It’s time for the monthly ritual where we answer the things people typed into search engines as if they were actual questions.
True story: In 1986 my 6th grade class did a medley/pageant thing from Camelot and I sang a highly edited version of this song wearing a flower crown, an ice blue polyester bridesmaid’s dress that had been adapted to be somewhat ren-faire-ish, and (of course) my giant plastic 1980s Dawn Weiner/Sally Jesse Raphael/Log Lady eyeglasses.
1) “I can’t have romantic feelings.”
a) You don’t have to! and b) You might be aromantic. Look it up, find your people, be happy.
2) “As a bi girl am I doomed to end up with a guy?”
Depending on where you live men who like women may be more numerous than women who like women, so it may take you longer to find women you connect with. However, please don’t “end up with” or even “date” anyone who makes you wonder “Is this my doom?” Be picky and choose people who fucking delight you.
3) “He can’t be with me because of depression”
He can’t be with you.
4) “Introvert boyfriend broke up with me”
He broke up with you.
5) He says he wants us to be together eventually, what does that mean?
He doesn’t want you to be together now.
6) “What does ‘I can’t be what you need from me’ mean?”
“Don’t count on this relationship to be what you need.” “I am checking out of/trying to end this relationship.”
7) Boyfriend makes fun of medical condition.
What. A. Jerk.
8) “He doesn’t give me allowance but he wants to control my appearance.”
Even if he did give you an allowance he doesn’t get to control your appearance unless you have an explicit “this is a fun thing we like to do/kink we share and enjoy” agreement.
9) “I don’t like my boyfriend’s physical appearance.”
- Learn to like something about how he looks and enjoy the beautiful love you share.
- Admit to yourself that looks are really important to you and gently set him free to find someone who loves how he looks.
10) “Too many Indian neighbours.”
Move. Your neighbors shouldn’t have to live next to a gross xenophobe like you.
11) “Should I try speed dating?”
Sure! If you you don’t like someone or they don’t like you, there will be a new person in a few minutes, and if you hate it you never have to go back.
Glad you asked! I run an entire website devoted to this.
13) “I won’t allow my husband to play with female band mates.”
Women are half the human race, so, that’s a pretty sucky thing to do.
14) “How can I proceed to relationship that I already know she is not interested in relationship yet?” & 15) How to make a long distance girl you don’t know fall in love?
Or, you could just…not?
If you know for a fact someone is not interested in a relationship, leave them alone?
If someone lives far away and doesn’t know you exist, maybe…leave them alone and find someone a) closer to home b) who knows you and c) already likes you?
Stop trying to project-manage unattainable love?
Probably not, as long as you offer a clean, real apology:
- Step 1: “I’m really sorry for [specific thing I did that hurt or upset you].”
- Step 2: Hope for the best but let it go. Let him be the one to decide if he forgives, when he forgives, and what happens now.
- Step 3: Don’t do the thing again.
17) “Social anxiety play dates.”
This person was probably searching for this thread about arranging play dates for your kids when you have social anxiety, but it would be so cool if this were an app or a service that hooked people up with social anxiety buddies.
18) Ugliest floral arrangement for a funeral for someone you hate.
Yessssssssssssssssss! Let’s be hate-florists!
I found a website listing traditional flower meanings.What if we combined: