The problem of “It Just Happened” + other links.

So, so good:

“But here’s the thing: You can’t have sexual relationships without messy, awkward, emotionally risky interactions. You just can’t. You can deal with the messy, awkward, emotionally risky stuff up front and honestly and increase your chances of having fulfilling mutual interactions, or you can wait and hope it doesn’t blow up in your face. But you can’t engage on such an intimate level with another human being without it sometimes being weird. The sooner you make peace with that and stop imagining this stuff is easy for everyone but you (because it’s not: It’s messy, risky, and emotionally awkward for everyone), the sooner you’ll stop letting things “just happen” and take control of your sexual and romantic life.”

Go read this excerpt from the brilliant Jaclyn Friedman’s What You Really, Really Want at Jezebel. THIS is what we’ve been saying here at Captain Awkward Dot Com Enterprises:  Put yourself out there. Even when it’s weird. Use your words.  Ask for what you want. Don’t call yourself a slut – own your desires! You can be friends-with-benefits, as long as you treat each other like friends!  If you’d like your partner to make a move already, talk about it. Don’t apologize for being sexually inexperienced!

I’m also loving Sady’s answer to the question Why being skinny so important to so many girls? in Rookie. (Because if people can trick women into worrying about how skinny they are, they can make us buy stuff and also divert our energies from taking over the world, mostly).

If you’d like to sponsor a young woman to participate in a workshop about feminism led by members of the Crunk Feminist Collective, here’s where you help (or buy her a feminist book).

Finally, how’s this as an awesome pitch for a YA book?

One thought on “The problem of “It Just Happened” + other links.

  1. Yes. After a year of many, many casual sexual encounters ‘just happening’, and generally being not great, a good friend took me aside and told me that I could make decisions and think about what I wanted in my sexual life. It was such a revelation. I could take time out and think about what I wanted to happen with X person or in X scenario and what I wasn’t ok with. I could do this before I met up with someone, before I went out for the night, before whatever to know what I wanted to happen in or with that time/person/place. Once I learnt how to do this I was able navigate better sex and relationships with people because I was honest about my intentions, what I wanted and what I could give (both with other people and with myself).

    It has also given me a very good framework for saying no to a situation that I’m not ok with. Before, I couldn’t really pinpoint why I wasn’t ok with something because I didn’t actually know what I was ok with and what I wasn’t ok with. I ignored my gut because I didn’t have a reason and if I didn’t have a reason then I was the one with the problem. Often I felt that I was in too deep too pull out and then it ‘just happened’. Having a framework for no has been great. Since learning to stop things from ‘just happening’ and taking responsibility for my needs and wants I have found that I’ve had more sex with people I actually like, had better sex because I was really into it, stopped feeling (as) bad about saying no or ejecting from a situation and stopped a whole bunch of not so great scenarios from even getting a leg up into the realm of existence. Hurrah!

    This doesn’t mean I have a plan for everything I do. Just that I know my limits, am aware of my gut and generally what I’m up for at that time.

    Anyway, thank you for the great links and keep being awesome.

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