Time for (mostly) monthly feature where we answer the things people typed into search engines as if they were questions.
1. “How to tell my parents I’m moving out.”
You have found the place, yes?
You have a way to pay for the place and a way to move your stuff to the place? If you are expecting resistance from your folks around the topic of moving out, having your financial and logistical house in order is a wonderful rebuttal.
Make your plan, and then tell them when the pieces of the plan are in place. “Mom/Dad, Mom/Mom, Dad/Dad, Mom/Dad/Moppa, I found a new place and I’m going to move there on x date. Thanks for putting me up, I really appreciate it.”
If these aren’t the sort of parents who will be happy about this news, don’t bother trying to sell them on the features of this or convince them that it’s a good idea or give reasons or get too far into the details. “I’ve got that handled, thanks for asking!” is a good non-answer for the intrusive.
2. “How to say that you want her but just can’t be together.”
What are you trying to communicate here, and what do you want to happen after you say this? If you can own the decision as a decision (and not throw your hands up to vague “circumstances”) you will put “her” in the best possible position to move on. “I really like you and care about you, but I’ve decided that we shouldn’t be together.” “I am so attracted to you, but I’m sorry, I know that I don’t want to be with you in that kind of relationship.”
3. “My cousin will not speak to me on the phone but will only text am I being avoided.”
Does your cousin text you back promptly, and initiate texting sometimes? Then it’s likely you are not being avoided, but phone conversations are being avoided. Does your cousin not really respond to communications? Then maybe they are avoiding you.
One way to find out/get what you want done: “Cousin, I know you prefer texts, but can we talk on the phone for a few minutes later today? I have some stuff to hash out and it will be quicker that way. Thanks.”
4. “What to say on a suicide hotline.”
“I’m having a rough time and some suicidal thoughts, can I talk to someone about that?”
Those hotline operators have heard it all, my friend. You aren’t going to weird them out or somehow “do it wrong.” They are waiting for you to call and take a step toward feeling better.
5. “How to quit in a awkward workplace.”
Do it in writing. “Dear Boss, I am leaving my position as of (date). Best wishes,”
Two weeks’ notice is usual in the USA. You don’t have to tell them where you are going or why, especially not in the resignation letter.
6. “My ex fiance made it very clear he doesn’t want to hear from me.”
Whatever brought about those circumstances clearly SUCKS, but I hope you’ll take him at his word and let it be a truly clean break for both of you.
7. “My ex wants to talk but I don’t.”
Tell them once: “I want to make this a clean break. Please stop contacting me.”
If you’ve already done so, good. Your next step in both cases is to not respond to any contact from them, no matter what form it takes. Set them to perma-ignore.
8. “What to say to an ex-boyfriend when he still emails you.”
Total silence is good. You can set up a filter so that these messages bypass your inbox completely if you like.
9. “How to deal with guy who says he doesn’t want a relationship with you but with another girl.”
Step 1: Believe his words.
Step 2: Ignore his existence.
Step 3: Go live your awesome life.
10. “What are the reasons for wife to be angry with me while we are in bed.”
This could be so many things. “Wife, I feel like you are angry at me, but I don’t know why. What’s the deal?”
11. “My mom hates me and my boyfriend porn.”
I’m sure it’s out there, because every kind of porn is out there. Seek and ye shall find!
12. “Don’t bother sending kisses to people who ignore someone when they have other things to do and people to see to.”
13. “A girl shows interest in public but ignores my fb msgs.”
She may never check her Facebook messages. Do you have another way to contact her?
What happens if you translate this as “A girl shows kindness/attention when we’re in public, but when I try to contact her more directly she ignores/rebuffs it”?
You’d probably stop sending her messages, is my guess, which is the correct path here. If she wants to message you, she can and she will.
14. “Movie set in New Orleans with African Americans.”
It’s a TV show and not a movie, but I’m partial to HBO’s Treme and the masterful performances by Clarke Peters, Wendell Pierce, Khandi Alexander, and others. Try to keep not dancing while listening to this. Trouble The Water is a powerhouse documentary, told real time during Hurricane Katrina by survivors. Kasi Lemmon’s Eve’s Bayou is set in rural Louisiana and is a freaking masterpiece of acting and directing.
15. “Hot sexy drunk texts.”
“The temperature is very high in here, I am drunk, and you are sexy,” covers most of these bases.
16. “Shit boyfriend and an asshole brother in law.”
The Toast, one of my favorite websites, has many readings that will appeal to you in this time of personal misandry.
17. “My boyfriend said I can’t visit because he is hosting his cousin.”
18. “Had dinner with friends and wanted to let them know we enjoyed their company.”
An email or a text or a handwritten note that says: “It was so nice to see you, let’s do this again soon!” would not go amiss.
19. “How do you get rid of your son’s girlfriend.”
CONTACT THE SPELLCASTER
WIRE $1000 US TO ME BELOVED
Or, realize that who your son dates is not your decision, so chill out and wait. If she’s really as bad as you think, he’ll wake up to it a lot sooner if he doesn’t have to cleave unto her to prove a point to you.
20. “My partner ignores me for days on end to my face. Is this emotional abuse.”
21. “Behold the field in which I grow my fucks.”