Behind a cut for some questionable practices around consent.
I have a situation I hope you can help with. For the last few years, I had a client that I’ve had a major crush on. We had a great rapport, shared political views, easy conversation, he’d bring thoughtful gifts as a tip, I was hugely attracted to him. Only problem, he was married. Last year, he and his wife divorced. By that point, I was seeing him less often in a professional capacity and we had developed a friendship. Newly single, he ventured into the world of internet dating and would talk to me and ask advice about navigating situations.
I finally got the courage to ask him on a date myself. We had dinner, went back to his place, and proceeded to have some of the worst sex of my life-just no chemistry whatsoever and awkward as all hell. It totally destroyed the attraction and crush in general. After a few instances of me dodging getting together again I think he got the point I didn’t care to repeat the experience.
The issue now is that he texts me to tell me about situations he has with women he’s dating, showing me sexy photos of them, passing along compliments they’ve paid him about his sexual prowess, and most recently telling me he had been “exploring depravity” with a woman who would first get blackout drunk before “making requests of him he hadn’t imagined ever entertaining”.
These shares are totally unwelcome and make me uncomfortable. They seem designed to make me jealous/entice me into trying a second round with him, and I’m made SUPER uncomfortable with the fact that it sounds like he’s engaging in heavy kink or other sexual practices with someone who is inebriated (he is 20 years sober). How do I tell him to knock it off, and should I tell him his practices sound extremely questionable? I originally chalked up his inappropriate sharing to being new to online dating and dating in general after 10-plus years of marriage but now he is firmly in “40-something man who claims to be anarcha-feminist but brags about banging much younger chicks on instagram” territory.
What should I say? If it helps, he is no longer a client so I won’t have to interact professionally in the future.
(gender neutral pronouns please!)
Dear Not Impressed,
This dude has crossed the line in all kinds of ways. I think it’s time for extreme bluntness:
“Doing that with someone while they are ‘blackout drunk’ sounds extremely sketchy, dangerous, and possibly illegal if they are too incapacitated to consent. Scary and not good. Also, I do not enjoy receiving these updates about your sex life. Please stop.”
He will say something predictably passive-aggressive about how very into “the depravity” his partner is* and it’s not like he’s some kind of rapist and he thought you were okay with him asking advice and sharing personal sexy stuff and if you weren’t okay with it why didn’t you say something before? You won’t know or care what exactly he says because you will have already blocked him and deleted him from your life.
*Maybe his partner IS into it and it’s allllllllllll above board and they read kink safety manuals together in their free time. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hit your alarm bells and that you’re not allowed to state your opinions and concerns about safety & consent, especially when he’s going out of his way to make it your business.
Sorry a cool dude turned out to be so skeevy.