you to stay with us!,” in which case, they have invited me and “inviting myself” is more about suggesting a specific time. Much less likely when there is no guest room or guest bed and I’d be taking up someone’s main living space. Not at all likely when the prospective hosts are brand-new parents of a baby or enmeshed in other big deal life stuff. Definitely not if a suggestion of staying there is met with any hesitation; one may ask “Is it okay if I stay in your guest room for a few days?” but one must not try to convince the hosts.
This was all more fungible when I was 25 and used words like “crash” and traveled more internationally and AirBnB did not exist.
15. “How to ask friends not to invite themselves over?”
“Hey, friend, I love your company, but when it comes to my space, can you wait until I invite you over? Thank you.”
16. “I don’t want to be friends with ex-boyfriends.”
You don’t have to be!
17. “A message to write to a friend to tell some one they are of value to you even if they have gone broke.”
“Hello, friend, I know times are really hard right now. I just wanted to say that you are important to me and I’m hoping things get better for you. Can I fix you dinner sometime soon? I’d love to see your face.”
I’m neither a parent nor a legal expert, but my instincts say, “Why the hell shouldn’t all teenagers have access to information & resources to make themselves feel really really good in their own company?” I wish to hell I had grown up with Scarleteen and a waterproof, adjustable-speed vibrator.
20. “Do therapists want to hear how their former patients are doing?”
People in the helping professions sow a lot of seeds without expecting to see the blossoms, so, I say “yes” if you had a good relationship and the information is conveyed in a medium that doesn’t demand work from them. Think of it the way you’d write to a former teacher you wanted to thank in a short note, like, “Dear Therapist, I just wanted to let you know that things are going better at work thanks to your suggestions for managing my time and anxiety better. I hope all is well with you, thank you again for your help. Sincerely, Your former patient.” If you find yourself generating paragraph upon paragraph of text, maybe make an appointment?
22. “Me and boyfriend break up because we never have sex.”
Breakups are HARD, even when they are the right thing to do. I hope you are both happier with a little time and distance, and may your next partner(s) be more compatible with you in that way.
23. “Should it bother me that my husband wants me to party with alcohol & cocaine knowing I have seizures and interactions with medications could be harmful?”
I find it useful to replace the word “should” in talks I have with myself. When we’re talking about feelings or big decisions, what “should” happen is not so helpful. The better question is “what IS happening?”
“Should it bother you…”
==>
DOES it bother you? It sounds like it bothers you. (It bothers me!) And, since you are the sole boss of what substances you put in your body, you are the sole decider of what risks are unacceptable for you. “Husband, I don’t want to ‘party’ with you. I don’t want to have a seizure or a bad interaction with my meds. Please stop asking me.”
24. “My roommate leaves the bathroom door open when he goes to the bathroom and showers.”
“Dude, close the door!” (+ open the window!)
25. How to get your boyfriend to look after himself?
Any answer I give is going to generate an automatic “But it’s more complicated than that!” or “But I love him!” response, and rightly so, but I’m going to talk to my younger right now and let everyone listen in. If it’s not applicable then it’s not applicable.
Hey, Young Jennifer, I’m so sorry, the Time Machine did not get me back here in time to stop you from falling in love with [Hot But Troubled Boy]. I had the dial set for 1990, which is why I have all these catalogues for women’s colleges and a bass guitar in here with me, but I can see that I’m a couple years late.
I know you love Boy. His skin feels like magic and when you touch each other it feels like the microscopic space between you is filled with stardust. He smells like two angels fucking. You can stay up all night talking and fixing the world together. You are unstoppable…except for when he is very stoppable.
Boy has a condition called depression. You have it, too, and you should go and get checked out for that. Where I come from you didn’t figure that out for another 5-7 years, and I can’t help but wonder what would be different for me/us if you knew. Depression doesn’t mean you’re unloveable, it just means that it can take medical help and concentrated effort to manage the condition. When Boy hates himself, and stops going to work or class or washing his clothes or wanting to do anything with you, when he has mood swings and gets dark and mean, when he tells you that he doesn’t deserve you and wants you to go away, and then the next day tells you that he’ll die if you leave him, it’s at least partly a manifestation of an illness. It’s not your fault, it’s not something you are doing wrong or not doing enough of. What that also means is that you cannot love him out of it. You can’t fix him or fix it for him. He’s got to do it himself.
What I know now that you don’t know is that the time you are spending, tidying his space for him, worrying about him, talking to your friends about what to do about him, trying to coax him to eat or shower or go see a movie with you, wondering what he’s thinking about, making sure you always look pretty when you see him, keeping track of his schedule and his deadlines, processing the stuff he says to you in and out of his mood swings, taking care of him, trying to lay your love and your body down into all his cracks and fill them, time spent biting your tongue not wanting to make him sad or angry…this is time that you will never get back. You are stealing these years from yourself and offering them up to him, to no one’s benefit.
I know, you love him. I know.
And I have unfair knowledge, because I know stuff that you can’t know now, that maybe you wouldn’t have ever learned if you didn’t try and fail at this.
But I’m from the future, and if I could tell you what to do right now I’d tell you to have one conversation with him where you ask him to seek help for his troubles and to start being nicer to you. If he does? Great, maybe you can have that love story you’re so sure this is going to be. If he won’t? Especially the part about being nice to you? Then I’d tell you to bail. It’s too late for the women’s colleges, but it’s not too late for the bass. Take it, find some other awesome women, start a terrible punk band, and use all the painful things he’s said to you as material for lyrics. Hold out for someone who is always kind to you, someone who doesn’t need to be fixed or parented.
P.S. In 1997, when your friend I. offers you a chance to work at her internet startup but you’re going to take the job at the non-profit instead? WORK FOR I, FOOL. She’s gonna sell that thing to Yahoo right before the crash in 2000, and you can donate your millions of dollars to the non-profit.
This is Captain Awkward Dot Com Pledge Drive Week, as you know. Ways to contribute:
You can become a patron at Patreon. At the next funding goal, I release an e-book of columns once every year, free to patrons, a few $ to download for non-patrons. When/if we hit $2000/month, the blog goes ad-free.
Monthly contributions not your thing? Paypal , Cash.me and Dwolla also work. Whatever’s convenient for you!
Thank you so much for reading and for your generosity. It really makes a material difference in my life.
