Tag Archives: jealousy

Dear Captain,

I am a (female) musician just starting out on a new duo project with a fellow (male) musician, and we’re just about heading for our first gigs and things. We’re both really excited — we get on well musically and personally, and we’re enjoying what we do and looking forward to sharing it with people. However, he has a girlfriend, who is (perhaps inevitably) insecure in one way or another about him playing music with “pretty young women” (she’s a fair bit older than us two, hence the inclusion of “young”). They have their own conversations to have about all sorts of things (not my business, of course), but the nub of it is that it makes him uncomfortable having to tell her about this new duo with me. He and I are both on the autistic spectrum, and established in a beautifully blunt moment that neither of us was interested in the other for the sake of getting the conversation out of the way, and he’s since referred to me as a “top bloke”, which to me makes the distinction perfectly clear. While it’s that simple for us, it’s not that simple for her, and I totally see where she’s coming from having been in her position previously.

My question is what can I do to help the situation? He said he will talk to her about the duo at some point soon when he can find a good moment (they live quite far away from each other so it’s not 100% simple), but in the mean time, it means that I can’t get excited in public too much about it because he thinks she shouldn’t find out from me or by seeing a random Facebook post (far from unreasonable). He’s already asked me not to tag him in posts about being excited about making music together for her sake, and while I can see that it’s a small gesture towards keeping things OK from his side (he’s my friend, why the hell shouldn’t I?), I worry that I’m going to do or say something stupid that’s going to cause problems for them or for us. He says it’s not going to get in the way of the duo working and being successful, but I can’t help feeling there’s an inevitable sticking point if his girlfriend is uncomfortable with him hanging around with me at the close quarters necessary to work in such a small ensemble. I haven’t met her yet, though our paths are due to cross in the coming months, but I’m nervous of making some mistake that means that her insecurities come out and cause problems.

In short, I play music with a guy in whom I’m not remotely romantically interested, but I think my being female and apparently not bad looking (who am I to judge?) might cause a problem, and I want to know what I can do to avoid sticking my boot in it. She sounds nice, and they are basically happy, and he and I are very happy with the music we make, and I don’t want it to get any more complex than that.

Over-Optimistic Aspie Musician

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Beyonce asking" Why are you so jealous?"

We haven’t had a gif party or a “Yo, maybe you are way cooler than that person you are dating” thread in a while, so, here you go.

Dear Captain Awkward:

My partner of 5 years moved 200 miles away last week for a job. I’m sad he’s gone and I’m missing him, but I really support what he’s doing —  he was having a hard and stressful time finding work in his field in our city and has been unhappy for some time. We agreed that, for now, we want to keep our relationship exclusive and revisit that decision in a few months. 

On Saturday, I went to the corner store and one of the workers — I’ve seen him many times, but we’ve never really talked — initiated a conversation with me. I felt a little forced into it (“Hi there, lady who never talks to me when she comes in to buy cigarettes”) but he’s a part of my neighborhood and I wanted to be polite. He turned out to be a big talker and amusing storyteller, and we had a 15-minute conversation about his family, his country, and so on. Very innocuous and kind of sweet; I tend to be reserved and don’t necessarily get to know people I see daily. He asked about my partner, and I told him that he’d moved.

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Dear Captain Awkward,

My friend N alternately acts like she feels threatened by me and like she wants to be me. It’s really creepy but I don’t know how to address it without sounding jealous and paranoid.

I met her three years ago. We became close quickly, and she had a crush on me, which I suspect was a nice distraction from the awful breakup she was going through. She invited me on a camping trip hoping to hook up with me, but was surprised that bringing a second woman along meant she was no longer the only woman in an otherwise all-male group, and she was no longer the group’s tomboy because I have more camping experience. Several guys hit on me, including her ex. She spent the whole weekend sulking and making passive aggressive comments.

I thought her resentment would subside when I started dating someone, but she became really possessive of my boyfriend. They’ve never dated, but sometimes play-fight when they drink. My boyfriend and I both practice martial arts, and our rather hilarious how-did-you-two-meet story involves a fight club. Often when N and I are meeting someone new, I mention my boyfriend’s name. The other person asks, “Oh, who’s that?” Before I can answer, much less tell our story, N interrupts me with, “That’s her boyfriend, who ***I*** introduced her to, who I fight in the street! I’m a street fighter!” and she tells the story of that time she tried to fight my boyfriend, but fell and twisted her ankle and he carried her home. Then she talks about herself at length. If this new person is male, she doesn’t let me get a single word in edgewise. If a guy hits on me, she pouts and starts up the passive-aggression. She also tries to one-up me on comics trivia, which she only got into after meeting me.

I’ve tolerated this because she’s a great friend when sober. But lately, we only see each other at parties, and her behavior is getting more obnoxious. Recently she interrupted me talking about work to tell the “street fighting” story to people who had already heard it a million times, while positioning her chair in front of me so that her back was to me and I was physically excluded from the group. Later she glared at me, sat on my boyfriend’s lap, and talked about how great he is.

I’ve asked my boyfriend to deliberately invite me back into conversations when she excludes me, and to not make physical contact with her. I don’t know what to say to her though, and our once-close friendship is becoming a sad competition where no one wins.

–Not-Single, Not-White Female

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Hello, everyone! I ducked out to South Carolina for a few days to see family. Regular computer access is now restored.

Two links today:

Dear Captain Awkward:

I am a 14 year old and am a freshman in high school. I’m a guy by the way. There’s this other guy that keeps flirting with the girl I like. He’s kind of my friend but since he’s not in my grade, we don’t really talk much or hang out much. After school, I keep seeing him flirting with her and she talks to him and laughs with him occasionally. It gets on my nerves so bad! I really like her and I don’t like the fact that he likes her and is always flirting with her.

I’m jealous because he gets to spend more time with her than I do. I’m a freshmen and she’s a junior. We’re both in band together and that’s practically the only time I get to see her except in between classes, before and after school. I don’t think she likes me and I also don’t think she likes him. What should I do? I want her and I can’t stand to see him always talking to her and her talking to him. I’m jealous. What do I do and how to I get her away from him? She doesn’t really flirt back with him nor does she flirt with me. 

Jealous Guy

Dear Jealous Guy:

This is hard, painful, visceral stuff, but I’m glad you wrote in.

If you want to go out with this girl, ask her.


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Dear Captain Awkward,

So, this friend is someone I’ve known for nearly a decade. We went to college together, we were roommates during and after college together, we’ve collaborated on work together, we hang out weekly, we have certain holidays we spend with each other . . . that sort of thing. We’ve had our ups and downs, but arguably our relationship with each other is the best it’s ever been.

Problem is this: friend is very unhappy about her dating life. She has never had a significant other in all the time I’ve known her and has barely gone on dates — not for lack of interest in having either, but from a seeming dearth of potential partners. This is inexplicable to me, as she’s not a bad catch in many departments and can be a very likable, funny, cool person with undeniable talent, but the fact remains that she has been unhappily single in all the time I’ve known her. And yes, “unhappily single” are her own words, not mine.

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Dear Captain,

As a single woman working in a male dominated field, I do run into some weird situations. But I’ve never been confronted by a jealous wife before.

A year ago I relocated to a city about an hour’s drive from home so that I could be closer to my new job. A few days ago I was in a bad car crash. I survived it unharmed but my car was totalled. As the wreck was being towed, I called a few people, who I knew lived in the neighborhood, asking for a ride. I was very shaken up after the accident and was too scared to take a cab.

The first person to respond was a coworker who is a good work place friend of mine. He was close by and came to give me a ride. He had his two kids with him and they all dropped me off at my place. The next morning he texted to ask me if I needed to get a ride to work. My insurance company was going to give me a rental later that day, and I did need a ride to the office till then. He picked me up from my apt and dropped me at the office and I thanked him and that was it.

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a guy in a suit with a headache

How I picture law school.

Dear Captain Awkward,

My boyfriend and I have both just started law school in different cities, and I’m having trouble adjusting to the change in our financial situations.  For the last couple years we have been living together, making roughly the same (small) amount of money.  I’m going to a good school and have gotten some scholarships but I will be graduating with at least $50,000 in debt, and I expect to be paying it off for many years since the field I’m interested in is not exactly lucrative.  My boyfriend got a scholarship that gives him a full ride and very generous stipend at a top school.  He’s brilliant and hardworking and amazing, and he totally deserves all the good things that are coming to him, but it’s been a little tense between us lately because A) I can’t help being sort of jealous, and B) he’s not being particularly sensitive about the fact that he’s won the law school lottery.  I am having trouble figuring out where A ends and B begins, and how to deal with it.  

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