I have been meaning to write you for a long time. I had a really long dilemma that turned into a really short dilemma over the last weekend. Basically, husband and I were friends with a couple (I’ll call them Marjorie and Lance) who were completely stressing us out. The abridged list of the issues includes: demanding/using, boundary-crossing, super clingy and needy, always mired in self-created chaos, on the brink of financial ruin, manipulative, jealous, competitive, kind-sharking and trying to make others responsible for their emotions. I’ve been trying to do a slow fade over the last six months, but my efforts at distancing myself were having the opposite effect on Marjorie, whose behavior started escalating into stalker-type stuff.
It’s so perfect! The kids can play while we gossip and drink! BLISS!
Things came to a head recently, when she “caught” me out at a public place with a mutual friend and threw a tantrum because she hadn’t been invited. There was screaming, sobbing and foot-stamping. For me, after swallowing two years of increasingly unacceptable behavior, it was the last straw. I spent the entirety of last weekend crafting an African Violet letter and asked for a break in what I hoped was a direct and humane way. She responded once, was pretty gracious about it and says she is really sad about our friendship ending. For that matter, I am sad too, but also very relieved. In the past, when she’s had altercations with my husband, Marjorie’s reaction falls into a pattern where the first phase is sadness, the second phase is guilt-tripping and the third phase is overt hostility and making scenes.
This brings me to my dilemma: my children are best friends with her children. Like, best-best friends. The girls are all young (4 and 8), and their friendships are healthy, with a good dynamic. I thought really long and hard about giving the African Violet because of this, and because of the fact that it’s impossible to avoid this family over the course of my daily life. I see these people everywhere – the kids are in the same classes at school, signed up for the same activities, and we live in a small, rural community where everyone knows everyone else. At a minimum, my husband or I are forced to interact with them three times a week, in environments like dance classes, birthday parties or waiting on the playground, where I am stuck watching/waiting for a predetermined period of time and can’t just walk away if things get uncomfortable. I would like to try to continue to sustain the friendships between the kids, they are very attached to each other.
Up until now, I’d been suggesting get-togethers that didn’t take place at my house (among other things, Marjorie and Lance had a tendency to drop their kids off and leave them with me all day, often). But meeting at the park requires spending extended amounts of time with Marjorie, and I desperately need some space. My husband loathes Lance, so I can’t ask him to shoulder this either. I also want to be compassionate toward the kids, none of this is their fault.
Any strategies on how to handle this would be very much appreciated!
After a three year-long battle with a rare form of cancer, my Mom passed away a few weeks ago. Don’t worry, Team Me has been assembled and regular doses of Chinese food, dark chocolate, Monty Python, and silent horror films have been, and continue to be, implemented. Now, however, begins the hard part of getting back into daily life without her and informing/dealing with everyone else. They are all lovely and well-meaning people, but fielding their well wishes is exhausting, and the origin of my problem.
Mom, who is my mother in all of the really really important ways, is not my biological mom. The story behind it is very long, but the cliffnote version is: abusive step-father, police get involved, Biological Mother takes his side and uses my personal diaries against me at the trial, Dad and wonderful step-mother (Mom) sweep in to take in my sister and I and pick up the pieces. Mom is Mom, and nothing will change that.
Dear Captain Awkward, I would like some advice about a difficult family relationship.
My sister C’s been stuck in a loop for several years. She thinks that she’s worthless and that everyone hates her, so she spends most of her time at the computer instead of going out and doing things and meeting people, and this (“I never go out and do anything! I don’t have any friends!”) somehow becomes more proof of how worthless she is. And it’s as if every interaction with other people becomes hugely magnified to her because of this – if a stranger gives her an odd look she’ll analyze it for days and take it as proof that everyone really despises her.
This also makes her hard to live with, since it’s so hard to avoid hurting her feelings. She gets upset if someone else 1) doesn’t listen with sufficient interest when she’s telling them the latest news about her favourite celebrity, 2) says something mildly critical about something she likes (like a book or movie), or 3) accidentally uses a slightly brusque tone or a “cold” facial expression. Then she either cries, sulks or tells the offender at length what an unkind and inconsiderate person they are. If the offender gets visibly angry or asks her to stop doing this, she hears this as “You’re a horrible person and I hate you!”
I’m happy to say that this is my most pressing question about sex ‘n’ relationships ‘n’ stuff right now. The short version is that a lot of people who don’t know me that well aren’t sure whether I’m lesbian, straight, or somewhere in between. I’m sure where I am (straight) but I also like the protective shield that uncertainty gives me against unwanted (male) advances. (The unwanted female advances are rare and flattering.) But now I’m wondering if this is kind of a shitty thing to do, knowingly allowing people to draw the wrong conclusion instead of being honest about who I am, just so I can avoid a few passes. I also worry that I am missing out on all the guys who don’t want to be so gauche as to hit on someone who might be a lesbian.
Your inner Smeagol will not help you get invited to parties.
Dear Captain Awkward,
Next Saturday someone I consider to be one of my closer friends is having her birthday party. I have not been invited. I can’t help but feel a little bit stung about that. We have a little bit of ‘history’, I suppose, insofar as I have always liked her quite a bit, and she sort-of-rejected me over the summer, but we’re good friends, and I’ve entirely made peace with the fact that, as much as she likes me platonically, she doesn’t have any interest in me romantically.
I think there are two possible explanations for this failure to invite me. Firstly, she might just not like me that much. She has considerably more friends than I do, so while I consider her to be one of my closer pals, I’m relatively low on her list, so to speak. This is obviously a possibility that I would argue against, since we do talk fairly often and we have had ‘heart to heart’ conversations about how glad we are to have become friends etc.
The second possibility is that I’m just not really on her ‘party invitational radar’. Yesterday, I attended what was essentially my first proper house party (which I quite enjoyed and at which me and this friend spent a lot of time chatting); historically, I either haven’t been invited or, on the rare occasion that I was, been unable to go. Because I have absolutely no reputation for being interested in attending this kind of thing, perhaps she either didn’t think to invite me, or considered it, but thought I wouldn’t enjoy it?
Anyway, I was wondering firstly whether you think it might be a good idea for me to talk to her about it, directly or indirectly, and secondly, what such communication might comprise?
FWIW I am a 17-year-old male.
Thanks!
There are a lot of reasons your friend maybe didn’t invite you to her party. The ones you identify are actually pretty good ones. What it’s very important to understand is that they are HER reasons. You don’t have to invite everyone (even people you quite like) to gatherings. It’s not a referendum on how much she likes you, it’s a party that she wants to have for herself and invite whoever she wants.
Normally I’m all for speaking up and using words. Good for you for asking her out and handling rejection well and forming a friendship! But I think you’re still hung up on this girl. Maybe it’s not in a romantic/sexual way anymore, but you’re hung up on her affection and attention. For example (bolding mine):
My friend is driving me crazy. We’re going to call him Dan.
Dan is in his mid-twenties, has graduated from university, and has been working a steady job in his field for two or three years now. He still lives with his parents completely free of charge. He’s generally a good person, if sheltered. I’ve had to explain to him why he can’t make “she-male” jokes, why certain internet memes are racist, etc, and while he doesn’t make any effort to think critically about the media he’s consuming, at least when you point out he’s doing something offensive, he stops and doesn’t do it again.
Unfortunately, he is driving myself and my friends group CRAZY.
I’ve been dealing with a rather awkward social conundrum lately, and I’d love some advice.The short version: I need to figure out how to fend off well-meaning questions from acquaintances about my semi-estranged father.
The longer version: my dad’s an alcoholic person with bipolar disorder, and he’s non med compliant. I grew up in a very unstable, sometimes emotionally abusive home, and it’s left it’s marks on me. My mom was brave enough to divorce him a year ago, and I’m finally facing the demons my childhood left me with. I’m getting weekly therapy, and have taken steps to limit contact with my father.
The problem is, my dad was outwardly quite charming, and I often have to deal with people asking after him. I really don’t know how to answer friendly questions about him. I refuse to pretend everything is (and was always) peachy, and answer nicely; but I don’t want to go into detail/risk questions by saying I no longer talk to him.
Do you have any advice on dealing with kindly but nosy acquaintances?
Thanks! - Picking Up The Pieces
I’m glad that you and your mom are in a position to pick up the pieces, and it sounds like you are doing all the right (painful, hard, healing) stuff.
It’s not your job to protect your dad from what people think about him, but I also understand that you don’t want to rehash all the stuff that’s going on when you get a “How’s your dad? Tell him I said hi when you see him!” at the library or grocery store or church or make people feel crappy for being interested in you and your family. I think sometimes it will be important for you to be able to say something back and give some honest indication to the world that all is not well without going into detail, rather than feel like you have to smooth everything over and preserve your dad’s image for everyone.
Some suggested answers:
“Thanks, but we’re not in touch right now.”
“Sorry, you’ll have to ask him/tell him yourself. We’re not in touch just now.”
Or the most kind possible answer, “You should tell him yourself! I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.” (Recommended for most casual interactions).
And variations on that theme. When will you be in touch? Who knows. Why aren’t you in touch? “Long story. How are things with you?” Whose idea is it to not be in touch? Who can say, really?
Then you can a) change the subject by asking them a question about themselves or b) let a long, awkward pause happen where the other person figures out they’ve stepped in something but not what. It depends on your mood and how you feel about the person who is asking the question and how pushy/nosy they are. Like, if you get a “That can’t be true! What’s going on?” don’t be afraid to let that pause really, really fester.
You don’t have to justify it or get into why you’re not in touch! ”I know you mean really well, but this is an awkward subject. Can we talk about you?” Keep it short, stand your ground, and keep repeating some neutral phrase and changing the subject until the other person gets it and changes the subject, goes away, or you extract yourself with a “Yeah, it is really awkward, but we’re not in touch right now. Sorry, can’t stay!”
I’m a high school student, and I had a friend who turned into a stalker. My family, and the school counselor have really helped me through a lot of it. However, I need some help explaining to my friends at school, and the friends of the stalker, of how I absolutely will not be interacting with her, without having to go into all the painful and elaborate details of what happened. The assumption of my casual friends is usually that we had an argument, and now I’m being childish by refusing to speak to her. (Again, high school students, this seems to be a common assumption.) So some of my friends are trying to force me to interact with her. “Just be civil, hold a conversation, just be nice to her, etc.” The school counselor recommends I stay away from her, for my personal safety, and I agree with her.
I’m not worried about my best friends, who understand the issue, but the people who I’m not very well connected with. I don’t want to write a two-page thesis just to get them to understand the problem. I also feel that it’s a violation of my privacy to have to try to explain the issue to anybody who feels like knowing, and letting people know that the way to push my buttons is to bring up the subject. As well as I know that the stalker has been telling people false information, and that anything I tell these friends will likely wind up reaching her.
I’ve been doing pretty well in the online dating world. Guys initiate things with me, I initiate things with girls (apparently that’s how bisexuality plays out on OkCupid! Gender stereotypes! I have them!) and I’ve been on several good dates. But it’s my first OkCupid date that sticks with me. An artist at a nearby college, in the process of coming out, short, funny…but I felt that I was much more into her than vice versa.
It’s been a couple of weeks and we haven’t hung out since that first awkward/fun but clearly-not-happening-again date, and our texting petered out after about a day. I’m a bit disappointed by this, but not, I think, overly invested. I’ve even dated other people!
Here’s the question: I’d kinda like to text her. I’m not sure why–or even what to say–but I’d like to know her better. Talking to her is fun! And on the profile she said she wanted friends! But. Have I been rejected? How can I open up a friendly conversation with her? Should I?
Not A Deep Question. But I’d Like To Know!
Hello, Not A Deep Question!
Thank you for a question to ease me back into posting after a break to wallow in freakish misery with a sinus infection this past week.
I spend a lot of time with my partner and his friends. There is an older lady who I shall call Esther who seems intent on saying nasty things about my partner after my partner told her a few years back he was not interested in dating her. I guess that makes her justified in not liking him, nobody likes to be rejected, and not everybody is destined to get along. However, the things she say are really obviously false and she would have no way of knowing at all unless she was stalking him because my partner refuses to speak to her (I seriously doubt he’d start sending naked photographs of himself to some girl in eastern Europe and I’m not sure if he’d even be capable of stringing along two different women at once while he was dating me exclusively), and it’s gotten to a point where my partner is really upset because people in our social group who don’t know him as well ask him – or me – out of the blue if he’s really cheating on me or if he really did this, that or the other (yeah, his friends think this is the best way to deal with situations like that).
I'm a screenwriter who is obsessed with advice columns, so I started one. Is someone in your life making it weird? Can't figure out what to say? Write to me at welcometoawkwardtown@gmail.com and I'll see if I can help.
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