#205: The case of the nosy roommate.
Posted: March 13, 2012 Filed under: Manners, Reader Questions, Roommates, Uncategorized | Tags: Boundaries, breaking bad, enforcing boundaries, management secrets of gustav fring, nosy roommates, The Roommate Code 66 Comments »
I should write a book called "Silence is Golden: The Management Secrets of Gustavo Fring."
Hi Captain Awkward,
The background to this story is I moved away from the city I grew up to go to graduate school on the other coast. While I have been in the area a while I am currently living with roommates I did not know prior to living with them. This is fine and for the most part they are very nice. However one of my roommates, lets call her Reba, is very nosy.
Specifically, Reba constantly asks incredibly personal questions and constantly offers to hear my personal problems. This really came to a head a few weeks ago when I finally broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. For the most part the break up was amicable, it really was just we are at a point in our lives where we want different things; I am trying to finish my Ph.D. and then hopefully have adventures as a post doc while he is trying to buy and house and settle down. Anyways I decided not to tell Reba (and the other roommate Mike by proxy) because I did not want to talk about it and my personal life with Reba. But a few days after it happened Reba mentioned that she had over heard me talking on the phone about breaking up with my boyfriend. And then talked about how she is really good at listening, and will be totally fine with hearing all of my problems about the break up etc. etc.
#204: Not everyone likes you.
Posted: March 9, 2012 Filed under: Friendship, Manners, Overthinking It, Reader Questions, Roommates | Tags: firthing, weird vibe 34 Comments »
Either I smell a bad smell or I am violently in love with you. Stay tuned for FEELINGSMAIL.
Hey Capt’n,
I am in a weird situation. I heard through a mutual friend that a person I consider a friend thinks that I don’t like them. Now I can understand where she is coming from, as how I act toward her could be seen as being a little stand offish. But I swear my reason make sense in my head! See her and her boyfriend (my friend and roommate) are on the second go round of their relationship. When they were broken up, I was also between relationships and I developed a crush on her.
However I did not act on it because of the unspoken “Code” of not dating your friend’s ex. So she and he got back together, and I involved in a long distance relationship, but when we are together I get a weird vibe off her, that something might of/still be there. I think that vibe is in my head but it bugs me sometimes.
So really this is just a long way of ask how/should I explain this to her?
Reilly
Dear Reilly,
Not everyone likes you.
Not everyone will like you.
Not everyone has to like you.
It sounds like this lady picked up on your Firthing a while back and mistook it for dislike (which it closely mimics).
I don’t think you can fix this with a conversation. “Hey, I feel like you don’t like me or you don’t think I like you, but really it was just that boner I had a while back…but don’t have it any more, I swear! Hahahahahaha! Are we cool?” Also, while most people understand the whole “don’t ask out your friends’ exes, at least without having a conversation with your friend first” rule, nobody likes being told “I would have asked you out, but since you were some other dude’s property first I held back.” You missed your window. Since they are back together, you can feel pretty comfortable knowing it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Be happy for your friend and let this whole subject die a quiet death.
Going forward, just be a basic level of pleasant and polite to her. Stop being so standoffish because you feel guilty about liking your best friend’s girl. Stop worrying about her opinion of you. Definitely stop listening to shit-stirring friends when they tell you how someone else feels. For the record, I HATE that, and the correct answer is usually “Why are you telling me this?” + “Well, until I hear it directly from x, I can’t really worry too much about it.”
If you really are friends everything will even out with time. Until it does, the less effort you make, the better. Nothing solidifies a vague dislike/discomfort like someone trying really really hard to make you like them.
Question #127: “I had a drunken threesome with my roommates, and now it’s all weird.”
Posted: October 31, 2011 Filed under: Personal Safety, Reader Questions, Relationships, Roommates, Sex | Tags: awkwardness, Boundaries, roommates 22 Comments »Dear Captain Awkward,
I moved into my university apartment with some people about a month and a half ago. Last night, I went drinking with a couple of the guys, and we got drunk. I ended up in bed with both of them, but I was too dry and they left. Then, because I was still drunk, I went to one of the guys in his room, and he was a gentleman about it and turned me away. Then I went to the kitchen and long story short, I ended up giving the other guy a blowjob.
Now that I’m actually awake and functioning properly, I don’t know what to think. Mostly, I feel like a slut. I also oscillate between freaking out and feeling weirdly detached from my situation. I feel like I lost respect for myself. I feel like I’m in a bad drama playing out in my head. I can’t believe I actually allowed myself to do that. I can’t believe I threw myself at 2 guys, because what the actual fuck. I also feel like I’m whining, because probably a lot of people feel like that after something like this (so sorry).
I’m also feeling really awkward, because I don’t know how to face them. I can’t avoid them because we’re sharing the same flat until June next year, and pretending I can’t remember isn’t an option because I clearly wasn’t drunk enough (I also feel like a coward for even considering those 2 options). I just want to face them and see what happens, but I may really just end up making it more awkward because I may freak out and say something really stupid, or obviously try too hard to act like nothing’s happened.
Basically, I don’t know what to do.
Sorry for whining at you,
Feeling Terrible
Dear Feeling Terrible:
Can you do me a favor and remove “slut” as a mean thing you say about yourself? In this story, it took three to tango, and every single other person involved in what happened was just as drunk and horny as you and is probably feeling just as awkward the morning after. You’re not a bad person for seeking connection, sexy adventure, acting out a super-secret fantasy of having sex with two men at the same time, orgasms, or whatever else you were looking for that night. It is very possible to bounce back from this, shore up your relationship with your roommates, and figure out how you want to handle sex (and alcohol) in a way that’s healthier and more fulfilling for you going forward.
Reader question #102: Can I ask my horrible mean houseguest to GTFO already?”
Posted: August 25, 2011 Filed under: How Not To Be, how to say no, manipulation, Manners, Overthinking It, Reader Questions, Roommates | Tags: houseguests, people who suck, setting boundaries 18 Comments »
You don't have to let horrible creatures stay with you! Also, this TV show was a real thing in the world.
Today’s letter kinda sorta lets me jump in on Dan Savage’s DTMFA-a-thon.
Dear Captain Awkward,
I am having a real problem with a house guest staying at my house. She and her husband have been friends with my husband Aaron long before I met him. Both decided to move to New York and sold the house, her husband moved there while she is here settling law suits. She was originally staying with a neighbors but they kicked her out because supposedly the husband was mean to her so she asked if she could move in with us…and since I didn’t want to be rude I said yes.
Right now I am really regretting saying yes…she has paid her rent on time but has no sense of boundaries. She says I am a bad wife because I don’t do enough cooking and cleaning and has even told Aaron that she would always make sure that he had home cooked meals when he got home instead of the skillet dinners I make(I am really bad at cooking) She says she is only trying to help me out “to make me a better wife” She barges in our room and talks to Aaron when we are trying to have a conversation and has even nudged me out of the way a few times. She criticizes my voice and says I sound whiny and need to watch how I talk….I feel like I have no privacy and can’t be myself in my own home with her criticizing how I spend my time. I have ADHD and am really forgetful about things sometimes and she will say stuff like I am having a Debbie moment if she forgets things….Whenever I complain to Aaron he will say it’s just her personality and she means no harm, or she is just joking.
Reader question #88: Strategies for dealing with an unwanted houseguest.
Posted: August 8, 2011 Filed under: Reader Questions, Roommates, Social Interactions | Tags: houseguests, how to be a good houseguest, unwanted houseguests 16 Comments »
Today's poster child for terrible houseguests: Charlotte Bartlett
Dear Captain Awkward
I recently discovered your blog and.I wonder if you could give me any thoughts about how to deal with my current situation.
About a year ago, my partner became mildly friendly with an English exchange student he was at university with. Although they weren’t great friends, he invited her to stay at our house for a few weeks so she wasn’t homeless when she had to move out of college for the Summer. After that, she moved back to England and we also moved to a different city. He and she have now both graduated and are working in the same industry. Last week, she called to let him know that she was moving permanently to the city we now live in, and asked if she could stay at our place for a bit until she found a job and a place. Without consulting me, he agreed. She is arriving in 2 weeks.
Question #82: The violent roommate
Posted: July 28, 2011 Filed under: Abuse, How Not To Be, Mental Health, Personal Safety, Reader Questions, Roommates, the gift of fear | Tags: domestic abuse, roommates, scary roommates 33 Comments »Dear Captain Awkward,
I recently moved in with two of my good friends from college. Two of us are attending the same graduate program in the fall, and the other is graduating next spring. The two guys I moved in with have been living together for the past three years, and since moving in several very awkward situations have developed.
One of the guys, lets call him Undergrad, has been treating me very differently since I moved in. I think he may be viewing me as an intruder into their relationship. He has been very passive aggressive and obviously trying to assert his authority over me and my other friend (Graduate student). This has escalated rapidly and frictions are developing between graduate student and undergrad student. Undergrad has taken to randomly walking in to Graduate’s room without permission, and refusing to leave. When Graduate asks him to do something he doesn’t wish to do, like leave his room, Undergrad either ignores him or gets angry. Now this is awkward enough, but I’ve been brought in to mediate these disputes. I have talked to undergrad, but he refuses to acknowledge my suggestions or give any confirmation. He won’t even assure Graduate and I that he’ll leave the room when Graduate asks.
Then last week things escalated even further. When Graduate yelled at him to leave his room Undergrad responded by attempting to choke him. I was forced to break it up. since then I have seen undergrad shove Graduate student aggressively. I have also talked to Graduate student and he says this has occurred before. Normally I would just kick Undergraduate out of the apartment, but we’re all supposed to be friends. The domestic abusive stuff is difficult to handle because we are all guys and are expected to handle this on our own. I really could use some advice.
Sincerely,
Abusive Relationship?
Reader question #67: My wonderful boyfriend has horrible hygiene and a disgusting house. How do I talk to him about it?
Posted: June 28, 2011 Filed under: Dating, Mental Health, Reader Questions, Roommates | Tags: cleaning, housekeeping, hygeine, love 41 Comments »
"Honey, don't make me call Matt Paxton, World's Sexiest Cleaning Guy!"
Dear Captain Awkward,
My boyfriend (late 30s) and I (early 30s) have been dating for about 2 years and pretty much everything is great. He’s kind, generous, supportive, and smart; he understands “privilege” and “the kyriarchy”; we have similar goals in life; and the sex is awesome. We’re talking about getting married and having kids. However, I have a problem: his personal hygeine and housekeeping skills are disgusting.
He doesn’t shower daily, only brushes his teeth 3-4 times per week, and wears the same clothes for days on end. We live in an area notorious for being super-casual and laid back, and even here his employer has had to have a talk with him about his grooming habits. Yesterday I jokingly brought up the tooth-brushing thing, and he protested that he brushes “almost daily” and that his oral health is fine. He thinks his gums are healthy and is convinced he’s cavity-free, but he hasn’t been to the dentist in years, and his gums are visibly receding and discolored. It’s revolting.
His apartment is gross – it stinks of ammonia since he rarely cleans his cats’ litterbox. When they vomit or drag in dead rodents, he picks up the chunks off the carpet but doesn’t treat the stain. His toilet bowl is brown on the inside. There is a layer of dirt, hair and scum on practically every surface in the kitchen and bathroom. When he washes dishes, they don’t get clean – they just come out greasy from the filthy water he washes them in.
I don’t know how to broach this topic with him. I love him and want to make a lifetime commitment to him, but I also want him to take care of his body and of the house we’re eventually going to share. When we live together, I don’t want to be solely responsible for keeping the house in habitable condition. I also don’t want his teeth to fall out before he’s 50. Am I a nagging harpy for wanting to change his habits regarding grooming and housekeeping? How can I discuss this with him in a way that won’t make him feel attacked? He sometimes tends to regard criticism as an attack on Who He Is as a Person, if you know what I mean. Help!
- Fastidious Girlfriend
Reader question #44: My roommate is moving out soon. Do I tell her her boyfriend stays over too much?
Posted: May 5, 2011 Filed under: Reader Questions, Roommates 7 Comments »Dear Captain Awkward,
Do you have a signal like Batman? If so I would like to use it please.
For the last year and a half, I’ve been living with my best friend of almost twelve years. I had just moved back to the area and I didn’t want to live with my parents, and I knew she didn’t want to continue living with her parents either. So I invited her to look with me for apartments. The original understanding was that I would be 100% responsible for rent while she provided most of the furnishings and the like.
Since then, things have changed – we moved from a one-bedroom to a two-bedroom, which meant more room but more rent and higher bills; a couple months later I got laid off from my job and we had to change our financial arrangement. (We both took second jobs to make ends meet.) We bought some furniture together and have been generally pretty happy, not completely without bumps in the road but altogether I think it’s been pretty fab.
Then over Christmas her father died suddenly; her mother is too sick to live on her own. So my roommate has decided to move back in with her mother in order to help her out and take care of her. I support this decision wholeheartedly and I will miss her very much. The reason I moved back to the area to begin with was because of a parent’s health, though I don’t have the nurturing nature needed to be a caregiver to that extent. I really admire and respect that about my roommate.
She had originally intended to be out of the apartment by the end of April, but now it’s looking like she’s not getting out til mid-May. No big, I can live with the apartment in a state of disarray, mostly. (She brought a lot into the apartment, and so a lot has to be packed up.) She has a lot to do at her mother’s before she moves back in, and a lot to do at our apartment before she moves out. Girl’s got a lot on her plate and I can’t even begin to imagine.
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