Creepily, I can see what Google searches bring people to this blog. Sometimes it’s fun to try to help these searchers out.
“I think I’m very unattracted to my boyfriend, is that a good reason to break up?”
Yes. One of the best, in fact.
“Do I text the girl that blew me?”
Depends. Do you want to see her again? Do you plan to do something nice for her if you do get together again? If the answer to both those questions is no, then, no. If yes, then text away.
“I want to be a teacher but I have an embarrassing name.”
Really? You’d let that stop you? Kids can be cruel, but if they make fun of your name it’s far more likely that they sense your shame and weirdness about it and are going for a weak spot than anything about the name itself.
Names can be changed, btw. It’s a hassle, but it can be done. Maybe this is the year that you reinvent yourself as NewName NewName Comma Teacher.
“My boyfriend was rude to my parents, what do I do?”
Ask him why he behaved like that. Let him know that it’s not cool and you’d like him to apologize to your parents. Watch carefully for his reaction – if he tries to make it your fault or your parents’ fault instead of owning up to his own behavior, proceed directly to breaking up. If he steps up and owns the behavior, write it off as a mistake for now but be watchful – is he rude to other people? Is he rude to you?
“What if when I left our second date my crush said nothing but ‘text me’?”
You could try texting him or her. Someone who likes you will text back promptly and it will begin a conversation. Someone who isn’t that into you will not respond quickly and it will not feel like a conversation.
“I hate my girlfriend now that she’s moved in.”
Oops. Do you think it’s just the strain of adjusting to having someone around all the time and that it will get better in time? Can you remember why you fell in love with her? Are you being kind to each other? If you do break up with her now, you’ll feel like less of a jerk if you put a little money aside to help her find a new place.
“My parents hate my boyfriend.”
This is a rough one. Sometimes parents have really good reasons for being concerned about their kids’ dating partners, but sometimes they are interfering and controlling. Have you asked your parents to lay out what they don’t like about him and listened sincerely to their concerns? Are those concerns good ones? What do your friends think of him?
“Girl with ugly teeth gets fucked”
That’s extremely specific, son.
“Want to break up with my boyfriend but he loves me.”
That’s never easy, but the fact that you want to break up is a good enough reason. Be brave and get it done. Own your own feelings and take the responsibility on yourself. “I’m so sorry, but my feelings have changed, and I am breaking things off now.”
“How to keep emotions out of friends-with-benefits”
Wrong question – emotions are part of the deal, because friends-with-benefits are actually friends. The real question is about boundaries and communication and how you decide to treat each other. Talk it out.
“27-year-old virgin is that bad?”
Nope! You’re fine.
“Is internet dating bad?”
Sometimes. But it’s mostly just like other dating. I’ve met every serious partner I’ve had in the last 15 years online, and those people are awesome.
“My boyfriend is moving back to where he is originally from. He says he can’t take me with him until he gets a job and a place to live. Will I ever see him again?”
That sounds really stressful, I’m sorry. I think the best thing you can do is a) tell him you love him and you’d like to be with him in that other place when he is ready b) ask for an honest answer about whether he wants that, too c) start making a plan for what will happen after he leaves. Make sure you surround yourself with friends, family, things you like to do and that your life without him is as awesome as possible. That way you’re taking care of yourself and not putting undue pressure on him. Whichever way it works out, you’ll be ok.
“I don’t like friends-with-benefits.”
Me neither! I’ve had some good experiences with that in the past but it’s just not who I am anymore.
“If your girlfriend makes you a sandwich.”
Make her one tomorrow.
“Don’t like hearing roommates have sex.”
No one does. Well, except for voyeurs who like to masturbate to the sound of other people having sex–Maybe thinking about that will make people with roommates tone down the noise and be a little more considerate!
“Do Americans have a hard time understanding foreign accents?”
Yeah, as a group we’re kind of terrible at it. Sorry.
“Obsessed with a guy I hardly know.”
Distract yourself! If you give it time and consciously distract yourself, it will pass.
Or, get to know him better and see if you are still obsessed. But NO STALKING. Hint: If you find yourself asking “Is it stalkerish if I __________?” the answer is “Yes, it is kind of stalkerish.” Desist.
“How to keep a guy’s attention?”
Be your awesome self. He’ll pay attention or he won’t.
“Boyfriend doesn’t want me to masturbate?”
There’s some combination of insecurity and being controlling here that I dislike. Reconsider the relationship.
“How to get your boyfriend’s ex to get over him?”
Do not engage. This isn’t your problem or responsibility. The question is, how is your boyfriend reacting to this and treating you? Focus on that.
“How to deal with falling in love with someone who is committed to someone else?”
Fall back out of love. Avoid the person, cut off communication, grieve, surround yourself with awesome people, throw yourself into school or work or making art, give it some time to heal. No shortcuts here, I’m afraid.
“My parents don’t like my boyfriend because he’s not good enough for me class background”
Tell them that’s not actually a good reason, and they don’t have to like him but they do have to be polite to him and to stop bringing their “concerns” to you.
“fucked up Darth Vader pictures”
You’re in the right place. Welcome!
“When you have to have the last word- what is it called?”
I don’t know, but if you find the cure, please come back and tell us.
CaptainAwkward.com 
Fantastic responses all around, but this is my favorite:
“If your girlfriend makes you a sandwich.”
Make her one tomorrow.
Excellent. 🙂
I think my favorite quote is this one:
“Don’t like hearing roommates have sex.”
Mostly because I had a roommate. He had a boyfriend. One more I woke up and I was lounging in bed, and I heard ex-roommate and boyfriend having a conversation in ex-roommate’s bathroom. Suddenly, ex-roommate exclaims, “You’ll suck my dick, and you’ll lick my ass, but you won’t use my deodorant?”
Still one of my favorite quotes. When I think of ex-roommate, I think of this. He says he’ll never live it down. I hope not.
These are fantastic, and I love that you seem to have cornered the market on helping the lost folks of the Internet. I have a grand total of (three?) posts on my blog, and most people find it by looking for tips to have sex on a balcony, but the prize search term is “a glass will break with lightest sound.”
Instead of book spine poetry, what if there were Google search terms poetry?
Do it! I have a poetry night with some of my friends and one of my friends wrote a poem based on the google automatic fill ins. I don’t exactly remember his methodology, but there are so many options.
(Other fun found poetry I’ve encountered…from the journals of an arctic explorer, quotes from teachers throughout the semester.)
An ex-friend of mine wrote a poem using lines from the google search results for my name. It was reeeally creepy.
Sadly he was still a friend for quite a few years after that.
I flew in from tumblr and boy are my arms tired.
(… apologies (^^ゞ))
But seriously, I’m so happy I’ve come across this site. The sage advice from Captain and the commenters have been wonderful. Thank you all so much.
Welcome, DeskGnome, and ALL OF TUMBLR. I see you!
I ❤ this! But I will note that some people aren't mad texters (I am a mad texter). They still like you if they text you of their own volition and reply to yours! It just may take a little while!
True, but a date who says “text me” is not a stranger to the texts, I think. 🙂
I have pretty severe discomfort with the phone, so I would probably be that person. Texting feels a lot less stressful than a phone conversation for me, and I have a feeling I’m not the only person who feels that way.
indeed! I’d almost always rather text than call, even with close friends.
My parents still give me crap for not using the phone. I’m so happy that there are people who feel the same way.
emotions are part of the deal, because friends-with-benefits are actually friends.
ZOMG yes. It took me a while to learn (and longer to learn not to put up with it from partners), but you can like someone and be nice to them without having to worry that you’ll somehow get “trapped” into dating.
Having sex without romance is fun; having sex while afraid of romance is Suck City.
I’m reminded of a time when my FWB blurted out, “I really like you.” while we were in bed, then fell all over himself backpedaling, “I didn’t mean it THAT way!”. I assured him I didn’t take it THAT way and I like him too, otherwise I wouldn’t be there.
“Hint: If you find yourself asking “Is it stalkerish if I __________?” the answer is “Yes, it is kind of stalkerish.” Desist.”
Yet another reason I am glad the Internet in current form did not exist when I was in high school. The intersection of “obsessive” and “free time” was probably at its farthest along the bell curve at that point in my life.
“When you have to have the last word- what is it called?”
The best thing to do is to get two of these people together and just walk away. No jury in the world will convict you.
“I hate my girlfriend now that she’s moved in.“
Maybe it’s not nice, but that is fucken hilarious. And yeah, that was me when I was 24. I shoulda known when we had a random night together, and then the next week she showed up at my door unannounced after driving 500 miles from her home town with all her shitte.
““How to keep emotions out of friends-with-benefits”
Wrong question – emotions are part of the deal, because friends-with-benefits are actually friends. The real question is about boundaries and communication and how you decide to treat each other. Talk it out.”
Hmm, that search sounds like someone who wants to have casual sex but is afraid of getting romantically attracted to the person, and I don’t really get how boundaries and communication and talking can keep you from falling for someone? Am I weird or misreading the answer?
Also, I personally tend to use FWBs and fuckbuddies interchangeably so I wouldn’t read FWB and assume it means they are in fact actual friends (have had what some people would call FWBs that I definitely would not count as friends), which might be coloring my understanding here.
I mean, boundaries, communication, talking, all very good things as a general rule, certainly not to be avoided! I just don’t get how that’s addressing this (admittedly vague non-)question.
You might be right. Let me answer the secret question(s): “How do I avoid falling in love in a FWB situation?” or “How do I stop the other person from falling in love with me in a FWB situation?”
My opinion is: Good luck, I have no fucking clue how you do that. Feelings happen, you can’t really make a plan to avoid them. Even people who are really good at compartmentalizing and deciding how things will be in advance sometimes get caught up.
So if this is a huge worry for you, maybe don’t get involved in that particular situation or with that particular person. Or if you’re in the middle of a situation where you already having more romantic feelings for the person, speak up about them honestly. It will probably “ruin” the friends-with-benefits aspect of the relationship, in that you’ll either escalate things to dating each other or break it off, but the status quo is untenable anyway so you might as well go after what you want.
Definitely don’t get involved in and negotiate a FWB situation with the hope that the other person will fall in love with you, and if you think the other person is doing this at you, it’s probably a good idea to bail. Sex feels awesome! But you don’t have to sleep with everyone who wants to sleep with you.
Ha yes, that would all have been my response to the secret question also. From what I’ve seen some people are able to do FWBs without getting emotionally invested, and some people are not because something about sex just makes them feel that way, and I’m not sure you can really know for sure what kind you are until you’re in such a situation, which kind of blows because it’s definitely a Know Thyself thing more than it is any kind of choice or plan. But generally if you’re worried enough about it that you’re googling it I would think maybe that’s your own intuition telling you to back off.
It’s a good thing my girlfriend came here with a child, because it eliminated all temptation to move her into my place and simply add her to the lease. And the phrasing “move her into my place” should indicate why this would have been a bad idea.
“My boyfriend is moving back to where he is originally from. He says he can’t take me with him until he gets a job and a place to live. Will I ever see him again?”
Personally, I worry about the phrasing “take me with him.” Why do you need some to take you, anonymous Internet person? Why is it “he gets a job and a place to live” and not “until we find jobs and a place for us to live”? I guess what I am thinking is–if the conversation about moving isn’t being framed as “something for us to tackle together,” that says something, either about the boyfriend’s desire to stay in the relationship or about the fundamental dynamics of the relationship (I’m thinking particularly of gender roles, if the question is from a female partner).
It may partly be a visa thing, if it’s cross-border. Some countries require proof of finances and address from someone who wants to sponsor a foreigner (partnerish, relative, friend) for a visa.
I didn’t think of that! That would change the game immensely, wouldn’t it?
It really, really does. A visa was the reason I got married to my husband before we lived together, because it was the only way we could afford to live on the same continent for longer than three months. If we wanted to sponsor my brother, for example, for a visa to come live with us for a while, we’d have to prove that we could support him totally for the time he came to stay (beyond the three month don’t-need-a-visa time period). A friend of mine and her boyfriend are desperately trying to save up the money they need the boyfriend to have in the bank for her to qualify for a permanent visa/residence permit as a non-married partner (different country).