Content note: Poop, sex, and poop jokes because “laughter provides a temporary and uneasy means of coping with shit.”¹
Hello my dear Captain,
I don’t know how to tell a not-quite-a-one-night-stand that he left a poop stain on my couch, which I cleaned up after horrifyingly discovering what it was BY PUTTING MY HAND IN IT…. and now I can’t text him for a booty call and I’ve seen him in social aspects (he’s my partner’s assistant, we’re open, and my partner encouraged giving his assistant some personal attention because no one can keep up with my sex drive, and also the assistant would NOT stop talking about my positive qualities.)
Which is sweet and all, but how should I go about addressing this? I don’t even know …
Thanks so much for your advice.
Bless you for this question that is not as low stakes as it initially might appear and contains no heroes that I can see, but that nonetheless made me laugh. Horny people doing horny stuff! Bad decisions! Continuing the week’s theme of workplace awkwardness! Life finds a way. Bless you.
First decision in your decision tree: Do you want to have sex with this person again? If you don’t, you can end a liaison with “That was so fun, but I think it was a one-time thing for me” and skip filling out the rest of the comment card. True, the person is part of your household’s social and professional circles, so you will see him again, but this wouldn’t be the first time that “let’s all pretend this never happened” was both the least worst and most expedient option.
If you really, truly do intend to have sex with this person again, however inadvisable that is given that your partner employs him, I might as well throw out some suggestions for approaching this awkward topic with any sex partner.
Let’s start off easy, with a recommendation that requires zero awkward discussions on your part: Protect your furniture from how leaky and unpredictable bodies can be, and protect everyone’s body from how gross furniture is.
Please, take it from a broken film school survivor who cannot watch porn for more than 10 seconds without being distracted by questions like “How on earth does one clean that” and “Why is that enormous bowl of potato chips just sitting there? Did some poor production assistant have to do a Costco run specifically for porntato chips? Where does one even acquire a vessel of that size? The potato chips don’t seem to be central to the action, does no one see that they’re taking up two thirds of the frame? Wait, are the potato chips a metaphor for something? Oh god, please don’t let that be the Craft Services.”
Or, take it from someone with a dust mite allergy who just vacuumed her couch free of accumulated lint and pet hair, two substances not exactly known for their aphrodisiac properties: Throw a clean sheet down before having sex with anyone on upholstered surfaces. Vacuum before and after play dates and look into affordable steam cleaners so you can always be sure. Consider that leather/vinyl are easier to wipe down, and invest in a sturdy sex couch that you can make point of toweling off before and after, like exercise equipment at the gym.
One of the actually useful things they teach you in film school is that careful planning does not ruin spontaneity. Planning demonstrates care, and knowing you’ve covered the details can give you more room to relax and experiment in the moment, no matter the field of endeavor. Or, er, you’re a grownup. having grownup sex, with fellow grownups, on expensive grownup furniture. Bodies leak.Time for some designated sex towels, at minimum.
Moving on to awkward conversations! Here is my guiding principle: The more uncomfortable and potentially shame-inducing the topic, the more that calm, nonjudgmental directness is a form of kindness.
Don’t text or email.² Instead, call the person on the phone and say what happened: “Last time we got together, it was so fun, but afterward I found a little bit of poop on the sofa. First, are you physically okay? Is there something I should know? Second, I want to see you again, but I need to ask: Can you take some precautions so that doesn’t happen again?”
Don’t tell him how you put your hand it in or how “gross” you found it, don’t shame him or berate him for the incident, and don’t mock him in any way. Assume he doesn’t know and definitely didn’t mean what happened, assume that it’s his responsibility to handle it from here, and then listen carefully to what he has to say. His answers will tell you what to do next.
You don’t have to know why this particular shit happened to bring it up and discuss preventive measures, but it might help with the whole “remain nonjudgmental” part to consider some possibilities beforehand, so, here we go.
The most likely possibility is that it’s a one-time accident. He will be embarrassed, apologize profusely, and you’ll agree to a simple solution: “Let’s both freshen up and pay more attention to cleaning that area before we have sex.”
The reason I keep emphasizing being non-judgmental is that some people experience fecal incontinence because of known disability/medical issues, and some people can leak a little bit back there without realizing it and without realizing that they have a medical issue until an intimate partner notices and tells them. If he doesn’t know, being told what happened in a caring, gentle way should hopefully set him on the path to the doctor’s office and some self-education about preventing and mitigating fecal incontinence.
If he does know, the news that it happened won’t be surprising, and the two of you can discuss prevention and mitigation strategies for future play sessions. Bodies sometimes require specialized operating instructions for maximum safety and pleasure, and if you’re close enough to have sex with someone then you’re hopefully close enough to go over what’s in the owner’s manual together. If you don’t feel like you can or want to go there with this person, then that’s a very good reason to stop having sex, skip discussions, and revert to “Oh, it was so fun but I think just the once is the smartest plan for so many reasons.” Set everyone free!
Unfortunately, Reddit taught me that enough cis men don’t wash or wipe their asses that it’s become a whole category on r/Relationships and r/Am I The Asshole forums. On the off chance that you are dealing with someone who both knows what’s going on and doesn’t care (click this only if you have a weak gag reflex)(you have been warned, and really the important sentence is “He.. doesn’t think he should have to change his ways”)? Then nonjudgemental directness is still the right approach. You can say, “Oh, in that case, let’s leave it as a hot one-time memory, thank you for being so honest and cool about it” before hitting the eject button, and know that at least you didn’t make anything worse than it already is.
Speaking of not making things worse and extremely good reasons to stop having sex: While your letter is focused on how embarrassing and regrettable this guy’s renegade body functions were, can we talk about the part where your partner “encouraged” an employee to service you sexually? Rolling the dice and dancing with fate has degrees of difficulty; “note to self, lay off the dairy and remember to pack wipes for the big date next time” isn’t even on the same risk planet as mixing work, power differentials, and sex the way you’ve all chosen to do here.
This isn’t your first non-monogamy rodeo, everyone is presumably of age, and I’m sure everything was all spelled out and consensual with regards to the actual sex. But as this “sweet” guy’s boss, your partner has power over his livelihood and career in a way that makes the line between “encouraging” an attraction, and “directing/ordering” a desired outcome disturbingly porous. It sounds like the employee was extremely into you, but even if that’s true, “He wanted it, I swear, Your Honor!” doesn’t automagically erase the power imbalance, ethical sketchiness, poor boundaries, or sexual harassment liability if this all goes wrong.
And there soooooo many ways it can go wrong. What if casual sex guy turns out to be not so sweet, acts like a jerk about it at work, and your partner retaliates by firing him? Or, one thing I can’t help wondering about is whether you’ve told your partner about “The Incident.”³ Imagine being the employee in a situation where your boss could jokingly say, “Sure you don’t need more time to ‘check your work’ there, sport??” every time you come out of the bathroom. Imagine a story that starts with “Well, at least I never skidmarked YOUR couch” spreads to coworkers and other industry people in a way that could follow you around for the rest of your career. Imagine all of this happens or doesn’t happen completely at the whim of your boss, a person who is not known for maintaining excellent personal boundaries.
“Oh, my partner would never do that,” you’re probably thinking, and I hope you’re right, for everyone’s sake. But when you’re the one with more power relative to a sex partner, you don’t get to be clueless about boundaries or shrug off potential consequences. The phrase “don’t shit where you eat” is so painfully on the nose that I’m literally doubled-over at my desk right now, but it must be said: There’s so much more at risk here than social embarrassment, the letdown of losing a promising “booty call,” or the next 4-6 months of targeted web ads for “elegant, washable slipcovers” cluttering all your feeds.
So that’s why, while I’m happy to help anybody handle awkward sex and body talks at pretty much any time, I am basically begging you to slow down, think this through, and prioritize the safety and comfort of your partner’s assistant over getting your own sexual needs met or making sure he knows precisely how icky it was to clean up after him. Couches can be cleaned. Reputations are harder. Ending this now, re-establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries between work and sex, protects everybody, and seems to me like your best shot at not making things worse.
¹ Source: “Filthy Bodies, Porous Boundaries: The Politics of Shit in Disability Studies“, Dr. Cindy LaCom, Disability Studies Quarterly, Winter/Spring 2007, Volume 27, No.1-2, url: https://dsq-sds.org/article/view/11/11 accessed March 16, 2021.
² I think a call vs .text or email is a respectful way to handle a difficult conversation like this one, but it’s not the only reason I suggested it. I am not a lawyer, but I watch lawyers on TV, and creating more digital documentation about that time you not only had sex with a partner’s employee, at your partner’s directive, but also immortalized a bunch of potentially embarrassing info about that employee on a server somewhere, does not appear to be in anyone’s best interest.
³ If it’s not sufficiently clear, if by some miracle you haven’t discussed stain removal with your one time casual sex partner’s immediate work supervisor, don’t start now. I suggest letting this letter be your sole confessional. May the fires of the Internet’s nosy judgment pass over you gently and cleanse you as you take this secret to the grave.
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