My straight friends will not stop talking about boys. Specifically, if they have boyfriends: How awful their boyfriends and sex lives are (in excruciating detail). If they don’t have boyfriends, it’s all stuff like the latest japanese dating sim they’ve found, and how hot the (disturbingly, rapey) plot lines are and dick in general, to me, a Lesbian.
With the boyfriend thing, it’s always about how condescending/annoying/lazy/useless their boyfriends are, or how horrible they are in bed, how much vaginal sex hurts/is boring, and when I say: Then why don’t you break up with him? They gasp and clutch their pearls and subject me to another tirade about how he is really a Nice Guy and he’s been getting SO much better since they told him all his problems and he folded one whole shirt this week! Without being asked! So I’m being cruel/judgmental/I don’t know what I’m talking about, telling them to break up with him. Yet, next week, they’ll have the same complaints and no matter how much I try and change the subject, I have to hear about how she is allergic to his semen and also, can’t walk right for days after they do it because it’s so excruciatingly painful (but it’s okay, she really wants it! Not having a horribly painful experience/vaginal sex, isn’t an option because she wants that /connection/ with him).
My straight friends that don’t have boyfriends make dick jokes constantly, talk about how hot guys are, try and show me nude pictures of dudes they’ve drawn, etc. In one-on-one conversations with me! A lesbian! Who has said many times, I do not care about that stuff or the entire, 20 minute plot description of the anime episode you just watched, where it’s really cute/funny when main male character sneaks up behind female characters and grabs their boobs. Not only am I disgusted, I am bored out of my mind, and feel extremely alienated.
The few lesbians I’ve talked to about this online, say this is exactly the reason why they do not hang out/are no longer close friends with straight woman, because stuff like this always happens eventually, and no matter how often you tell them that you don’t want to hear about their disturbing heterosexual shenanigans, they will not listen to you. But I love so many of these crazy woman dearly, and I find I can hardly accept not-being-friends with any straight woman, ever again, because most woman are straight woman! Do you have any advice how to handle this without starting a whole new social group from scratch? And excluding myself from caring about the majority of woman in this country?
Confused And Grossed Out
I’m not going to lie and say that I’ve never giggled while swapping harrowing Tales of the D with a close female friend, especially when I was much younger and sex was a brand new experience, but fortunately my experience also tells me that one can have close friends of all genders and orientations for multiple decades without ever, ever, ever knowing a single thing about how they and their partners Do It. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you need cooler friends who have some home training and more in common with you. It’s not cool to keep talking about explicit subjects when someone has asked you not to, and showing you naked pictures of dudes when they know it bugs you is straight-up trolling. I think it’s possible that some of your friends are doing a gross, homophobic, bullying sort of thing with their behaviors and I’m not here for it.
So, my #1 recommendation is for you to seek out other social spaces so that these friends aren’t your only friends and so you can try hanging with them in smaller doses. Try looking for MeetUps or activities based around a specific hobby/sport/creative pastime so there is plenty of stuff to talk about as you get to know new folks. Try looking for LGBTQ-friendly spaces, especially if you haven’t specifically done so until now.
In the meantime, when you do see your current friends, your scripts are simple but not easy:
- “This is not interesting to me.”
- “I don’t enjoy hearing about dude problems.”
- “That’s repulsive. Please stop talking about it.”
- “Why are you telling me this.”
- “Hey, Captain Overshare, I’m eating.”
- “Subject change please.”
- “It’s okay to be obsessed with boys, I guess, but I’m not the right audience for that.”
- “When I tell you I don’t want to hear something, why do you keep talking?”
- “What does it take to get a subject changed around here?”
I know you’ve already been saying this stuff, so I’ll suggest an addition. When your friends start holding forth, try a strategy of redirecting twice and then bailing on the conversation if nothing changes. How it works:
Them: “My boyfriend’s di-“
You: “-Yikes! Stop right there!” (Yes, straight up interrupt them before they get going)
Them: “Aw! Don’t be like that! I was just going to tell you how his di-“
You: “Seriously! Let’s have a subject change. I don’t like hearing the details about that stuff.”
Them: Something something something that translates as “But that’s literally the only thing I can talk about!“
You: “Well, good seeing you, but I really don’t want to hear this.” And go. Leave the table, leave the room, leave the conversation, maybe leave the building. For explicit images, don’t even wait to redirect them. Just walk away and don’t look at them. You can verbally communicate a boundary, but what makes it a boundary is following through with consequences if the person doesn’t respect the stated limit. Sorry in advance for all the times you’ll end up walking away from a still-warm burrito or half-full beer because your friends are being assholes.
One effect this will have is that you will be able to tell the People Who Can Be Reasoned With from the Assholes Who Enjoy Making You Uncomfortable fairly quickly. Good friends will apologize and better yet, they will change how they behave around you. Those people can be followed up with alone or in small groups, to cement the friendship away from the assholes. Oblivious people who can’t be counted on will continue showering you with gory details and unwanted nude images. I understand your reluctance to test out which kind of person you are dealing with, on suspicion that more of your current social group are the latter kind, but what you have is less a “straight women talk about nothing but dudes” problem than a “I keep telling my friends that a certain topic makes me uncomfortable, but they won’t listen or believe me” problem.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s not fair that you should have to contemplate losing your social group because people won’t act right.
Moderation Note: Sometime in the night, this thread reached Peak Derail. Thanks to everyone who contributed a constructive, on-topic observation, and I’m glad the LW got what they needed.