As of August 28, comments are closed. Letter Writer: Go read some books by women, try out some new social activities, GO TO A REAL THERAPIST, and be well.
Dear Captain Awkward,
So I’m a guy, 20 years old and totally devoid of any form of romantic relationship. Ever. I’ve never so much as held hands with a member of the opposite sex, never mind anything else. I’m getting incredibly lonely and yes before you say it, I did behave like a nice guy tm once and just once. I was an ass, I made an incredible fool of myself, I traumatized my friends and worst of all, I hurt that poor girls feelings. She wasn’t the nicest person and took advantage of me, but I hurt her feelings and I made sure when I came to my senses that I apologized, regardless of what she’d done, I messed up. Before all that happened, I was an incredible jerk, an arrogant piece of shit with an intellect to match and zero attachments to anyone. I hated the idea of feelings and I shut them out and didn’t do friends (ironically this is when I received most attention from the females). For most of my teenage years, I didn’t need people and I didn’t need love.
I’m literally petrified of making the same mistake again and of ever hurting another living soul again, I’ve been bad, I’ve made mistakes and I’ve taken advantage of people, now I’m trying, very hard not to be that person again and that includes treating women as people, with thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears and dreams. It’s difficult in the uni dorm I’m in, considering most people I meet socially are either drunk (I’m stone cold sober) or do the whole ‘one night stand’ routine which to me is appalling. The few people I’ve really sparked with are all in relationships.
I’m lonely and very different, I’m eccentric, have eccentric tastes and I’m a lot more mature then most people I meet in most social settings (I’ve been regularly mistaken for 40+ when I was 18) I’m also a romantic whose entire cultural upbringing utterly rejects the idea of genders freely mixing and all that cabal. Pretty much means my social skills are shit. I can out-argue almost anyone and I can debate exceptionally well but I’ve zero social skills that aren’t an argument, sports or one of my passions (which many people do not like) I’m regularly putting my foot in it in casual conversations and I have been told in the past that I am far far too intense.
On the plus side, most of my closest friends are all female (I do not and have not had romantic feelings for any of them) and they’re great people but they all offer conflicting advice on what my problem is. I’m fast becoming isolated, I’ve zero self confidence and my self esteem has taken a nose dive, a combination of truly looking into the mirror for once and a mystery illness. I don’t think I look handsome, but a lot of people have said that I do. I get really confused and I pick up a lot of body language, but I have no understanding of social cues. It’s like I’m trying to read Swahili.
What on earth is wrong with me? Am I incapable of being loved?
Awkward & Lonely
Dear Awkward & Lonely:
My own time as a NiceGirl(tm) is well-documented on this blog, so, take hope? It’s a pattern of behavior, not a permanent designation or identity. We grow up, we figure it out, we stop doing that stuff. It is unlikely, being as self-aware as you are now, that you will repeat those same mistakes. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a late-bloomer, or in delaying romance and sex until you meet the right person or feel ready. I know it’s a bummer to get crushes on people who are already coupled up, but you are sparking with people! This means that you are recognizing what you like in a person, and learning more about who you are really attracted to. This will serve you well when you meet someone who is single and who has the qualities you like. It will feel like “Oh, there you are!” The fact that you have lots of female friends is also an encouraging sign. I get zero douchebag vibes off you. So let’s talk about some stuff you can do differently to improve your life and your chances of meeting someone you’d like to be with.
While I think you have some particular cultural stuff you’re also trying to sort out, my advice to young straight men who want to meet women is always going to be about subverting the dominant dating paradigm and the sexist culture we grow up with, and it’s always gonna run along the same lines:
1) Read books & blogs, watch films, look at art, and listen to music made by women.
2) Seek out new activities and build on the interests and passions that you already have in a way that brings you into contact with more people. Some of those people will be women. Some of those will be in your age group/dating pool or know someone who is.
3) When you have the time and energy for it, try out online dating sites to practice dating. That’s how I met everyone I’ve dated since 1998.
4) Be really nice to yourself and take good care of yourself.
Step I. Consume More Art By Women. Works by men, with male protagonists, dominate popular culture. We all grow up on stories and messages where men go out and do great deeds and they rescue and/or win the love of women. They pursue women. They acquire women as decorative objects. If you aren’t good at acquiring these objects you are a loser or a failure. These are the messages you are swimming in, and they are affecting your life. Not every work created by a woman goes against this grain, obviously, since we’re all swimming in the same cultural soup. And hopefully you already seek out and enjoy works by women — I don’t want to insult you by saying that you don’t or that you are unaware! But I think it’s a good idea to make a deliberate year-long project of it at this time in your life, when you are trying to figure out how to relate to women better.
Reason #1: It’s a concrete step you can take. It’s something you can do. Make a giant reading and watching list. Check things off, or join a social site like Goodreads.
Reason #2: It will be fun and you’ll encounter some really good stuff you might not have sought out otherwise. You’re going to read/watch/listen to something, why not make an effort to seek out women’s voices and perspectives?
Reason #3: It will give you many different perspectives on women as diverse human beings and allow you to hang out with women and get to know them in your imagination.
A few years ago a I saw a very beautifully made and very personal student film about a lonely and shy young man who has insomnia so he walks around downtown late at night, visiting a diner where he has a crush on the waitress, and otherwise encountering women who all don’t notice him or outright reject him. It was beautifully shot and scored and acted, but I’m not sure that what’s stayed with me is what the filmmaker wanted to stay with me, which is that every single woman that the protagonist ran into in this world was young, pretty, white, able-bodied, straight, and assumed to be potentially dateable. Even though the story took place downtown in a major city, there were no other women in the frame, though the character did frequently interact with men of all ages & walks of life. This is true of the Hollywood world, too, where there aren’t even enough women in crowd scenes. Use woman-created media to to remind yourself that the world isn’t only about you + men + women who have/have not rejected you as a romantic partner. You need Miss Marple. You need Cordelia Naismith. You need shy people who are trying to connect with each other and the sexiest/awkwardest dance to The Commodores’ Night Shift in recorded history.
Reason #4: If you ask the women you know for recommendations of books and movies they love, they will flock to this project. If you meet a woman, and you kind of like her, and you are looking for something to talk about, try asking her “What are you reading or watching lately? Can you recommend me something?” If you listen to her, and then go and read or watch that thing, she may or may not date you in the end, but you will get infinity coolness points because this behavior by men is sadly all too rare. We notice this stuff, and we remember. This is as close as I ever get to the #1 SEEKRIT TRICK TO IMPRESS GIRLS kind of advice-giving.
Step II. Take Your Passion And Make It Social. Or, try something new. Something that is social.
You say that not many people are interested in your passions. Have you looked all around your university community, or your dorm, or your study program? Have you looked into clubs, classes, volunteering, MeetUps?
Some cool places to meet lots of nice people are:
- Join a choir or take a music class.
- Volunteer with a theater company – there are tons of behind-the-scenes jobs, like running the box office or painting sets, where they can use help and you will meet lots of people.
- Be a mentor or a tutor.
- Are you a native speaker of a language other than English? Someone is trying to learn that language. Be their practice/study buddy.
- Work on a political campaign or cause that speaks to you.
- Volunteer at an animal shelter or for another organization that does work that you feel is important.
- Take a class in something like cooking, metalsmithing, jewelry making, pottery, or other applied or studio art.
- Find a role-playing or board-gaming group.
- Find a fannish group who gets together to watch that thing you all like.
- Play a sport, or take up kickball or Quidditch or another little-kid sport that’s played for fun more than for competition.
From how you describe yourself: Intense, intelligent, good at arguing, passionate about certain things that no one else likes, I am going to make an inference that you are very smart, quick-witted, and you like to be good at stuff and impress people. You don’t like to struggle or fail or be wrong in public. You have a pretty good sense of what you will and won’t be good at, and you tend to avoid things that you aren’t sure that you’ll like. You definitely don’t want to be wrong or look stupid or be bad at something in front of others.
This makes you….A human being! We all want to look good, be good, succeed, do things where we’ll be praised and be good at. I want to challenge you, as part of this Meeting More People Project, to go against your grain a little bit. I want you to choose:
- Something you are not already good at.
- Something you’ve always wanted to try but been nervous or not had time to do before.
- Something where you can be a beginner and where there is no pressure for you to demonstrate expertise.
- Something where you might have to ask other people to help you or show you or teach you something.
- Something that happens with other people and meets regularly, like, a weekly class or volunteer gig.
- Something that has some kind of physical aspect to it – working with your hands, making something, building something, being physically out and about, playing an instrument, singing.
- Something where you may know a couple of people, but is outside where your current social group already hangs out.
- Something that you will attend at least 3 and preferably 6-8 times before opting out/giving up.
I want you to do something every week that gets you out of your room, out of your head, out of the need to impress people, out of the need to “be intense.” I want you to focus on: showing up, trying hard, having fun, and being nice and friendly. When you meet a cool woman, don’t automatically treat her differently than you would treat a neat dude you met at a thing who you might like to be friends with.
Reason #1: Our dominant cultural narratives, buoyed by a bunch of crap evo-psych “science,” contain many stories about how men must impress/”get”/”win” a mate by demonstrating competence, smarts, feats of strength, wealth, athleticism, etc. Win the Battle of the Bands/Diplomacy Game/Dance Dance Revolution Tournament/Trivia Contest, and you win The Girl. So a lot of dating advice for straight men says, find the thing you are awesome at, and then be awesome at that thing where women can see you, and then you’ll have a better chance with them.
I can see why this makes intuitive sense. Male peacocks are much brighter than female ones, amirite? When you are competent at something, you are more likely to be confident in yourself, and that is attractive and takes away some of the needy, auditioning quality of dating. And watching someone you find sexy be good at something is sexy, no doubt about it. But we are not peacocks, and that thing where competence is sexy goes both/all ways. I think it’s hot when my boyfriend cooks a great meal or kills onstage. He thinks it’s awesome when I have a great reading or write a piece he really likes. We both get to demonstrate competence and we both get to be the audience. We are both The Funny One. If you live inside the boys-impress-girls-to-get-girls-world, “the girl” never has a chance to impress you. Impressing people and performing well is great, like, nail that guitar solo and drop the mic if that’s your thing, but it doesn’t necessarily connect people. You need vulnerability for that, the vulnerability of not knowing where the power tools are or where the food bank keeps the extra rice. It’s tiring sometimes to be performed at. It’s sweet to learn and create something alongside someone.
Reason #2: This is something concrete you can control and keep trying to do, in different ways. You aren’t meeting potential dating partners doing what you’re already doing, right? Give yourself a few months of trying new stuff and saying yes to social invitations and see if that shakes anything loose. It’s not wasted time, as you’ll make tons of social connections/resume fodder/learn new skills. You never know when that random guy from Intro to Blacksmithing is also hiring people for jobs at his business, or setting nice friendly non-creepy dudes up with his sweet, smart cousin who just moved to town.
Step III: Experiment With Online Dating
College is set up to help you meet other people your age, and probably never in your life will you exist in such a cauldron of people who already have built-in things in common and structured activities designed to help you meet each other. But online dating can be useful for finding people outside of your current social scene and for interacting with people in a place where the idea of dating and romance is automatically, explicitly on the table. Use it to practice approaching people and flirting with them. Since you start out using text, you don’t have to already be good at reading subtext and body language to tell when someone is flirting. You’ll know if they’re flirting. They’ll type it in.
So, make a profile. Post 4-5 recent pictures of yourself. “Flattering” is great, “recognizably looks like you” is paramount. Fill out the questions, keeping in mind that these are short-answer questions and it’s not an essay test. If the site asks you to list movies & books & music you like, consider including some work by women (we notice this). Do not mention sex explicitly, as many a promising profile has been ruined with “I love giving back rubs…and other rubs.” (This doesn’t seem like an error you’ll make, Sweet Letter Writer, but if you see it in other dude’s profiles I don’t want you to fall into the gross trap). Put your actual uncommon unique middle-aged interests in there. Don’t try to be “cool” or “normal.” You’re not just anyone, and you’re not looking for just anyone. For example, if you don’t like drinking, say so. “I’m not much for drinking or the party scene.” Consider having a trusted friend read your profile to scrub for traces of self-deprecation and for too many “don’ts” in the “what I’m looking for” part.
Then do what nerds do best, and research. What you have here is a database of women who would like to meet someone to date. Who do you like? What draws you to someone’s profile? Who DON’T you like? What alienates you from someone’s profile?
When you see some people you like, send them a brief note. Comment on or ask a question about something they mentioned in their profile. “Hey, neat profile. I’m _______, and I love the Coen brothers, too. How do you think the Fargo TV adaptation holds up?“
If the person likes your profile, they will pick up the conversation from there. “I haven’t seen it yet. What did you think?” If it’s someone who might be a good match for you, the conversation will flow. You will write back, she will write back, you both may feel awkward but you will both keep the conversation going. A person who likes you will act like they like you, and do their best to not leave you hanging. Keep your communications brief, especially at first, and pay attention to matching the other person’s effort and tone. If she’s sending you a one-line answer every 6 or 7 days, and you’re sending her long, elaborate answers the second she writes to you, you’ve already got a mismatch in terms of relative effort and interest. If all seems to be going well, one of you can suggest meeting up.
It really, really helps if you think of it as practice. You are practicing approaching someone for a date. You are practicing conversing. You are practicing figuring out reciprocity. You are practicing figuring out what makes you like someone. It is okay to make a mistake, to not know exactly what to do. It is okay if she isn’t picking up what you’re putting down. It is okay if, after a few exchanges, you decide that she is not for you. It’s okay to go on an actual date with someone who turns out not to be for you (or you for her). That is normal. Connection is rare, and it’s largely based on dumb luck. Online dating (and getting out and meeting more people socially in general) is something you can do to help create conditions where dumb luck might happen.
I really want this to change in my lifetime, but for now, there are more men than women on most sites, and men are more likely to write to women than women are likely to write to men. So temper your expectations – expect to do more writing to other people than they do to you, realize that women are getting constantly inundated with messages and don’t necessarily have time to respond. That is normal. If someone doesn’t write back, move on. It wasn’t personal.
People get very nervous about the idea of planning dates, like it has to be some big production. We have inherited these ideas from the movies where it’s not a date unless there are flowers and white tablecloths and a fucking sunset or something, with everyone in their fanciest clothes, like teenagers playing “grownup.” When I was planning a lot of first dates, I tried to keep them inexpensive, low key, easy to get to and from, and not try to be explicitly “romantic” – like, I wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything on a first date that I wouldn’t do in the course of my life anyway with a friend. From another thread:
Here are some fun, low-cost first date (or friend-date!) activities that might help a shy person relax and give you something to talk about and/or do with your hands:
- Gamers, what happens if you each bring your favorite 2-player game to a cafe and play for a while? Or go to an arcade? It doesn’t matter if you or the other person is “good at” whatever game it is. This is about having fun, learning a new game, and seeing if your styles mesh.
- It’s summer in the northern hemisphere, so that means 10,000 free exhibits, concerts, festivals, and events. Sack lunch + free show = low pressure. You can talk about the performance or the exhibit, and if the thing sucks you wander away from it and do something else.
- We’re past this year’s Free Comic Book Day, but I once had a date on Free Comic Book Day and it was awesome. Meet at comics shop. Browse comics. Pick out comic for each other. Go to park with comics and read them. Commander Logic did this with bookshops that were also coffee shops (not free, but, fun). See also Record Store Day, World Book Night.
- Taco walk! My old neighborhood had a lot of taquerias, so a fun thing to do is to each get 1 taco at each place and compare. If you aren’t having fun on the date, get super “full” after Taco #2 and get out of there. If you are having fun, find local bar or cafe and stay up late talking and then eat more tacos or tamales or whatever. If you live in a city, a taco walk could easily be a dumpling walk or scone walk or a tour of food trucks. Or gelato! Mmmmm gelato.
- Is there a museum of science or a planetarium near you? Go look at science!
Do only stuff that sounds fun and interesting and appetizing to you. Do stuff that you would do with a friend, even if it wasn’t a DATE sort of date. Do stuff that gives you something to look or do. Fancy sit-down restaurants are great, when you are date-ING someone and already know that you won’t run out of stuff to talk about, but it’s all too much the first time you go out with someone. I realize I live in a major city with a lot of options, but people in smaller towns also do casual stuff for fun in their free time, and somewhere there is a park/book shop/ice cream stand/free concert/odd history exam/roadside attraction/place outside your house to spend a little time at. You are trying to find someone who has fun with you, who makes things fun for you, and who enjoys doing at least some of the stuff you like. The right person for you won’t mock your shyness and will help you feel relaxed.
Art shows. Movies in the park. Poetry slams and other free shows. Improv/comedy night. A cooking class. Bike rides. On campus it’s even easier, and more low-key. “Meet me at this thing on campus that is happening?” “I have to study, want to bring some work and keep me company in the library for a few hours and then we can get dinner?” “My friend is in this play, want to go with me?”
“But Captain Awkward, what if I suggest something and my date doesn’t like that thing, or we go, and the performers are not good?” Well, a person you actually want to date will say “Standup comedy is not my jam, actually, but I do really want to meet up with you, so howabout coffee, or that concert thing you mentioned?” Or they will go, and do their best to enjoy whatever it is, and if the thing is terrible, you will bond all the more for having a shared terrible experience. Or you won’t like each other anyway. Which is okay, this is all just practice in pursuit of dumb luck. The only way to fail is to actively be a jerk to someone. You don’t have to be perfect, or orchestrate a perfect date. Someone who doesn’t like you because the waiter forgot to refill the water glasses promptly or because the promised string quartet performance is now a string open-mike session was never going to like you all that much anyway, and is probably not who you want by your side on life’s miraculous journey. Bad dates and “meh” dates are learning experiences. Congratulate yourself for showing up and trying. Practice holding a conversation with someone new for 45 minutes.
If you hate dating, stop. If it starts to feel like work, stop. I would always have bursts where I was into it and periods where I deleted my profile for 6 months or a year to focus on other things. But it’s right there, it’s free, and I don’t think there is any harm in trying it out and practicing for a bit.
Step IV: Be Nice To Yourself
College is a great time for you to learn about what makes you happy intellectually, in terms of your friendships, in terms of your potential career, and in terms of creating routines that make you feel good in your day-to-day life.
- Are you getting enough sleep?
- Are you eating food that you like and that makes you feel good?
- Do you have at least one form of exercise you routinely enjoy doing?
- Are you attending and keeping up with the work for all of your classes?
- Are you doing what you came to school to do? Are you learning? Are you taking risks, creatively, intellectually?
- When you have questions in class, do you go to office hours and reach out to professors and teaching assistants for help?
- Do you meet with your advisor sometimes?
- Are you keeping abreast of potential programs, internships, job opportunities, speakers, etc. in your area of interest?
- When you make a mistake, can you forgive yourself and move on?
- When you’re sick, do you go to the doctor?
- When you’re lonely, do you call or text a friend and try to make sure you’re around people?
- When you’re over-peopled, do you take time for yourself?
- Do you know how to reward yourself for a job well done, and build happy, pleasurable stuff into your week?
- Do you know how to ask your friends to be nice to you? Do you reach out and do nice and say things to them?
- If you feel blue and lonely for more than a few weeks, can you go talk to student counseling services?
- Do you have regular phone calls or Skype with your family (if they are good people for you to talk to and positive force in your life) & friends from home?
- Do you have a regular practice of keeping a journal? Maybe try writing three pages in the morning, either longhand or somewhere like 750words.com, to give yourself a small ritual of reflecting and thinking every day.
If you are doing even some of that stuff, then you are doing GREAT. You are where you are supposed to be, you are learning what you are supposed to learn.
I can’t tell you that you’re guaranteed to find love, or that any given person is going to love you, or that a romantic relationship like the one you want is going to happen while you’re in college. I can tell you that you are worthy of love. I can tell you, uncomforting-ly, that it’s a matter of luck and other people’s subjective feelings and that there are a lot of factors that are completely out of your control, like, you could do everything “right” and it could still take a long while for you to click with someone. This post is about what you can control.
Finally: While this book is very targeted toward single straight women of a certain age/class/race/type and specifically trying to debunk the dating advice offered to women in that target group, I thought it was very insightful and lovely and supportive of people who are single who don’t want to be single. In one chapter, Eckel suggests a practice that has also been suggested by commenters here, which is to practice looking at others with love and compassion. When you’re alone on the subway or in a cafe or out and about on campus, look at someone (don’t stare, obviously, just steal some glances) and try to see them the way someone who loves them might. Look at everyone. Dudes. People outside your dating age range. This isn’t about hotness or attraction. Find something to love in their face, in what they are wearing, in how they hold their head, the neat penmanship on the cover of their notebook. Send them a silent good wish. If you get busted looking at them, say something! “Didn’t mean to stare! I was just admiring your hat, it’s a great color on you.” It’s a practice that can lead you away from harsh self-criticism and self-judgment and make you see the world through a kinder lens, and it’s especially good to do when you need to distract yourself out of a “what’s wrong with me?” headspace.
Readers, do you have any insight on things that have worked for you to help you get more confident with meeting people?
Thanks to everyone who has donated to the summer pledge drive so far! The support (and the sweet, sweet kind words!) mean the world to me.