I answered some questions that popped up in the search terms on Twitter yesterday. It was fun. Here are more.
“what should i do to be attractive for my bf after one year”
You keep doing you. You’re already great!
“awkward clumsy giant lesbian”
“my husband left me last month 2013 to another woman i need help to get him back”
My heart aches for you, but there’s nothing you can really do here except take very, very good care of yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family. Find a counselor you can pour your heart out to. And don’t be afraid to call a lawyer –in a situation like this, that can be a deeply self-caring act.
“my husband thinks sleeping in his chair is spending time with me”
“Husband, let’s plan a DATE. I love you and I miss hanging out with you.”
“ex says they want to be friends but doesn’t attempt to be”
Your ex either a) doesn’t actually want to be friends now that they’ve had a chance to think it over or b) needs more time with no contact between you to really get over the relationship before a friendship is possible. Either way, your path is the same: disengage, stop contacting them, put your love and your energy into other friendships. The break in contact probably feels like more rejection on top of rejection, and that sucks, but it is really good for you in letting time do its healing work.
“how do i tell my abusive ex why i want no contact?”
Sadly, explaining “why” doesn’t really work with abusers. You could craft a beautiful note with airtight logic, write it on the finest paper in ink made of gold, put it in an envelope that also contained concert tickets to his favorite band & a coupon for a lifetime supply of therapy and have it carried to him by two hummingbirds. You could write a perfect breakup song and have the Mormon Tabernacle Choir surround his house and sing it in exquisite 8-part harmony. An abuser who has really latched onto you will just try to poke holes in your logic until they get what they want, which is access to and control of you.
The way to handle this is, one time, say “I don’t want us to be in touch. Please stop contacting me.” Then show the person that you don’t want to be in touch by not responding to any contact from them. Block them on email and all social media channels. Change your cell number, give it out only to close friends. Keep the old number turned on for a while so the person can leave messages for and text the void. Gather your friends, family, and other support system around you. Simple doesn’t mean easy – it takes a lot of patience and strength sometimes. But if your ex keeps hanging on, it’s not because you didn’t explain it correctly or because of anything you did. It’s ok to cut off contact and give yourself time to heal.
“what to text a girl who blew you off”
Nothing. You text her nothing.
“what do you say when someone messages you on a dating website and you aren’t interested”
You’re not obligated to answer at all and sometimes that’s the best way to send the message. But if the person put some time into crafting a response and seems really cool, try this:
“I’m so sorry, I do not want to meet up. But thanks for your thoughtful response, it is a good reminder that there are great people on here. I wish you luck.”
If they write back with any form of “But whyyyyyyyyyyyy?” revert to No Answer Is An Answer.
“he wants to break up because i contacted my best friend which is a guy”
This dude sounds jealous, insecure, and controlling as fuck. Let him break up with you, or, summon the hummingbirds and the choir and do it yourself. Listen to this on repeat:
“i’m 13 and straight but my best friend keeps trying to cuddle with me”
I suggest that you stick to addressing the behaviors you don’t like and leave the complex stuff about feelings/possible crushes/orientation alone. “Friend, when you try to cuddle me like that it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. Please stop.” Your friend is probably trying to figure out a lot of stuff right now, and you can have compassion for him or her while still enforcing good boundaries about what kind of touch is okay for you.
“how to get my boyfriend to be more hygienic”/”boyfriend stopped brushing teeth”/ “boyfriend unclean habits”
I suggest being blunt. Before any kind of kissing or touching happens, say: “Awesome, but let’s both brush our teeth first.” Or, “Would you mind taking a shower first?” Or try, “Boyfriend, you are one sexy dude, but your hygiene has been seriously lacking lately and it makes me not want to make out with you in the style to which I have become accustomed. What’s going on? Can you be more careful about tooth-brushing/wearing clean clothes/showering? Because this isn’t cool and doesn’t really seem like you.”
Goddamnit people brush your goddamn teeth and take a goddamn shower once in a while! This should not be popping up over and over again!
“20 years old and still can’t find a boyfriend”
Please, please, please do whatever you have to do to question and fight the idea that a boyfriend is something you are supposed to achieve by a certain age. I know you feel this way for a reason, and everything in pop culture is backing up this insecurity and worry in you, and I hate it on your behalf. If dating isn’t working for you right now, pour your energy into something else, like being a great friend and finding things you love doing and doing the everloving shit out of them.
“how to make a gal in a long distance relationship fall for u”
“how to emotionally express your feelings to your long distance girlfriend”
Use words. Maybe poems. For example:
Long Distance Isn’t – Samuel Hazo
Separated by a sea, two shores,
the clans of Vercingetorix, the Brenner
Pass, the boot of Italy
from just below the knee to halfway
down the calf, we nix them all
Our voices kiss.
Who cares if the Atlantic bashes
Maine, Land’s End, or Normandy?
We leapfrog hemispheres the way
the mind cavorts through God-knows-what
millenia, what dynasties, what
samples of our kind from
australopithecus to Charlie Chaplin.
The body’s place?
by longitude, and it is there.
The body’s age?
from birth or back from death,
and it is there.
We launch them out like vows against the wind.
Creating what we are,
they wing through seas and continents
and make us more than elegies
Forget the cost.
Talk louder and ignore the static.
Pretend we’re walking through the dark.
Don’t stop or look
As long as you
keep talking, I can find you.
Topography – Sharon Olds
After we flew across the country we
got in bed, laid our bodies
delicately together, like maps laid
face to face, East to West, my
San Francisco against your New York, your
Fire Island against my Sonoma, my
New Orleans deep in your Texas, your Idaho
bright on my Great Lakes, my Kansas
burning against your Kansas your Kansas
burning against my Kansas, your Eastern
Standard Time pressing into my
Pacific Time, my Mountain Time
beating against your Central Time, your
sun rising swiftly from the right my
sunn rising swiftly from the left your
moon rising slowly from the left my
moon rising slowly from the right until
all four bodies of the sky
burn above us, sealing us together,
all our cities twin cities
all our states united, one
nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Forbidden Fruit – Michael Lally
all the forbidden fruit I ever
dreamt of–or was taught to
resist and fear–ripens and
blossoms under the palms of my
hands as they uncover and explore
you–and in the most secret
corners of my heart as it discovers
and adores you–the forbidden fruit
of forgiveness–the forbidden fruit
of finally feeling the happiness
you were afraid you didn’t deserve–
the forbidden fruit of my life’s labor
–the just payment I have avoided
since my father taught me how–
the forbidden fruit of the secret
language of our survivors’ souls as
they unfold each others secret
ballots–the ones where we voted
for our first secret desires to come
true–there’s so much more
I want to say to you–but for
the first time in my life I’m at
a loss for words–because
(I understand at last)
I don’t need them
to be heard by you.
Love Rode 1500 Miles — Judy Grahn
Love rode 1500 miles on a grey
hound bus & climbed in my window
one night to surprise
both of us.
the pleasure of that sleepy
shock has lasted a decade
now or more because she is
always still doing it and I am
always still pleased. I do indeed like
who come half a continent
just for me; I am not saying that patience
is virtuous, Love
like anybody else, comes to those who
and leave their windows open.
That should hold you for a while. 🙂