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Every month we answer the things people typed into search engines like they are actual questions, adding punctuation but leaving the wording intact. If it sounds like me saying “but you could just not” 20 times in a row, that’s pretty much what happens every month with these. Enjoy?

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the doctor and rose, in separate dimensions, on the other side of a wall from each other, cryingDear Captain Awkward,

I may or may not be in love with my best friend. We have been close for over 10 years, and dated briefly at age 18, 8 years ago, when we broke up due to long distance and the mutual feeling that we both needed to have college experiences and relationships and sex, and to develop individually as people. We remained very close, rebuilding our friendship from there, and supporting each other through the stages of growing up, relationships, jobs, etc, from afar (with the exception of Christmases, a couple summers at home, and visiting each other, we have lived in different parts of the country for 8 years). We have always been able to talk very frankly about our boundaries as well as about our mutual attraction. We have also been able to adjust very well when either of us was in a relationship with another person, adapting the intimacy of our relationship to an appropriate level and giving each other space when we needed it. I know that if he fell in love with someone I would genuinely be delighted for him, and vice versa, because it has happened a couple of times, without issues. We would re-draw our boundaries and adapt our friendship. However, right now he and I are both single, and we are about to have a month together for christmas. I know that historically those circumstances lead to me feeling very romantically and physically attracted to him. On one hand that is great, but on the other hand, we are still on opposite sides of the country for at least two more years until we finish our degrees.

The thing is, neither of us wants to do a long distance relationship, and honestly he and I have already discussed the fact that the distance, and the fact that there has never NOT been distance makes it difficult for either of us to know how we really feel about each other romantically. When we see each other it is in these emotionally intense bursts, and I don’t know how he would fit into my daily life or how I would fit into his, whether we would truly be compatible romantically, or whether we are just building a romance in our heads. We have said that if we lived in the same city, and were single, we would probably give dating a try, since we like each other so much, and actually our long term goals are very compatible. We’ve also promised to NOT pull any “My Best Friend’s Wedding” stunts. I guess my question is this: should I keep my hands off him this Christmas? As it is now, in two years, he and I can have a conversation about actually ending up in the same state, (we’ve discussed that we are interested in many of the same cities and as of now, it wouldn’t have to be a huge romantic pressure thing to try to end up in the same city). We have never actually slept together, though we have done other things over the years when we were both single. Would it change things in such a way that it would BECOME a romantic pressure thing?

Regardless of whether he and I worked out romantically, I want him in my life and it would be lovely to be in the same city. I just don’t want for either of us to sabotage other relationships because we are secretly holding onto this one, and I also don’t want to sabotage this friendship or to do anything that could prevent it from developing into something romantic if that was the right thing.

Advice?

My feeling is, if after knowing this person for eight years you are working toward goals like ending up in the same city someday, referencing My Best Friend’s Wedding as a Thing That Might Happen, routinely renegotiating your boundaries and level of intimacy around whether one of you happens to be dating, and arranging your current romantic and sexual decision-making around this eventuality to the point that you would not get together now for the mere CHANCE to try it out “the right way” later, then the “Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair?” cat is already well out of the bag. However, I am kicking this one to the commenters, since logistics and timing are real factors here, and since “Oh, just fuck* already, you’ll figure out a lot from that and you are clearly burning for him” is probably not the thoughtful response you deserve. <3

Commenters?

*contingent on respectful discussion and mutual consent

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Every month I try to answer the questions people typed into search engines to find this place as if they were questions people asked me. I add punctuation, but I leave the text alone.

1. “Ex no longer contacts me.”

If you have shared custody or financial entanglements, this is a problem. If you don’t, this is probably a healthy evolution of things that means that time is doing its healing work.

2. “Nerdy desperate dating problems.”

You’re probably in the right place. Start here.

3. “I want to hang out with my ex because I’m bored.”

That is not a good reason. Probably you should call literally anyone else.

4. “He says he wants space. What does he mean?” & “What does he mean when he says he can’t give me what I want?”

Statements like this are very often a preludes to a breakup, or a break, or a request to hang out less, or a request to take the relationship down a level in terms of seriousness and time together. Whatever the person telling you intends, a good message to take away from statements like this is that you are being asked or warned to invest less of yourself in whatever this thing is. Don’t make big plans with this person, like, getting a place together or moving closer to them or adopting a pet. Reach out to people in your life who are not this person, and put your energy into other friendships and connections.

5. “Uncle touch breasts petting the cat on my lap.”

There are accidental touches, and then there are touches that might be bad touches (and you know because they make you uncomfortable and they make you type things like that into search engines). If it happens again, this is one of those times to visibly startle, yelp, say “HEY!” and stand up and maybe the cat will end up sort of on your uncle’s face. Someone who touched you totally by accident will be sheepish and embarrassed and never, ever, ever do it again. You’ll know a creeper because he will try to shame you for making a big deal, as if you are the one in the wrong. I give you full permission to make a SCENE. 

6. “I feel cheated on when friend wants new friends.”

That is a sucky feeling and it is really hard to just sit with it and deal with it without making it your friend’s problem, but if you are an adult and you want to keep this friendship, that is what I suggest you do. There is no script for “I wish you wouldn’t hang out with other people without me” that sounds good. Be really nice to yourself, find an outlet for those feelings like a journal or a therapist, and give it some time.

7. “I fuck goats.”

I do not think the goats enjoy that, like, at all. NO BUENO.

8. “Terrible names to call your sister.”

You should probably leave your sister alone and just go your separate ways rather than name-calling, but the Shakespeare Insult Kit is kind of fun.

9. “Once a rapist always a rapist?”

Statistically speaking, yeah. Rapists rape repeatedly.

10. I have a gay boyfriend but I keep masturbating. 

Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. It’s not cheating. It’s not wrong.

11. “What does it mean when a man says he doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.”

It means that this is someone you should avoid, completely, forever. This is such a shithead thing to say.

12. “Its my husband’s responsibility to clean his poo stain.”

Is he physically able to do this? If so, you’ll get no argument from me.

13. “I feel guilty for breaking a blind date.”

Forgive yourself. You didn’t want to meet that person.

14. “You know she wants to have sex just need to say the right thing.”

The “right thing” probably is to ask “Do you want to have sex?” and see if “she” answers “yes.” Then you’ll know, and you’ll have said the “right thing” to find out.

15. “How to politely, firmly stop attending club meetings due to physical disabilities.”

Email the organizer. “Hi _____, I wanted to let you know that won’t be at club meetings for the forseeable future, so please don’t plan on me. I’ve got some (personal/health/other priorities/whatever you are comfortable sharing, keeping in mind that you don’t need to give a reason) taking my attention right now, I’ll let you know if anything changes. Thanks for all you do!”

Then you don’t need to reply to anything, and you don’t need to go.

16. “What does it mean when she says when and if the time is right we will meet?”

She may want to meet someday, but she does not want to meet either “now” or “soon” or “anytime that is actually planned out and committed to on an actual calendar.”

17. “What kind of question to seduce a female?”

A female what?

P.S. Don’t call women that. It’s dehumanizing and gross.

18. “Is it bad to break up with someone after a week?”

Is waiting gonna make it better? “I am so sorry, I am not feeling it, and we should break this off.” Set yourself and that person free.

19. “He says no relationship but he acts like he is into me.”

Believe the words and get some distance from him. If he changes his mind, he knows how to find you and how to tell you about that, but I’d hate to see you hanging around waiting for that to happen.

20. “Captain Awkward, how do I get my ex back?”

You reach out once to say “Ex, would you be willing to give it another try?” and then you abide 100% by whatever they tell you, is my suggestion. No guarantees, but this one approach is at least honest, respectful, and will get you an answer without wasting a lot of your time.

 

 

Hi Captain,

About six months ago, I had to move to the other side of the country for a new job. My now ex-boyfriend and I decided to try out the long distance relationship thing, but then he told me that he would never move to be with me. We kind of floundered for a few weeks after that, then had an ugly, terrible fallout, and I stopped talking to him.

We haven’t spoken since then, despite his attempts to contact me.

Losing him has really messed me up. I was crazy about this guy. I know this is probably going to sound silly, but I really do think he was pretty much perfect. He had this incredible super hero jaw line, a wonderful smile, gorgeous eyes, and had the body of a Greek god. He was smart, funny, and unbelievably sweet. He was the nicest, most helpful person I’ve ever met in my life. We liked all the same movies, TV shows, music, books, food…and the sex was insane. I never had an orgasm until I met him. He was so fucking perfect he didn’t even have morning breath when we would wake up together. I swear, our relationship was like something out of a romance novel. I thought we were going to get married and be together forever.

I’m in therapy and on antidepressants now, because breaking up with him left me in such a mess (like “almost getting fired from my new job” sort of mess). But I’ve been trying to do the usual stuff to help get over a breakup: staying busy, deleting Facebook, hitting the gym, etc., etc. Also, being in a new city where I know no one, I’ve been going to social events to try and make new friends, which has been going well, all things considered. And…I guess I should mention that most of these events have been kinky and BDSM related events because…I am kinky and into BDSM.

I’ve been meeting lots of guys at these social events, and a few of them have asked me out, or asked me to play with them. I usually stand there and quietly compare them to my ex before politely turning them down. Which is very clearly and obviously a sign that I should not be involved with anyone right now beyond platonic friendship.

A few weeks ago, though, I was at another one of these events, and started chatting up with this guy who was super cute. He has this big, contagious grin, and his eyes would light up so bright when he would find out we both liked the same obscure TV show or comic book or whatever. He was one of the first people to make me laugh really hard since I moved here.

We friended each other on Fetlife (a kinky social media website) the day after we met, and he sent me a message asking me out shortly thereafter. I wrote him back, explaining I not interested in dating anyone, but if he wanted to hang out as friends, that would be super cool!

He never responded to that message, but we’ve seen each other at a few more events since then and…I just get the butterflies something terrible when he’s around. He’s just so funny and sweet and so full of passion and life. I mean, he sang to me the other night in front of a bunch of people and it was all I could do to not swoon into his arms. We’ve spent some time talking about our kinks and fetishes and they line up so nice. And what I think is most important is that when we’re hanging out, I don’t sit there and compare him to my ex.

But part of me is worried that we’ll start dating, and then a bunch of old feelings about my ex will resurface. Or I’m worried that this guy will just be a rebound for me, and that doesn’t seem fair to him. Ooorrrr…you know, I start dating him, and nothing bad happens, and it helps me get over my ex more quickly, and everything will just be awesome.

I dunno. What do you think, Captain?

Sincerely,
Whips and Chains Hurt Less Than Heartbreak

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Dear Captain Awkward:

I am a gay man. I am seeing this guy that I like a lot. He comes to my place every week and we have sex, I make dinner and we enjoy watching TV. The sex is awesome but there is no kissing. He is a divorced man. ( Two years). I know he enjoys being with me but he hasn’t asked me to go anywhere with him. I would like to go to a movie with him and on some trips to places he goes but he never asks. Is this a lost cause or what do I do. I am very frustrated. I want to kiss him so bad but every time I try he turns his face. I am very clean and I know I don’t have bad breath. This seems silly to ask but I am hoping for some help.

Thank you, 

T

Hello T.! This isn’t silly! Not at all! 

I think you should ask this guy some questions, and you should make them as simple and direct as you can, and I think you should ask him for what you want. Scripts for that:

  • “When I try to kiss you, I feel like you turn away or pull away. Is there something I should know about that?” 
  • “When you I try to kiss you, you pull away. Can you tell me what’s up with that? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I also really, really want to kiss you. What’s up?”
  • “Let’s go out tonight. I’m in the mood for _______. What’s your favorite _______ place?” Don’t ask permission, and in fact, if it feels like you are asking permission at any point, RUN. 
  • “Hey, want to see Love Is Strange* with me?” 
  • “Your trip to _______ sounds great. Would you ever be up for going away for a weekend together sometime? I’ve always wanted to visit _______.”

These are all very simple questions that one partner in a relationship should be able to ask the other partner without a lot of hullaballoo. What could be more basic than “How do we like to touch?” “How will we spend our time?” “Where will we eat?” 

These are all the riskiest questions in the world when your basic worry or fear is that the other person doesn’t feel the same way you do or doesn’t want the same things you do. “Simple” doesn’t mean “easy” when what’s at stake is “Do I like you way more than you like me, and what will happen to our pleasant status quo if that becomes glaringly evident?”

I think you should ask the questions, and I think you should pay attention to the answers. Recognize phrases like:

  • “I want to keep this casual.”
  • “But I enjoy what we’re doing now so much, why change it?”

…for what they are, namely, “I super like coming over here and having sex with you, but I plan to make zero effort to do anything differently in the future.” And if he says “please don’t ruin this by being serious/needy/clingy/like my ex” in any form, if you catch even a whiff of him guilting you for having needs and bringing them up, please kick him out of your house and never touch him again. He’s allowed to have different needs and desires. He is not allowed to shame you for having some of your own. 

If the talk seems to go well, pay attention also to actions and follow-through after you talk. Does he insist there is nothing weird going on with the whole kissing thing, but then, does he still refuse to kiss you? Does he promise you that next time you’ll go out to dinner, but tonight he’s just really tired and wants to stay in, but then there never seems to be a next time? Then cut him loose, or relegate him to the most casual of very occasional hook-up partners. He is showing you that you can’t trust what he says. 

This dude sounds kind of lazy and entitled, to be honest. You cook every time? He never takes you out or even suggests ordering dinner? He never cooks? Does he at least help with the dishes or bring/buy groceries or bring wine? Are you the only one who makes and initiates plans? You never go to his place? Has he met your friends? Have you met any of his? (I don’t want to read too far into this, but something about a completely hermetically-sealed relationship with no kissing reads as “possibly closeted?” to me. Am I alone?)

I’m going to give him one tiny, teensy, microscopic benefit of the doubt along the lines of: Maybe you’re the one who has been offering to cook and suggesting that he just come over until now and he doesn’t know that you want anything different. Sometimes in the early stages of a relationship you fall into a pattern, and it’s pleasurable and easy, and you don’t know if it will be an ongoing thing so it doesn’t seem worth it to spend time – time that you could be constantly, joyously fucking –  on second-guessing and negotiating whose turn it is to select and procure the food. But if it becomes an ongoing relationship, a non-lazy dude, one who really likes you, will presumably eventually begin suggesting things that you might enjoy and appreciate, right? Like, “Hey, I want to show you my place, why don’t you come over there next time.” “I love how you cook for me, but let me take you out tonight!” People you’d actually want to be with longterm don’t relax, unquestioningly and perpetually, into a status quo where you do all the work and they do none. 

T., you sound like a total sweetheart, and you deserve someone who kisses you and who takes you places. You deserve someone who cooks for you and who creates a relaxing sexy evening for you. You deserve someone who wants to make plans with you for future trips away. Maybe that romantic, thoughtful dude is some unknown future dude, and this dude is just a hot casual-sex-fun-right-now dude. That’s okay, as long as everyone is on board with it and as long as you are enjoying yourself, but you should decide that and ask about that and not default into something just because it’s easy (easy for him). 

*Possibly Too On The Nose, I realize, though I am very excited to see it. Insert your preferred specific movie (vs. “the movies, sometime”) here instead.

 

Dear Captain Awkward:

I have a really great job; creatively fulfilling, changing and full of new challenges and people. I’ve been in this job for a lot of my 20’s, and devoted a lot of time and emotional energy to it.

A lot of the greatness of the job is down to my boss. So far, I’d say our relationship has been warm, informal and rather protective, but professional. However the other week (after an work event we were attending together) it became so warm and informal we drunkenly made-out.

He kissed me, not that I’m looking to assign blame, but I was definitely into it. And it was a mess, and kind of innocent, and he’s my boss, and married.

Backstory; while I don’t really identify as asexual all signs so far point to me being somewhere down that end of the ballroom. I’ve had crushes on one or two men (maybe even been in love) but have had very little romantic or sexual experience. I’m basically okay with this, as I experience attraction so rarely (and it’s my body and I’ll do what I like with it, even if that’s nothing) .

However since that night I’ve been left feeling lonely, and touch deprived. I wouldn’t truly say I have a crush, but I want his attention and affection. I feel very safe with him and if he was any of my other friends I’d be asking if he wanted to do it again and working out whether it could be a thing. As it is, we very quickly went back to normal, which is right but has left me so at odds with myself.

How the hell do I behave, now I’ve finally noticed I’ve been having this weirdly intimate working relationship? I feel like such a loser for being so affected by a drunk kiss but really my problem is that I feel like I don’t know myself at all. How can I try to be happy romantically in the future, when my sexuality is such a small, hidden thing?

Thank you, I’d really love to have the chance to think about this anonymously. As it’s pretty professionally compromising I feel I can’t talk about it to my usual Team Me!

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