Posted: January 13, 2012 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Abuse, Dating, How Not To Be, how to say no, manipulation, Personal Safety, predators, Reader Questions, Relationships, saying no | Tags: breaking up, safety, scared to break up, scary boyfriend |
Edit/Update: The LW contacted me to let me know that she left Jon the Asshole (Yay!) after he (predictably) physically assaulted her (Boo!). She’s doing ok and gives us all her love (which is returned. SO returned). I’m leaving this question up because she’s probably (sadly) not alone in having the question.
Hello Captain,
About a year ago I got into a relationship with this guy for privacy purposes we’ll call Jon. Jon was really great. He lived really far away. We visited back and forth. When he visited me the first time though he was super mean to all my friends and family.
I thought it was because he was far from home. I went to stay with him (where I am now) very, very far from home. For months he’s been nothing but verbally and emotional evil and mean to me. I was begging him to stop. He never did. Recently, about a month ago, I asked again. I was on that tipping point of “falling out of love” he yelled at me for “asking him to stop being mean.”
I became pretty numb to him, and am now. I started letting myself fall for a guy I casually flirt with online. Who lets just face it, would be closer if I went home and has way more in common/to say to me/is way more my type.
My ticket home isn’t for another month. Now that Jon can sense a problem he’s acting all nice and loving. I said a few times I would try and love him because he throws stuff around when I try to break up with him. How do I tell him I don’t want to try anymore? Should I wait til I go home?
And should I pursue something with casual (bordering on serious) flirting friend, if it feels right?
- Really freaking scared
Dear Really Scared,
Aaaaah! This got caught in the spam filter and I could not answer it immediately! Aaaaah! I am so sorry!
First, do you live with Jon? Does he have access to your living space? Can you get to a safe place that he doesn’t have access to? Call one of the hotline numbers from this post (and read all of the comments in that thread, there is tons of practical advice there for getting out of a scary situation) and make sure you are in a safe place as soon as possible.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: July 16, 2011 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Abuse, Feminism, Friendship, How Not To Be, how to say no, manipulation, Manners, Personal Safety, predators, rejection, saying no, the gift of fear | Tags: enforcing boundaries, Friendship, Inappropriate touching, saying no |
HULK NOT DONE HELPING LADIES FIND INNER HULK
This came into the Captain Awkward mailbox last night. It seems like we’re all in the mood to Hulk out and get people to stop touching other people, so have at it, commenters.
Dear Captain Awkward,
I have a recurring problem when it comes to friends. It’s been a problem from the very beginning, as far as I know, and I’ve never been able to fix it. For now, it’s gone, but I know it’s going to come back.The problem is, essentially, that my friends will not stop touching me in ways I don’t like. Granted, I don’t like being touched at all.
But these people insist on doing things like stealing my hat every time he sees me (which led to me not wearing my favorite hat for several years until he graduated), poking me every time he sees me (this guy actually admitted that he A) only pokes women and B) waits until a woman puts on her angry voice to actually listen to her; I wish I’d had the guts to punch him in the face), and hugging me even though we’ve had a conversation about how I don’t like it when he hugs me and I want him to please stop AND I’m standing there doing the awkward trying-not-to-touch-you-back-pat. These are three different guys, three examples of people who won’t stop even though I’ve asked them to, told them to, and finally (in one case) yelled at them to. They’re also just three in a lifelong line of people who won’t leave my body alone, and who won’t listen to me. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: July 15, 2011 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: How Not To Be, Manners, Personal Safety, predators, Reader Questions, saying no, the gift of fear | Tags: addressing bad behavior directly, feministe, Inappropriate touching, shunning |
We're going to solve this one with a little help from Feministe's Jill and The Incredible Hulk.
Dear Captain Awkward,
This one might be a little long, and I am frankly afraid there might not be any good solution for it.
My senior year in college, I shared a house with wonderful friends and an additional guy, A., who most of us didn’t know, but he was a friend of one of my roommates and we needed another person on our lease, so we welcomed him aboard. While him and I were never the best of friends, we got along okay for the most part, and developed an inside joke about how much we hated each other. Unfortunately, my “joke” hatred for him has since evolved into actual repulsion.
We graduated two years ago, and I moved out to another city, but I would occasionally see A. whenever I came back to visit other friends still in town, because we are part of the same social circle. It used to be fine until a year ago, when his girlfriend and him split up. Ever since, he has been making me and other women I know extremely uncomfortable.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: May 23, 2011 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Advice Columns, Dating, How Not To Be, how to say no, manipulation, Manners, predators, rejection, Social Interactions | Tags: Dating, Handling Rejection, marie claire sucks, rejection, Rich, sexism |
And he’s still a dipshit. When last we saw our hero, he was comparing confident women who are hard to control to “dirty snow.” On the subject of rejecting strangers who want your number in bars, he says this:
The best way for a girl to avoid that awkward first date is to not give her number out in the first place. As a guy, I know the ins and outs of the phone number game. If a cute girl is giving me any sign of hope, I’m going to try for those digits. I never assume she’s just having fun meeting people — I always think she’s out to find a date like I am.
Okay, Rich, you’re right, it would be good if women didn’t give their numbers to men they aren’t really interested in, but even if they do give the number out, there are still ways to avoid awkward first dates, like saying “No thanks” when the person asks you on a date. Also, the whole thing where you assume that women are all trying to find dates just like you are? That’s an example of a bad initial assumption that jeopardizes the integrity of the entire experiment. But…okay. Imagine you get the number, or, the my-number-is-111-111-1111-now-can-I-go-back-to-talking-with-my-friends number. Is this really what you do?
The common move among guys (I’m guilty of this one too), after getting a girl’s number, is calling her phone to confirm that that it’s real and that his number is now registered in her phone. Most guys will watch the girl’s phone as they call it to make sure there’s no funny business going on.
“Hi, it’s me, the guy from the bar, just checking to see if you’re a big lying liarpants who is rejecting me while we’re both here so I can go back to pressuring you!“ I’m trying to think of how I would react to having someone call me immediately to check if the number I gave them is a real one. I’m thinking: Not well. “Hey, thanks for instantly making me regret giving you my phone number. Now kindly fuck off and go fuck yourself, in whatever order is most convenient to you.”
Now, to be fair, Rich does eventually get around to saying “Or, you could just tell them no, you don’t want to give out your number,” which risks hurting their fee-fees, but ultimately earns their respect. But not before these self-serving gems about giving the cold shoulder treatment and avoiding dark corners:
If you don’t ask questions, avoid eye contact, and maintain the general appearance of someone who is trying to escape, even the most confident guy will probably give up hope.…Getting trapped anywhere private with the dude you’re trying to avoid will encourage him to try to get your number. He’ll read it as you wanting to be alone with him,even though it’s accidental.
You know what? I am capable of giving the Coldest Shoulder in Recorded History and I really do my best not to get trapped in dark corners by pushy dudes I’m not interested in. But it would also be really, really cool if dudes didn’t separate women from their friends, “trap” them in dark corners, and then assume that they want to be alone with you, like “Now that we’re all trapped in this Dark Corner together, I will just assume that you’re into whatever comes next!” Also, if you’re getting the cold shoulder treatment, give up hope sooner rather than later. Immediately would be good.
He ends with the most hilarious and surreal piece of advice of all. You should invent a phantom boyfriend.
While most dudes want proof that your phone number is real, they probably won’t need proof that a boyfriend is real. They may try to make you feel stupid by saying they wanted your number “as a friend,” but they’ll back off.
Translation: While most dudes will not take no for an answer about getting your phone number, and will immediately act like controlling assholes by checking to make sure it’s a real number, they will (sort of) accept that your pussy might already be owned by other some man and (sort of) back off. Your feelings and opinions are not important, but the thought that they might accidentally be approaching some other man’s property? Faux pas!
Well played, if self-serving sexist bullshit is your thing.
Posted: May 7, 2011 | Author: JenniferP | Filed under: Abuse, Personal Safety, predators | Tags: heinous raping fucktards |
As you know, WordPress lets me see what people typed into Google to find this place. Sometimes these things are hilarious and awesome, like “sex on second date and i am not sorry.” Why would you be sorry, anonymous internet searcher? Go get you some.
However, tonight it was “boyfriend threatening rape if i dont have sex.”
Listen, if you’re out there, and you typed those words into a search engine, there is some stuff I need you to hear right now.
1. That guy is not your boyfriend. He is some asshole you used to date. Do you understand? He does not love you, he is not good to you, he does not deserve you, he does not get to touch you, you don’t have to spend one more second with him. There is no universe where that is okay. Actually threatening to rape someone in order to make them have sex with you counts…as rape. That guy is a heinous raping fucktard.
2. Get out of whatever building he is in and into a safe place now. Your family. Your friends. A hotel. Your RA, if you’re in college. Go somewhere that he is not.
3. Once again I’ll plug RAINN – one of the things they have is a free hotline that can connect you with someone who can help you.
Be safe. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Please find help.
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