I’m not sure whether my partner is happy in our relationship, and I’m hoping for scripts to help us to talk about this. I only want what’s best for her, only I don’t think that’s me. I know it sounds like a silly thing to say, but I think she’s only going out with me to please her family/friends by going out with a man when she possibly prefers women. I knew she was bisexual before we started dating, but I’m starting to think that she has a strong preference for women (if she finds men attractive at all). I know I may have the wrong idea and she just doesn’t like me, but this is what my thinking is based on:
- She only watches lesbian porn as she doesn’t like the men in it. (Understandable).
- She’s scared of penetration so much that I can’t put a finger inside her (could be a number of medical reasons).
- With our sex life, it’s usually me getting her off with her not reciprocating. She’ll ask me to go down on her but she doesn’t seem interested in my body. (She may just be a selfish lover).
- She’s so scared of sperm: we’re not having sex, she’s on the pill, I wear a condom and she still insists on being fully clothed when she touches me (just in case).
I’m thinking with all her hangups with getting with a male, she may be better off in a relationship with a woman. Obviously, I may have this all wrong and this isn’t really my decision to make. What’s a good way to get her to assess our relationship, to be honest with herself and to see if it’s what she wants? If this is what she wants and she’s just having a hard time opening up sexually, what’s the best way I can support her?
Wanting to be supportive
Dear Wanting To Be Supportive,
You say: “What’s a good way to get her to assess our relationship, to be honest with herself and to see if it’s what she wants?”
It sounds to me like she *has* communicated what she wants in bed. She wants it to be just like it is now. You could start a conversation along the lines of “Hey, are you happy with our sex life? Is there anything you want to be doing that we aren’t doing?” but first, be honest with yourself. Is this what you want? Is your current sex life working for you? If you knew sex with this partner would always be this way, would you want to stay in the relationship?
(I’m guessing…no? But only you can answer that).
What if you started discussions about sex partner NOT from the assumption that this is “for her own good” or “because you only want what’s best for her” or “because you think she’s only going out with you to please her friends/family by dating a man” but because your sex life together isn’t working for you?
Don’t worry about her sexual future with other men or with women, what choices she’ll make down the road, what her *true* sexuality is, or how to help her “open up”sexually. It could be that she’s not that into men, it could be that she’s not that into you, specifically, it could be that she needs to take everything glacially slow, it could be some medical issues, or a combination of all of it. You don’t have to get to the bottom of it, be right about it, or prove it to her (or make breaking up seem like it’s all her idea so you can feel like the bigger person who sacrificed for her). I know you want to do the kind thing here, and you don’t want to be a guy who doesn’t respect boundaries or who pressures his girlfriend into things she doesn’t want to do, so my recommendation is that you end the relationship as kindly and cleanly as you can and go find someone who is sexually compatible with you. She’ll find her own way.
My suggested script is something like “This isn’t working for me and I’d like to stop” and/or “I care about you deeply but we are not compatible and it’s time to break up.”
Edited to Add: Closing the thread before it becomes permanently stranded on Derail Island.