Hello my Captain!
I’ve spent some time scrolling through the “sex” tag and I can’t really find something that fits the issue I’m currently having.
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about 6 months. The sex has been great, for the most part, but lately I’ve been feeling neglected in bed and I’m not sure how to bring it up or address it. He never seems to care if I get off or not, and sexytimes always end when he does, unless I specifically ask him to get me off. Last night things really came to a head (heh). He asked me for oral sex, finished, and then…went to sleep. I cried myself to sleep. I don’t know how to bring it up with him, or even if I should. He seems completely unaware that anything out of the ordinary happened. I feel so hurt and used. How can I bring this up with him after the fact?
This isn’t a one or two-time thing, you’re using words like “never” and “always” to describe the behavior. You’re crying yourself to sleep 6 months into a new relationship because your partner has forgotten that your body & pleasure exist.
There are two very direct ways to handle this:
- Skip directly to breaking up.
- Say, “Do you realize the past couple times we’ve had sex it’s been all about you and not at all about me? What’s going on with that?” and see what he says. Listen for words like “I’m so sorry, you’re completely right” and look for actions like Being Better At Paying Attention To Your Needs.
Over the course of a long-term relationship, getting off doesn’t always have to be exactly tit for tat, but the fact that it’s this unbalanced this quickly, the fact that’s it’s not a conversation (You’re not saying “aw, go to sleep, dear!” and he’s not returning the favor on another day), and the fact that it seems to be ongoing don’t predict that this will be a very long-term relationship.
As an aside, I’m reading Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are and it’s great.