Every month(ish) I answer the questions people typed into search engines to find this blog. Except for adding punctuation, I don’t change the wording. Enjoy!
1. “Mother-in-law hates me. How do I tell her I’m pregnant?”
That sounds like a job for your spouse, her (presumably) son, who should be doing all or most of any communicating with his mom that needs doing.
2. “How to get a passive-aggressive man to talk to you?”
Pretend you don’t want to talk to him but make weird backhanded insults in his presence about how he shouldn’t talk to you, creating an endless loop of passive-aggression. He will be unable to resist your gambit.
“Your endless staircase of insinuation and feigned dislike reminds me of the much nicer one I have at Pemberley.”
Or try “Hey Steve, nice to see you. How are you today?” like you would with anyone else.
3. “My boyfriend passed away 7 months ago. When is it okay to date again?”
I am so very sorry for your loss. This is actually an easy question to answer in short form:
You are 100% the boss of when you start dating again. If you’re ready now, now is the time. If you need more time to grieve, take all the time you need. Don’t let anyone pressure you, don’t let anyone guilt you, either.
4. “These little old ladies want to be fucked in my phone number 530.”
How extremely specific, yet vague. We need details, son!
5. “He never read my Facebook message.”
He probably did, tho.
6. “My housemates complain about me having sex what can I do?”
Be quieter, is my guess, if it’s a noise complaint. Do it at your partner(s)’s house(s) more, if it’s a “but they’re always AROUND and using the shower when we need it and watching our TV and eating our food” complaint. Plan to move if it’s a “we are judgmental of the fact that you have sex at all or who you have sex with” complaint.
Living with housemates requires a certain amount of “I will just choose not to ever notice anything that happens in your room when your door is closed” attitude to make the social contract work. But housemates do actually have the right to say “I signed up to live with you, not you + another person who is always here” and ask you to pitch a road game once in a while if you have overnight guests more than 3-4 nights/week, and they do have a right to ask you to keep it down between certain hours.
7. “I had fight with mybf bcoz of short dress help.” and 8.”Why is he so mean to me?”
Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and get yourself to a safe place that’s Away From That Guy. I’m so sorry.
I’m reading this now (for blog discussion reasons, not personal ones, though it was pretty funny to have my boyfriend buy it for me from the bookstore where he works with “It’s for my girlfriend!”). It is very, very good and will help you see controlling & mean behaviors as part of an overall pattern of deliberate behavior, not anything that is your fault.
9. “Making letter for a friend that you cares about at the same time you mad at him somehow.”
If you don’t want to end or take a break from the friendship, keep the letter (or whatever communication you use) focused on the behavior that bugged you. And try, if you can, to keep it focused on the most recent instance of that behavior. “When you asked me to be your date to the party but were reading your phone/texting all night it really hurt my feelings” is better than “You are always on your phone when we hang out!”
10. “How to impress a teacher you have a crush on.”
Do your best work for the class, learn what you came to learn, and move on when the semester is over without confessing your feelings or putting your teacher in an extremely awkward position. Crushes can be motivating personally without ever having to be acted on or expressed, this is one of those kinds of crushes.
11. “Is being tipsy attractive?”
To other tipsy folks, at closing time. Is that who you want to attract?
12. “Do people with Aspergers hate being interrupted?”
While it varies from individual to individual, in my limited experience, they hate this somewhat less than many neurotypical folks do. If you can’t reliably depend on social cues or body language to know when someone wants to tune out from what you’re saying, and a function of your personality is that you can and want to talk for a long time about things that interest you, having a friend or a coworker say “Thank you for that info, but I have all I need now” or “Hey, can we talk about X instead of Y for a minute?” is actually helpful if done kindly. We’ve got a lot of readers who can shed more light on this for you.
I don’t have Aspergers, but I am a geek and a college teacher and can definitely natter on about things, and when I’m in The Talking Zone I definitely appreciate a kind redirection as well.
13. ” How to avoid being the rebound girl?”
Easy. Just make sure that you date someone only after they’ve dated at least one other person since their last breakup.
Only date people if they’ve dated someone else since their last breakup and you will guarantee that you will never be the rebound!
Sorry for the impossible logic problem. It’s because I’d like the idea of the “rebound” to go the way of the “friend zone”: AWAY.
These can be true statements:
“I was dating someone but it didn’t really go anywhere because they were just too hung up on their ex/not looking for anything serious right now/the timing was wrong.”
This is the truer statement:
“I was dating someone but it didn’t really go anywhere because they didn’t want it to.”
You can meet someone right after getting out of a serious relationship and, if you like them enough and everything clicks well enough, go right into another one. Or you can be a person who needs a lot of time to regroup after a breakup and doesn’t even want to think about dating anyone seriously…but some makeouts that remind you that you have a body can be nice, or going on a dating site to “see what happens” can be a nice reminder that you have options. These are the On The Rebound people you are keen to avoid, and you will know them by their avoidance of any talk about feelings or the future.
But you can think you are that second kind of person and intend to date casually, until meeting a person you really love shakes you out of that mode. And you can think you are that first kind of person….ready for loooooooooooove!!!!!!….but not get into anything serious because it takes a while for you to meet the right person. Which leaves us with: There are two kinds of people and they are both just…people.
If the other person is really into you, and you are really into them, the timing won’t matter so much. So risk it like you would any other potential love relationship, but also listen to what the other person is saying and pay attention to their actions like you would in pursuing any other potential love relationship. Believe them when they say stuff like “I like you but I’m just not ready for another serious relationship right now” “Let’s keep this really casual” etc. and don’t try spackle those things over with your awesome chemistry or how well you *should* work on paper. Those statements translate as “I don’t want that kind of relationship with you.”
14. “What does it mean when a girl says that she likes you but we just cant be in a relationship right now?”
It means she’s not interested in a romantic relationship with you and wants to let you down gently, so she’s using what she thinks is a culturally-approved script to do so. Read it as “she is not attracted to me or interested in ever being my girlfriend,” grieve for what might have been, and don’t bring the topic up again.
15. “He says he feels a deep connection.”
….but? You guys can hear the “but,” right?
16. My girlfriend asked for no contact but can I wish her happy birthday?
No contact is no contact.
My question is, do you want to be involved with someone who doesn’t want any contact with you?
17. “Men who are too intense too soon.”
Let’s reframe and rephrase this.
“Men who like you way more than you like them.”
“Men who creep you out or alarm you with their attentions.”
“Men who try too hard to lock in a relationship before you are ready.”
“Men who don’t pay attention to reciprocity and who come on way too strong.”
“Men who are controlling and needy.”
“Men whose relationship style is not compatible with yours.”
“Too intense” at the beginning of a relationship is often a red flag for someone with violent and controlling tendencies. Listen to those instincts and strongly consider breaking ties with whoever inspired you to search for this.
18. “He dumped me and got angry when I refused to be friends.”
Let’s reframe and rephrase this:
“He made me sad but then immediately made me relieved to be free of him, forever.”
“He suddenly made it much easier for me to put the entire sad business behind me.”
“He thinks that only he gets to decide the terms of our relationship.”
19. “How can you tell if someone has a mean streak?”
They do or say enough mean things to inspire you to Google that question, is my guess.
20. “How to piss off someone who has to have the last word?”
Remove their audience and replace it with sweet, cold, delicious silence.