“My boyfriend breaks things when we don’t have sex.”

I love seeing what search terms bring people here  to Captain Awkward Dot Com Enterprises. “Today can eat a bag of dicks.”  “Wealthy women have needs, too.”  “How do I find a rich bad girl?”  In this post, I’ll try to answer some of the questions I found in my search terms.  Sometimes you don’t need the backstory to know that something is a terrible idea.

I’m putting the actual questions behind a cut.  Some of them involve rape and sexual pressure and coercion and are 100% A+++ NOT FUNNY and the fact that people are Googling this stuff is breaking my heart.

1.  “Invite your rapist to wedding.”

Why would you do that?  Why?  Seriously, why?  Do not do that, and if someone else invites your rapist to their wedding, do not go to that wedding, and if someone tries to pressure you into inviting your rapist to your own wedding, delete that someone from your life, okay?  Also, if you know that one of your potential wedding guests raped another one of your potential wedding guests…FUCKING REMOVE THE RAPIST FROM YOUR GUEST LIST.  Look how the whole seating chart just fell into place!

Feel free to send in the long form of this question and I will talk at length about how much you should not do that.

2.  “My boyfriend breaks things when we don’t have sex.“

Answer:  That is not good.  That sounds like very threatening, bad behavior that you shouldn’t have to deal with.  It is not normal and it is not okay.  Break up with this person?  Please?  Now?

3.  “He only wants to do stuff he saw in porn.”

Is that fun for you?  Are you enjoying that?  Is it stuff from porn that you also enjoy and want to try?  If yes, enjoy your porntastic sex life.  If no, stop fucking that dude.

4.  “What does the phrase ‘leave me be’ mean?”

Glad you asked.  If someone says “leave me be”, they are saying, “Go away and don’t talk to me anymore,” and they are saying it as bluntly as possible.  Go away and don’t talk to that person anymore.

5.  “How to be friends with benefits with someone you already have feelings for?”

Speak up about the feelings and see where it takes you.  You owe your friends honesty.  You owe people you are fucking honesty.  If you don’t speak up about the feelings and keep having sex with the person with the passive-aggressive hope that they will fall in love with you….uh, enjoy it while it lasts?  Because soon you will have neither the friendship nor the benefits.  Sorry, this also affects the person who searched for “Will amazing sex make my fuck buddy want to be my boyfriend?”  If you want the person to be your boyfriend, ask him to be your boyfriend, and take Miss Plumcake’s classic advice:  You cannot screw your way to self-worth.

6. “Nerdy shy guys in bed”

I learned a lot of things at my fancy big-city college.  One of them was “Never underestimate a nerd who has read a lot about sex and has some things pent up that he’d like to express about that.”

7.  “Partner threatens to break up over porn.”

Maybe that’s not the right partner for you? Maybe porn isn’t the real problem?

8.  “What do you do when your boyfriend is putting on the pressure to have sex?”

You tell him, “Hey, I don’t appreciate being pressured.  It’s not sexy and it doesn’t put me in the mood.  Don’t talk to me like that again.”  And if he keeps pressuring you, you dump his pushy entitled ass.  Also, for the person who searched “Is it raped if he gives you a hard time for saying no?” I want to reach through the internet and give you a hug.  Go to this website (RAINN – Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) RIGHT NOW, okay?  Right now.  If you’re Googling those words in that order you definitely need to talk to sympathetic, trained person.

9.  “When you are fired – what does ‘you’re not a good fit’ mean?”

It could mean a lot of things.  It could mean that you’re just not good at your job and your skills are poorly matched.  It could mean that you don’t mesh well with other people on the team.  It could mean “We can’t quite put our finger on it, but we don’t like you, and this is an at-will employment state.”  Maybe think about whether the job was a good fit for you?  Did you enjoy it?  Did you feel competent and awesome?  Is there something you’d like doing better?

If someone tells you that when you’re fired, take in the information, process it, accept that you were fired.  Then send the boss a polite email.  “I know this is awkward, but I would appreciate any clarity or feedback you could give me that I could take forward into my job search. What kinds of roles do you think would be a better fit for me?  Is there one specific thing I could improve going forward?”  If they’re nice enough to answer you, even if it’s totally off-base, just say “Thank you so much” and move on with your life.

10.  We set up 2nd date but I’m getting no response to confirmation.

If you were the last one to call or email, let it drop.  If the person never confirms, assume they didn’t really want to go on the date or that something else came up.  If the other person was the last person to contact you, send them a reply, “Hey, just wanted to check, are we still on for this weekend?”  If they don’t reply, take it as a “no.”  It’s a cold world, sorry  – Someone who is really clicking with you will make the effort to confirm.

11.  “Consent is sexy.”

Yes, yes it is.  After reading these search terms, multiply that statement by a million billion infinity.