Every month I try to answer the questions people typed into search engines to find this place as if they were questions people asked me. I add punctuation, but I leave the text alone.
1. “Ex no longer contacts me.”
If you have shared custody or financial entanglements, this is a problem. If you don’t, this is probably a healthy evolution of things that means that time is doing its healing work.
2. “Nerdy desperate dating problems.”
You’re probably in the right place. Start here.
3. “I want to hang out with my ex because I’m bored.”
That is not a good reason. Probably you should call literally anyone else.
4. “He says he wants space. What does he mean?” & “What does he mean when he says he can’t give me what I want?”
Statements like this are very often a preludes to a breakup, or a break, or a request to hang out less, or a request to take the relationship down a level in terms of seriousness and time together. Whatever the person telling you intends, a good message to take away from statements like this is that you are being asked or warned to invest less of yourself in whatever this thing is. Don’t make big plans with this person, like, getting a place together or moving closer to them or adopting a pet. Reach out to people in your life who are not this person, and put your energy into other friendships and connections.
5. “Uncle touch breasts petting the cat on my lap.”
There are accidental touches, and then there are touches that might be bad touches (and you know because they make you uncomfortable and they make you type things like that into search engines). If it happens again, this is one of those times to visibly startle, yelp, say “HEY!” and stand up and maybe the cat will end up sort of on your uncle’s face. Someone who touched you totally by accident will be sheepish and embarrassed and never, ever, ever do it again. You’ll know a creeper because he will try to shame you for making a big deal, as if you are the one in the wrong. I give you full permission to make a SCENE.
6. “I feel cheated on when friend wants new friends.”
That is a sucky feeling and it is really hard to just sit with it and deal with it without making it your friend’s problem, but if you are an adult and you want to keep this friendship, that is what I suggest you do. There is no script for “I wish you wouldn’t hang out with other people without me” that sounds good. Be really nice to yourself, find an outlet for those feelings like a journal or a therapist, and give it some time.
7. “I fuck goats.”
I do not think the goats enjoy that, like, at all. NO BUENO.
8. “Terrible names to call your sister.”
You should probably leave your sister alone and just go your separate ways rather than name-calling, but the Shakespeare Insult Kit is kind of fun.
9. “Once a rapist always a rapist?”
Statistically speaking, yeah. Rapists rape repeatedly.
10. I have a gay boyfriend but I keep masturbating.
Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. It’s not cheating. It’s not wrong.
11. “What does it mean when a man says he doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.”
It means that this is someone you should avoid, completely, forever. This is such a shithead thing to say.
12. “Its my husband’s responsibility to clean his poo stain.”
Is he physically able to do this? If so, you’ll get no argument from me.
13. “I feel guilty for breaking a blind date.”
Forgive yourself. You didn’t want to meet that person.
14. “You know she wants to have sex just need to say the right thing.”
The “right thing” probably is to ask “Do you want to have sex?” and see if “she” answers “yes.” Then you’ll know, and you’ll have said the “right thing” to find out.
15. “How to politely, firmly stop attending club meetings due to physical disabilities.”
Email the organizer. “Hi _____, I wanted to let you know that won’t be at club meetings for the forseeable future, so please don’t plan on me. I’ve got some (personal/health/other priorities/whatever you are comfortable sharing, keeping in mind that you don’t need to give a reason) taking my attention right now, I’ll let you know if anything changes. Thanks for all you do!”
Then you don’t need to reply to anything, and you don’t need to go.
16. “What does it mean when she says when and if the time is right we will meet?”
She may want to meet someday, but she does not want to meet either “now” or “soon” or “anytime that is actually planned out and committed to on an actual calendar.”
17. “What kind of question to seduce a female?”
A female what?
P.S. Don’t call women that. It’s dehumanizing and gross.
18. “Is it bad to break up with someone after a week?”
Is waiting gonna make it better? “I am so sorry, I am not feeling it, and we should break this off.” Set yourself and that person free.
19. “He says no relationship but he acts like he is into me.”
Believe the words and get some distance from him. If he changes his mind, he knows how to find you and how to tell you about that, but I’d hate to see you hanging around waiting for that to happen.
20. “Captain Awkward, how do I get my ex back?”
You reach out once to say “Ex, would you be willing to give it another try?” and then you abide 100% by whatever they tell you, is my suggestion. No guarantees, but this one approach is at least honest, respectful, and will get you an answer without wasting a lot of your time.