Well, I’m just out of the worst part of a nasty emotional crash and into the ‘ok what the fuck do I do’ section of it. Also the ‘I need a nap’ section of it (stress makes me sleepy).
On New Year’s Eve, I invited some friends over. These are my boyfriend (pseudonym: Kitty), and two friends (pseudonyms: Peaches and Fingers). Kitty, Peaches and I played/assisted/made snarky comments about a particular video game, and we all watched a film together. I thought the evening had gone pretty well.
Additional note: I have been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, and Kitty and Peaches are strongly suspected to have it, although they do not have a formal diagnosis. Fingers doesn’t have Asperger’s syndrome, but he does have a history of depression. Athough to be honest all of us have more issues than the Times newspaper individually.
Last night I was playing another installment in this series and talking to Fingers online. I was geeking out a bit over the game, when he said that he had been bored on NYE and that he never wanted to hear of this particular game series again. I would copy paste but my computer has broken and I have to use a web proxy on the one I am borrowing. He also said he wasn’t going to tell the others because he knew I would tell them anyway. What he said was a lot blunter, and more hurtful. I said sorry and left the computer. I then cried (rare) and self-harmed with a bread knife (really unusual, I only self harm about once a year and just scratching). I also felt like smashing my playstation and destroying my games, and that I was a shitty person and a bad friend.
I’ve calmed down a bit now, although I don’t know what to do. I tried talking to Kitty, he wasn’t much help – although he did know what happened, because Fingers told him for some reason unknown to both myself and Kitty. I also talked to Peaches, who gave me valuable venting space and e-hugs. She’s told me she’d like to yell at him online (although I don’t think this would do much good). I’ve been tempted to do some passive-aggressive bitchy things like taking pictures of my wounds or sarcastically apologising for mentioning the game series on Twitter, but I don’t think that would do any good either. On the other hand I would like to do something – just something that won’t hurt him or damage our relationship.
I have had another crash (wherin I discovered that sorrows are amphibious) also as a result of my reaction to Finger’s behaviour: he arranged to come over, and then cancelled really close to the time. He’s chronically unreliable and it’s quite upsetting. He was hemming and hawwing about NYE too.
Your letter has a lot of wrongness in it.
First, let’s talk about the collection of undiagnosed mental illnesses or spectrum disorders your friends might have. This is a big “Who knows?” right? Without a diagnosis, you’re just speculating. This is why it’s important to separate behaviors from reasons. You can’t ask someone to stop having a certain disorder, and you can waste a lot of time speculating about the reasons they might be behaving a certain way, but you can ask them to change (or at least moderate) certain behaviors around you.
Even if you did know, having a certain diagnosis really isn’t the shorthand for “Oh, that’s why they are acting like that,” which is something we risk when we define people as their condition. No matter what it says on your respective intake forms, you have to talk to each other about stuff that’s going on and say stuff that you feel out loud with words. No assumptions, no shortcuts.
Which brings us to your argument with your friend over the videogame. It’s not necessarily that far out of line for him to say “Yeah, I don’t like that game and was pretty bored on NYE, can we talk about something else?” or, in the course of your chat, “It’s nice that you like the game, but can we talk about something else? It’s not my thing.” Ideally he would have either said something at the party, like suggesting something else you could all do, or bailed early when it was clear you were all really into the game. To turn it into personal insults about you was not cool.
What worries me profoundly is that your reaction to your friend’s words is extremely disproportionate. Smashing all of your games that you love because one dude isn’t into that particular game? Not a proportionate response. Self-harming = THERAPY TIME. You’re taking his negative emotions about you and your negative emotions about him and channeling it into hurting yourself. This is not okay.
This is also a big red flag:
“I’ve been tempted to do some passive-aggressive bitchy things like taking pictures of my wounds or sarcastically apologising for mentioning the game series on Twitter, but I don’t think that would do any good either. On the other hand I would like to do something – just something that won’t hurt him or damage our relationship.”
As soon as you start suggesting doing “passive-aggressive bitchy things” as a response to any conflict, I’ve got to whip out a big can of NO. That is not how mature, emotionally healthy people handle conflict. See also: Taking it to Twitter. Twitter is not a medium for having emotional discussions. I’m also giving a side-eye to having your friend “yelling at him online.” Can’t you do your own yelling? I’m guessing no, you don’t feel like you can, and we’ll get to that in a second.
I’m going to whip out an even bigger can of AW HELL NO to the whole “I will photograph my wounds to punish him with guilt” ploy. Your wounds are not his fault. They are something you chose to do in response to stuff he said. It may feel compulsive, it may not feel like a choice at the time – you’re in a slightly altered state and are just releasing the stress of negative emotions – but it’s not something that you can hold him responsible for, and even if you could it’s not likely to get you the response that you’re looking for. Dramatic gestures, hints, passive-aggressive sighing or social media status updates, guilt trips are all attempts to manipulate someone into behaving how you want. They do not work, and almost always backfire in a very bad way by producing the opposite reaction because now you are the one who is demonstrably out of line.
Here’s what you do. You call a therapist. Or you get your parents to call one for you, or go to your university’s counseling center, or whatever. Now. Well, today is Sunday. Tomorrow. Something about the way you are processing and expressing emotion is off-kilter and this is a sign you need to deal with it before it becomes a bigger deal. Good news: You can learn how to get better at having conflict with other people in a more direct and constructive way.
The second thing you do is to email your friend…Fingers, is it?…and say “I’m sorry you are bored by (game) and wish you’d just spoken up on New Year’s Eve instead of expecting us to magically read your mind. Maybe the three of us could have planned a time to play the game when you weren’t with us. However, the way you talked to me the other night was really out of line. You hurt my feelings, and I’d like an apology.”
Do you see how direct that is? You feel hurt and angry, so you tell him that you are hurt and angry, and you ask directly for what you need. You can’t control what he will do, but you can express yourself to him honestly and hope for the best. Hopefully he apologizes and makes amends. Maybe he doesn’t, in which case, farewell, Fingers, we hardly knew ye. Maybe the overall message of his flaky behavior and his verbal cruelty is that he doesn’t really want to be friends anymore but doesn’t know how to make a clean break. In any case, it’s not you converting this guy’s negative emotions and poor communication skills into hamburger on your arm, ok?
40 thoughts on “Question #168: The Peaches/Fingers/Kitty/New Year’s/Gaming/Self-Harm Situation”
Therapy sounds perfect.
I’m with the Captain, it doesn’t matter what issues you and your friends have, you’re all responsible for your own behavior and capable of stopping. What is going on is not because the Issues are running things, it’s because the people involved are letting the Issues run things. Once you make that choice to say “Oh, he’s depressed, so it’s okay/understandable/whatever that he’s doing x,” then things are actually really not okay.
Therapy is going to be very important to you, because it’s going to give you the mental tools you need to deal with these strong emotions, and how to properly channel them.
Very excellent advice. I, too, was surprised by the strength of the LW’s reaction to Fingers’ complaint that he was bored and didn’t have a good time on NYE. Fingers is responsible for his own good time, and it was bullshitte on his part to try to make the LW take responsibility for it. But one wants to get to an emotional place where other people’s unwarranted judgments and finger-pointing are meaningless to one’s own equanimity.
OK, so I really want to congratulate LW on not doing anything passive-aggressive about this situation. Way to go! Excellent instincts on not exacerbating things and resisting your worst impulses.
That said… therapy like whoa. LW, interpersonal relationships are complex for you right now. I get that. But there is no reason to feel like you must hurt yourself and your property because of others’ hurtful words or differing opinions. You’ve got to work on ways to care for yourself better in these situations. A therapist who is familiar with Aspergers and self-harm can definitely, definitely help you out here.
And yo, if your friend is like, “I am not responsible for being a jerk to you about New Years because of my possible Asperger’s” then that is some bullshit for sure.
Word. That’s called “being a jerk.” You can be non-neurotypical in some way and be a big giant jerk at the same time.
Yep, pretty much.
This may be too harsh, I’m not sure. But ever since I met a couple of people who are like “I might have x crippling personality disorder you guys” and then treat people like shit and then say “don’t you remember, I might have x crippling personality disorder!” as if that were some kind of excuse, I have a new policy on undiagnosed mental issues:
I say, “wow that does sound like something you might want to see a therapist about”, and I point out that diagnoses are only given in a therapeutic relationship. Another key fact to bring up might be the fact that ALL psych students get a lecture the first time they crack open the DSM, that reading descriptions of different disorders will naturally make you project that shit onto yourself, so even TRAINED PSYCHOLOGISTS are told to never ever ever try to diagnose themselves.
Then I change the subject.
Then every time the undiagnosed possible disorder comes up again, rinse and repeat.
It doesn’t sound too harsh to me! In fact, I love it and think it is the only way to deal with that stuff.
For me this comes up the most often with students (as I don’t hang out with people who blame their bad behavior on undiagnosed medical conditions in my free time), and the script is similar.
“Wow, that sounds rough. You should definitely get that checked out. A lot of that stuff doesn’t manifest until people are in their late teens/early 20s, so this is the perfect time to look deeper into that for you, and there are a lot of resources that can help you. Please visit (relevant campus office) and let them help you get a formal diagnosis – it may be possible to get you some kind of accommodations to help you learn. So you’ll be handing that homework in by tonight, right? Because after today it’s a zero.”
I’m friends with Asperger’s/Autism Spectrum Disorder people, and also with people with diagnosed personality disorders, and for us to be healthy, we all have to own our behaviour. With my ASD friends, we all have to be explicit: “When you got up really fast and went into the other room, it made me think you were upset. Were you?” or “I’m sorry I was so bitchy to you, I was stressed about something else and didn’t watch myself closely enough.” With friends with PDs, it means checking in with each other–“I know you seem really upset, but this is something you’ve dealt with before without problems. Is it possible this tripped a trigger for you to fall into [personality disorder tendency]?” It means they need to be able to say, “Yeah, you’re right, I was not totally correct there,” and fix it.
If you want to stay friends and you have a mental issue that keeps pulling your reactions off of true north, it’s more important to listen to the people you love and trust, and checking in with impartial third parties. It’s stressful and difficult, but it’s even more stressful and difficult if you try to do it through interpretive dance.
I live in a house of five non-ASD nerds, and during a sudden and stressful house-move the only reason we failed to murderize each other was by behaving as you describe in the first paragraph. For a week or two we were all incredibly stressed, tired, physically uncomfortable from hauling boxes around, usually hungry because we didn’t have time to have proper meals. We were like landmines of ANGER and HURT FEELINGS and the only thing that stopped us going off was taking a deep breath and saying “I know you’re not doing anything wrong and I am being cranky, but the thing that you are talking about is causing me irrational and foolish RAAAAAGE so would you be able to change the subject? How about puppies, we all like talking about those!” or “RARGH HOW COULD YOU! Oh wait, I’m sorry, that was rude and disproportionate, what I meant was that I’m really really warm so can you please leave the window open and if you are cold here’s a blanket,” or “You seem angry. Is it something specific you need to talk about or are you just not in a good mood? And if so do you want me to leave you alone or to make you tea?”
We’re now scarily good at warning each other when in the kind of emotional state that is likely to lead to irrational outbutsts, and at doing our best to minimise them and to exercise damage control.
That’s me, Professor Meanypants. Well, I aspire to be Professor Meanypants. Now I am only Adjunct Instructor Meanypants.
I want to mention another big red flag / therapy time indicator others have not brought up. LW, you said
I have had another crash (wherin I discovered that sorrows are amphibious) also as a result of my reaction to Finger’s behaviour: he arranged to come over, and then cancelled really close to the time.
Friends flaking out on plans shouldn’t cause huge emotional crashes. Friends flaking out should make you go “Aw, that’s too bad. Guess I’ll just do X on my own / find something else to do.” If you needed to put lots of time and effort into making the joint event happen, maybe you decide not to invite this flaky friend to stuff that requires lots of prep. If the event was something that was really important to you, then you let yourself grieve for not getting to do it with your friend, then plan not to rely on this friend for that kind of stuff in the future. But an emotional crash because a friend flakes out is a definite sign that you are not handling relationships in a healthy way.
Am I the only nerdy person who hates watching other people play video games? I’m not totally clear on what exactly happened at the LW’s NYE gathering. But it reminded me of gatherings i have attended where one person played an RPG while others sat and watched. I guess I have just always assumed that this was as boring for everyone else as it was for me. Am I alone in this?
I can completely relate to the feelings of “Fingers” in this case. You spend hours being bored, but since you are the only bored person you don’t want to interrupt everyone else’s good time. (Or maybe you say something and then it takes another 20 minutes to find a save point ugh.) And then later you probably overstate your level of distaste for a game that bored you for hours in a not very sensitive way.
Personally I don’t have a very good reaction to long term semi-forced exposure to media I am already “meh” about. Just ASK me if I’d like to watch the movie Little Mermaid, I will totally douche out on you. I have similarly rude responses to pretty much all Christmas music, Dave Matthew’s band and the ./hack series of games. It is not about whether or not it is good, or someone else’s opinions, it’s about being exposed to it unwillingly for a length of time. For me it is a recipe for UGH PLEASE NEVER AGAIN, and I mean never.
All that said, I would never want one of my friends to cut themselves, or even feel a small fraction of the sad that the LW is describing because they made me watch stuff I found boring, when I didn’t tell them how bored I was.
Honestly, this isn’t making a great case. Somewhere in there is your responsibilty, before it gets to RUDE DOUCHE level, to say “Can we do something else?” or “Looks like you’re really into that! Have fun, I’m going to go home now.” It can be boring to be at a party where everyone is into a game and I’m not, but I don’t have a right to be exposed only to pop culture that I like and take people’s tastes out on them in a mean way.
-Says the girl who hates the movie Rent, which I see as a story about the world’s least talented filmmaker and his similarly untalented friends who should STFU, stop singing those horrible songs, and pay their goddamned rent. But I don’t think people who like it are bad or that I am better than them or that they deserve my next-day “I hate that movie and you a little for making me watch it” rant.
a story about the world’s least talented filmmaker and his similarly untalented friends who should STFU, stop singing those horrible songs, and pay their goddamned rent
Ah, the ’90s, when, if you were an artsy bohemian type, your worst problem was that your cool landlord would decide to stop letting you sponge off him, forcing you to get an awesome job in television instead of lounging at home all day videotaping your douchebag friends. Also, AIDS.
I have to admit, except for the AIDS, it gets me kind of nostalgic.
“Rent, which I see as a story about the world’s least talented filmmaker and his similarly untalented friends who should STFU, stop singing those horrible songs, and pay their goddamned rent.”
I would past this on Facebook as my status right now if it would not start a giant FB-spilling-over-into-IRL-shitstorm.
Because that is exactly, exactly right.
I’m with the Captain on this one. I hate sitting around watching people play video games. I also hate sitting around watching people have music jams. Those are boring activities for me. Also, they bring up stupid memories from when I was a teenager and didn’t speak up about how bored I was when my stupid boyfriend did that crap.
But. If I’m at someone’s house and they’re playing a video game I can’t/don’t want to play or playing music in a way that doesn’t involve me, I speak up. I say, “Hey, this is boring for me. Can we do something else?” and if they say no, then I leave.
And also, from what the LW said, it doesn’t seem like they played about a video game on NYE, it seems like they _talked_about_ a video game. I don’t see what stopped Fingers from saying “I don’t play that game. Let’s talk about X instead.”
I absolutely do not enjoy playing video games, and I really hate watching other people play video games, probably because I have no interest in the games themselves. It’s like watching someone read; I can see that they’re enjoying themselves, but since I’m not at all engaged in the activity, I’m bored out of my skull. So I can certainly understand not enjoying an event that mostly involves playing video games, and I can also understand being annoyed if someone who knows how I feel about video games invites me over to watch them play. But that sounds different from what the LW has described. It sounds like Fingers did not mention being bored on NYE, and then lashed out about it later. There are several reasons why he may have done this, but saying hurtful things to someone is generally not cool, regardless of the reasons.
Sorry, I TOTALLY AGREE that he should not have lashed out about it later in what sounds like a very hateful way. I should have been clearer about that. Not okay. It should have come up that night, and hopefully politely.
I was just trying to say that I do understand how this can happen. And if he has issues of his own, it isn’t surprising that he didn’t handle it with extreme politeness.
Not that he gets a pass.
Also, I am so glad I am not the only person in the world who hates Rent.
I ALSO HATE RENT.
I’m glad you clarified. I think it’s actually a 6th GSF that shared pop culture tastes are meaningful beyond a very surface level.
I’m going to go off on a tangent here.
A lot of things said about what people with Asperger Syndrome are like sound more to me like consequences of mishandling children with the Syndrome. I have a son who was diagnosed some 16 years ago with it, and some family members who are a lot like him (so I suspect they have it, too), so I have some familiarity with what it is about, though I’m obviously no professional.
(I apologize in advance to those to whom this is old hat, but I’ve spent what seems like my
whole life explaining and re-explaining this stuff to people, and having them still not get it.)
The main issue with Asperger Syndrome is difficulty in learning to interpret unconscious social cues. It’s a learning disability, sort of like dyslexia: if you give a child with it the appropriate help, they can eventually learn to perform almost as well as someone who doesn’t have the disability, but if you don’t, they are likely to have a lot of problems even as adults.
Unlike dyslexia, one aspect of Asperger Syndrome is that the child behaves in ways that other people completely misinterpret — in my son’s case, as stubbornness, defiance, disrespect, etc. — and the overreactions can cause a lot of other problems, not to mention not helping him learn to behave in ways that won’t get him into trouble. Until we got my son into an appropriate program, we were constantly having to go into his school to deal with the problems caused by clueless teachers, school psychologists, administrators, etc.
Another thing we noticed with my son: he needed special help to learn to recognize and deal with _his_ _own_ emotions. This is not something most people imagine is even possible. (“How could you _not_ know you’re angry?”)
The good thing about all this: if you are diagnosed with Asperger’s, and you have problems with depression, self-hatred, etc., these are _not_ inevitable consequences of Asperger’s, but things that can be treated just as successfully as they can in neurotypical people. And while therapy can’t turn someone with Asperger’s into a neurotypical, it can help him/her learn to better deal with social situations (or his/her own emotions), if that’s an issue.
Finally, as others have mentioned, being a jerk is not in any sense a consequence of Asperger Syndrome. Neither my son nor my “possibly Aspie” relatives are in any way jerks. (They’re sometimes a PITA, but that’s true of everyone sometimes.) Even the Aspies I know who got totally inappropriate “treatment” as children were never jerks. (Screwed up, but not jerks.)
This. I know a number of Aspie people. Some of them are jerks. Some of them are not jerks. Some require therapy for serious stress/self-esteem issues (and it helps, yay). Some don’t. The only thing they really have in common is they have to consciously think about social cues or they miss them (which can look inconsiderate, but not cruel) and they have texture issues and personal obsessions.
Seriously, though, knowing that someone has Asperger’s and resenting them for obsessing when you never say, in words, that you’re bored? Lame. As the person with depression in a crowd of Aspies, I can say for myself Fingers has only himself to blame. He should have brought out Apples to Apples. That game gets awesome when you play it with atypical people.
I didn’t know that about Asperger’s — the part about inability to recognize one’s own emotions. Still goes to the answer “Therapy. Get some.” but it’s good to know.
Spot on advice, really. People don’t need to be how you’d like them to be, but you do have a right to set boundaries and enforce them verbally. And it sounds SO SIMPLE when you read it, but learning to do it, whether you’re neurotypical or not, is difficult.
Also, passive-aggression is bad. Always bad.
I’m guessing Fingers knows about Sad’s ASD, in which case I am side-eyeing him for not using his words at the party. Being bored and expecting friends to read your mind, then punishing them later for not getting it, is rude and counterproductive even if everyone is totally neurotypical, but it’s a dick move to expect someone with Asperger’s to read your mind and get mad when they don’t. I mean, I could *probably* tell someone was bored if I consciously looked for cues like ‘not inclining their body towards the focus of interest’ or ‘sighing a lot’, but I can’t do that continually while also trying to have a good time and pay attention to my other guests.
If Sad hasn’t already, sie needs to sit Fingers down and explain that sie wants him to have a good time when they hang out, but sie can’t tell what he’s feeling unless he speaks up, so in future can he please say if he’s bored or upset and they can figure out a solution. (This is after the email in which he hopefully apologises for hurting Sad’s feelings in the Angry IM Chat. If he tries to say the Angry IM Chat counts as speaking up about his feelings, repeat that you wish he’d said something at the time, when you could have done something about it. Captain Awkward’s script is great, but the group needs ‘Please speak up at the time while we can still do something about it’ as a general rule. It’s really painful to worry that your friends are upset with you and you can’t tell.)
That said, therapy is an excellent idea. With the best will in the world, conflict will happen and people will say jerky things sometimes, and therapy will help you not turn other people’s negative emotions into a judgement of your self-worth.
Being bored and expecting friends to read your mind, then punishing them later for not getting it, is rude and counterproductive even if everyone is totally neurotypical
To quote the motto of this web site: “Use Your Words.”
Also note: there are lots of reasons other than an ASD why one might not pick up on Fingers’ mental state unless he says something. Cultural differences are an obvious example, but I’m sure that we could as a group compile quite a list of other reasons.
Being bored and expecting friends to read your mind, then punishing them later for not getting it, is rude and counterproductive even if everyone is totally neurotypical
Edit, for new life motto: Expecting people to read your mind and then punishing them later for not doing so is rude and counterproductive.
I’ve watched so many friends’ romantic relationships dissolve into petty arguments over just this issue.
I just wanted to say “thank you” to everyone who has pointed out that being a jerk is not necessarily a symptom of a mental disorder, or of being non-neurotypical in some way– and conversely, that people in either of the latter two groups might be a jerk over and above any of those other mental quirks.
And I’d like to send another thank you out to people who insist that undiagnosed problems aren’t a free pass for bad behavior.
It’s all true, and it makes me feel stronger to see it re-iterated so plainly.
Just to chime in with one more thing: disproportional emotional responses to day-to-day slights and upsets can be a sign of wonderfully treatable depression! I knew it was so for me at one point, when a very nice woman (not a mean bone in her body) disagreed with me at a meeting, and I spiraled downward as if she had said she hated me and thought I was stupid. Happened for my husband when his job was shaky and his father died; he started snapping at the kids for the littlest gosh-darned transgressions. We both got ourselves to the doctor, and in both our cases a little medication worked wonders.
This is not to say that you should second-guess all your emotions, or not allow yourself to be hurt when you’re hurt, etc., or that meds are the answer to everything. Your situation sounds all around more challenging than ours were. But when you take an admittedly rudely expressed “I didn’t have fun the other night” and take that to self-harming, it is definitely time to get help. To get yourself over the hump, visualize yourself not being sent into emotional tailspins by the flotsam and jetsam of life. Trust me, it’s worth the effort to get there.
Dude, my moment of “I need some meds” clarity came when I started crying at IKEA because they were out of clam chowder. Mr Machine literally had to rescue me from the food line.
Hi, Letter Writer here.
I had a doctor’s checkup appointment today, and I brought up this along with some other symptoms I’ve been having lately. They said it might be underactive thyroid, chronic fatigue syndrome or depression. I’m having some blood tests done, but whatever the result I’m going to go for therapy because I do need it.
I’m going back to university in a week and I am arranging for an appointment with my mentor from the local Autistic Society. I’m going to bring this up and hopefully they can put me in contact with a suitable councillor/counsellor.
I would have sent the email, but Fingers has just popped up on MSN apologising.
It sounds like you are kicking ass and taking names today, so good work on recognizing that things were out of control and taking care of yourself. Best of luck.
Glad to hear that Fingers apologized on his own. And that you’re taking steps to make things better for yourself.
As an aside … Do you feel like you have a horrible case of the flu all the time, and even the most trivial physical exertion makes you feel worse? If not, you don’t have “chronic fatigue syndrome,” which is what insurance companies lobbied to call myalgic encephalomyelitis. Be wary of a doctor who diagnoses you with that if you feel tired a lot, but not physically ill.
I’m being tested for it as well as underactive thyroid, but it’s suspected to be underactive thyroid rather than chronic fatigue. I have a strong family history of thyroid problems and potential signs were showing up on other tests. They just want to make sure I’m getting the right treatment as quickly as possible – giving thyroxine to someone who doesn’t need it can be very dangerous. I’ve mostly been tired, with muscular pain and unenthusiastic about nearly everything (except seeing my friends over the holiday).
I’m on the NHS so I can’t comment on the insurance thing.
It could be depression, too. I didn’t think I was especially *sad* or anything, mostly I was dead tired all of the time. And it got worse and worse. I tested negative for everything, until I finally got a family doctor who said “Maaaaaaaaybe we could put you on anti-depressants to see what happens?”
So now I am not having to take a nap at 10am anymore. Also I discovered my baseline for “I’m not that sad” was set way too high. I was pretty sad, in retrospect.
Yaaaay! Thrilled to hear you are getting help with the biochemical aspect of your situation AND therapy. Tackle it on all fronts! It’s not like identifying food allergies, where you only want to change one thing at a time so you can label the offending substance.
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