There is this totally awesome and beautiful girl in some of my graduate classes. I sat next to her and before I knew it we started texting a lot and it looked like it was leading to something more. I tried taking her out to dinner but once she had something come up and then we never got definitive plans after that. One night she started drunk texting me and she expressed that she wanted me. The next morning she appoligized for her texts. I total her don’t worry about. A couple days later the she started drunk texting me again. This time she expressed a stronger desire for me. The next morning she appoligized again.
Later that day she said how she was embarrassed that she wanted me when she was drunk. I told her I liked it because I like her. She then responded with “I thought we were just friends,” “I’m glad I know this now,” and “I hope this doesn’t make things awkward” I tried to get a clear answer about what this meant but was left under the impression that she just wanted to be friends.
Later that night, she started texting me again. This time it became full on sexting. During which she said how much she wanted me. Then the next morning she appoligized again. This time talking about how embarrassed she was and how she gets crazy when she’s drunk. I told her how confused this all made me, but that I like her and she responded “I like how we are now ya know?”
First What the HELL does this all mean?
Is there something I can do to piece this together and go out with her?
Should I wait this out and see what may happen?
Or should I just cut off communication and move on?
Too confused to pursue
Dear Too Confused:
I think that you handled this beautifully when you asked the lady out. Straight up: “I like you. Let’s have dinner.” That was cool and confident. And when she said, “No thanks,” you backed off and respected that and tried to keep it strictly friendly & professional. Also cool.
When we really like someone, or we’re feeling lonely and unloved, any scrap of interest or attention from someone we like can feel really good. “Hey, they like me! They wouldn’t be texting ‘I’d love to _____ your _____ in my ______ and then _____ your _____” if they didn’t like me, right? Maybe I got a shot here!”
And maybe in moments when she’s alone and drunk, your classmate really does want to ____ your _____. It’s crossed her mind, shall we say. And maybe, with a little persistence on your part, you could get your _____ _____ed.
Do you want to be that guy?
Do you want to be the guy who gets sex and affection on those terms? From a someone who totally disavows you in the sober light of day?
I think you’re cooler than that guy. And I think the coolest, most honest answer to her next bout of drunk texting is:
“Sorry, this is confusing and not really fun. Goodnight.”
And then don’t respond to any more texts from her that night. In class, treat her like nothing happened unless she brings it up.* If she does (because: embarrassed) you can say “Listen, I think you’re really gorgeous and would love to go out sometime. But I’m also happy to be friends.Since we are going to be in these classes for a long time together, and I value your company no matter how it works out, let’s lay off the drunken flirting and just be straight with each other, ok? Because that stuff isn’t fun for me if it isn’t sincere.”
A cool lady who is actually worth being your friend will apologize and drunk sext you no more. A cool lady who actually wants to go out with you will apologize and start making plans for your date. Either way, you’re gonna need to be watchful around alcohol when you spend time together. Not because every drunk text from someone is insincere, or every drunk hookup is automatically a bad idea, but because she specifically has shown you repeatedly that her drunk persona and sober self can be operating on two totally different wavelengths. I don’t want to see your wishful thinking meet her drunkful thinking in a way that really, really hurts you. I don’t think you guys are quite close enough friends for the “Do you have a drinking problem?” talk (right now it might come across as concern-trolling) but if this is frequent behavior and you do get closer, that one might be in your future.
I would keep your expectations very low, and do what you can to excise hope that this is going somewhere either sexy or romantic. You do not have to live on the scraps of someone else’s attention. You are not there to be used at her convenience for sexual distraction, or strung along. And you don’t have to open yourself up to repeated rejection. However it works out, I think there is value for you in making a statement about your own self-worth and what treatment you are willing to put up with. There is a fallacy that guys are always up for sex and will do it with anyone who expresses the slightest interest. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to have sex with you and expressing it, and there’s nothing wrong with you being attracted to her and expressing it, but you don’t have to operate within that stereotype just because she thinks you do.
Whether she “secretly” wants you and can express it only when drunk (Because, maybe she’s worried about slut-shaming? Or has intimacy & trust issues? Or is using alcohol as a social lubricant or excuse to disavow the behavior later? Or has a major problem with alcohol and is texting you during a blackout? I keep trying to come up with the kindest explanation for what she’s about here. Readers?), or she actually doesn’t want you but likes to flirt and mess around with you when she’s drunk, she’s giving off some red flags here.
People who are really bad at boundaries and who can only be sexual or express emotions when drunk or high, people who reject you one day and then are all up in your business the next day, are, in my opinion, less than ideal sexual or romantic partners.They don’t know how to treat themselves well, so they don’t know how to treat their partners well. I don’t think she’s treating you especially well, and suggest that you handle with extreme care. Given her changeability on the subject of You: In Her Pants and the ubiquity of Her: In Your Graduate Program, I think only badness lies that way
You’re not the one making it weird, here. I think you are cooler than some drunk lady’s backup booty call. Keep awesomeing, and I predict that pretty soon someone that recognizes your value and communicates it like a grownup will come your way.
*Not necessarily for the letter writer, here, but important to say:
I don’t think “I was drunk, I didn’t mean it” is actually an excuse. People are still responsible for their behavior, and if you are the type of person who cheats on your S.O. (but only when drunk!), or says mean things when drunk, or sends sexy texts to the guy from your class that you keep telling you don’t want to go out with, then after the first time it “accidentally” happens it’s on you to avoid situations where that behavior is normal for you. “Sorry, I was drunk!” isn’t really an apology for jerky behavior, and you still did that thing that hurt someone else whether you meant to or not.
However, I *do* think that when someone is impaired and their inhibitions are clearly lowered, especially when sexuality is involved, it’s a good idea to be extra-responsible and conservative in how you deal with them. Would they want to do this if they were sober? No? Or, maybe, but you’re not sure? Then don’t do it when they’re drunk. It’s only really fun if everyone is sure.
A drunk woman at a party saying “Hey I want to have sex with you” might really mean she wants to have sex with you. A lot of us have walked in those drunk, horny shoes and had a fun, drunk, horny time. But I don’t think we would lose anything, were she talking to us, if we said “Awesome, maybe in the morning, after some breakfast! Let’s do it! But right now, howabout we make out a little, and everyone keeps their pants ON.” And/or “You take the bed and I’ll take the couch. First, let’s get some water into you.” In the morning when everyone is sober you can say, “Hey, you are so hot and if that was a serious offer last night I’d love to take you up on it, but I wanted everyone to be really sure.” And maybe you won’t end up having sex. Which is a loss of…not having sex with someone who didn’t enthusiastically want to have sex with you. Which if you are a decent person, is a bullet dodged, not an opportunity missed. If you want to be sure that your partner is really into it, there is a way to be absolutely sure: Wait until you’re both sure.
Letter writer, believe the sober rejection, until a sober seduction comes your way. You lose nothing by being a mensch in this regard.