I’m still posting at Feministe this week, most recently about how The Interrupters allowed me to finally process and write about some of the violent incidents I witnessed in my old neighborhood. The filmmaker is a personal hero of mine, so when he stopped by to comment I had a little geek-out involving many exclamation points.
Today we have a guest-post from Holly at The Pervocracy. She writes great stuff like How Not To Be Creepy and a monthly Cosmocking series and this pretty amazing breakdown of Why Does She Stay With That Jerk? from the perspective of someone who patches up domestic violence victims in the ER, and also sometimes about kinky kinky sex.
I have a problem. It’s a problem that might just work itself out in time but, being an incredibly impatient person, I’m worrying at it like a dog with a sock.
I have a new chap in my life. According to him, we’re “dating”. Being fairly new to this singles scene (I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years a year ago and haven’t really done much ‘dating” since), I guess that means that we’re keen on each other, but not yet committed (?). Which is fine with me since we’ve only known each other a month and since we met over “one of *those*” websites. That sounds justification-y, doesn’t it? I don’t have a problem with how we met…other than it’s harder to know much about a person other than what they tell you. As in, there’s no external context to them. So this guy is *this way* and says he’s *this way* and I have to accept that he truly is *this way* since I have no other point of reference. Mind you, nothing that he’s said or done over the last four weeks has indicated to me that he is anything other than what he says he is, so I’m getting to trust. (As well as being impatient, I’m not great on trust).
So, anyway. Here’s the maybe-problem. Everything is going really slowly. Why is that a problem? Because nothing has ever gone really slowly for me! Ever! The last boyfriend (he of the seven years) moved in with me after a month. We were sleeping together by the end of the first week. That’s the way I roll. And maybe there’s vast layers of my own dysfunctional history in that, and I’m not saying that going slowly isn’t The Best Thing Ever…it’s just unusual for me. And my head is now in the way. Maybe he doesn’t desire me? Maybe he likes me, but only as a friend? Maybe I kind of repulse him on some level? Why isn’t he hitting on me??? Isn’t that what men do?
Bear in mind that in other respects it’s all been quite full on. He’s been in my house four or five times. Three of those times we’ve ended up in bed together. We’ve slept together (literally), we’ve held each other and kissed and touched and it’s all been quite lovely; but nothing has progressed beyond…well, the neck. As in….second base?
And the complicating factor: he’s also told me that he’s into D/s. And that he’s the s. Which is where the GGG comes in, because I’ve been as vanilla as they come in my past relationships; but I would say that I’m game and actually quite excited to explore this, if he’s interested in helping me along. But in the context of our currently super-chaste relationship…argh!
I don’t know what to do now. The old me would drink a bottle of wine and attempt to seduce him. The new me doesn’t want to do anything while drunk, and really doesn’t want to scare him off. Am I overthinking this (yes, obviously)? And how do I stop overthinking this? How do I figure out what I should do? Something? Nothing? Help
Which is what you’ve got to do. Don’t get drunk. But do talk to him. Say, “Hey chap, I would like to sleep with you. As in sleep with you sleep with you. How do you feel about that?” It’s not “seducing” him; it’s just airing out the elephant in the room. Is it awkward to spell it out like that? Not half as awkward as spending the whole night in bed with someone never knowing if this time it’s going to suddenly turn into sex or not or what. And after a full month of dating, bringing up the subject of sex is hardly shockingly forward.
The same goes for exploring his kinky side; let him know, in totally blunt unsexy words, exactly where you stand. Kinksters are used to this; we call it “negotiation.” Negotiation can’t be done entirely with sexiness and seduction; at some point, you’ve got to just say what you’re thinking. “Hey chap, I would like to try this D/s stuff you like with you. How do you feel about that?” And if he feels positively about it, tell him where you’re at: “Hey chap, I’ve never done this before, but I’m quite excited to explore it. Can you tell me what your previous experiences are, and what kind of things you like?” Make your first play session something short-term and not too intense, and talk afterwards about how it went and what you each liked and didn’t like, before taking on anything hardcore.
I can’t promise you a happy ending just by getting everything out in the clear with him, but I can promise you won’t feel like you’re stuck in the prologue forever.
Best of luck,
P.S.: You were on one of “*those* websites” too, and he doesn’t know any more about you than you do about him. Maybe this is another reason he’s taking things slow.