Dear Captain Awkward,
I hope you can help me with coming up with a script for an awkward conversation that needs to happen. Here’s the situation:
My husband and I (!!!) got married (!!) on Saturday. It was amazing in every way except for one—we made a guestbook for people to sign. The guestbook was a photo album of us and we had pens for people to write their best wishes for us in it. Most people wrote lovely things, and a few people cracked some funny jokes in it that I know we will enjoy looking back on. One person, however, was immature enough to draw a penis spurting cum all over my husband’s face. In our wedding guestbook. That our parents and grandparents are going to look through, and our kids one day (should we be so lucky).
We have a witness to the penis-drawing act, so we know who did it, and I can’t say I’m surprised. Husband and I would like to tell this person how the penis-drawing-on-his-face made us feel; namely, that it hurt our feelings that she did this and it made us feel that she doesn’t respect us. It makes me regret that we invited her to the wedding, but I’m trying not to think about that since it’s in the past and I’m still trying to maintain my zen-bride mentality which has served me well so far. Husband is closer to this person than I am but I am the more confrontational of the two of us, and he has more to lose in the confronting, being closer to her and to her partner, who is a particular friend of my husband’s.
Both this person and her partner have a pattern of hurting my feelings and then being defensive when approached about it by either of us. For this reason, we want to talk to her alone rather than to them as a couple. I’m advocating using the “state the feeling then let the other person talk” approach but I’m wondering what the best way to do this is: script? location? two-against-one?
Bukkake Guestbook Problem
I can’t…I don’t…why would someone do that?
Congratulations on your marriage! Also…WOW.
First, are you sure she meant to draw cum? It could have been pee. Ha! Still inappropriate and not funny!
For responding to the artist, I suggest something short and ice-cold. Since your husband is the closer friend, have him handle it, and yeah, go ahead and let it be confrontational. This script will work in person or by email, but may I suggest email? I mean, what are you really hoping will happen at that sit-down meeting? No matter what the person says, you’re still going to be pissed off. If you meet face to face you’ll be pressured to be all “It’s okay, we forgive you” at the end of the conversation when they re-enact their “pattern of hurting my feelings and then being defensive when approached about it.” Let her/them get as defensive as they want away from you while they read their email. Put it on her to seek you out and mend fences.
We were really happy that you were able to attend our wedding, but really unhappy that your gross, amateurish drawing in our wedding guestbook will be skeeving out our families for generations. If you were looking for attention, here it is! It’s not the good kind of attention, though, and I’m pretty angry and embarrassed for you right now. I hope you’ll apologize and explain yourself, and understand if (spouse) and I don’t get in touch for a while.”
In response, you’re going to hear some variation of “I didn’t do it,” “I was drunk,” or “Get a sense of humor already!” because obviously 100% this person thought they were being HILARIOUS and 95% they were a little drunk and didn’t think you’d be angry and the whole discussion is not going to make you less mad. So…maybe don’t get in touch for a while. You don’t have to be the bigger person or a “zen bride” – wedding’s over, baby!