#1307: “Persistently apologetic ex thinks he’s Miles Vorkosigan.”

Dear Captain,

This is a fairly low-stakes question, but I’m looking for strategies or scripts for a persistently apologetic ex.

I’m an ace/bi/“legion” woman in my early thirties (she/her).  My first relationship was four years ago, with “Miles” (he/him); we met through a shared weekly hobby that we both volunteer for.  Miles is the sort of academic who can analyze a text about emotional labor without, apparently, internalizing anything.  He often says things that range from clumsy (he was worried that I wasn’t academic enough—the masters I was working on was only a professional program) to hurtful (he never said that he loved me, for reasons that boiled down to me being ace).  He never really gets what he said wrong (he was just being honest!).  He didn’t do any lasting damage to me, but I don’t feel particularly patient with him these days (I’m also helping with a family health issue and trying to teach kindergarten in the middle of a pandemic, so my patience and bandwidth are currently limited).

Miles has ongoing issues with breakups and didn’t handle ours well.  I did a lot of work on boundaries and clear communication, including enforcing a period of no interaction.  Every time I gave him an inch he took a mile, but finally about a year ago we finally got to some kind of normal friendliness that meant we could work together on a new project (I am NOT willing to give up my work on something I’m passionate about).  It’s still unbalanced–he initiates all of our social contact–but I’m pretty sure he’s no longer convinced that we’re going to get back together.

My issue is the apologies.  The latest was tucked into a Christmas card, but he’s sent at least five or six over the past three years.  They’re all pretty similar: he uses the word “I” approximately 700 times more than the word “you,” realizes that he didn’t behave well during our relationship/breakup and regrets it, and muses on his own unresolved questions.  They each include a disclaimer about how this is his issue, not mine, and that I don’t need to forgive or absolve him—and yet they keep coming.

The apologies are sincere, and it’s very hard for me not to respond sympathetically to that—I too have over-apologized in an effort to get people to like me again!  But I’m over it.  I want to acknowledge that I got the latest note, but any response will just lead to him replying in more depth.  I need to have some sort of working relationship with him, and he badly wants to be friends.  How do I stay friendly and kind while also stopping the endless feelings!letters?  I’ve seen some of your posts about being on the other side of this issue, but I’m not sure what to do from here.

Sincerely,

Not Ekaterin

PS: Obviously he’s not Miles either, but I’m positive that’s part of his inspiration.

Hello, Not Ekaterin,

For those who haven’t read Bujold’s space opera books, there is a scene in one of them where our protagonist, Miles Vorkosigan, delivers a Very Good apology to someone he loves and has wronged.

What’s good about it: He keeps it brief, he takes full responsibility for how he messed up and the harm he caused, he’s fixed the damage to the extent he can, he stops doing any more damage immediately, and he releases the recipient completely from any obligations to him, including the one of responding. He does not ask for forgiveness or reassurance of any kind. He throws the flowery, self-justifying drafts in the trash can where they belong.

What’s even better about it: Afterward, he fucks off entirely and leaves her alone.

They do (spoiler!) rebuild a relationship afterward, but the ball is entirely in her court. He has zero expectations. 

What your ex is doing: Less apology, more literary wank exercise into your time and attention, a mix of self-insert fanfic, nonconsensual emotional support, and pure cringe. 

Letter Writer, I think you should hold on tight to your hobby — If someone’s going to take a sabbatical around this, it should be him.