Hello, Awkwardeers, I’ve had the good problems of paid freelance work, social fun times with friends, and trying to get a movie project off the ground, so posting has been and will continue to be spotty.
First, I’d like to signal-boost this post which perfectly sums up everything I hate about the idea of the Friend Zone. We all get crushes, right? And sometimes those crushes are on our friends, or we get crushes that turn into friendships. If your friends are awesome, and you’re with me on the “don’t date people who aren’t as cool as your friends” train, it’s bound to happen to you sooner or later. Describing that as “The Friend Zone” implies that you feel a sense of entitlement towards that person and think they owed you something different. If it’s not a friendship that sustains itself once the possibility of getting laid/loved is off the table? Simple. Don’t be friends with people you don’t value for their own sake.
Second, this question came in as a comment on the “A Shy Guy Caught My Eye” post, but I think it deserves its own answer.
I read all of this and thought you gave great advice. So i wanted to ask for your advice. I really like this super awkward shy guy. I’ve liked him off and on for 4yrs. I’ve tryed to talk to him threw text and facebook, for about a year. but he only gives me a few word answers and doesn’t convo back to much. Also last summer we hungout one night and drank a few beers and ended up making out. Well we sat there for alittle bit talking and he was so nerves he keep ripping up the grass we were sitting on. And he told me he liked me for the last 6 months. Well i made the mistake of saying i had liked him for the last 3 years. But i ment to say i liked him off and on for 3 years lol. He was like “Really that’s along time” then i ended up writing him the next day and pouring out my heart (like you said not to do above) (I pretty much did everything above lol). Well he never wrote me back. So I can’t tell if he likes me.
I gave him a painting i did about a month after that. Which i ended up having to give someone else to give to him because i was to nervous. Then he moved to cali for a few months and about a month in he sent me a picture of my painting hanging on his wall out in cali. He didn’t have to send me a picture. i would of never known if he took it with him or not. so i felt like he was trying to show me he cared about it enough that he did take it. Which confused me and i took it as he liked me. He only took two bags, so i felt like if he made room to take my painting, that had to mean something. But then i didn’t really hear from him the few months he was out there. Well now he’s back for about 2-3weeks now and last week i talked to him twice threw facebook chat and he seemed to be opening up alittle more. then within the last week i’ve wrote him a message twice on facebook and i haven’t heard anything back and i see that he has his facebook hooked to his phone.
Then he wrote a status on his facebook wall “if anybody knows where i can find a girlfriend, please god let me know, I’m so lonely”, Well this confused me even more because it didn’t sound like him. Iam 99% sure he’s never had a girlfriend. (Ive been told that he has a fear of girls and he always acts really awkward around them) And then under it he tryed to play it off and say “Yeah your right that is a bad status lol”. So now iam sooo confused that iam scared to text him or write him anymore. Or even go furthur and ask him to hangout.I don’t know what to do PLEASE HELP!!
Welcome to the land of This Is Not Going To Happen. I’m your host, Captain Awkward.
First, forget the three years where you crushed on him but didn’t say anything. Those years never happened….for him, and he doesn’t owe you anything about them or for them. That was in your own head. So let’s pick this up around the time of your nervous, awkward, beer-soaked makeout session.
You made out.
You confessed your mutual crushes.
You sent FEELINGSMAIL.
You gave him a painting. I kind of like the story of how he sent you a photo of it on his wall in a “That would go in an indie romcom as a nice piece of visual storytelling” kind of way, but in the real world it’s still not making the case that this is happening.
The dude knows how you feel. You have made it VERY clear. He knows how to get in touch with you. From his phone, which he probably carries with him at all times.
So either a) he doesn’t feel the same way (even if he has flirted with the idea and made out with you and Vaguebooked about wishing he had a girlfriend) or b) he is too shy and oblivious to actually be a good dating partner for you and is not ready for your fine fine jelly. From where I am sitting, these two possibilities look indistinguishable from each other.
My advice to you is to stop trying to make this happen. Stop pouring out your feelings to someone who ignores you (or acts like he ignores you). When you say “I have many feelings about you! Here they are!” and the other person doesn’t respond? That non-response is your answer.
It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. You have all these feelings! You worked your courage up to say them out loud! You painted them into a painting! He occasionally gave you small scraps of what looks like validation!
Sorry, love. Release this one back into Shy Weird Dude genpop. Grieve for a little while, and then look around for a less shy, less weird dude and try again, with some ground rules learned from experience. As in, don’t wait 3 years to say something and get all overinvested, look for reciprocity, and hold off on FEELINGSMAIL and FEELINGSART until you’re having regular communication with someone and a certain portion of that communication is in the form of MAKEOUTS and the words “I like you and we should date each other.”
I use The Force to hug you in the Jedi Fashion.