#1349: “I asked out a shy guy, he told me his (non-existent) girlfriend would be jealous. What now?”


I have a question about a shy guy I like. I am a shy woman but confident in pursuing him.

I have slowly gotten to know him and asked him out a couple times vaguely for coffee or a friend hang out. At first he seemed scared and panicked and lied and said he is seeing someone. We have good conversations but whenever I mention a hang out he casually mentions his girlfriend would be jealous.

I know he doesn’t have one because of how nervous he has been around me, his friend tried to help me, and his social media he is never with a girl romantically.

What do you make of this? Is he just scared or not interested? He said he likes talking to me so that is a good sign at least.

Thank you!


“Scared,” “panicked,” and “my jealous girlfriend, who is definitely a real human girlfriend, you wouldn’t know her, she lives in Canada” do not add up to “Heck yes, let’s date!”

Someone can be both “shy/nervous about dating in general” and “not interested in dating you” at the same time, and addressing one doesn’t “cure” the other.

The Legend Of The Man Who Would Love You Back If Only He Weren’t So Scared is like Bigfoot: elusive, mythical, and addictive. People spend their whole lives hunting, but they only ever catch what decides to be caught. By which I mean, if this guy changes his mind at some point, it won’t be because you persistently and confidently found a way round his “fears,” it will be because he decided on his own and sought you out.

If you both like chatting with each other, great! Enjoy that for its own sake. But definitely stop the invitations/casual mentions of further hangouts and other “pursuing.” Stop haunting his social media feeds, stop auditing his life for reasons to override his reluctance, and stop making ‘overcoming reluctance’ a romantic goal, both with him, and in general. The right person for you will match your enthusiasm levels and you won’t have to work this hard at any of it.

A Venn Diagram of "Why We Can't Date," fields are "not Interested" "too shy," "Céline, who def. exists, forbids it."
I keep forgetting I have a Canva acct. Charts!