First reader question: Friends With Money

You guys!  An actual question from an actual real-life reader!

Nicole Holofcener's Friend With Money

Dear Captain Awkward:

I don’t have a lot of money (like, in debt right now?) but friends keep inviting me to eat out with them.  Sometimes these people are from out of town; sometimes I am going to meet someone for lunch near their office, and it’s 10 below; etc.  It’s important to me to spend time with my friends; how can I do this and also not spend a lot of money?  Can I just always order the soup, or will they feel awkward?

This is a subject that unfortunately Captain Awkward can personally relate to.   Those $8.00 sandwiches at that charming cafe near your friend’s office and that $15.00 tagine at the cute Algerian place with out-of-town friends can really add up. And then you miss the last bus home and it’s late and you take a cab and $15.00 became $30, and the cab wasn’t a stupid decision because your safety is more important than money, but now you’re eating peanut butter and jelly for a week.  Or you order the soup and your friends order a dinner and a bottle of wine and then there’s that horrible moment when it’s time to pay the check and you don’t want to be That Guy so you fork over $20 anyway.

First, I want to give yourself permission to be poor.  There’s a big taboo in American culture around admitting that you don’t have quite enough money.  We’re all faking it until we make it.   Stop faking it.  Just be honest with yourself about your financial situation – you’re working hard, you’re digging yourself out of debt, and you need to be really careful with money for the time being.  You have nothing to be ashamed of, and in this economy you are far from alone.

Second, I want you repeat this to yourself.  Your friends just want to see you and have a good time.  If they knew their invitations were causing you anxiety, they’d either offer to pay your way or suggest something different. That weird cocktail of shame and deprivation you’re feeling when you weigh whether you can really afford that Pad Thai on Friday?  Sadly, I know all too much about that, but your friends don’t know.

Now I have a few strategies for you. Read the rest of this entry »