Hello! It’s that time again, where we answer the things people typed into search engines as if they asked the questions. First, as is traditional, a little song to get us in the mood:
Now, we descend into the Id of the Internet:
1 “How to ask out your TA (teaching assistant).”
Leave your TA alone until well after the class is over. This person is at work. They have to be a certain amount of nice to you and available to you. And this should go without saying, but, TAs, leave the students in your classes alone until well after the class is over.
If you fall in like or love with each other, the world won’t end if you wait a few months to express it.
2 “Everytime I mention my husbands skidmarked underwear he gets abusive.”
Sounds like your husband is a man who should do his own laundry, by himself, in a house he lives in by himself, alone, forever.
3 “I found sex things in my parents’ room.”
Put them back, leave them alone, and leave the topic alone. It’s not your business.
Monthly plug for Scarleteen as a resource if you have questions about the stuff you found.
4 “I don’t want to move in with my boyfriend yet.”
Listen to that instinct and don’t move in together until or unless you really, really want to and look forward to it. Not everyone we love makes a good roommate, and it’s very expensive and annoying to unlink households once you’ve linked them.
5 “How to invite yourself to dinner.”
Here’s an idea: Maybe invite the other person to have dinner with you another time, at an event that you host and arrange.
Failing that, be direct: “Is this a private event, or can I join you?” or “Next time you host one of these things, I’d love to join you” and be prepared to take no for an answer.
6 “Do you stay with the first person you have sex with?”
Nope! Some people certainly do, but it is 100% not a requirement for a happy life. The first person you have sex with does not own you and you do not own them. It’s okay to move on from a first love or a first sex relationship and find other people to be with. Your very favorite person to have sex with might be your first, or your 10th, or your 100th. Make love and commitment decisions based on what will make you truly happy.
7 “He said he couldn’t see the relationship working out right now.”
This is a breakup, or a prelude to one.
8 “Holidays when parents hate spouse.”
Annual reminder that you do not have to “celebrate” with people who are mean to you and yours.
9 “How to go about a situation where you both like each other but she doesn’t want a relationship.”
Put the majority of your energy into other friendships, other dating possibilities. If “she” changes her mind she knows how to find you.
10 “How do I get my husband to be friends with my friends?”
This might not be possible, so my advice is: don’t force it. Invite him to spend time with you and friends, respect him if he doesn’t want to or wants to only in small doses. Not everyone is compatible with everyone else. Strive for friendly, fun, low stress interactions rather than pushing for deep mutual friendship. Give it a lot of time.
11 “Should I let him into bathroom when I’m there.”
If you are above the age of “little kid who needs help with the potty” and you need bathroom time to be Alone Time, that is an okay thing to want and to enforce.
12 “I said terrible things when my boyfriend & I broke up should I apologize?”
If you want to make a real apology and can do it without expecting anything in return, try this: “I know I said some pretty terrible things to you when we broke up, and I am sorry.” Then let it go.
13 “Is it a crime to say ‘fuck you’ on Facebook.”
Nope! Fuck you, Harvey Weinstein. Fuck you, Woody Allen. Fuck you, Kevin Spacey. Fuck all y’all predators and abusers.
14 “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m okay.”
It’s good to check in with the people you love: Are you enjoying this, is this okay, how are you, how was your day, etc. But there is a point where it crosses the line especially if it’s constant and if you’ve already answered. Sometimes the answer to that question is “yes!” Sometimes it’s “Nope.” Sometimes it’s “Eh, I don’t know, but I don’t want to talk about it.
If you’re in this situation, 1) Be honest about your relative level of okayness when the girlfriend asks 2) Ask her to accept your first answer.
15 “How the feck do you get over someone?”
With a lot of time, and throwing yourself into other pursuits, and being gentle and kind to yourself. Mostly time.
16 “I don’t know why my boyfriend’s even with me he just won’t break up with me.”
If he loves you and wants to be with you, and you want to be with him, what would it take for you to trust that? If you’re waiting for him to dump you, why not make the decision to end the relationship yourself? He’s not the only one with power here.
17 “Girl says ‘you deserve someone better’.”
Girl is saying “You and me, it’s not going to work out.”
18 “My boyfriend doesn’t believe in my blogging.”
I’m skeptical of the viability of relationships between where partners don’t like or believe in the other person’s creative work. If you love blogging, keep doing that.
19 “You meet someone and find out you have mutual acquaintances. Is it ok to ask friend for number?”
Sure! I generally don’t give out my friends’ phone numbers or emails without asking their permission first, so maybe this is a better way to make contact: “I’d love to get in touch with [mutual friend]. Do you mind passing on my number or email to them and making an introduction?” That way the person has the information they need if they want to get in touch with you but they get to maintain their privacy.
20 “What do I say when I don’t want to get together with a neighbor for lunch?”
“No thank you!” “Thanks for the invitation, but no.”
21 “How to tell your boyfriend he needs to shower.”
“Babe, please take a shower.” Directness is kindness.
22 “How to tell him you only want sex.”
“I’m in this just for the sex. Is that cool with you?” Directness is kindness.
23 “Poor boyfriend wants to move in with me.”
There’s nothing wrong with not having money or wanting to move in with a partner, but the wording of this search leads me to make this recommendation again: Do not combine households with a romantic partner unless you enthusiastically want to live together and are excited to live together. It’s okay to say “I love you, but I’m not ready to take that step yet. You should make another plan.”
24 “What does it mean when someone says ‘maybe in the future?'”
They mean “Not now.”
25 “Ten kinds of people not to invite to your party.”
- People who don’t know their own limits re: substances.
- People who have done crappy stuff to you or your friends.
- People who don’t respect other people’s space or stuff.
- Racist people.
- Sexist people.
- Homophobic people.
- Transphobic people.
- “Missing Stairs” (source: The Pervocracy, which is awesome but may not be safe for everyone’s work browsing)
- People you don’t like.
- The guy who sees that you have a guitar, grabs it without asking, and starts “jamming” in the middle of your living room.
- People who use the word “sheeple.”
Let’s help this poor content mill writer who Googled this out!
26 “My new boyfriend suddenly became a jerk.”
What if you took evasive action now, and broke up with this jerk?
27 “Why is my crush everyone’s crush?”
Some people are just foxy.
28 “I refused to open my door to my friend who visits too often.”
If you are a person who drops by unannounced and uninvited, you gotta get used to the idea that people might not always be available, so I hope they took it in stride! Script: “Friend, I’m not always ‘at home to visitors.’ I need you to stop dropping by unless I’ve invited you and we’ve set something up in advance. Can we agree to that?”
This script can be easily adapted for neighbors who like to just pop by (there were like 17 of these in the search terms).
Happy Halloween! I look forward to viewing many photos of animals and cute kids on social media today.