Dear Captain Awkward,
I am a gamer girl who is currently obsessed with the game, Gears of War 3. I am geeky but reasonably cute with an average body. I’ve also only dated one guy who turned out to be gay to hide his sexual orientation from his parents. That was years ago and I haven’t really found anyone I’ve been interested until recently. Let’s call him D. While playing games with a random (a person who is not part of your friends list), who invited me to a game to play, I met D and his girlfriend B there. Us four struck up an xboxlive friendship and have been playing together since December to January. I didn’t think much of the couple at first as they did not play wtih me very much in the first month. There was a random day though that D invited me to play with him and as I wasn’t playing with anyone, I decided it would be better than playing with randoms. We hit it off fairly well to the point where we were playing every day together for weeks. D then invited me into a tournament for girls with his girlfriend as his partner. As it was, we got fourth place. But it was after this tournament that everything became more intimate.
We began texting each other and facebooking each other every day and played constantly. He ditched his girlfriend countless times to play games with me and we averaged 20 hours every weekend. It was like this for about two months. We reached a point where we realized we just liked each other and shared a lot of private stuff with each other. For two weeks, we stayed up until 7am just talking about everything. It went to the point where we masturbated on webcam with each other, something I’ve never ever done. His girlfriend hates me and whever she gets online to play, it’s extremely awkward but I just act casual and act friendly.
There are problems between them that they refuse to talk about – not because he’s not trying to talk to her but because she’s very passive and avoidant of conflicts in their relationships. Everytime he brings up anything, she changes the subject. I’ve heard it online as well as stories from other friends. She also left him for another guy but returned and he accepted her back on the condition that she would change, which she hasn’t.
Throughout the day, he tells me where he is and what he’s doing. He also states that he wants to break up with his girlfriend but he has yet to do so. He told me that a long distance relationship wasn’t probable between us, but he also told me he flew free and was coming down to my state in the summer. I’ve asked several friends if a guy would really just come over states away to just do a girl, but I received mixed answers. D told me I was his ideal type because I was so obsessed with games and because of our similar values.
The problem I am here about started on Thursday. I was feeling really sort of sad and sent him a message because I felt too guilty for doing what we were doing to his girlfriend. I asked him to break up with his girlfrend and if he thought I wasn’t worth it, then that was ok. Either way, we would remain friends but I didn’t want to do anymore webcam stuff with him or stay up late talking like the way we were unless she was out of the picture.
The next day on Friday he sent me an invite to play around 5pm. We played for about six to seven hours and it was reasonably awkward. He hadn’t responded to my message and when I brought it up, he said he was surprised about the letter’s contents and would write me later that night. I got nervous and laughed, telling him to ignore it. We played as usual and when I left, he sounded sad and surprised to hear that I was leaving early that night. We usually played until like 2am but leave early I did. I woke up an hour later to text him. He responded and then ignored my last text for the night. He hasn’t spoken to me since Friday despite our plans of playing together all day Saturday and now it’s almost Sunday.
Am I doing something wrong here? Is this guy just leading me on? Does his lack of response and ignoring me mean he really doesn’t care to break up with his girlfriend? I know they went out on a date on Thursday and Friday due to his texts. What should I do? I’m almost ready to give up on him and just play games, but I have some hope that maybe he’s trying to break up with his girlfriend as we speak. Do you think he will break up with his girlfriend? Even if he does break up with his girlfriend, I plan to only keep it casual for awhile. I don’t want to dive into a relationship immediately as I don’t even know if we’re sexually compatible or anything. All I know is that when we’re talking, playing games and everything, everything just feels right and before I know it, the sun is rising. I’m sort of unsure of what to do really. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
A Gamer Girl
Dear Gamer Girl:
God help me, I’m going to sound like a helmet-haired advice columnist from a bygone era here, but you’re not the first person to get hung up on a person who is involved with someone else (with that person’s full participation and encouragement) only to find yourself out in the cold when you make a sincere move to bring the relationship into the light.
You’ve made your feelings and desires known, which was brave and awesome of you. You’re not doing anything wrong with what you said to this guy (though you’re correct that you’re being a douche to his girlfriend by continuing to have naughty times with her boyfriend and discuss her behind her back without her knowledge, and right to want to put a stop to that). And you are upsetting the apple cart where he had both a steady girlfriend AND someone to complain about her to and flirt with. He has some thinking to do and decisions to make.
Now the ball is in his court, and there is nothing you can do to affect the outcome. You cannot make him break up with his girlfriend using the power of words or awesome gaming skills or sexy webcam hijinks or feeling really right and comfortable with him, and I would beware strongly of wishful thinking in that regard.
A lot of people hint around that their relationship isn’t working out or is on the verge of ending when they are flirting with someone new and want to not feel guilty about it (and want you not to feel guilty about it so you’ll keep doing it), and then when the chips are down act like your feelings are all in your head and all your own doing.
My advice is to pull back…way back… on contact with this guy. You’ve put your feelings out there, and he knows where to find you if he feels the same way. Until he breaks up with his girlfriend and comes to tell you that he’s broken up with her and would like to start a relationship (even a casual relationship is a relationship) with you, assume that they are still together. Interpret all “signs” you get from him extremely conservatively in the meantime. Re-read Commander Logic’s Geek Relationship Fallacies – Liking the same stuff can be really important and a nice thing to have in a relationship, but the fact that you both like gaming so much isn’t meaningful in itself without kindness and demonstrated affection and intentions. You used your words and you deserve the same from him.