Dear Captain Awkward,
Met this girl through her uncle, have known her for
Over 20 months, we’ve met a couple of times, nothing much happened, but used to keep ourselves updated over texts, she asked me out for dinner or lunch a couple of times, I had important things to address at that point of time, nor was I sure about my feelings towards her, it’s been six months since she moved to Australia for her education, that’s when I realised she’s the one, i’m not active much on social media, don’t keep my profile updated, and I did confess to her about me liking her, she said it was overwhelming but she isn’t into anyone now and wishes to focus on her career and has a lot going on her plate now, and since then she says she’s busy with all her things back there, but i see she’s got a pretty happening life making new guy friends and isn’t as busy as she’d told me that she is, with all her assessments and assignments, according to her social media updates, when I’m back here in India, wasting my time thinking about her, she’s back in town but hasn’t kept me informed, got to know this through social media too, and I have no idea what she thinks about me, because the moment I told her I like her, she tried avoiding, when I stopped completely she checked on me a couple of times by leaving me texts and when I replied acting like nothing ever happened, I feel she’s brushed me off, saying she’s got her semester exams going, and is currently in town meeting all her friends here, and we’re twenty years old, please do not ask me to refer a forum! 😛 Thank you.
You say: “I have no idea what she thinks about me.”
But you do have some idea, in that you told this girl you had feelings for her and she a) said it was “overwhelming” and she was “not into anyone right now” (‘anyone’ includes you) b) pulled back from interacting with you, including not making plans to meet up when she was back in town and c) you feel (correctly) like she’s “brushed you off” because she’s acting like nothing ever happened.
Whatever her feelings way back when you first met, she does not think of you as a romantic possibility, if/when she thinks about you at all. Nobody can be “the one” romantic partner for you unless they want to be. Someone can check every box on your dream partner wishlist and have great chemistry with you and everyone who knows you both could agree that you would be just perfect together and and and and…. it’s still not gonna happen unless they want to be with you. It’s just not a decision you can make unilaterally without the full and enthusiastic participation of the other person. If this woman wanted to be with you, you’d know, because she’d be telling you that she returns your feelings and she would make sure to spend time with you. She’s not doing any of those things. She is texting you to say “hi”, like she would for any friend. Remove the Wishful Thinking goggles and look clearly at her actions and words.
It’s time for you to:
a) Listen to the Statistically Accurate Love Song.
b) Stop monitoring her activities on social media. Her friendships and free time are not really your business, and it’s just making you anxious and jealous.
c) Make some plans with your friends and try to meet some new people.
d) When you find yourself thinking about her, try to distract yourself. Acknowledge the thought and then imagine it floating away like a little cloud or popping like a balloon.
e) Be nice to yourself and give it time to feel better.
Letter Writer, when you told her how you felt, you did a cool, brave thing. Rejection hurts, and the anxiety and loss you are feeling is real. Most of us have been there many awkward, painful times, and we learn over time that it’s not the end of the world. I promise you that you will be fine in time if you can let this woman go and stop obsessing. One person not wanting to be with you isn’t a statement about your value; plenty of people will be happy to get to know you and eventually some of them will appreciate your affection and loyalty and be happy to return those feelings and meet someone like you who is not afraid to put his feelings out there. The longer you stay fixated on this one girl, the longer it will take you to find them.
With love and good wishes from the other side of the world,