Here’s a few things about me to help you understand my story. I am 23, a virgin, and have never had a romantic relationship with a man besides a date.
A few weeks ago I recently went for a night out drinking with three guys that I work with. One of whom, Greg, I invited along because I’ve had a slowly developing crush on him for the past few months and wanted to hang out with him outside work. The night was fun, but took a different turn than I expected once Greg started getting really drunk. We’d flirted earlier in the night, but once he was drunk he started hitting on another girl, clearly hoping to go home with her. She ended up leaving and when I approached him to say he should get home he asked me if I would go with him and sleep with him. I told him no because he was really drunk, but said I would give him a ride home. On the way he started talking about how it’s better to remain closed off because he’s opened up in relationships and put in a ton of effort and only gotten hurt, but wasn’t sure why he was telling me this because nothing would come of it. When we got to his house he invited me in and we talked for a while before we kissed. We started making out eventually and he asked me to spend the night. I did, but we didn’t have sex. The next morning was awkward, neither one of us saying much, and we agreed to just see each other at work.
The following week we had a discussion about it at his place and he said he didn’t want a relationship. I told him I’d like to get to know him better and to try to be friends and he agreed. We spent the night talking and watching movies and I slept over again, though nothing physical happened. A few days later he sent me a flirty text and we spent the night flirting, agreeing to meet up again. I went over later in the week and we talked, watched movies, made out (I initiated it), and played chess until 5 in the morning and I spent the night again.
This last week we’ve had conversations via text about personal things, getting to know each other. A few days ago we had another work outing at a bar and each of us said how it was a possibility we would go home together again. As we left the bar he texted me to say I should come over if I wanted, so I did. At his place he shared personal things with me and eventually we went to his room. We almost had sex, but I stopped it. He respected my decision, but I think he was upset and we did other stuff (which I enjoyed) without actually having sex. I wanted to have sex with him, but wasn’t sure if I should because we’re not dating and he doesn’t want to date me. He said he hasn’t fooled around with anyone besides me in a year and half, but said that we’re not exclusive, which definitely bothers me.
When I asked him what he would call us he said that we’re friends and that he is someone I can talk to about anything I want if I need to. He did however say that he doesn’t form emotional connections, which is confusing because it seems like that’s what we’ve been doing. I am a major overthinker, something he knows and has been trying to help me with. I struggle with opening up to him because I’m afraid of what he’ll think and he has been really great with trying to let me know I can share things about myself with him. He’s been very open with me.
We’ve left things saying that we’d like to keep doing what we’re doing because it’s fun and he told me I “shouldn’t ruin a good thing with my overthinking.” I want to enjoy this without obsessing about it too much, but I’m not sure how. My questions are:
Should I just relax and enjoy this despite the fact I want it to be something more?
Does Greg seem like a good guy?
Thank you for reading!
Are you “enjoying” a “fun” time with Greg or are you busy trying to figure out the secret formula that will make him form an emotional attachment to you and relationship with you?
I think it’s the second thing, so my advice is “abort!”
- He won’t form emotional attachments to you, but he’ll dump all his emotions and tell you all about his history of hurt from other relationships. “On the way he started talking about how it’s better to remain closed off because he’s opened up in relationships and put in a ton of effort and only gotten hurt, but wasn’t sure why he was telling me this because nothing would come of it.” OH NO HE’S SO BROODING AND VULNERABLE.
- He’ll hit on other girls in front of you, but settle for you when he is super drunk and no one else is there.
- You are bothered by the fact that you are not exclusive. This alone would be a reason to bail on the whole thing, because by definition, you are not relaxed right now.
- You keep “almost” having sex and he’s upset when you don’t actually do it and you’re giving him way too much credit for being “cool” about it. Being cool about a partner’s sexual boundaries is not some favor he’s doing you, it’s basic humanity.
- He tells you that you overthink things…things like “not fucking him immediately”…and sets himself up as your helper. Your sexy-but-emotionally-unavailable helper. Seems legit.
- For the record, I don’t think you are overthinking it. I think you are trying to be true to your own needs, and that examining his behavior vs. his words is smart and self-protective of you.
He told you exactly what is going on: He is not emotionally attached to you, does not want to be exclusive with you, and does not want to date you. Believe this information! There are lots of things that people say when they want to sleep with you but not to actually be with you. Things like “I don’t really form emotional attachments.” “I’m kind of an asshole” or “I don’t really want anything serious right now.” Try to get in the habit of seeing these as postulates and not theorems that need testing. I don’t think he is evil. I think he’s lazy, and careless with your feelings. And I think that he is using a very recognizable set of tactics to both keep you interested (so you’ll fuck him) and try to get you to go quietly (when he bails). He thinks that by being preemptively honest with you about all of the above that it absolves him from any responsibility to ever care about your feelings.
So, today is Saturday.
Late tonight, if he doesn’t find someone else to mess around with, I predict that he will send you a flirty text.
I hope that you will not get that text because you have already blocked his number. And when he asks you about it at work, you can be like “sorry, had other plans/changed my mind” and then never speak of it again. If he whines, you can say “Dude, I thought you didn’t do emotions. I was having fun, but then I thought better of it, so I stopped. Let’s just go back to being work buds.”
You are too cool to be some lazy dude’s sexual backup plan. I don’t think it’s wrong to have casual sex, and I don’t think it would be wrong for you to have sex with Greg out of pure horniness and curiosity and then text him again/never text him again as you see fit. as long as you do it intentionally and very, very safely. I don’t want to ruin this magical feeling of attraction and ‘maybe’ for you. It’s fun to have fantasies and make out with people. It’s fun to play a game of “almost.” It’s fun to have crushes and obsessions and stories of a misspent youth.
But you asked me, and I am old, I can see that you like him way more than he likes you. You think about him waaaaay more than he thinks about you. You already know that this is unbalanced and kinda doomed. Still want to do it? I promise you, whatever the really shitty movie that came out on Valentine’s Day says, having sex will not magically level up ANYTHING about your connection to each other. It will not make him nicer to you than he is right now, and he won’t grow emotions at you because you did it.
P.S. If you have a body that can get pregnant, and you have not already done so, make sure you are maximally protected against pregnancy and as informed as possible about sexual health and STIs. This dude has “it just happened!” written all over him.
P.P.P.S. Lazy dudes sometimes inspire really great songs after the fact.