“what should i do to be attractive for my bf after one year”

You keep doing you. You’re already great!

“awkward clumsy giant lesbian”

WELCOME! HI!

“my husband left me last month 2013 to another woman i need help to get him back”

My heart aches for you, but there’s nothing you can really do here except take very, very good care of yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family. Find a counselor you can pour your heart out to. And don’t be afraid to call a lawyer –in a situation like this, that can be a deeply self-caring act.

“my husband thinks sleeping in his chair is spending time with me”

“Husband, let’s plan a DATE. I love you and I miss hanging out with you.”

“ex says they want to be friends but doesn’t attempt to be“

Your ex either a) doesn’t actually want to be friends now that they’ve had a chance to think it over or b) needs more time with no contact between you to really get over the relationship before a friendship is possible. Either way, your path is the same: disengage, stop contacting them, put your love and your energy into other friendships. The break in contact probably feels like more rejection on top of rejection, and that sucks, but it is really good for you in letting time do its healing work.

“how do i tell my abusive ex why i want no contact?”

Sadly, explaining “why” doesn’t really work with abusers. You could craft a beautiful note with airtight logic, write it on the finest paper in ink made of gold, put it in an envelope that also contained concert tickets to his favorite band & a coupon for a lifetime supply of therapy and have it carried to him by two hummingbirds. You could write a perfect breakup song and have the Mormon Tabernacle Choir surround his house and sing it in exquisite 8-part harmony. An abuser who has really latched onto you will just try to poke holes in your logic until they get what they want, which is access to and control of you.

The way to handle this is, one time, say “I don’t want us to be in touch. Please stop contacting me.” Then show the person that you don’t want to be in touch by not responding to any contact from them. Block them on email and all social media channels. Change your cell number, give it out only to close friends. Keep the old number turned on for a while so the person can leave messages for and text the void. Gather your friends, family, and other support system around you. Simple doesn’t mean easy – it takes a lot of patience and strength sometimes. But if your ex keeps hanging on, it’s not because you didn’t explain it correctly or because of anything you did. It’s ok to cut off contact and give yourself time to heal.

“what to text a girl who blew you off”

Nothing. You text her nothing.

“what do you say when someone messages you on a dating website and you aren’t interested”

You’re not obligated to answer at all and sometimes that’s the best way to send the message. But if the person put some time into crafting a response and seems really cool, try this:

“I’m so sorry, I do not want to meet up. But thanks for your thoughtful response, it is a good reminder that there are great people on here. I wish you luck.“

If they write back with any form of “But whyyyyyyyyyyyy?” revert to No Answer Is An Answer.

“he wants to break up because i contacted my best friend which is a guy”

This dude sounds jealous, insecure, and controlling as fuck. Let him break up with you, or, summon the hummingbirds and the choir and do it yourself. Listen to this on repeat:

“i’m 13 and straight but my best friend keeps trying to cuddle with me”

I suggest that you stick to addressing the behaviors you don’t like and leave the complex stuff about feelings/possible crushes/orientation alone. “Friend, when you try to cuddle me like that it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. Please stop.” Your friend is probably trying to figure out a lot of stuff right now, and you can have compassion for him or her while still enforcing good boundaries about what kind of touch is okay for you.

“how to get my boyfriend to be more hygienic”/”boyfriend stopped brushing teeth”/ “boyfriend unclean habits”

I suggest being blunt. Before any kind of kissing or touching happens, say: “Awesome, but let’s both brush our teeth first.” Or, “Would you mind taking a shower first?” Or try, “Boyfriend, you are one sexy dude, but your hygiene has been seriously lacking lately and it makes me not want to make out with you in the style to which I have become accustomed. What’s going on? Can you be more careful about tooth-brushing/wearing clean clothes/showering? Because this isn’t cool and doesn’t really seem like you.“

Goddamnit people brush your goddamn teeth and take a goddamn shower once in a while! This should not be popping up over and over again!

“fat dating”

Recommended!

“20 years old and still can’t find a boyfriend”

Please, please, please do whatever you have to do to question and fight the idea that a boyfriend is something you are supposed to achieve by a certain age. I know you feel this way for a reason, and everything in pop culture is backing up this insecurity and worry in you, and I hate it on your behalf. If dating isn’t working for you right now, pour your energy into something else, like being a great friend and finding things you love doing and doing the everloving shit out of them.

“how to make a gal in a long distance relationship fall for u”

Don’t vulture on other people’s relationships.

“how to emotionally express your feelings to your long distance girlfriend”

Use words. Maybe poems. For example:

Long Distance Isn’t – Samuel Hazo

Separated by a sea, two shores,
the clans of Vercingetorix, the Brenner
Pass, the boot of Italy
from just below the knee to halfway
down the calf, we nix them all
by phone.
Our voices kiss.
Who cares if the Atlantic bashes
Maine, Land’s End, or Normandy?
We leapfrog hemispheres the way
the mind cavorts through God-knows-what
millenia, what dynasties, what
samples of our kind from
australopithecus to Charlie Chaplin.
The body’s place?
Cross latitude
by longitude, and it is there.
The body’s age?
Count up
from birth or back from death,
and it is there.
But words?
We launch them out like vows against the wind.
Creating what we are,
they wing through seas and continents
and make us more than elegies
to yesterday.
Forget the cost.
Talk louder and ignore the static.
Pretend we’re walking through the dark.
Don’t stop.
Don’t stop or look
behind you.
As long as you
keep talking, I can find you.

Topography – Sharon Olds

After we flew across the country we
got in bed, laid our bodies
delicately together, like maps laid
face to face, East to West, my
San Francisco against your New York, your
Fire Island against my Sonoma, my
New Orleans deep in your Texas, your Idaho
bright on my Great Lakes, my Kansas
burning against your Kansas your Kansas
burning against my Kansas, your Eastern
Standard Time pressing into my
Pacific Time, my Mountain Time
beating against your Central Time, your
sun rising swiftly from the right my
sunn rising swiftly from the left your
moon rising slowly from the left my
moon rising slowly from the right until
all four bodies of the sky
burn above us, sealing us together,
all our cities twin cities
all our states united, one
nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Forbidden Fruit – Michael Lally

all the forbidden fruit I ever
dreamt of–or was taught to
resist and fear–ripens and
blossoms under the palms of my
hands as they uncover and explore
you–and in the most secret
corners of my heart as it discovers
and adores you–the forbidden fruit
of forgiveness–the forbidden fruit
of finally feeling the happiness
you were afraid you didn’t deserve–
the forbidden fruit of my life’s labor
–the just payment I have avoided
since my father taught me how–
the forbidden fruit of the secret
language of our survivors’ souls as
they unfold each others secret
ballots–the ones where we voted
for our first secret desires to come
true–there’s so much more
I want to say to you–but for
the first time in my life I’m at
a loss for words–because
(I understand at last)
I don’t need them
to be heard by you.

Love Rode 1500 Miles — Judy Grahn

Love rode 1500 miles on a grey
hound bus & climbed in my window
one night to surprise
both of us.
the pleasure of that sleepy
shock has lasted a decade
now or more because she is
always still doing it and I am
always still pleased. I do indeed like
aggressive women
who come half a continent
just for me; I am not saying that patience
is virtuous, Love
like anybody else, comes to those who
wait actively
and leave their windows open.

 
That should hold you for a while.

Things have started getting *awkward* with a good friend of mine, and I need advice on how to handle it. He’s this really quirky guy – I met him through my boyfriend – and since we all have a silly sense of humour we enjoy having a laugh (usually with a good dose of toilet humour). 

In the past couple of months, though, he’s being getting more extreme in what he finds funny and getting into some really gross stuff. I think this is partly because he hooked up with a girl who is the same way, and they spend a lot of their time together visiting the kinds of websites that are deliberately designed to make you gag (disclaimer: it gets a bit more specific further down, you’ve been warned!). He doesn’t get off on this stuff sexually, he just finds something really hilarious about it and I think he takes pride in locating the most disgusting things ever created by man.

The thing is, now every time we go out, and there’s a computer around, he’ll take the opportunity to pull this stuff up and make everyone watch it. I can handle a fart joke here and there, but this is way beyond that. He’s made us watch an explicit anal sex video, shown us fetish-y photos of women who are “on the rag”, and played a video of people putting eels in places that eels should *not* go. He does this even though the rest of us (there are usually others around, including my b/f) are clearly not into it. But whenever we tell him to cut it out, he gets really pissy and goes into a “why are you guys so lame” rant. I know that he keeps trying it with us because he really wants us to share in his grotesque new interest, and when we don’t he perceives that as us rejecting him. I have no problem with his new “hobby”, but he pushes it on others and doesn’t get the hints to stop. Last time, it got to the point w here I had to tell him very sternly to cut it out and his feelings got hurt. (He’s a real oddball so he’s very sensitive to not fitting in.)

I need a way to shut him down when he tries to pull this bizarro business, while also not being too harsh or making him feel like there’s something wrong with HIM. A script or some ideas would really help. 

Thanks,

-Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out:

Thank you for this timely opportunity to review the Geek Social Fallacies. Your friend is a strong #1 and #2 carrier.

Social skills can be learned, and here is an opportunity for your friend to learn an important lesson:

When you are super-enthusiastic about a new off-color hobby and force it on everyone around you and will talk about nothing else and totally ignore others’ communicated lack of interest and openly expressed revulsion…

The reason you don’t fit in is you. People aren’t being terrible and unfair by excluding and telling you to stop. You are being an ass, you are making a choice to continue behaving like an ass, and the group is correctly letting you know that you should stop it if you want to remain a part of it.

In the moment, when this is going on, it’s okay to groan and tell him to cut it short the next time he pulls out a computer. It’s okay to say “Really? Again?” or “Shut it down” or “I really don’t want to watch this” without qualification or apology, and if he won’t, I think it’s okay for you to get up and walk out of the room. I think it’s okay for everyone to walk out of the room, and to make a group decision not to give him any more attention when he pulls out his terrible party trick. He needs your attention for it to be fun, so by removing it you take the fun away. If you worry that you are somehow the one making it awkward, remember: He is getting off on your discomfort and horror at the images. He is enjoying making people uncomfortable. It’s fun for him.

And then, later, or before the next party, I think it’s a good idea to pull him aside and talk to him. “Dude, we like you, but if you keep pulling that shit, we will not invite you to parties anymore.” Or “I don’t know how to make it more clear – I’m not down with your new hobby of grossing people out. Please stop doing that around me, it makes me not want to hang out with you.” That doesn’t have to be a friendship ending conversation, if it’s one friend saying to another, whoa, you are out of line, please stop it so that we can keep hanging out. That is being straightforward and clear, and is giving him every opportunity to do the right thing. If he ignores it and keeps going, he is making a choice about how to behave.

And if he gets hurt and feels like he doesn’t fit in and that everyone is excluding him, it’s not your job to comfort him and say that everything is cool. It’s not cool. Sometimes shame and negative feelings and the harsh but honest words of your friends are there to teach you stuff, like how to stop acting like a jackass.

If you say “I hate it when you do that specific gross thing, please stop it” and someone says “But poor me I don’t fit in anywhere and am always excluded, why are you being so mean?” they are being manipulative. They are deflecting the conversation away from their own actions and a need to take any responsibility for them, and trying to get you to comfort them when really they are the ones who screwed up and you are the one being direct and cool by using your words. If you end up in a conversation like this, it can be maddening because the target is always moving. If you run into that tactic, I suggest ignoring the derail and bringing focus back to the behavior. “Okay, we can talk about your feelings later, but right now I need you to apologize for the behavior and reassure me that I won’t have to deal with it again. Until that happens, we can’t really deal with anything else. So, can I trust you to be cool?”

Consensual trolling between friends can be hilarious and fun, like when my friend Z. and I send each other Sex Kryptonite songs or links to (Warning! While hilariously curated and written, the following link contains things you will not be able to ever un-see and I do not recommend actually clicking it!) Scary Sex Toy Friday. That’s because everyone is in on the joke. It only works if you listen and have respect, which are big parts of that whole “fitting in” thing your friend needs to work on.

Dear Captain Awkward:

I’m woman in my late 30s who uses a power wheelchair due to a medical condition that causes severe physical fatigue.

Often, strangers – retail staff, waitstaff, members of the general public – assume that because I use a power wheelchair, I have an intellectual disability. I don’t. I have a university degree and I read widely.

How should I respond to people:

- talking loudly to me;
- talking to me in a sing-song voice;
- being condescending/patronizing;
- calling me love/sweetie;
- telling me that I remind them of their 12 year old daughter with Down syndrome;
- praising me for putting rubbish in a rubbish bin as though I’ve won a gold medal at the Olympics;
- telling me that you eat cupcakes?

Signed,

Smart Crip Girl

Dear Smarty,

Ugh. Even if you had intellectual disabilities, the behaviors you describe would be creepy and condescending.

For people who talk loudly, try:

“Why are you talking so loud? It’s weird.”

“Holy shit, that’s loud.”

“You’re talking really loud.”

For people who use the sing-song voice:

“Why are you using that sing-song voice? It’s weird.”

“Did you mean to sing me your answer like a little song? Because that just totally happened.”

For people who call you love/sweetie:

“My name is ______ for people who know me, and ma’am for people who don’t. Let’s go with ma’am for now.”

For people who tell you you remind them of their 12-year-old daughter with Downs syndrome:

“Cool, is she also into (a thing you’re into)?”

I realize they are doing it to insult you and don’t mean it nicely, which is such an extra layer of gross that I highly suggest that you turn it around on them.

For people who praise you for doing basic stuff like throwing trash away and also for people who are generally condescending:

“Wow, that’s pretty condescending.”

For people who tell you about how they eat cupcakes:

“There are cupcakes?” (If you like cupcakes)

What you’re going for:

• Tone: Flat, on a scale between coolly reasonable and Fuck You.
• Response: Short.
• Apologies & explanations given: Zero.
• Fucks given: Zero.

To keep in your back pocket:

• “Wow.”
• “Did you really just say that?”
• “Awkward.”
• “Fuck you.” Especially if they ask you how your junk works. Which is a thing that happens.

Sometimes if you do this, you will get the dubious joy of having people apologize at length, explain and overexplain what they meant, and if you’re really lucky, have a complete shamesplanation spiral in front of you. I suggest waiting it out and then coolly making your point as if none of that matters. “Sure. Can you bring me a grande iced two-pump soy vanilla latte please? Thanks.” You don’t have to engage with their shame or comfort them for their fuck-up, that’s their own work to do.

I’m sure the commenters will be happy to join us for today’s performance of Snappy Comeback Theater.

All of the blogs, books, podcasts, Nightline specials, panels, interviews, features, shows, oral histories, news stories, and web series devoted to this topic have the same underlying theme: Helping people get into and stay in relationships. 

This is understandable. Being in a healthy and happy romantic relationship is something desired by most people—mankind’s existence is somewhat dependent on it and shit—so it makes sense that we’d devote a ton of resources to help make that happen.

But, maybe we’re going at it backwards. Maybe all this talk about relationships has helped to cultivate a condition where people eschew all common sense to achieve this elusive goal. Maybe instead of putting the focus on getting people into relationships, we should be more concerned with getting people out of them. Maybe instead of thinking of a break up as the worst thing that can happen to a person, we should start to recognize the beauty in them.

Yes, the beauty. The beauty in recognizing that certain fundamental incompatibilities are never going to change. The beauty in being willing to free yourself from some contrived commitment to get a return on an investment that you know will never be recovered. The beauty in not having to make excuses to yourself and everyone else when asked why you stay if you’re so unhappy. The beauty in enjoying singledom and not allowing external factors to pressure you into doing something you’re just not ready to do yet. The beauty in the hundreds of thousands of people back on the open market after freeing themselves from non-starter relationships; people who may actually be perfectly compatible with someone who’s currently single, but will never know as long as they stay in shitty situations. The beauty of taking time “off” to legitimately work on yourself. The beauty in saying “No” and continuing to say “No” until you’re completely ready to say “Yes.” The beauty in shifting our focus from getting people into relationships to convincing them to leave and stay out of shitty ones. – Damon Young, aka, The Champ.

Breaking up is hard to do, and can be really fraught and sad when you’re in the middle of one. But not even close to all relationships should last “until death do us part” (even if you once wore your fanciest clothes and promised that very hard in front of everyone you know). In this spirit, here is today’s question.

Dear Captain Awkward:

I have a question about relationships, specifically how you should decide when to call it quits when you don’t trust your own judgment.

A bit of background, I’ve suffered on and off with depression and anxiety for the last few years. This was undoubtedly aggravated by my relationship with my ex (a Darth Vader boyfriend if ever there was one). Thanks in part to reading this site and partly to my recently-improved mental state I ended that relationship at the start of this year. I don’t regret it, but with distance comes increased awareness of how messed up the whole thing was and that brings to me to my current problem.

About a month after I became single I started seeing a new guy. He asked me out, we went on a few dates, fun was had and after a while we started referring to each other as “boyfriend and girlfriend”. On the surface everything looks fine but I’m not happy. I’m very insecure and I really cannot read him at all. The whole relationship has been marred by my paranoia that he is losing interest. I am pretty sure this is not actually the case (he initiates dates etc) but I also think his idea of a relationship and mine don’t really match up. We see each other a few times a week and have sex maybe once a week. I really like him and want to spend time with him whenever I can but if I suggest spending more time together he is often busy and I feel disproportionally rejected. It doesn’t help that my depression is acting up and I often feel very sad and lonely. Initially I thought I would feel more secure with time and that I should just relax and let things take their own course but this isn’t working.

I know the person I should be talking too about all this is him, but I am pretty much convinced that that conversation can only end in break-up. I suspect if he wanted to see more of me he would and feeling like being clingy or demanding will only make me more paranoid. Thus I have reached the stage where simply breaking up with him feels less scary than trying to fix things. My jerkbrain however, sees losing this lovely guy as my punishment for being so messed up. I am worried my fear of getting hurt is making me create this whole situation. How do you know when you’re self-sabotaging and, more importantly, how do you stop?

Sincerely,
Tired of feeling sad

Dear Tired:

There is a lot to unpick here.

Here is:

A Giant List of Thoughts & Questions I Had About Your Question That May Or May Not Contain Actual Advice

1) Are you treating your depression/anxiety stuff? Do you have a good support system in place for dealing with that? If you have a counselor, that person can be a good sounding board for your relationship anxieties and help give you perspective when it’s not sure if it’s you or the jerkbrain talking. If you are having a resurgence of bad brain times, my first recommendation is that you reach out and put mental health support in place for yourself.

2) You say that when your boyfriend does stuff without you, you feel extremely lonely and rejected. This is a pretty big “eeek!” thing, so I am glad you recognize it as disproportionate. Sometimes when I don’t trust my own perceptions can’t tell if I’m reacting or overreacting, I imagine the roles reversed. Would I expect the other person to be upset if I did the same thing to them?

For example:

Your boyfriend: “Can you come over tonight after work?”

You: “Aw man, I’d love to, but my friends are getting together for dinner. I’ll still see you Saturday, though!”

Your boyfriend: TEN THOUSAND SADS! I AM REJECTED!

You: ????

Your sad lonely feelings? Totally real and legit, and it’s pretty pointless to argue with them. However, you are correct that framing of this as Couple Time = GOOD and Boyfriend Doing Other Stuff = REJECTION! is problematic and will not go over well.

3) So, when your boyfriend goes off to do other stuff, how do you pass that time?

If that feels like a really unfortunate and mean question, because you are lonely and depressed and don’t really have the energy to do stuff and aren’t I picking on you by asking, I think we’ve identified a significant part of the problem. More importantly, we’ve identified a place where effort spent will do some lasting good. You can’t really sad someone into hanging out with you more. If you don’t feel like “enough”, me writing you the perfect script that convinces him to be around you 24/7/365 won’t ever be enough. If you’ve got stuff going on, my suggestion is: Awesome. Do that stuff.  If you don’t, and that disconnection and feeling of too much time on your hands is contributing to your loneliness, then I suggest that you make a list of stuff you can do when you have the night to yourself. Such as:

1. Call or Skype an old friend and catch up.
2. Go to the movies.
3. Go to the library.
4. Sew all stray buttons onto shirts & coats what lost them.
5. Find a meetup, social or cultural event and go to it. Theater season subscription? Free night at the museum? Board games night at the pub?
6. Does Boyfriend have a standing commitment on a certain night of the week? Sounds like a really good night for you to find a volunteer gig or take  a class.

Whenever you feel yourself start to get in a bad headspace about him being gone, add something to the list, or better yet, do something from the list. In the beginning it might feel silly, but over time it will take on its own momentum and be a reminder that you have lots of options about how you spend your time. You are enough.

4) Does your boyfriend know about your depression and anxiety?

Because, ok. It sounds like you got together during an upswing, and that you didn’t necessarily dig too far into deeper topics before you decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and there is this feeling I get from your letter that you feel like have to hide this part of yourself from him or risk appearing “clingy.” This is a trap, which means that your relationship can only exist if you pretend that you are okay when you aren’t okay. So of course you can’t feel secure. And you’re spending a lot of energy being okay when he’s around, and then collapsing when he’s gone. So of course you feel emotionally exhausted. Performing is hard.

My actual cat sleeping on my actual head.

And there’s a paradox here, because yeah, I just got done saying that you can’t sad your way into someone’s heart. And you can’t. And you shouldn’t try. “When you are here, I am okay, and when you are not here, I am not okay” is not actually a romantic sentiment and is too much for one person to carry. That’s pretty much how my cat feels about me, to the point where if I go to the bathroom and shut the door, the entire time I see tiny paws come under the door. JENNYFUR? ATTENSHUN? FOODZ? WARMS? It sounds cute, but I think she thinks her name is “Catgetoff” or “Catnotnow” or “Catgoaway”, as we have vastly different attachment styles.

I also feel like you guys got together without having talks about how you wanted the relationship to work. You’re both playing what you see as Good Boyfriend and Good Girlfriend roles, with a side of Is This Normal? Seems Like It Is! and as long as everyone’s having fun it works because you are both kind and lovely people and you both know the script. But when it doesn’t work (and if it’s not working because you are sad and anxious all the time, it’s not working) you don’t have that knowledge of each other, intimacy, and trust to fall back on to figure out another way.You didn’t break those words “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” down and figure out what they really mean. The good news is even if you kind of accidented into a way of being together, you get to renegotiate how things go. You get to make it up, to change your mind, to decide what you want and ask your partner for it. That doesn’t mean you are ruining everything.

A brief paradox review:

a) You have a ton of your own shit to work on right now, I think. And if being in a relationship is adding more unhappiness and anxiety to your life, breaking up might give you some clarity and redirect your energy in some positive ways.

b) However, you don’t have to perfect yourself – to magically become un-depressed, non-anxious, and  manufacture a life where you feel totally and 100% secure at all times –  before you deserve love.

c) Your jerkbrain could be totally over-exaggerating your emotional responses to innocuous stuff and making you paranoid.

d) Controlling for the jerkbrain, you may be correct that the two of you have separate and incompatible relationship styles and this thing is not viable over the long term. Your brain is actually being really smart and protecting you from making yourself vulnerable to someone who isn’t worth it.

e) It’s possible that you will tell him what’s really up with you and he will decide that it’s too much for him to handle. That would be very hurtful and sad. But that is his right to decide, and it is important information about whether he would be a good person to have on your side when you try to deal with hard things.

f) It’s possible that you will tell him what’s really up with you and he will decide, “Ok. I love you, so let’s deal with it.”

Only you can navigate this list and decide or find out what is true and right for you.

In your letter there is a lot of guilt  there is this overwhelming sense that this nice boyfriend (in contrast to your last partner) is something you can deserve or stop deserving. You say that losing him would be a “punishment for being so messed up.” This is your jerkbrain talking, the one that sees “Boyfriend went to play tennis today instead of brunch with me” as “He will probably leave me.”

Being single isn’t a punishment for not being a good or together enough person. I know entire industries are devoted to convincing all of us that this is true so that we’ll buy stuff, but it’s just not true.

And love is something you can try to be worthy of, but it’s not something that you can achieve or truly deserve. It’s given freely or not at all.

It seems like there are some conversations to be had with your boyfriend.

The easier conversation is one about the day-to-day mechanics of your relationship. It starts like this:

“Hey, I really like you and how this is going. Do you think we could find a way to spend one more night/week together? That would really make me happy.”

(Listen)

“Since we’re talking, is there anything we could do that would make things work better for you? Sometimes when things are really good it’s tempting not to mess with them too much, but I’d like us to be able to check in from time to time and not just assume.“

There’s always the strategy of asking for the best-case scenario. “How are things working? Good? Cool. In a perfect world where everything is going the way you want it, how would this work?“

The more vulnerable but really important conversation is “Hey, not sure if you knew this, but I have some issues with anxiety and depression that are flaring up right now. This is what it looks and feels like. This is what you can do to help. This is what I am going to do about it for myself.“

Don’t cross the streams.

The best advice I can give you is to separate these into two distinct conversations. Conversation #1 is about how your relationship should work and what you want and need. You would need to have it if you were 100% mentally ok and not having any of the paranoid or anxious feelings you are having right now. “How much time should we spend together and how should that work so everyone is happy” is a thing that every couple has to negotiate and you are not messed up or weird for wanting to have it. Keep your expectations and what you ask for reasonable. If you’re seeing each other a couple of times every week, one more day or night probably isn’t unreasonable. “When you make other plans I feel sad and lonely, so, you need to be around more” risks being extremely unreasonable. Not because your feelings aren’t real, but because if he gave into them it would have the effect of isolating him socially and cutting him off from parts of his life he enjoys. He would feel resentful and manipulated, and your overall sadness would not be fixed because it’s not his TO fix.

Conversation #2 is about trusting him and letting him into who you are. It’s possible to have mental health issues and still be in a good, healthy, solid relationship. I have depression. My boyfriend is bipolar. We have the usual collection of Late Capitalism stressors and “oh shit we’re about to turn 40 and haven’t fully figured out money/artistic expression/whether to make small people” existential crises. Being in a good relationship doesn’t magically solve the rest of everything, but I know it’s a good relationship partly because when I’m struggling or feeling sad I can say so and I don’t get ridiculed or abandoned. The way we found out that we had that kind of relationship was to share some vulnerable stuff about our histories and see how the other person reacted. We both reacted in a non-scary, non-dismissive way and worked hard to make the other person feel safe and like they could be honest. Which made us safe to share a little more, and a little more, until we really got to know each other. To quote an old “How do I feelings?” post:

By saying it out loud*, you do take a risk. You risk that people will laugh at you, or not be on board. You risk that this person right in front of you will not be on Team You while you go after the things you want. You risk pain and disappointment.

By NOT saying it loud, you also risk never, ever getting what you want. Not because some evil nemesis put their evil boot down on your neck and stood in your way, but because you stayed silent, the people around you never knew what you wanted, and you never gave them a chance to actually be on your side or walk away from your side. And then time happened. Your silence + time + fear came in and stole your dreams from you, and then it was too late.

Every good thing that ever happens to us because someone said “Yes, let’s try it.” There is no love without courage, so be of good courage. Take your faults and walk into Camazotz. Take your passion and make it happen. Say “I really care about you and want you to stay in my life” to your boyfriend, and see what happens.

If this guy is lovely and you think you can trust him, be brave. Put it out there. If you don’t think you can, and you think it just isn’t right, it’s okay to break up. Regrets, schmegrets. There’s no law that you have to drill down and try everything to save your relationship – I’m not in this for some idea of The Relationship, I’m in this for YOU. And I can tell you that breaking up is not the worst thing in the world, not by a long shot. You ended your last relationship. You coped, and ultimately you were better off. If this thing has to end, the same good qualities that drew this lovely person to your orbit would still be in you. It’s not a failure. It’s not a punishment. It’s not a statement of your destiny. It’s not a manifestation of who you are. It’s flawed, wonderful You and flawed, wonderful Someone Else not quite matching up and one or both of you deciding to take your chances elsewhere. When I see my friends who are deeply and happily in love with their partners, I’m glad that they didn’t stay with 2-partners-ago. I’m really glad I didn’t stay with 2-partners-ago. I’m glad my happily single friends didn’t stay with last partner, or 2-partners-ago. Some people find True Amazing Love the first time around, and I’m glad for them! But as the song goes:

“No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again“

In the comments, everyone is welcome, but I’d particularly like to hear from:

1. People in mostly happy relationships where at least one partner has anxiety. How do you guys deal with the ups and downs? How do you guys sort out whether a relationship issue is the anxiety talking?

2. People who ended relationships with perfectly good people for reasons of “Meh, it just wasn’t working out.”  This isn’t the thread for stories of abuse, assault, gross behavior & extreme incompatibility. We have many of those threads! We rock those threads! What I am looking for is “Nobody mistreated anyone, but this is how I knew that it was not what I wanted.”

Now, today’s letter:

Hi there, CA!

I’ve been getting a lot of feedback lately, from people I trust, that I’m a Chaos Muppet. I’m one of those people who weird things happen to: Things break when I’m around, weird accidents happen, things are lost.

I’m using the passive voice because, when I analyze how things went wrong, I realize that I didn’t *overtly* break that thing, or cause the accident or lose someone’s this-or-that. But because people see me as chaotic, I tend to get blamed first and apologized to later. The other day, I was making soup by blending it in a friend’s Cuisinart. I overfilled the container, water leaked out and dripped through the stove top into the stove below, shorting out a beloved vintage oven. It was totally an accident, but I do stuff like this!

I need to change this dynamic. How can I be more responsible? How can I stop this swirl of chaotic weirdness around me? My friend, whose oven I have probably ruined, said he thought I make these things happen unconsciously, to cause drama. How can I know if this is true?

I need a place to start. My work life has always been great, and my finances/living situation are in good order. It’s just in my personal life…shit happens to me and I want it to stop.

Signed,

Clumsy Lover

Dear Clumsy Lover,

I’ve been sitting on your letter for a while, waiting for the right metaphor to come to me. Then I mainlined a ton of Call The Midwife on Netflix, and she arrived.

I love this fictional woman.

Meet Chummy!

She is wicked clumsy, and extremely uncomfortable in her own body, and sort of sows chaos wherever she goes without meaning to. When we first meet her, her self-consciousness is so great, and she is so worried about screwing up and on edge all the time that she does actually break things and cause accidents.

But [MILD SPOILERS]

…once she comes into her own a little bit, and, very importantly, surrounds herself with people who see her good qualities and validate them, she relaxes. Later in the series you meet her hypercritical mom and see immediately exactly where she got her un-confidence. By then you are so in love with her wicked sense of humor and compassionate & competent way she practices midwifery that you can’t even remember the clumsy person she was.

[/END SPOILERS]

I am a clumsy sort myself, and never so much as when I am around my constantly “optimizing” and “correcting” dad. That dude will stand over me as I load the dishwasher, critiquing the placement of every fork and dish. On my recent trip to see my folks, he freaked out when I microwaved something for 15 seconds longer than he would have (we’re talking: veins popping out in forehead and spitting when yelling here). He called me stupid for not being able to immediately find utensils in a rental kitchen where I don’t live, because apparently the effort used in opening several drawers to find a paring knife was totally wasted. OMG I WASTED DRAWER-OPENING EFFORT. Other things that needed to be “optimized”:

• Which coat I wore – did I really need a coat? Did it need to be that coat? Would that coat be slightly too warm? WE MUST BE EFFICIENT ABOUT OUR COAT SELECTION AT ALL TIMES. IT IS NOT LIKE WE CAN JUST CARRY COATS THAT ARE TOO WARM IF THE WEATHER WARMS UP, PEOPLE.
• Did I want to sit in that seat in the minivan? Wouldn’t this seat be more comfortable?
• Did I need a light on while I worked? No? Howabout this one? Howabout this one? Howabout maybe just a little light?
• At one point the dude took my toast out of the toaster where it was toasting and re-arranged it to the “correct” toasting position.

Throughout the visit, my dad treated me like someone who could not be trusted to select my own coat and make toast. And over the four days, though I did stand up for myself and not just take it, I deteriorated into feeling crazy and needed to call my boyfriend for a reminder that I was not. I am a calm, organized traveler with many passport stamps, but flying back I was double- and triple-checking every single detail – Is that really my gate? Is my flight leaving on time? Did I remember my ID? I know I showed my ID to the check-in person, but did I maybe lose it between there and security? Where were my house keys? Did I have them FOR SURE? I was so on edge that I became clumsy and unable to think clearly and unable to trust myself. In the past, I sometimes dreaded visits home so much that I would become very accident-prone – tripping and falling, forgetful, dropping things, having trouble focusing on driving or loading change into a vending machine – in the weeks before. My “role” in my family from growing up is to be the girl who is really book-smart but completely lacks any life skills or common sense and who can’t be trusted to make toast, which is why I moved very far away and have a 3-4 day maximum on visits. It took a lot of therapy for me to stop seeing the constant criticizing and correcting behaviors that freak me out when I’m home as totally normal and totally all my fault. It turns out that when I am far away from my folks, I am perfectly capable of toast making, utensil-finding, and jacket selection and have little cause to question these abilities.

So, while there are many reasons stuff might be happening to you, one thing I suggest is to take the temperature of your relationship with these friends and your own comfort level around them. If they are watching you with the expectation that  you will fail at things and using you as the scapegoat for why things get lost or broken, if they spend time looking for examples of how you are a “chaos muppet,” it can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophecy and very difficult for you to change that story. You say this yourself in your letter: “But because people see me as chaotic, I tend to get blamed first and apologized to later.”

Let’s take the case of the oven. You made a simple mistake that turned into some serious damage to a friend’s stuff. At that point, the right thing to do is to apologize and then ask what you can do. Can you help him find a repair person? Can you offer to pay for some of the repairs? Can you make a genuine effort to be more careful in the future?

Once you’ve offered an apology, made amends, and made an effort not to repeat the same mistake in the future, that’s all you can do.

Crap gets spilled on stove-tops all the time. An unwatched pot boils over. Counter space is limited so we use the stove top as additional counterspace (I do this ALL the time). Quantities are misjudged. A shaky hand slips when pouring the hot water into the tea-kettle. The mistake you made with the Cuisinart and the liquid could have been made by anyone, especially and including the oven’s owner. Yes, it sucks to feel like your friends are careless with your nice things or to have something precious ruined, but if this friend tries to make things about How You Are As A Person vs. a simple mistake, I would say to your friend what I wish I had said to my dad, namely:

“The damage to the stove might be able to be fixed, and I will do all in my power to see that it is repaired. The way you are speaking to me now is damaging our relationship, and that might not be so fixable.”

Because the suggestion that you subconsciously cause these disasters in order to cause drama is, frankly, dangerously close to gaslighting.

I mean, I believe you that enough chaotic stuff is happening that it’s freaking you out, but I also think that a good friend doesn’t make it about blaming you. They say “Friend, you seem really distracted and off your game. What’s going on with you? Are you ok?“

You don’t have to be anyone’s Private Pyle.

When someone makes you feel like a continual fuck-up, you act like a continual fuckup, because you are so tense and worried and uncomfortable. Luck is not with you in their houses. Your mojo doesn’t work around them. You say yourself – Your work life is great. Your finances are great. You are a perfectly capable person in many areas of your life. So what is it about these particular folks & spaces that are not great? I don’t think it’s necessarily you, or your subconscious. I think it’s that you have friends who have somehow decided that it’s your role to be a scapegoat among them.

So, yeah, my first suggestion is that you look at your overall relationship with these people. When did this story about you as the Chaotic One start? How do you feel when you hang out with them? Do you look forward to it or does some part of you dread it? Trust the dread, Clumsy Lover; it might be telling you something. It might help you to log “chaotic” events and your & other people’s reactions to them in a journal. How were you feeling when it happened? How did people react? What patterns exist? How often is this really happening? How often is it happening when you had nothing to do with what actually happened? Do they seem really invested in telling this story about you?

In my family, my younger brother* (who has a lot of developmental delays and probable mild fetal alcohol syndrome from his birth mom), lived 100%  in the scapegoat role, so one of the ways we used to insult each other was to describe a fuckup as “Pulling a (His Name).” Nowadays I think it is pretty seriously wrong and abusive to use a family member’s name as a casual synonym for being a total disaster (Thank you, therapy!), though I think it is a depressingly common pattern in dysfunctional relationships and a depressingly easy habit to get into if one person is the designated Private Pyle and you’re sufficiently terrified of being treated the way that person is. It’s common enough that I must ask: Do your friends describe it as “Pulling a You” when they lose something or do something clumsy? If so, you might have a Surrounded by Assholes problem.

My second suggestion is to start resisting the stories where you star as the Seed of Chaos. I am stealing this from an old comment thread on abusive behaviors, but try adding “you think” silently in your head whenever one of these friends implies there is something wrong with you. After a while doing that, start speaking up. “I am really sorry you lost your keys, but I don’t think that the inherent darkness of my soul was the cause – it’s actually getting pretty unfunny when you guys suggest there is something deeply wrong with me.”

The third thing I suggest is some self-care.

a) Go to the doctor and get a check up, and especially take a look at emotional health. Tell your doc what’s going on and how you feel about it. Increased clumsiness/forgetfulness/inattentiveness might be a symptom of something else going on. We don’t diagnose conditions through the internet here, but I’m sure a lot of readers with ADHD or other executive processing issues are reading your letter and nodding at the familiarity of what you describe. I’ll allow discussion of those things here as long as they are describing the commenter’s own experiences and steps taken. “When I found out I had (condition), it was because of x, y, and z events, and this is what I did about it” = okay. Encouraged, even! “It sounds like you might have (condition), so you should ______” = 100% Not Okay.

It’s not actually a rule that you have to have your shit 100% together in order to be loved or valued by your friends.

b) Look at your stress levels. Are you eating enough, sleeping enough, getting enough fresh air/contact with people you like/down time to read and watch TV? When we’re overloaded, we rush or try to do too many things at once, and rushing turns to mistakes. Stress, PTSD, and being overwhelmed or exhausted can push us into dissociative states where it is actually unsafe for us to do things like drive, operate heavy machinery, knives, or anything involving precision. So some of your self-care might be paying more attention to your moods and bodily needs, and checking in with yourself before you do something complex and making sure you can concentrate on every part of it.

c) Do what you can to practice mindfulness. Even if you only do it a few times a day at first, try slowing WAY down and concentrating on every detail and step of what you are doing. Each footfall on pavement. Your breathing in and out. Washing & drying each dish.

d) Reach out to people you like who make you feel great & comfortable, and avoid people who make you feel brittle and clumsy. Even if your friends are genuinely expressing concern and not gaslighting you and you really like them, some people just bring out the worst in you or aren’t good at being on your side when you’re in a bad way. Knowing that “I’m in x headspace, so I shouldn’t really be around y person (or activity – like drinking, or, participating in a welding montage to turn an ordinary car into a tank so that you can help the helpless while hiding out from a corrupt government that smeared your name back in ‘Nam)” is part of self-care.

Readers, what do you do to regain focus and turn things around when you feel chaos bubbling all around you? What would you say to the Letter Writer’s friends if you were in their position of being called a “chaos muppet”?

*He moved far away, too, and is (mostly) ok.

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Thanks for participating, and let me know how you like the movies.

About a year and a half ago I had my primary outbreak of genital herpes. It was excruciating, both physically and emotionally, but I’m finally starting to pick up the pieces and feel like myself again. I’m starting to feel like I maybe want to date again, finally (yay), but I’d like to be prepared for the inevitable awkwardness of telling a hypothetical partner about the herpes. It’s an awkward enough conversation to have when you don’t have anything communicable. Herpes isn’t the biggest deal as far as STIs go, but it isn’t kittens and rainbows, either. Being honest has always been important to me, but it’s even more important to me now since the person I got it from wasn’t– between telling me he’d been tested, that he’d tested negative over six months after my outbreak, and that he’d show me his test results, there was certainly a lie. Herpes doesn’t happen spontaneously, and his test results never materialized. So I really, REALLY want to be open and honest about it.

I’m not really super into PIV sex, but I really like to cuddle, and sloppy, sexy makeouts are fun! And low-risk, if pants stay on, which I kind of want them to until I’m sure that the person I’m making out with is someone I can really trust and connect with. I’d really like to be able to bring up the conversation waaaay ahead of time, and to maybe talk about the kinds of things I do and don’t want to do, and how to manage the herpes and be safe and really, to give the other person a chance to really decide about whether they want to have fun sexy times with me. I know this sort of thing probably just takes practice and will always probably be awkward, but do you have any ideas about how to have that conversation? Any advice for minimizing stammering and embarrassment during it?

In herpitude,
Dental Dams Are Your Friends

Hi Dental Dams. This is Elodie Under Glass here. I am so sorry that this happened to you, and so happy that you are getting better.

I am really glad that you wrote in. You sound like you’ve already got your feelings well in order, which I admire. And you’ve opened up a great new topic to tackle: STDs.

When the good Captain offered me the chance to answer your question, I was initially super-excited because it’s a really, really good question – but also pretty nervous, because immediately I was like “I am unqualified to answer this question, for I have rarely negotiated sexytimes/STDs with strange men!”  followed by realizing that this question, like all questions, runs far deeper than that.

Dental Dams, I’m going to assume that you have already sorted through your immediate legal, medical and psychological implications. If not, there is useful and possibly helpful information out there. I am so glad to hear that you are putting yourself back together; you are strong and amazing and brave and wonderful, and I hope that you know you don’t have to do it entirely alone.

So I’d like to answer your question by talking about the many problems with how we, as members of our societies and our cultures, talk about STDs. Being aware of them, and how they are making you feel, may “minimize stammering and embarrassment” when you talk about them. The first thing to realize is that “stammering and embarrassment” are not inherently terrible things! They are your feelings and reactions. You’re allowed to have them and use them – you don’t lose points for stammering/blushing/feeling awkward during awkward situations. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or immature. It just means that you blush when under stress. We will try to minimize the stress for you, but we do not need to change your speech or your skin to make you better. You’re already doing pretty well.

Anyway: you have a herpes infection! Most people do in one form or another, but this one is yours. The STD conversation with your sex partners will be ongoing – and it will get easier. After you disclose your STD, if you and your partner choose to proceed sexually, you’ll talk about it a lot! After all, both STDs and your partner[s] are parts of your life. Think about how you talk about your sexual needs outside of the STD – for example, a person might not like to have sex while they’re menstruating. If you menstruate, in this example, you probably feel quite comfortable communicating it to your partner. You may smooth this communication by marking dates on a calendar, or by mentioning that you’ve scheduled a pill break for next week, or by shouting “GUESS WHO ISN’T PREGNANT” through the house, or by hanging a special series of semaphore flags over the bed – I don’t know; I don’t know your life. But you will probably manage to communicate times when you won’t be wanting sex in a way that feels comfortable  to  you. Just because you are in a sexual relationship doesn’t mean that you and your partner[s] have unlimited access to everybody’s body parts at every hour of the day. And this doesn’t change when you have a headache, when you are sick, or when you are having an outbreak. It will become a normal (and hopefully infrequent) part of your life to say things like “Sweetie, I noticed a bit of a tingle – could be nothing – but to be safe, can we cuddle and touch tonight?” and “Babes, can you pick up some dental dams and milk?” Within your committed relationships, your STD will be something that you will navigate AROUND, not the iceberg that sinks your ship.

This is normal. Despite what television, magazines and other advice columnists would have you think, this is part of the normal, ongoing communication of couples. We all have times when our bodies are closed for maintenance and repairs. This is because we all have bodies! We all live in our bodies, and our bodies are flawed, and if we aren’t push-button sexdolls, then so what? Whenever we date other people, we are navigating around the needs and wants that come from our heads, hearts, brains, souls, sexyparts and bodies. And these bodies have problems that aren’t always obvious, and which mean that our sexytimes will not be push-button scenarios from the manual, so we talk about them.

We talk about how our knees don’t bend this way or that, how we feel bad with our clothes off, how we need to be touched, how you must never close your fingers around our necks; we talk sheepishly or confidently about genital configurations and mobility aids, we inform our partners about allergies, precautions and protections, about medical histories and abuses and exes and fantasies. We, the people who have sex while owning bodies and histories, have sex while having Crohn’s and Asperger’s and Klinefelter’s, while having celiac and lupus, while being fat, with our survival stories, with our cancer, with our scars. We have sex even if societies don’t think we’re sexy – fat, old, gay, disabled, dirty, sick, poor, unbeautiful, radical, revolutionary, STD-having – we have sex. Years ago my oldest dearest friend and I were discussing her girlfriend, and the dark line of hair that runs down from her navel – called a “Happy Trail” in boys. We called it her Pleasure Highway. Some of us have Pleasure Highways that will frighten off the weak. Our Pleasure Highways take up space. We take up space. Your genital herpes is upsetting and painful, but by God, Dental Dams, we are vast – we contain multitudes – we will find room.

There is space here for a young lady-type with genital herpes who likes sloppy makeouts and cuddling and safe, comfortable PIV. There is room. If you feel that your stress about having this future conversation is coming from shame that you are not the perfect sexual partner that you were raised to be – well, it is time to drop that burden and stand a little taller.

Next, I want to tackle an underlying problem that runs through advice columns when people ask for certain types of scripts. If you read a lot of them (like I do) you begin to notice a pattern. The problem looks like this:

Letter Writer: I need a way to tell my boyfriend that I’m pregnant!

Columnist: Go forth and tell him.

Letter Writer: Yes, but I need him to be really happy about it, can you tell me how to make him do that?

or

Letter Writer: I need to ask out this girl that I like.

Columnist: Go forth and ask her out.

Letter Writer: No, but I need a way to ask her out that eliminates the possibility of her saying “no” to me.

And we have a whole culture in place that supports the underlying problems here. The Fictional Pregnant Letter Writer is operating in a system whereby men need to be tricked or manipulated into caring for their children. The Fictional Dating Letter Writer operates in a system whereby women need to be tricked or manipulated into having sex. The majority is raised to expect and perpetuate these behaviors, and they’re looking for the cheat codes to make other people behave in the way they want.

You and I, Dental Dams, operate in a system where  STDs are perceived as being incredibly shameful. Got chickenpox? That is a cute disease invented so that children can stay home from school and watch Disney movies! Got genital herpes? THAT IS A DISGUSTING WHORE DISEASE INVENTED TO PUNISH WHORES. Chickenpox and genital herpes are caused by the same family of viruses, the Herpesviridae. The only reason that we think of them differently is because we pass judgement on how people get these diseases, and what they “mean” about the person.

Despite this fact, whenever STDs come up in advice columns, they always follow the pattern! The STD Letter Writers generally operate from a position where STDs are so BAD and SINFUL and SHAMEFUL and LIFE-DEFINING that they must  manipulate all future sexual partners into having sex with them ANYWAY – and if they are lady-types with STDs, only saintly partners will ever be able to forgive them for the dreaded taint of being sick while having a sexual history. That’s it, that’s the shame and guilt and embarrassment of having an STD: you’re being sick while having a sexual history. And this, of course, is perceived as the Worst Crime in the World.

Letter Writer: I need a way to tell my partner that I have an STD.

Columnist: Go forth and tell him.

Letter Writer: No, but I need a way to do it where he doesn’t dump me for being sick while having a sexual history.

That’s why I’m so glad that you wrote to Captain Awkward with this question, Dental Dams! Because more mainstream advice writers tend to say things like  this:

(Content Warning for links: Contains Dear Prudence.)

Of course it’s embarrassing to reveal you have herpes.  And letting a prospective partner know this runs the risk of that partner deciding to run in the opposite direction.

NO PRUDIE, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU INFORMED CONSENT AND MATURE RELATIONSHIP. GO BACK IN YOUR CORNER.

and this :

You are not a person to him—you are a vector for the herpes virus[...] But your having herpes is probably great news for your boyfriend because it gives him a built-in excuse to never have sex with you.

PRUDIE, YOU ARE DOING SEX WRONG, I CAN TELL FROM HERE.

Yup, we’ve got a big problem when we talk about STDs. Even our conversations about having The Conversation contain the idea that people – particularly women – with herpes are less attractive/reformable dating prospects than criminals and abusers, and that the herp-er should humble themselves accordingly and pitch the herpes in the sneakiest possible light, lest their potential partner sensibly flee.

Eurgh.

Dental Dams, you are too wise to fall for this kind of advice; please try to ignore it when it comes your way, and if your potential sexual partners show signs of riding this train of thought, be careful. Future readers: do not follow Prudie’s small, rather sad and hurtful ideas of how humans work. But be aware that many of your potential sexual partners are raised with the same narratives – that herpes can be a “dealbreaker,” that people who are nervous or fearful of sex need to be dumped, and that you don’t want to “run the risk” of your partner making their own decisions. If you find yourself having conversations with those sorts of people, you should remember that they are not from our planet, and exit those conversations immediately, perhaps by means of a jet-powered seat, a smoke bomb, a bear, or a strategic use of bees.

This is my trademark party-leaving move.

So we know that there is no way to disclose a genital herpes infection that will magically make your partner consent to having sex with you, and nor should there be. Because that would be abusive.

And I know that you know this, Dental Dams. You are good and sweet and honorable. You are going to take something awful that happened to you (a painful infection without your consent) and turn it around so that good things happen to you (safe, fun, low-stress sex for you and your partner.) What are some ways to do this?

For me, when I’m facing a potentially stressful social interaction, it helps to figure out the outcomes of the other person’s behavior. For example, when you are disclosing a sexually transmitted infection to a potential sexual partner, they will probably have one of three reactions:

1.  deciding not to continue the relationship. Well, that would suck! But it is their choice and they have their reasons. Perhaps they don’t want to be with you because they think you are sex-tainted and they do not want to touch you with their perfect, pure sex-parts. (In which case they are BUTTMUNCHES OF THE FIRST ORDER AND GOOD RIDDANCE.) Perhaps they don’t want to be with you because they have compromised immune systems and must take very good care of themselves.  Perhaps it’s because they don’t know anything about your STD and are afraid of it on an emotive level, where things like sexual protection won’t be able to help with the stress. They will have their personal reasons, which we cannot change, and of which we will probably know nothing.
2.  deciding to continue the relationship, with caveats. Maybe they’re freaked out because we’ve all been raised to believe that people contaminated with herpes viruses are radioactive, and they need to take some time and space, and to do some research, and then they’ll feel comfortable about it. Perhaps they are pregnant and don’t want to put the baby at risk but will be totally up to smooch you after it’s born. Maybe they’ll react badly but will just need to take some time? Who knows! They will have their reasons, of which we will probably know nothing.
3. deciding that it’s totally cool. Maybe they also have an STD, or a herpes virus – lots of people are infected with one kind of herpes or another, whether it manifests as cold sores, shingles, or the beloved mono/glandular fever/kissing disease. Maybe they’re well-educated and well-researched and have good senses of perspective and humor. Some people are like this. They all have reasons.
   

So the Worst Case Scenario of the Herpes Talk is somebody being slightly upset and deciding they don’t want to have PIV with you! For me, it would personally be quite pleasant to go into a social interaction knowing that the Worst Thing That Can Possibly Happen is that someone decides not to have sex with me. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not actually the Worst Thing In The World. It is, in fact, an idea that I can get pretty comfortable with. Knowing that the Worst Outcome is not-too-bad may minimize stammering and embarrassment, or at least make you feel more comfortable with the situation.

Finally, remember that you are a nice good person, and the person you like is probably also nice and good. You will both want what is best for each other, and you will probably make good decisions.

So what are some good ways to crack open that first  awkward conversation? Well, if I was in your position, I would absolutely give the object of my future affections a cuddly plush Herpes Simplex Virus-2 and a pack of dental dams. Then I would say “This is the only time I want to give you herpes.” Then obviously there would be KISSING because of my GREAT WIT.

I would dare anyone not to love me for this.

Alternatively, a hand-knitted or crocheted version of the virus; a cake iced with a picture of the herpes virus; or if I was feeling broke or not that emotionally invested, a cute card. If I was feeling particularly vulnerable, I might figure out what I wanted to say and write it inside the card. In my teenage years, I would have done it with an agonizingly well-composed letter, so that my partner’s bad reaction would happen at a safe distance, and would be tempered by their admiration for my beautiful grammar, but that’s a little FEELINGSBOMB-y for an adult relationship. If I was feeling saucy, I might do it with a gift basket of prophylactics to share and a smile.

Sadly, I am not in a position to spring these terriblawesome ideas on people, so it’s all you, Dental Dams. If you don’t feel like these would work for you, write your own scripts. If you like, we can talk them through in this space. Start with what you have (“I have genital herpes”) and where you are coming from (“I would like you to know this because I would like to have sex with you”). Add in your heart and your needs and what you can offer.

“I have genital herpes, which I manage with medication. There is a very low chance of you contracting it, especially since I will always use protection for PIV. We can do lots of other fun things with no risk at all. Since I would like to have sex with you, I want you to be completely informed. Do you have any questions?”

But a rather good writer/person had another good idea about how to start and when to do it, which was:

“I’d really like to be able to bring up the conversation waaaay ahead of time, and to maybe talk about the kinds of things I do and don’t want to do, and how to manage the herpes and be safe and really, to give the other person a chance to really decide about whether they want to have fun sexy times with me.”

Honestly, Dental Dams, thank you for opening this conversation. It was such a good opportunity to discuss how we talk  about sexual health, and it’s really good to add STD communication to the Awkward Army’s knowledge-pool. (I am sure that some amazing advice will come out of the comments, so do check back.) But I also think that you already have this down; you’re coming at this from a good place, from the best place, and you already know what you’ve got to do. You don’t need us to feed words into your mouth.

You need to go forth, with our blessing.

Be brave.

Be true.

And have good sex.

xx elodie

Captain Awkward,

I have a very, very good friend who has been with me for many years. She’s helped me when I’ve been suicidal (even so far as taking me to the clinic), she shares my nerdy interests and crafting interests, and everything inbetween to be a perfect friend for me.

The problem comes here – her husband. He’s honestly a great guy. Cares for her, means well, and is a genuinely good person. However, he can be very caustic with thoughtless comments. For example;

Example 1
[expressing frustration about an individual who upset many in our group by saying] “C is so fat and ugly” – this friend is half my size, physically… And he says this in my presence – what does that make me?

Example 2
[sitting at a bar and hanging out. I had just gotten done with a successful but unorthodox 6 week diet. He asks me about it, I begin to explain and he spends the next 20 minutes ranting to the bartender why my diet is stupid and how he would know because he's a restaurant manager]

I could go on here but I believe you get the point. He’s not maliciously trying to put me down, but that does end up being what always happens. I love my friend. I am happy that she and her husband are madly in love and make each other ridiculously happy. But Everytime I hang out with the both of them – which considering they got married 4 months ago is nearly every time, I spend the next day incredibly depressed (I over think and internalize everything. Haven’t managed to find a therapist that can fit me into their schedule yet.) and I drive my long-suffering fiancé up the wall with my deep-seated sadness that he doesn’t know how to fix.

I know the quickest answer is to tell her.. But am I being oversensitive? Ridiculous? Unfair? I don’t think telling her would make her stop associating with me, but it would put her in an awkward position. I would appreciate your wisdom here, thank you.

Exasperated Friend

Dear Exasperated:

In both of your examples, the husband was out of line. Unfortunately, especially with the body snarking & diet talk, he’s out of line in a way that has been totally normalized in our culture, so you may not be able to easily get him to really understand why.

I don’t think “the quickest answer” is to have the “Friend, sometimes your husband unthinkingly says hurtful things, can you talk to him about it?” conversation. She is your trusted friend, so you want her to have your back here, and talking to her seems less scary than talking to him, but she’s not actually responsible for his behavior and has little control over how it goes. Even with everyone having the best intentions, there is no way that doesn’t put her in the middle, and if she starts defending him it’s gonna make you feel even worse. She can help you address certain specific moments and actions, she can be an ally in conversations, but she can’t make promises or representations as to this guy’s entire personality.

I think it is totally possible to remain friends with people when you don’t 100% love their partners, but one very necessary step in that is to stop double-dating so much. Try making solo plans with her. “Howabout lunch or a movie, just you and me?” “I have an extra ticket to this concert, want to be my date?” That way you get what you want (awesome friend time!) and the husband doesn’t have to be an issue. This won’t fully solve the problem, and you probably can’t/won’t/shouldn’t avoid all socializing with the two of them, but it will give you a break and keep the bond intact while you figure out the rest. While it will quickly become a noticeable issue if you never do anything with the two of them, within close friendships, “Sometimes I just want to see you” shouldn’t be a lot to ask. Strive for 2-3 times solo for every couple outing.

I think when you guys do all hang out, and when he does say something that is out of line, that talking directly to him (and a certain way of talking directly to him) will be the most helpful thing you can do. It takes practice, and courage, but it can be done.

Because his pronouncements don’t have to just sit there, unchallenged.

You get to say “Wow” or “Obviously we are not going to see eye to eye here, so let’s change the subject” or “I’m sure you don’t mean to upset me, but you are, so I’d like to change the subject now” or “Huh, you don’t say” or “I’m sure you’re right, but I really enjoyed it” or  any of 1,000 subject changers we use for people who get on our tits in social situations.

I think it’s bad if you try to correct everything that comes out of his mouth, or to see everything that comes out as a personal attack on you, and this is where a therapist (when you find one) can help you by rehearsing scripts and having courage but also in choosing your battles. He’s going to be in your friend’s life presumably forever, and your life for a long time, so you don’t want to end up at the “every single thing about this guy is part of a story about how he is bad” stage if you don’t have to. But whether he is intentionally or unintentionally hitting your sensitive places, it’s ok to tell him. “That’s a really sore subject for me, you had no way of knowing, but let’s drop it” is not an unreasonable request to make of someone who wants to be your friend. Give it a little time, once you start speaking up – what has been an ongoing problem for you is just being brought to his attention, and it may take him a little while to work out how to be more aware.

I think you should test out these two things (1) Making solo plans and (2) Speaking up/changing the subject in small ways before you have any big talks with your friend. How those two things go is maybe going to fix the problem, with a little time and patience, but if it doesn’t fix the problem, it gives you a lot of information about how to proceed when you do talk to your friend.

Because if your friend only wants to socialize as half of a couple, that gives you room to be pretty emphatic about what you need. “Doing stuff as a couple is great sometimes, but it’s important to me that we do stuff as just us sometimes, too. Can you tell me, in a perfect world, how you see this all working out?“

If you try changing the subject, steering him away from certain topics, or letting him know that he’s hurt you, and he laughs it off and doubles down on the insults because it’s fun to poke at the “sensitive” person, that also gives you a lot of information. (Hint: The information is that he’s a jerk and it’s not worth engaging with him seriously. I hope it won’t come to that!).

This is another possible conversation you could have with your friend:

“Doing stuff as a couple is great sometimes, but sometimes Husband can be really caustic about stuff that’s a sore spot for me. He really hurt my feelings the other night when he said x specific thing and then kept going after I politely asked him to stop. I don’t want to make it a thing, but I also need a little break. And I know you’re not responsible for anything he does or says, but in situations like that, I could use a little backup in getting the subject changed.“

If possible, including a specific thing you’d like your friend to do will help enormously in this conversation. “Constantly police & worry about everything your husband says, lest it accidentally hurt my feelings” is too much pressure to place on your friend.  ”When things are going south, and I change the subject, back me up” is a very manageable and reasonable thing to ask. This is also something specific you can ask from your partner.

I know that personally, there are some people I like, who have many good qualities, that I nonetheless shouldn’t hang out with when I’m feeling depressed or fragile. Some folks like to argue for fun, or think that making fun of you is an act of love, or are super-competitive about certain things, and when I’m feeling okay I’m right there with them, but when I’m not, I’m really not. (I am 100% sure that I am also That Caustic Person for some people on this earth, and that’s something I’ve had to consistently work on). By avoiding people who use that kind of humor or who bring out the super awkward in me when I’m in that headspace, I am actually taking care of myself. So ”Sometimes I’m really in the mood to hang out with y’all, but sometimes, when I’m feeling low, his caustic humor is hard for me to take so I might bail or be more open to making solo plans with you” is a reasonable thing to ask for.

You don’t have to sort out everything that everyone will feel. You don’t have to solve their marriage and make it perfect, or make all social occasions perfect, or make everything frictionless. There is already friction, because there is friction for you, so being honest about it as close as possible to the time that it’s happening, and directly to the person who is making things weird, is actually the most chill way you can handle things from here on out. The only part of the equation you can solve is “Hey, I need some solo time with my friend” and “Hey, that hurt my feelings/really bugs me/isn’t true.” Once you speak up about that, you are doing the best you can at taking care of your needs.

Hello, London! Sorry I didn’t get the notice up before the weekend.

Hello!

The next London meetup will start at 11am on June 1st, in the Southbank Centre, Belvedere Road, SE1 8XX.  It’s on the bank of the Thames near Waterloo station.

Everyone is welcome.

There’s a big open area on the first floor (accessible via lift), with loads of tables scattered around.  They have accessible toilets etc.

They sell food in a cafe (standard sandwiches, soup, cakes), but they also don’t mind people bringing food in from outside, either as a packed lunch or as takeaway from any of the many local restaurants and cafes.  I have done this myself with no hassle.

This is probably the ultimate solution to the problem of hosting people with different dietary requirements, so it fits in well with recent Awkward discussion!

I have long brown hair and glasses. I will bring my plush Cthulhu to use as a table marker. It looks like this: http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/7cb0/

My email address is kate DOT towner AT gmail DOT com, and we have a Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/549571375087294/

I can’t say exactly where I will be on the first floor – I’ll try to bag a sofa, or failing that a couple of tables.  Just wander around until you find me and Cthulhu…

Cheers,

Kate

 

Sport-flirting with a friend you *know* has feelings for you is bad, bad manners.

Hi Captain:

There is this totally awesome and beautiful girl in some of my graduate classes. I sat next to her and before I knew it we started texting a lot and it looked like it was leading to something more. I tried taking her out to dinner but once she had something come up and then we never got definitive plans after that. One night she started drunk texting me and she expressed that she wanted me. The next morning she appoligized for her texts. I total her don’t worry about. A couple days later the she started drunk texting me again. This time she expressed a stronger desire for me. The next morning she appoligized again.

Later that day she said how she was embarrassed that she wanted me when she was drunk. I told her I liked it because I like her. She then responded with “I thought we were just friends,” “I’m glad I know this now,” and “I hope this doesn’t make things awkward” I tried to get a clear answer about what this meant but was left under the impression that she just wanted to be friends.

Later that night, she started texting me again. This time it became full on sexting. During which she said how much she wanted me. Then the next morning she appoligized again. This time talking about how embarrassed she was and how she gets crazy when she’s drunk. I told her how confused this all made me, but that I like her and she responded “I like how we are now ya know?”

First What the HELL does this all mean?

Is there something I can do to piece this together and go out with her?
Should I wait this out and see what may happen?
Or should I just cut off communication and move on?

Thanks
Too confused to pursue

Dear Too Confused:

I think that you handled this beautifully when you asked the lady out. Straight up: “I like you. Let’s have dinner.” That was cool and confident. And when she said, “No thanks,” you backed off and respected that and tried to keep it strictly friendly & professional. Also cool.

When we really like someone, or we’re feeling lonely and unloved, any scrap of interest or attention from someone we like can feel really good. “Hey, they like me! They wouldn’t be texting ‘I’d love to _____ your _____ in my ______ and then _____ your _____” if they didn’t like me, right? Maybe I got a shot here!”

And maybe in moments when she’s alone and drunk, your classmate really does want to ____ your _____. It’s crossed her mind, shall we say. And maybe, with a little persistence on your part, you could get your _____  _____ed.

Do you want to be that guy?

Do you want to be the guy who gets sex and affection on those terms? From a someone who totally disavows you in the sober light of day?

I think you’re cooler than that guy. And I think the coolest, most honest answer to her next bout of drunk texting is:

“Sorry, this is confusing and not really fun. Goodnight.”

And then don’t respond to any more texts from her that night. In class, treat her like nothing happened unless she brings it up.* If she does (because: embarrassed) you can say “Listen, I think you’re really gorgeous and would love to go out sometime. But I’m also happy to be friends.Since we are going to be in these classes for a long time together, and I value your company no matter how it works out, let’s lay off the drunken flirting and just be straight with each other, ok? Because that stuff isn’t fun for me if it isn’t sincere.”

A cool lady who is actually worth being your friend will apologize and drunk sext you no more. A cool lady who actually wants to go out with you will apologize and start making plans for your date. Either way, you’re gonna need to be watchful around alcohol when you spend time together. Not because every drunk text from someone is insincere, or every drunk hookup is automatically a bad idea, but because she specifically has shown you repeatedly that her drunk persona and sober self can be operating on two totally different wavelengths. I don’t want to see your wishful thinking meet her drunkful thinking in a way that really, really hurts you. I don’t think you guys are quite close enough friends for the “Do you have a drinking problem?” talk (right now it might come across as concern-trolling) but if this is frequent behavior and you do get closer, that one might be in your future.

I would keep your expectations very low, and do what you can to excise hope that this is going somewhere either sexy or romantic. You do not have to live on the scraps of someone else’s attention. You are not there to be used at her convenience for sexual distraction, or strung along. And you don’t have to open yourself up to repeated rejection. However it works out, I think there is value for you in making a statement about your own self-worth and what treatment you are willing to put up with. There is a fallacy that guys are always up for sex and will do it with anyone who expresses the slightest interest. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to have sex with you and expressing it, and there’s nothing wrong with you being attracted to her and expressing it, but you don’t have to operate within that stereotype just because she thinks you do.

Whether she “secretly” wants you and can express it only when drunk (Because, maybe she’s worried about slut-shaming? Or has intimacy & trust issues? Or is using alcohol as a social lubricant or excuse to disavow the behavior later? Or has a major problem with alcohol and is texting you during a blackout? I keep trying to come up with the kindest explanation for what she’s about here. Readers?), or she actually doesn’t want you but likes to flirt and mess around with you when she’s drunk, she’s giving off some red flags here.

People who are really bad at boundaries and who can only be sexual or express emotions when drunk or high, people who reject you one day and then are all up in your business the next day, are, in my opinion, less than ideal sexual or romantic partners.They don’t know how to treat themselves well, so they don’t know how to treat their partners well. I don’t think she’s treating you especially well, and suggest that you handle with extreme care. Given her changeability on the subject of You: In Her Pants and the ubiquity of Her: In Your Graduate Program, I think only badness lies that way

You’re not the one making it weird, here. I think you are cooler than some drunk lady’s backup booty call. Keep awesomeing, and I predict that pretty soon someone that recognizes your value and communicates it like a grownup will come your way.

*Not necessarily for the letter writer, here, but important to say:

I don’t think “I was drunk, I didn’t mean it” is actually an excuse. People are still responsible for their behavior, and if you are the type of person who cheats on your S.O. (but only when drunk!), or says mean things when drunk, or sends sexy texts to the guy from your class that you keep telling you don’t want to go out with, then after the first time it “accidentally” happens it’s on you to avoid situations where that behavior is normal for you. “Sorry, I was drunk!” isn’t really an apology for jerky behavior, and you still did that thing that hurt someone else whether you meant to or not.

However, I *do* think that when someone is impaired and their inhibitions are clearly lowered, especially when sexuality is involved, it’s a good idea to be extra-responsible and conservative in how you deal with them. Would they want to do this if they were sober? No? Or, maybe, but you’re not sure? Then don’t do it when they’re drunk. It’s only really fun if everyone is sure.

A drunk woman at a party saying “Hey I want to have sex with you” might really mean she wants to have sex with you. A lot of us have walked in those drunk, horny shoes and had a fun, drunk, horny time. But I don’t think we would lose anything, were she talking to us, if we said “Awesome, maybe in the morning, after some breakfast! Let’s do it! But right now, howabout we make out a little, and everyone keeps their pants ON.” And/or “You take the bed and I’ll take the couch. First, let’s get some water into you.” In the morning when everyone is sober you can say, “Hey, you are so hot and if that was a serious offer last night I’d love to take you up on it, but I wanted everyone to be really sure.” And maybe you won’t end up having sex. Which is a loss of…not having sex with someone who didn’t enthusiastically want to have sex with you. Which if you are a decent person, is a bullet dodged, not an opportunity missed. If you want to be sure that your partner is really into it, there is a way to be absolutely sure: Wait until you’re both sure.

Letter writer, believe the sober rejection, until a sober seduction comes your way. You lose nothing by being a mensch in this regard.